He didn't consult me about major decision

[MissGoLightly]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, because I'm not married, but I think my problem is more of a marriage/life partner one than a dating one.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years, have known each other longer, we don't live together (I don't want to take that step until/if we are engaged/married, but also my job has a residency requirement, and he lives just outside that area, so I would have to ask for and receive a transfer). I'm in my mid 20s; he is in his mid 30s. I think we're pretty serious; he says that he sees us getting married, and he's been hinting and making comments that make me think he will propose in the next year.

 

This part is a little confusing, and I don't want to give too many details, so I'm not going to give the background info. But, basically the children of his parents' friends might find themselves in the system...and my boyfriend apparently told the people who need to know such things that if it comes to that, HE will move to their school district and take them in. He didn't talk to me before making this decision. To be honest, I don't even think he thought about it much at all before saying he would do that. Also, the entire time I've known him (and we spend a lot of time together) he's only mentioned these kids about a dozen times, and I've never met them.

 

When he told me that he made this offer he asked me what I would think of that and would I want to stay with him.

 

I'm really confused right now, and don't know how to feel. I'm upset, and my bf doesn't understand why. I feel kind of like a douchebag, because I'm unhappy about this decision of his, but what kind of person gets upset when someone does something so nice and generous? I feel selfish because I'm thinking of myself and my relationship before those kids.

 

I'm upset because he didn't talk to me about this first, which means that either he doesn't see a future with me at this point, or he does and doesn't see marriage (or relationships in general) as a partnership.

 

I also didn't sign up to date a single dad, have never met these kids or even heard very much about them...and he doesn't seem to understand that this would change everything. I'm not too concerned about this point yet, since I don't have all the details and as far as I know it hasn't come to this yet.

 

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking, but does anyone have any insight? I'll answer any questions I can...

[Art_Critic]

Personally.. I feel like he stepped over the line in your relationship and should have talked this over with you to find out how you felt.

 

You are a team.. married or not.. engaged or not.. you are still a team and should respect one another at all times and if you don't then you rectify the situation and admit your faults to the other and work towards a resolution.

 

I also feel like he is bowing up and acting like a big shot somewhat with his offer to his friends and maybe made the offer not realizing the consequences of such in the event it became real.

It is an admirable offer regardless of why he made the offer..

 

Is he their God Father ?

 

Do you think he did this on purpose.. keeping you out of the loop of a decision that would affect your future ?

 

He could very well be testing you as well.. to see if you are all in..

But even if he is doing that he has shown the relationship some disrespect and he needs to rectify that with you.

[MissGoLightly]

Personally.. I feel like he stepped over the line in your relationship and should have talked this over with you to find out how you felt.

 

You are a team.. married or not.. engaged or not.. you are still a team and should respect one another at all times and if you don't then you rectify the situation and admit your faults to the other and work towards a resolution.

This is mostly why I'm upset, and confused. He says one thing and then acts another way.

 

I also feel like he is bowing up and acting like a big shot somewhat with his offer to his friends and maybe made the offer not realizing the consequences of such in the event it became real.

It is an admirable offer regardless of why he made the offer..

I agree, and I also think he made this decision without really thinking about it. Which might be why he got kind of mad/defensive by my reaction when he brought it up to me, because I was pointing out all the ways in which that would change everything, the responsibility involved and so on.

 

Is he their God Father ?

I don't think so.

 

Do you think he did this on purpose.. keeping you out of the loop of a decision that would affect your future ?

 

He could very well be testing you as well.. to see if you are all in..

But even if he is doing that he has shown the relationship some disrespect and he needs to rectify that with you.

The thought did cross my mind that this could be a test. I've been trying to gather my thoughts, so I haven't said too much about my feelings on this yet to him.

 

When he asked what I thought about this, I told him that I thought it was a very generous offer he made.

 

When he asked if I would want to stay with him if that happened, I said that if that happened he would be a parent, and it wouldn't be about me or my needs or wants anymore, because he independently of me made the choice to become a parent.

