Desperate

[lost38]

This is my first post so please bear with me. A little background: Parents divorced when I was 3. Mom has been married and divorced 3 times, Dad has been married 5 times, sister married 3 times and brother married 2 times. (I grew up in a family of divorce). My old step dad was a very emotionally and phsycially abusive alcoholic who beat my mom and molested me on one occasion. My mother is also handicapped and when she left my step dad, I had to grow up and take care of her starting a very young age (6th grade). My husband comes from a family not of divorce. His dad is an alcoholic (puts back an 18 pack a day) and his mom does EVERYTHING for him.

 

So fast forward, I've been married for 7 years, been together 9 1/2 years. We met when I was 19. When I met him, he was going through a "women hating" stage b/c his fiancee had cheated on him and got pregnant w/ her boss. Our relationship started off on rocky grounds, he was expecting a baby from his "friends w/ benefits". 9 months later of hell we went through, she had her baby and 3 months later found out it wasn't his. Also found out he may not be able to have kids due to medical conditions when he was a child. (I was happy the baby wasn't his but always pondered on the idea of not being able to have kids with him) When we met, we were both into partying hard, we'd go out 5 nights a week and party till the sun came up. I learned very fast he was a "social alcoholic". We also never truly dated, everytime we went out, it was with all of our friends. I voiced this concern to him numerous times and it always got pushed to the back burner.

 

So we got married and I got off birth control when we returned from our honeymoon. We both really wanted kids. After we got married, we both settled way down. We became your typical "happy marriage". We went out with our friends all the time, we get along great with each and love to do a lot of the same things. The problem, it wasn't so happy. Over the years he stopped "trying" both in bed and in general. We never went on dates even after settling down. (just the two of us) The sex became more like a chore b/c of trying to have a baby, the alcohol didn't stop and I started to get bitter. My husband is a very "people pleasing" person. He says and does everything I do. Doesn't voice his own opinion and agress to everything I say. We bicker but never fight. For some, that would be great, over the years though, I feel like I have been married to a doormat with no opinion of their own. I had continaually voiced my concern over these issues (so it's not like I wasn't communicating)

 

Three years ago I confronted him w/ the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. He was destroyed after telling him I wasn't in love with him. He decided to move out and give me some space and was gone a week. While he was gone, I missed him something terrible so after 4 days, I asked him to come back home. We had a long talk about things that had gone awry in the marriage and we started working on them. His alcoholism (to put it this way, I've been the dd for the last 10 years b/c he gets horribly drunk everytime we'd go out and then he would get stupid and try and do stupid things on the way home, then we'd get home and if he wasn't passed out in the truck, he stumble into the house, take off his belt, pretend to go after the dogs scaring them, then fall into bed and want to get it on and of course I was repulsed so I would always tell him no and he'd get mad and roll over and pass out), his lack of his own opnion and not standing up to me, my bitterness towards him and he promised he would start taking me out on dates more.

 

Well things were going good for awhile so we decided to step up trying to have a baby and go to a specialist. (we were referred by some friends who were going to the same specialist) I was diagnosed with some problems and after surgery and hormones, I was "fixed". We tried mulitple insemenations which led us to nowhere. I started to get emotionallly drained after the constant up and downs of hormone treatments and the ideas of possibly being pregnant only to be let down so we decided to stop. I was devasted, I knew I would never had a baby and adoption wasn't an option for my husband. Then things started to go back to the way they were before our little talk. I started getting frustrated again and started voicing my opinion again, it was like talking to a brick wall.So this past August, again, I confronted him with the "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" line again. Again, he was devasted. This time I decided to seek out the help of a therapist and started going. They concluded that it seemed to them that I had emotionally detached myself from the marriage years ago and was just going with the motions b/c overall, my life wasn't bad at all. I just wasn't married to a husband, I was married to a roommate. (at that point the intimacy was long gone)

 

So this past August I did the unthinkable. I befriended a guy at work and started talking to him. One thing led to anohter and we became phsycially involved. Then of course the more we talked, the feelings started kreeping in. I was confused and my husband still wasn't getting it, so I moved out this time. I moved in with a friend and kept in limited contact w/ my husband and continued to see this new guy quite frequently. After a few weeks, the guilt got to me and I called my husband and confessed to my affiar. His first initial response was "divorce" but then he decided to go to marriage counseling. (something else I had continually suggested and was continually shot down). Now my husband says that since he now truly realizeswhat he did in the this marriage to cause me to stray and how close he was to losing me, he really wants to start things over on a new foot and work hard to get this marriage going again. I truly feel his is sincere. I've even noticed things he's doing to prove he's willing to change for good this time. My problem, one, I feel like I'm just done with the marriage and ready to move on b/c I've given him so many years to change and nothing has, why now? That and I've got myself way to involved with this new guy. He has shown me a life that I didn't know I could have. For one children, he has two from a previous marriage that I adore and he wants more and I know I could have a baby with him (which is something I can't have with my husband) and he doesn't drink and he has shown me so much intimacy and romance than my husband has in years. The sex is wonderful (he's the only guy I've ever been able to orgasm with) and with my husband, I have so much resentment for him, I have no desire to be intimate with him at all.

 

I'm on vacation right now and go back home this Sunday. I have both men waiting for me with an answer to which one I'm going home to. My husband wants to work on the marriage and says he realizes how much he loves me and doesn't want me not in his life and will do whatever takes to make our marriage work. I love him I know I do, but the in love feelings aren't there and haven't been for so long. The same with the intimacy issues and I just dont know if they ever will be there again. Then I have the other guy with all the possibilties of a new life w/out alcohol, with babies and children and new love. I feel like if I go w/ my husband, I'll be missing out at my only chance of having a baby and a fullfilling sex life but if I go with the new guy, I'll be giving up the last 10 years of my life and that includes friends, family, my husband (who is a wonderful man b/c he's willing to overlook my infidelities and we get along great). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I keep leading each guy on and I'm only hurting myself. I don't know if I'm willing to give up the new guy and all that he has to offer but the thought of giving up my husband hurts too. I'm sure there is a lot of things I've left out, but I figured this was long eough. Please HELP!

Edited December 18, 2009 by lost38

[Babygirl8385]

That is a very difficult situation you have found yourself in.

 

The questions are :

 

Are you willing to give up having children?

 

Are you willing to throw away 10 years of your life?

 

Are you willing to start fresh?

 

I'm not sure of your answers to these difficult questions, but they may help you in your decision. I am not in your situation, I will not tell you to stay with your husband or leave him for the new man. That is your decision and yours alone, you need to sit down and really think this through, make a list for each guy, pros/cons and go through the questions i listed. Just take your time, IF you have to detach yourself from both, if they care/love you they will absolutely allow you to take a step back and take some time to decide. Its a very difficult decision and I suggest you think it through very thorough.

 

I hope this helped.

[giotto]

your husband loves alcohol, not you... go for the other man and have children with him...