selena_cat Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) I've read how some hurting people here on LS and other sites are looking for any hope,and sign that shows that the exes may still care,some of my friends as well as i have gone through this. Their exes text,calls,e-mails,sometimes meet up for lunch, even sometimes do the flirty thing while still maintaining their distances. It seems that they don't really want the relationship with the person but keep in touch and act interested in order to dissappear or keep the dumpee on hold,which i think is deceitful. My question is while the exes are throwing scraps,crumbs while keeping dumpees at a poles length what effective method should the dumpee,(the one who chases the crumbs) employ in order to stop being taken for a ride? While still maintain some sort of communication with the ex since some of us cant seem to employ total NC. (No contact) Any insights,advice Opinions,or treats are welcomed! Edited December 18, 2009 by selena_cat Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 exes throw breadcrumbs cos we they feel we NEED something from them and it kinda makes them look the good 'guy'... and also allows them assuage their guilt for hurting us... Any reply by us = them throwing more breadcrumbs.. If you have NO feelings for the ex then its a non issue.. keep in touch... If you have even the SLIGHTEST feeling for them.. then Selena, I think you know the answer.. There is NO Way to keep taking those breadcrumbs and NOT be taken for a ride... It is DAM hard I know, I'm coming out of that now after most of this year.. I enjoyed the scraps whilst she let her feelings change about me and now I am doing my best not to contact her.. in fact in the last 3 days I haven't... anything i typed or dialled I stopped midway through and rang a friend instead... The only time I will talk to her now is when I know I do not have these feelings for her, or any wanting for her... so, thats probably when I find someone else!!!.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author selena_cat Posted December 18, 2009 Author Share Posted December 18, 2009 thanks Kick! You can post or answer here anytime you have if you feel the urge to contact,always love to read other people's experiences also,You seem to know you know enough was enough. I think sometimes to them its all a game.. Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 would ya believe I txt her today.. too ashamed to mention it before.. she just replied.. eh, DELETED... *pat for me on my back* I am not back to square one but my butt is sore from the ass kicking it got again.... it IS a game, and whilst I started the game every day for over 3 years, I then allowed myself for months to be relegated to running up and down the sidelines waving my arms maniacally hoping she'd notice me... which she did, every now and again she'd run over, take a drink from my water bottle, wink, smile and disappear again across the field... I fear this train i'm on that was slowing down to let me off has just taken off down the backside of a mountain... WOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHH.. Bad Kick, Bad Kick.. am SOOO gonna enjoy myself tonight It'll be ridiculous!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author selena_cat Posted December 18, 2009 Author Share Posted December 18, 2009 Okay time to take your evil cell away from you,come on give it up. i hope you make wiser decisions and you really dont have to respond to her every txt and crumbs. Dont start fathering new children on your night out,i have to recommend strict NC and hiding your cell! Hope i hear from everyone on this thread:) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Thankfully, I've never had to go through this. My stbx might as well be in outer space, and I mean that in a good way. No communication at all, other than mostly friendly stuff about property and divorce stuff. I would tend to think unfinished business has some to do with the crumbs, as well as immaturity, usually described by assuaging their own egos. Perhaps not applicable to LTR's, I think MC or exit counseling is great for settling out a marriage through the divorce process without rancor. It certainly has worked for us. Absent that, if you are in pain and the focal point of that pain is a certain person, it's up to you to establish a boundary for that hurt and enforce that boundary. If civil talk is OK, OK. No flirting, no charming, no ego boosting. Boundary enforcement is silence. 'That's unacceptable' *click*. They'll go away soon enough Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Okay time to take your evil cell away from you,come on give it up. i hope you make wiser decisions and you really dont have to respond to her every txt and crumbs. Dont start fathering new children on your night out,i have to recommend strict NC and hiding your cell! Hope i hear from everyone on this thread:) *sheepishly shuffles back into room*... I know Selena.. I know, jeez, I am GREAT at telling people what to do sometimes, I look at my contact 'indiscretions' as reaffirmation that people shouldn't do what they are thinking of doing and then I post them here as a warning to others!!!! Fathering children? well that would certainly be ONE way to move on!!! LMFAO!!!! the cell is going on 'off' shortly and the mind is being refocused.. I am BETTER than that.. she does not deserve to hear from me.. she has walked away trailing a rope that she hopes I give a tug to now and again, well I'm sorry, but the chord is being cut.... I PROMISE TO ME THAT I WILL NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN TILL I CAN INTRODUCE HER TO MY WIFE!