[mem11363]

In the system = jail/prison of some sort?

 

You are 100 percent right to be seriously angry - and also conflicted/guilty.

 

He cannot have it both ways. He can't talk about getting married and also offer to take in other folks children without discussing it with you. Well he can but then that makes him the bad guy. Asking you to do this blind, without you even having met them is not even close to reasonable.

 

Why is it he thinks it is ok to do this? It totally isn't. IME some kids are nice and delightful and others are nightmarish. Some are difficult but coachable and you can make a huge difference in their lives. Some are difficult and totally unreachable and they can make a huge difference (insanity) in your life.

 

How long might they be in the system? That is a factor.

 

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, because I'm not married, but I think my problem is more of a marriage/life partner one than a dating one.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years, have known each other longer, we don't live together (I don't want to take that step until/if we are engaged/married, but also my job has a residency requirement, and he lives just outside that area, so I would have to ask for and receive a transfer). I'm in my mid 20s; he is in his mid 30s. I think we're pretty serious; he says that he sees us getting married, and he's been hinting and making comments that make me think he will propose in the next year.

 

This part is a little confusing, and I don't want to give too many details, so I'm not going to give the background info. But, basically the children of his parents' friends might find themselves in the system...and my boyfriend apparently told the people who need to know such things that if it comes to that, HE will move to their school district and take them in. He didn't talk to me before making this decision. To be honest, I don't even think he thought about it much at all before saying he would do that. Also, the entire time I've known him (and we spend a lot of time together) he's only mentioned these kids about a dozen times, and I've never met them.

 

When he told me that he made this offer he asked me what I would think of that and would I want to stay with him.

 

I'm really confused right now, and don't know how to feel. I'm upset, and my bf doesn't understand why. I feel kind of like a douchebag, because I'm unhappy about this decision of his, but what kind of person gets upset when someone does something so nice and generous? I feel selfish because I'm thinking of myself and my relationship before those kids.

 

I'm upset because he didn't talk to me about this first, which means that either he doesn't see a future with me at this point, or he does and doesn't see marriage (or relationships in general) as a partnership.

 

I also didn't sign up to date a single dad, have never met these kids or even heard very much about them...and he doesn't seem to understand that this would change everything. I'm not too concerned about this point yet, since I don't have all the details and as far as I know it hasn't come to this yet.

 

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking, but does anyone have any insight? I'll answer any questions I can...

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, for you, it seems he is going to do this reguardless if you are there with him through this or not. He may have just blurted out and offered without really thinking it through, but since you two have been together for 2 years, it would have been nice and considerate of him to include you in this, instead of dumping it in your lap and the decisions been made.

 

Honestly, and I could be wrong here, I'm at two train of thoughts.. 1)He is doing a noble thing and putting these kids first, doing something very kind and is supportive. or 2) You two may not be on the same page on where your relationship is really headed, that he doesn't feel the need to discuss these types of things with you since you two aren't living together, have no financal ties, no house etc..

 

Yes, you didn't sign up to date a single dad, but now these are the cards you've been dealt with unfortunately. If you love him and want to see how this goes, take a chance and see what happens. Never know, it could be the right thing and something that will bond you two and bring you closer.. But, if you can't handle it and aren't ready for step kids, or being involved/responsible, then think about taking time to figure out what you want.

[MissGoLightly]

In the system = jail/prison of some sort?

 

You are 100 percent right to be seriously angry - and also conflicted/guilty.

 

He cannot have it both ways. He can't talk about getting married and also offer to take in other folks children without discussing it with you. Well he can but then that makes him the bad guy. Asking you to do this blind, without you even having met them is not even close to reasonable.

 

Why is it he thinks it is ok to do this? It totally isn't. IME some kids are nice and delightful and others are nightmarish. Some are difficult but coachable and you can make a huge difference in their lives. Some are difficult and totally unreachable and they can make a huge difference (insanity) in your life.

