changedman Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 i just wanted to ask that question due to this being the first x-mas that my 18 year old daughter will experience as being a broken family. her mother and i have been separated since May and will file for divorce the first of the year. do i apologize to my daughter for my part in breaking up the family or just leave well enough alone? it's just that her mother has been painting the picture that everything that happened to us was my fault, which is not true, because she doesn't want our daughter to know the part that she played.
CarrieT Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Why not? But don't mention your Ex whatsoever or do ANY name-calling. Just apologize that you have caused your daughter pain and are sorry for whatever hurt she might be experiencing in regards to the ending of her parents relationship. It does not have to be a she said/he said scenario for you to feel remorse and knowing that sharing the concern with your daughter that you are worried about more than just yourself can only be a good thing.
Art_Critic Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I like CarrieT's response.. I would also throw in that you reinforce to her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her and the divorce doesn't change the relationship you have with her. It doesn't matter that she is 18.. pain felt when your parents go through a divorce is still real and doesn't follow age boundaries.
LakesideDream Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Same situation happened in my life eight plus years ago. Where I lived, divorce was much quicker, so the first Thanksgiving/Christmas happened post divorce. The kids new the truth (18 and 19) the chose to acknowledge or ignore things as it suited them. I'm sure your child will do the same. I feel for you, the long journey to getting your life back is just beginning, good luck.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 "it's just that her mother has been painting the picture that everything that happened to us was my fault, which is not true, because she doesn't want our daughter to know the part that she played. That is the tricky part, the child must be made aware of both sides of the story. A buddy of mine went along with the MC, who adivised that is was best to keep the details of the reasons for the D away from the children. The XW told the kids that their father was a control freak - True he forbade her from seeing the wifes new boytoy BF who was 10 years younger. The XW told the kids that it was their father that was fooling around outside of marriage - See above The XW told the kids that it was their father that had spent all of their college funds on his new GF. - It was the XW spending their college money on toys for her new boy toy The kids shut him out and it got worse for them, not knowing the truth.
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 do i apologize to my daughter for my part in breaking up the family or just leave well enough alone? it's just that her mother has been painting the picture that everything that happened to us was my fault, which is not true I agree that it's tricky. If you simply apologize for your part, that can be (mis)interpreted / heard as if what your ex is saying is all totally true. Rather than making any statements to your daughter, why not ask her some questions? How is she feeling this Christmas? Are there any things that she'd like to talk about? Does she have any questions for you? What are her thoughts and feelings? What does she need from you? That is, maybe find out where she is first and then respond to that? Sending one and all some...comfort and peace this Holiday Season. And maybe even a few shared moments of real happiness and joy with those you love.
anne1707 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Make it clear that you love your daughter and are there for her just as much as you have always been. She is in the middle of all this and the last thing she needs is pressure to take sides. Do not criticise your ex. Be honest with your daughter if she asks questions but maybe tell her at times that some things are between you and your wife. She is 18 and whilst a child to you, she is also old enough to understand that relationships are complex. My parents split up when I was 14 or so. It took a year or two for them to finally split and during that time, my mother tore my father apart (he had an affair). However both my brother and I ended up living with my father - we were sick of the relentless pressure from my mother to take her side when we both still loved our father in spite of the mistakes he had made. She actually drove us away from her in the end.
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 She's 18, an adult. She's old enough to handle the truth. When she finds out years later, and she will find out, she will be resentful she wasn't told sooner.
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