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author selena_cat Posted December 18, 2009 Author Share Posted December 18, 2009 *sheepishly shuffles back into room*... I know Selena.. I know, jeez, I am GREAT at telling people what to do sometimes, I look at my contact 'indiscretions' as reaffirmation that people shouldn't do what they are thinking of doing and then I post them here as a warning to others!!!! Fathering children? well that would certainly be ONE way to move on!!! LMFAO!!!! the cell is going on 'off' shortly and the mind is being refocused.. I am BETTER than that.. she does not deserve to hear from me.. she has walked away trailing a rope that she hopes I give a tug to now and again, well I'm sorry, but the chord is being cut.... I PROMISE TO ME THAT I WILL NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN TILL I CAN INTRODUCE HER TO MY WIFE!!!! Thanks Carhill,enforcing boundary's is improtant,something that even i need to work on then click if it gets out of hand. For You kick, its okay, will take time,you'll learn but please keep posting here,as much as you want,i'll read and respond. Do anything you have to that helps you cut contact or not reply to your ex. Maybe you need to give your cell to your mother or trustworthy friends that will help, And No you don't need to go hit the clubs and start fathering new children out of revenge,child support i heard is very high:) Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I think the crumbs thing is because some exes genuinely want to stay in touch as friends, or maybe they haven't let go completely themselves, and want to keep you there as long as need be, maybe it's a slight ego thing cos it is probably quite nice to have someone who still adores them. Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Thanks Carhill,enforcing boundary's is improtant,something that even i need to work on then click if it gets out of hand. For You kick, its okay, will take time,you'll learn but please keep posting here,as much as you want,i'll read and respond. Do anything you have to that helps you cut contact or not reply to your ex. Maybe you need to give your cell to your mother or trustworthy friends that will help, And No you don't need to go hit the clubs and start fathering new children out of revenge,child support i heard is very high:) agree on boundarys Carhill... think mine is a pretty simple one.. don't contact her. I had tried that before and told her not to reply.. but she loves it so she does! Selena.. I know o wise one! If I could give the cell away I would, but its for work too... I just need to unlearn her numbers somehow.. or not have it with me 24/7.. well fathering children wouldn't be out of revenge, it'd just be a consequence of what could possibly be a forgettable moment!!.. hang on, am I rationalising that argument.. .Get thee to a nunnery! (nope, try again Kick....) So a guy gets on an early morn 'business' flight with 6 children, Stewardess asks "are these all yours sir?" "Nope, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints"... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 A good rule of thumb is, if a relationship ends for reasons similar to why one would end a friendship (think about that one hard), why would one want to remain friends with that person? Perhaps, in the far future, when both people have grown to a different place and perhaps share interests and the commonalities which friendship is built upon, then sure, be friends. IMO, anything else is BS, no matter how much lipstick and rouge is put on that pig. Note: Being friend*ly* (a personality characteristic) is not the same as being friends Link to post Share on other sites
sheithappens Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 yeah bread crumbs suck, you cant have your cake and eat it to, selena , you are going to kill me for this but what song should i use to serenade my ex?!?! lol , i am at fault for leaving her Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Dumpees are just desperate for any contac ! They still want to hear their voices and hope the dumper will come up whit something like " im sorry,i made a mistake " lol....But it doesnt work that way,simple.Dumpers are on their way to another person,they feel guilty by dumping the ex and they keep in touch to lower their guilt level !!! The ex becomes a suck*er and goes with it hoping he/she will change ! Only 10% or lower comes back ! Thats reality ! So to keep ur pride,U MUST GO NC ! Once they call back,u can take control and decide in wich direction this brake up will go ! Just tell the dumper to leave u alone and to not communicate any more ! Then wait and see.If u take her calls or email= UR DONE !!!!!!!!!!! You must let them MISS YOU ! The longer they crawl back the more they will feel their love come back or become stronger ! THEIR IS NO OTHER OPTIONS OR MAGIC POTIONS ! The more you talk to them the more they will distance themselves from you ! I had 2 short phone calls with my ex g/f,her response was " ACID " ! Nothing works,i tried it ! Begging.crying,writing....made it worse realy ! NC will also give u back ur pride ! Just tell the other one that ur life is taking another direction and let them stew over it ! Remember,they MUST CRAWL BACK or it wont work and NEVER BREAK NC ! RELATIONSHIPS OF LESS THEN 1 YEAR, LET THEM CRAWL 3 WEEKS. IF MORE THAN A YEAR,AT LEAST 6 WEEKS ! It will make them go nuts !!!! If u brake no contact===== YOU ARE DONE,they will NEVER come back ! Ur only chance realy.Im in it and it hurts like hell ! I hope she will come back but im also realistic ! Im not waiting for her,for me NC is for ever unless she calls of course.But if she does,she will crawl or good bye honey ! GOOD LUCK TO ALL,U WILL NEED IT ! *** AFTER 3 MONTHS just let it go and start looking for a better one and the ex will be just become a bad segment in ur life ! Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Another trick when they are still in touch,ITS REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ! U can tell them,LOOK I HAVE ENOUGH,I DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE ! I their mind THEY ARE THE ONE GETTING DUMPED ! Once its done,u r in control ! Then u decide what to do,not he or she.U GO FROM BEING THE DUMPEE TO BECOME THE DUMPER !!!!!!!!!!!!! U HAVE TO PLAY IT SMART AND MAKE SURE IT DOESNT SHOW OR HE/SHE WILL KNOW ! HEY ITS A GAME,PLAY IT WELL ! For me i learned all this to late,i wish i knew before ! My ex g/f wont take any calls from me(but i wont try to).My otions are limited to the NC ! She doesnt have a pc either,all communications were only by phone.If u guys have that otion to let think u dumped them,DO IT ! Dont forget,most dumpers always have another one waiting in line and they often try to decide if they took the right decision ! Women(sorry) are experts in this **** ! To them going from one to another is no big deal,sometimes they have friends to support their decisions,man dont !!!!!!!!!! When someone ends a good relationship(even a bad one sometimes) they just cant sweep their love under a carpet and think it will go away ! Soon or later it will come back to hunt them ! Just become a ghost to the dumper,gives you a much better chance !!!!!!!!!! U MUST READ ARTICLES IN THE NET ABOUT NC RULES,U MUST USE IT WISELY OR U WILL BE SCREW*D. AGAIN,GOOD LUCK AND BE HAPPY Link to post Share on other sites
sheithappens Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 i disagree about all dumper have someone waiting, i dumped my girlfriend of 5 years cos i got pissed off and then 2 days later i tried getting her back and nope, so i am kinda screwed right now..... when dudes dump chicks sometimes its out of impulse, girls on the other hand usually have someone waiting on the sideline , btw the reverse psychology trick does work, look what it is doing to me lol , i mean i am going to make an ass out of my self and try to serenade her , hopefully it works, good luck to everybody , we sure need it.... Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 yeah bread crumbs suck, you cant have your cake and eat it to, selena , you are going to kill me for this but what song should i use to serenade my ex?!?! lol , i am at fault for leaving her I HAVE A SONG FOR YOU, "another one bites the dust" from Queen ..lol Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 i disagree about all dumper have someone waiting, i dumped my girlfriend of 5 years cos i got pissed off and then 2 days later i tried getting her back and nope, so i am kinda screwed right now..... when dudes dump chicks sometimes its out of impulse, girls on the other hand usually have someone waiting on the sideline , btw the reverse psychology trick does work, look what it is doing to me lol , i mean i am going to make an ass out of my self and try to serenade her , hopefully it works, good luck to everybody , we sure need it.... Nothing exist that will make them come back,lets just say its a better option ! And MOST have another waiting,we have to generalize here ! I read over 200 cases,over 80% do have another one coming into their lives ! Dont forget,you are the dumper wich is different ! Dont contact her for a while and see what happens.Right now she is pissed at you !!!! let her cool down. Good luck 2 u Link to post Share on other sites
drew86 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Man I am really struggling with this currently... 3 months now since she broke up with me but she talks about getting married/living together/etc. I don't get it . I want to be with her, but I don't know what to do... She seems so close to wanting to date again and I don't know how to maximize my chances!! What a roller coaster. Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) SELENA,I NEED UR OPINION ! She dumped me 3rd of october over commitment.Relationship lasted 5 years. She replaced me 3 days before i got dumped.Also told me to not initiate any contact.I begged her,cry.wrote her a letter.A second letter to tell her that i agreed with the brake up and it was probably the best solution for us at this time.I showed up at her job(use to work there i got friends).She lost it and ask her boss to tell me to leave,i did.She was very much in love with me and very clingy also.Talked to her twice for no more then 2 minutes each time. On the second call she was pissed at me and hung up.Her new b/f is a plumber,not her type,shes a banker,so am i.He was the first she picked wich in normal time she wouldnt ! Almost 3 months now and NC for 5 weeks. I will be in NC till she calls or it will be forever ! We are in our late 40s.She was normal till the last week so it was a quick decision.What do u think ???? Do u think i still have a chance ???? ty for ur reply Edited December 19, 2009 by meonly Link to post Share on other sites
Author selena_cat Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) yeah bread crumbs suck, you cant have your cake and eat it to, selena , you are going to kill me for this but what song should i use to serenade my ex?!?! lol , i am at fault for leaving her Sheit,I've done told you how i feel about this! listen to Leonly,Carhill,NC! Kickinthe..,he seems to need a good cyber-smackdown,i bet he's contacting his ex,and fathering new children at the nightclub as we now speak,oh well,we cant control everybody I asked this questions because some of us are stuck in limbo,and a miserable one too,its like being in a hospital waiting room waiting for the 'Ex'-doctor appear and they are not available! Drew, did you at least talk to her,tell her how you feel,its a catch 22,you dont want to lose her if you tell her the truth.but if you drag on the commitment you may stil lose her However, to leonly! Are you in need of a a Cyber-smackdown