 

How long might they be in the system? That is a factor.

I don't want to give the details (I'm a little paranoid), but yes, it's something like that. I'm not sure how long; their court date isn't until after the holidays, and I'm not sure how long this process is going to take. So there's a possibility that nothing will come of this; however he's already done some damage, in my opinion, by not consulting me about this.

 

Sadly, for you, it seems he is going to do this reguardless if you are there with him through this or not. He may have just blurted out and offered without really thinking it through, but since you two have been together for 2 years, it would have been nice and considerate of him to include you in this, instead of dumping it in your lap and the decisions been made.

 

Honestly, and I could be wrong here, I'm at two train of thoughts.. 1)He is doing a noble thing and putting these kids first, doing something very kind and is supportive. or 2) You two may not be on the same page on where your relationship is really headed, that he doesn't feel the need to discuss these types of things with you since you two aren't living together, have no financal ties, no house etc..

 

Yes, you didn't sign up to date a single dad, but now these are the cards you've been dealt with unfortunately. If you love him and want to see how this goes, take a chance and see what happens. Never know, it could be the right thing and something that will bond you two and bring you closer.. But, if you can't handle it and aren't ready for step kids, or being involved/responsible, then think about taking time to figure out what you want.

 

Lots to think about in all these posts, and it's getting late for me...still trying to work all this out, like I said, I'm very confused

 

One reason I thought we were on the same page about our future, aside from him saying he wants to marry me is this: My bf is a homeowner. When we first started dating I was renting. Because of my credit (very good), my savings, and the current economy/housing market, I decided it was a good time for me to buy my own home.

 

Told my bf I was thinking about this and starting to look, so he decided we should talk about our future...and the conversation was about how he sees us getting married soon (I agreed this was what I wanted); we don't need two homes, so where would I rather live? We had this whole conversation, a couple times, to decide this together.

 

We both agreed we would rather live in the city (his place, cuz we both love it and there's plenty of room) for the next couple years until we have kids, then we would want to move further out to a different neighborhood with a yard and good schools --- so we went looking at school districts, neighborhoods and everything together, and chose a house together, that I bought. I'm living in it, but renting out the basement "apartment" and one of the other bedrooms in the meantime, with plans to rent the whole thing when we get married until we want to move. That was a huge decision that we made together!! So I'm really wondering what the hell is up with this thing with the kids!

 

About your last point, whichwayisup...I feel more like he's not ready for me to be involved/responsible, else why didn't he talk to me about this? He doesn't have an answer for me on this.

[whichwayisup]

Make sure HE understands how it made you feel and why. He is telling you one thing, but in some sense, doing another. To commit to you, even buying a house together, though right now it's just you living there, he does owe you a real explanation. Him not answering is not cool.. It could be possible that he thought you would automatically say no and he feels an obligation, went ahead without talking to you first so you would have to accept it.

 

Anyway, I hope he gives you answers and the respect of honesty here. He owes you that.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

What? You 'two' decided you'd rather live at his place in the city, so he talked you into buying a house in the burbs, that you live in alone? While he's in the city? Were you looking for a city place before? And maybe...he talked you out of it so you would be further away?

 

Because that works better for him?

[MissGoLightly]

What? You 'two' decided you'd rather live at his place in the city, so he talked you into buying a house in the burbs, that you live in alone? While he's in the city? Were you looking for a city place before? And maybe...he talked you out of it so you would be further away?

 

Because that works better for him?

 

I spend most of my time at his place --- the entire weekend and several nights a week.

 

My house is about 20 minutes away from his; you don't have to be too far outside the city to get a nice house with a decent yard. I couldn't buy a house in the city anyways, unless I applied for and received a transfer from my work.

 

I'm still not sure how I would feel about all of a sudden dating a single dad, and possibly becoming a stepmom.

 

But we're going to talk about this later today, so wish me luck.

[Angel1111]

When he told me that he made this offer he asked me what I would think of that and would I want to stay with him.

