TaraMaiden Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I ask myself whether (OPs feelings aside for an instant) he's really thought the ramification of bringing two adolescents up - single-handed or otherwise - particularly as they're not even relatives. The legal stance alone has to be dealt with in depth, the level of responsibility, the financial commitment, the education, clothing, schooling....I mean, really - this is an extraordinary task, even for natural parents, so what the hell is he thinking? Now, bring in the OP. 'To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer....' He has assumed that you're in it with him. Naturally, if he's going to be the dad, then you're going to be the mum. if he's envisaged life with you, and possible proposal in the near future - then you are part of this equation. I think you are going to have to come clean, and state your case. This was not part of the plan, and as such, he has ridden roughshod over any comment, input, contribution or opinion you might have had. if this is a 'fait-accompli'...you're in trouble. And not only is the choice yours - with him or without him - he too has to face a choice: Them - or you?
Stung Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 What you're saying is somewhat understandable. If I were faced with a situation like that, I'd probably react first - save the kids - and then discuss it. But, where I see the real problem to be is that he got mad at her when she told him how she felt. Any reasonable person would understand the full impact of what they had done and they would at least acknowledge that, and her feelings. Agreed. And I may have missed it if the OP found out the depth of his relationship with these kids, but perhaps he really is their godfather or something similar. I have a similar relationship with two kids who would be living with me in a hot minute if something ever happened to their mom. In fact, something did, and I was their primary caretaker for a year; recently I also temporarily had joint custody of them, shared with their grandma and aunt. I am currently trying to figure out how/if I can have them both living with me during the summers. Now, my husband knew going into our marriage that I felt tremendous love and responsibility for those girls, but then he met me when they were living with me, so it came up in conversation pretty quick . Even when we were dating very seriously and I knew I was in love with him and wanted to make a life with him, I would have very sadly, very reluctantly let him go if he had not been able to get on board with the role I play in their lives...I don't think I would have sprung it on him as a done deal out of the blue, but my sense of obligation to them would have come first. So I have sympathy for the guy's position, but I agree he handled the communication and followup with his girlfriend very poorly. Perhaps he felt like he had given his word and she was trying to get him to back down? It could be a red flag for how he handles making big decisions, for sure.
Author MissGoLightly Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Thanks for all the responses. We still haven't resolved this, mostly because I need time to think, and probably have many more discussions as well. To answer a couple questions, he says he got angry and defensive initially because he felt I was attacking him, and that his offer was made spur of the moment, and after having more time to consider the ramifications, he was feeling a little overwhelmed. No excuse, but he acknowledged that and apologized. He is not the godfather, but his parents are the kids' godparents. He thinks his parents are getting a little old to raise adolescents/teenagers. It sounds like his POV is close to what JaneInVegas and Stung described. The question of marriage came up, and he said he was planning on proposing next summer, which of course again brings up the issues I described here: is this how he will handle major decisions, does he respect me, what happens if he ends up with the kids? He seems disappointed that I wasn't automatically on board with this. I'm assuming, but it was kind of implied that he didn't think this would be a problem. A combination of a compliment he is always giving me (he says that I have a beautiful soul; I'm very involved with literacy, education and child advocacy in my community), my career choice, and the fact that in the past we had discussed adoption if it turned out we were unable to have our own children leads me to think this.
TaraMaiden Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 making assumptions about what our partner will support us in, is extremely disrespectful, and means his communication skills are very much found wanting. His admission that 'his offer was made spur of the moment, and after having more time to consider the ramifications, he was feeling a little overwhelmed' just go to show what a knee-jerk reaction it was - so really, how dumb would it have been for you to give an equal amount of thought and come up with, "Gosh, yes, let's do this, what fun it will be - we'll be just like the Brady Bunch!" He says you have a beautiful soul: well, good. But having a beautiful soul doesn't mean you have "Idiot Compassion". If anything, because of the work you do, you must have had training in Compassion mixed with Wisdom, Logic and common sense. His decision was anything but common sense, and really, if you step back, it was quite childish and ill-timed. I have a feeling if you went through with this (no matter what his input and contribution to the issue) you'd have 3 kids on your hands. Not two.
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