too? Don't worry i had beatdowns myself not maintaining NC. the fact that some women,not I though will pick men who we think will be different from our exes is commmon, so the fact that he's a plumber or an unemployed musician doesnt matter. Its not a good idea to wait around when ther are with someone else to change their minds,trust me. i know theres always something you feel that you can or should do,likeSheit here. sure its not an option to sit and let someone you love and you know deep in your heart loves you,but this time you will have to sit this out,NC big time even in the holidays comming,txt or call your aunt Judy, who will be more happy to hear from you than your ex. Edited December 19, 2009 by selena_cat Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Sheit,I've done told you how i feel about this! listen to Leonly,Carhill,NC! Kickinthe..,he seems to need a good cyber-smackdown,i bet he's contacting his ex,and fathering new children at the nightclub as we now speak,oh well,we cant control everybody I asked this questions because some of us are stuck in limbo,and a miserable one too,its like being in a hospital waiting room waiting for the 'Ex'-doctor appear and they are not available! Drew, did you at least talk to her,tell her how you feel,its a catch 22,you dont want to lose her if you tell her the truth.but if you drag on the commitment you may stil lose her However, to leonly! Are you in need of a a Cyber-smackdown too? Don't worry i had beatdowns myself not maintaining NC. the fact that some women,not I though will pick men who we think will be different from our exes is commmon, so the fact that he's a plumber or an unemployed musician doesnt matter. Its not a good idea to wait around when ther are with someone else to change their minds,trust me. i know theres always something you feel that you can or should do,likeSheit here. sure its not an option to sit and let someone you love and you know deep in your heart loves you,but this time you will have to sit this out,NC big time even in the holidays comming,txt or call your aunt Judy, who will be more happy to hear from you than your ex. NC for sure,no way out of this one,ty Selena for ur reply. JUst so f***** hard when u miss the one u love Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Kickinthe..,he seems to need a good cyber-smackdown,i bet he's contacting his ex,and fathering new children at the nightclub as we now speak,oh well,we cant control everybody Oh ye of little faith!!!! No kids fathered.. no contacting the ex.. "I DID IT"!! (new thread on coping forum!) NC might make her miss me, but so what.... If that time comes, well it'll be up to me to decide what I want (And remember how I was treated these last few months) Link to post Share on other sites
Author selena_cat Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 [Oh ye of little faith!!!! No kids fathered.. no contacting the ex.. "I DID IT"!! (new thread on coping forum!) NC might make her miss me, but so what.... If that time comes, well it'll be up to me to decide what I want (And remember how I was treated these last few months) cough' cough' lies! cough'! ahem..kick,did you really not contact your ex,contact means txt etc..? come clean! Meonly i have this site is great for you in fact i will post this in a new thread,its called "resisting the urge to contact ex on Christmas" you gotto be strong,even though you may not feel like it. self dignity comes first. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerLady Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I've read how some hurting people here on LS and other sites are looking for any hope,and sign that shows that the exes may still care,some of my friends as well as i have gone through this. Their exes text,calls,e-mails,sometimes meet up for lunch, even sometimes do the flirty thing while still maintaining their distances. It seems that they don't really want the relationship with the person but keep in touch and act interested in order to dissappear or keep the dumpee on hold,which i think is deceitful. My question is while the exes are throwing scraps,crumbs while keeping dumpees at a poles length what effective method should the dumpee,(the one who chases the crumbs) employ in order to stop being taken for a ride? While still maintain some sort of communication with the ex since some of us cant seem to employ total NC. (No contact) Any insights,advice Opinions,or treats are welcomed! Easy! Keeps the door open and keeps you as an option. They are bored have nothing better to do. They enjoy the attention from you and it boosts their ego. The bottom line is you are never the priority. NC is very very hard to do but its the best thing to do. It takes your power back and makes it so you can start fresh. Gives you time to really look at the dynamic... Link to post Share on other sites
meonly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 [Oh ye of little faith!!!! No kids fathered.. no contacting the ex.. "I DID IT"!! (new thread on coping forum!) NC might make her miss me, but so what.... If that time comes, well it'll be up to me to decide what I want (And remember how I was treated these last few months) cough' cough' lies! cough'! ahem..kick,did you really not contact your ex,contact means txt etc..? come clean! Meonly i have this site is great for you in fact i will post this in a new thread,its called "resisting the urge to contact ex on Christmas" you gotto be strong,even though you may not feel like it. self dignity comes first. I WONT COMMUNICATE WITH HER ANYMORE,SPOKE TO HER TWICE IN ALMOST 3 MONTHS FOR A TOTAL OF 4 MINUTES ! IM DOING OK ON NC TY I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT.NC FOR EVER FOR ME !!! Link to post Share on other sites
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