 

The above comment is disturbing to me. Kind of like, "I've done this. Are you going to stay now?" As though he's hoping you'll say no.

 

It's been my experience - and please listen to this carefully - that whenever I've been 'confused' in a relationship, it was always because their actions didn't match their words. Which usually translates into being told a lie. So pay very close attention to your feelings of confusion - it's an instinctive reaction that's telling you something is off.

 

Generous or not, he should not have made this decision without talking to you about it first. That tells me that you and his relationship are not a high priority because he was willing to jeapordize it. He could've easily told the people he was talking to that he would consider taking care of the kids but that he needed to talk it over with his gf first. There are many ways he could've handled this differently so that you didn't end up feeling like you've been pushed aside - but he didn't. Think about it the other way around - would you have done something like this?

[Angel1111]

His behavior here is very passive-agressive and the fact that he got angry with you for your reaction is a big red flag. If he at least doesn't acknowledge to you that he did something out of line, then you need to think very seriously about this relationship. He doesn't seem to be very respectfuly of your wants, and that will be a really bad thing if you marry him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm still not sure how I would feel about all of a sudden dating a single dad, and possibly becoming a stepmom.

 

I imagine this is something you’re going to have to ‘feel out’ first before deciding whether or not this drastic change in your relationship dynamics suites you. Meanwhile, since it’s a decision he made on his own, than it’s also a huge responsibility he’ll have to tackle on his own if it becomes too much for you.

 

Meanwhile, I agree that this is a life-changing decision that he should have at least mentioned to you if he were considering it. Especially if he were hoping you’d be on board to partner him through it. Hard to say whether this is some indicator regarding his sincerity to marry in the future... or perhaps just a sign that he’s becoming almost too comfortable with your willingness to compromise in his behalf that he’s beginning to take your loyalty for granted. If anything, I sure hope this isn’t going to become the perquisite for how decisions get made in the future if and when the two of you decide to marry.

 

Good luck, and hope you muster the courage today to speak up in your own behalf without worrying about ‘how it might look’ or upsetting him.

[JaneInVegas]

Oh gosh, I'm going to go out on a limb here ...

 

First off, I haven't read everything (I am a notorious skim reader) and there may be something important that I missed.

 

Secondly, I am a HUGE children's advocate, and tend to put their needs above everyone elses. Third and last, I tend to do things spur of the moment without thinking these kind of things through. So I guess what I'm saying is, I have a slant on your situation, I relate more to his side than maybe the average person.

 

Having said all that ...

 

What I think perhaps happened is he was in a conversation/situation where he felt compelled to help those kids, to make a difference, maybe someone said, "Those kids are getting shipped off to Siberia tomorrow!" and he had a knee jerk reaction. While it's unfortunate that by the time it funneled down to you it ended up losing most of it's positive charm, (and I'm quite sure he didn't realize that when he first volunteered!) he probably now realizes 'uh-oh'. He asked you if you would be willing to stay with him, which in my mind is a good thing/bad thing. Good thing because obviously he plans on keeping you in his life - bad thing because I think it should have been more like "Honey look at what I did for US, and even though I didn't ask you first I hope this decision makes you as happy as it does me!"

 

You probably already have an idea whether you want to stay with him as a brand new single dad or not, but maybe you still need more time to process out this huge new change in your relationship with him. My vote - for whatever it's worth - is to stay with someone who is so incredibly unselfish.

[Angel1111]

Secondly, I am a HUGE children's advocate, and tend to put their needs above everyone elses. Third and last, I tend to do things spur of the moment without thinking these kind of things through. So I guess what I'm saying is, I have a slant on your situation, I relate more to his side than maybe the average person.

 

What you're saying is somewhat understandable. If I were faced with a situation like that, I'd probably react first - save the kids - and then discuss it. But, where I see the real problem to be is that he got mad at her when she told him how she felt. Any reasonable person would understand the full impact of what they had done and they would at least acknowledge that, and her feelings.

[2sunny]

What you're saying is somewhat understandable. If I were faced with a situation like that, I'd probably react first - save the kids - and then discuss it. But, where I see the real problem to be is that he got mad at her when she told him how she felt. Any reasonable person would understand the full impact of what they had done and they would at least acknowledge that, and her feelings.

 

i agree, and proper order of basic respect means he would have considered your opinion first IF he valued you as a significant part of his future. seeing that he didn't ask first - means that he is a guy that's willing to make huge decisions based on his own preference and leave you hanging to deal with his decision - like it or not!

 

this is a BIG respect issue in marriage and relationships. can you get past this hurdle? my xH used to buy cars without telling me - then it was a house... then wonder WHY I was mad???? geez, it would have been nice to be asked first. he never thought he needed to ask - and didn't want to consider my preferences at all - see the disrespect? then he wanted to be mad at me for not being "happy" - what? it's not that i'm unhappy with your choice - it's that i'm unhappy that you disrespected me by never asking me first if i had a preference for such a huge decision... after 23 years of this rollercoaster passive aggressive behavior - i asked to get off the ride.

 

is this something you can live with forever? if not, then stop dating him or ask him to show by his actions that things change.

[Art_Critic]

I'd probably react first - save the kids - and then discuss it.

 

It wasn't like he was rushing into a burning building to save them..

 

He had plenty of time to discuss it with her.. even if he said to his friends. "I'd like to take in the children but I would like to discuss this with so and so as she will be taking care of them too".. Give me till morning and I'll give you my answer.

 

He obviously didn't consider the ONE person he should have.. his other half of the equation. BF-GF.. HS-WF.. it doesn't matter because their future was clear that they would get married.

 

The key is whether or not he did this out of disrespect for the relationship or he did this because he is young and just eff'd up.

 

The other key is how he goes about correcting the eff up..

He should acknowledge his eff up and make amends.

 

In the long run... whether or not he gets the kids or not she still has to deal with the effects of his actions to their relationship and most of that is also based on how he trys to fix things..

Edited December 19, 2009 by Art_Critic

[threebyfate]

I don't think this has anything to do with how he perceives your future together. What he's done is to act first, then ask for forgiveness after.

 

IME, this is a personal foible, one you will have to accept in him. He makes decisions and then goes with them. If you look backwards in your relationship, you'll probably find that he's done this before, in small ways.

 

But in some ways, you're putting the cart before the horse. He hasn't yet proposed so his life is still his own. The children are also not a definitive addition to his life.

 

How I would handle this is to ensure he realizes that in making this decision alone, he's also solely responsible for raising these children on his own, that your relationship is outside of his relationship with the children.

 

While this sounds cold, it also reinforces how decisions bear the fruit of responsibility.

[mem11363]

It is NOT unselfish to make a giant life commitment and then try and present it as "I hope you will be as happy as I am that I made a knee jerk decision to de-facto adopt 2 children you know nothing about."

 

Jane - if someone worded something like this in that manner - I would think "so you did something super duper disrespectful to me and now you are presenting it as I am a bad person if I don't tell you I am happy about it?"

 

That approach would make this oh so much worse.

 

How about: "I did something that I had no business doing without talking to you. I am deeply sorry I did that - let me tell you what I did, why I did it and lets see if we can make this work"

 

And it starts with some background on the kids - this is what they are like etc. And it continues with "of course I do not expect you to shoulder any of the burden here - I made this commitment solo and will honor it that way - I just need you to tolerate it for approximately X amount of time."

 

The combo of the bad choice - with the angry defensive posture - I would start to walk away and see what happens.

 

Oh gosh, I'm going to go out on a limb here ...

 

First off, I haven't read everything (I am a notorious skim reader) and there may be something important that I missed.

 

Secondly, I am a HUGE children's advocate, and tend to put their needs above everyone elses. Third and last, I tend to do things spur of the moment without thinking these kind of things through. So I guess what I'm saying is, I have a slant on your situation, I relate more to his side than maybe the average person.

 

Having said all that ...

 

What I think perhaps happened is he was in a conversation/situation where he felt compelled to help those kids, to make a difference, maybe someone said, "Those kids are getting shipped off to Siberia tomorrow!" and he had a knee jerk reaction. While it's unfortunate that by the time it funneled down to you it ended up losing most of it's positive charm, (and I'm quite sure he didn't realize that when he first volunteered!) he probably now realizes 'uh-oh'. He asked you if you would be willing to stay with him, which in my mind is a good thing/bad thing. Good thing because obviously he plans on keeping you in his life - bad thing because I think it should have been more like "Honey look at what I did for US, and even though I didn't ask you first I hope this decision makes you as happy as it does me!"

 

You probably already have an idea whether you want to stay with him as a brand new single dad or not, but maybe you still need more time to process out this huge new change in your relationship with him. My vote - for whatever it's worth - is to stay with someone who is so incredibly unselfish.

[2sunny]

It is NOT unselfish to make a giant life commitment and then try and present it as "I hope you will be as happy as I am that I made a knee jerk decision to de-facto adopt 2 children you know nothing about."

 

i'm confused - this double negative is throwing me off... what exactly are you saying?

[Art_Critic]

Role reversal...

 

If you had done the same exact thing to him what do you think his reaction would have been ?

 

Sometimes the answer is in how they would have reacted...

[MissGoLightly]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad I decided to check in one more time before heading over to talk to him.

 

Just to clarify a couple things, both the parents have passed away, and the kids are living with their stepmother, who for various reasons may not be able to care for them. Her situation is what this whole drama turns on.

 

The kids are about 10/11 and 13/14 and my bf would be legally responsible for them until they're 18 (age of majority, right?). So ths isn't like a favor or something or a short period of time.

 

My primary concern is I wasn't a part of this decision. And it is a major decision. It is life altering. I might not be able to get over this.

 

My secondary concern is dating a single dad.

 

My tertiary concern is becoming a stepmother.

[2sunny]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad I decided to check in one more time before heading over to talk to him.

 

Just to clarify a couple things, both the parents have passed away, and the kids are living with their stepmother, who for various reasons may not be able to care for them. Her situation is what this whole drama turns on.

 

The kids are about 10/11 and 13/14 and my bf would be legally responsible for them until they're 18 (age of majority, right?). So ths isn't like a favor or something or a short period of time.

 

My primary concern is I wasn't a part of this decision. And it is a major decision. It is life altering. I might not be able to get over this.

 

My secondary concern is dating a single dad.

 

My tertiary concern is becoming a stepmother.

 

all of these feelings are totally justified. even biological teens aren't easy to raise... this isn't a decision to make in haste - so i would venture to wait and decide as time goes along - after you see how this plays out in the future. it will logistically tell you much more about the bigger picture.

 

so, to decide nothing is actually something. and at the same time to see how he responds to being disrespectful of you will also be key, even if he ultimately decides not to take these kids - he has shown how he is capable of disregarding your input for major decisions... let's see how he handles being called out on his boo boo.

[threebyfate]

I'm guessing he will expect the OP to help him with the kids, if it ever happens that way.

[JaneInVegas]

But, where I see the real problem to be is that he got mad at her when she told him how she felt. Any reasonable person would understand the full impact of what they had done and they would at least acknowledge that, and her feelings.

 

Ooops! ... missed that part, that's what I get for skim reading.

 

Agreed, he should acknowledge her feelings about it.

 

(going back to re-read what I missed .... )

[dazzle22]

What he has offered to do will irrevocably alter your life if you stay with him, and maybe not in ways you would have wanted. Especially over the kid issue. Nothing steamed me more than when I told my ex I didn't want kids before we married, and then he spent years trying to guilt me into having them. It is sort of a "bait and switch" feeling...