What is it about me that bring out the sleaze on men?

[4givrnt4gtr]

So im really really irritated today. I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago. When i got together with him he and this other guy started hitting on me literally a week after I became single again.

 

My now ex was, what i thought, pretty legit. I knew he liked me for a while but still i didnt agree to date him til three months later as the way he approached me was very "lets hookup" like. I didnt like it so I held off.

 

The other dude. Ive known him for like 5 years or more. He never calls me when he is planning to have a party with the rest of the group, or basically nothing. We have no relationship at all. Yet, as soon as he found out I was single he asked for my number, even walked me to my apartment when he saw i didnt take the other guy home. I didnt think much of it, as he's always been very weird like that but when he moved in to try to kiss me I flipped and told him hell no. After he saw I moved forward with the other guy he backed off again and never heard from him again, only saw him in random group get togethers and stuff.

 

 

 

Anyway, fastforward to this year, the legit guy and I broke up in September.

 

 

The guy that never talks to me, asked me yesterday in a get together whether i was done with my ex. I said i was and he has the nerve to say that had he known that he would have called me a long time ago. I know he isnt looking for a relationship. Just a hook up. Its gross.

 

and THEN

 

this other guy from way back in high school also sent me a message yesterday asking me how my love life is. I said its pretty complicated with my friend and given that I still care about my ex. He then says that oh thats too bad, cuz he wanted me to go out with him and hook up. !!! what the heck!!!!! Where in the world did THAT come from!!!!

 

and THEN on top of that

 

this one guy Ive been really close with for years started giving me weird vibes right after my ex and I broke up. We start talking a lot and hanging out. He keeps giving me advice and consoling me every time i feel sad about the break up. Eventually we get drunk and hook up. I have always told him i never want to date him and after we hooked up I said we cant ever do that again...as I dont do friends with benefits.

 

Ive been trying to keep it at platonic level but unfortunately i think i started getting confused about him and we continue talking and hanging out a lot. A few weeks after the first hook up we made out again. For some reason that time it didnt feel random, it felt like he really cared about me and wasnt just a hook up. I felt bad cuz I dont see him like that. However, he didnt mention it afterwards until yesterday when he asked me to hang out again. I said i would only he couldnt come up to my place cuz alcohol was going to be involved and I didnt want anything to happen. So I made sure we hanged out at his sister's then at the bars and when it was time to come home and he started to follow me I told him to not come up. He didnt immediately but after a while he came knocking on my door asking for water or something. At this point i was drunk and fed up with all the douchebags trying to get in my pants so I was crying. He came in and started consoling me, telling me that any attractive girl would get stuff like that. I disagreed, given that all the sleaziness was coming from people I trusted or at least knew for a long time.

SO anyway I calmed down after a while and we just watched a movie til we fell asleep. He pulled me in towards him and starts kissing me and ended up hooking up. As soon as we're done he turns towards the wall and falls asleep. Then gets up in a few hours later in the middle of the night, tells me he has to go and says "have a good day kid!" GOD! Seriously, had he left me a couple of 20s i wouldnt have felt more insulted! I hate it! I mean...for a while I thought he liked me...and I even considered maybe trying to be more than friends so thats why I was kind of ok with hooking up with him seeing as how there was more to it that just physical stuff but now i see he is just one more of those wolves.

 

 

What the heck am I doing that is bringing the sleaziness out in otherwise nice guys ive known for years!!!! Aside from my close friend I have not given those other guys any reason to believe its ok to approach me like that! what the heck! I dont dress slutty, I dont flirt shamelessly......Im the same person they all knew 5 years or more ago, what the heck changed???

Edited December 18, 2009 by 4givrnt4gtr

[Ms. Joolie]

It's not that you turn on the sleaziness. It's that these guys are acting the way they act. Whether or not you are going to let them use you that way is entirely up to you.

 

If you don't like it, then don't play along. Don't victimize yourself. Also, if you don't like your friends' behavior, maybe you just need new friends?

 

Thinking about it, you have to be careful with those guy "friends". lol

[stevejohnson1976]

stop hooking up and acting easy and they will stop treating you this way.

 

from everything you described, it seems like you let people walk all over you and the guys know it.

[threebyfate]

Firstly, categorizing men in "nice" and "sleazy" boxes will get you screwed. Most guys are looking to get laid. Some are more discriminate in who, how, when and others are predatory and/or promiscuous.

 

So...it's up to the woman to be her own gatekeeper. Who do you allow into your life and how close will you let them get to you? How well do you know yourself, in that how far will you go and where are your boundaries?

 

Lay down some boundaries of behaviour, that are clearly understood with men who satellite you. If guys push those boundaries, shut them down cleary, with no inconsistencies.

 

I also suggest that you do this with all people, gender aside and regardless of relationship type.

[stevejohnson1976]

i disagree that ALL guys just want to get laid. i seriously could care less. i know it will happen eventually, so I dont waste time worrying about it. I'm more worried about making that person my friend and getting trust established

 

the sex always comes if you take care of the friends and trust part in a relationship first

[threebyfate]

i disagree that ALL guys just want to get laid. i seriously could care less. i know it will happen eventually, so I dont waste time worrying about it. I'm more worried about making that person my friend and getting trust established

 

the sex always comes if you take care of the friends and trust part in a relationship first

What you've reiterated is exactly what happened to the OP. Reread what you wrote in conjunction to what she described.

[stevejohnson1976]

What you've reiterated is exactly what happened to the OP. Reread what you wrote in conjunction to what she described.

 

ummm...a dude knocking on your door after a night of drinking and when she clearly told him 'no' is not what i would call being trusting and friends. I'd call that frickin desperate as Fruck....

 

she clearly has a hard time telling dudes no. you know if he comes knocking at the door at 2am asking for 'water', he's not thirsty. Thirsty for sex maybe, but certainly not water.

 

Notice the common theme in her post "we were drunk and hooked up". who respects that? i certainly dont respect girls who do that and view them as easy.

 

She's too easy...its that simple. Until she stops that, guys will walk all over her.

Edited December 18, 2009 by stevejohnson1976

[threebyfate]

You're missing the point. The guy who she trusted as a friend, was after sex and treated her disgracefully afterwards.

 

What you're describing is that you befriend a woman, gain her trust, so you can have sex with her.

 

Don't you see what's wrong with this picture?

[stevejohnson1976]

You're missing the point. The guy who she trusted as a friend, was after sex and treated her disgracefully afterwards.

 

What you're describing is that you befriend a woman, gain her trust, so you can have sex with her.

 

Don't you see what's wrong with this picture?

 

no..thats not what i am saying at all..

 

im saying that if you treat a girl right, the sex will come. im dating currently and the last thing on my mind is sex. im more worried about doing the right things and treating her with the respect she deserves so she will like me. Sex is just sex. sex doesnt matter to me unless im with someone i care about greatly. its not about feeling good, its about connecting.

 

im not sure which guy you are talking about, but in the last paragraph, some guy walked her home, was told no, im not hooking up with you, yet came to the door asking for water. thats not what I would call treating a woman right. i dont care what he did before hand. he's obviously a scumbag and she's easy. until she stops being easy, guys are going to come to her door asking for 'water'. that is her question here. "What is it about me that brings out sleeze?" its you, you're easy and guys know it. what dont YOU get here...????

[carhill]

OP, how about some alone time away from the sleaze? You're in charge of you.

 

Perhaps that time and introspection will help you better understand the behaviors and perspective in a man which are compatible with and healthy for you. Warning: You might feel like a cynic at times. That's OK.

[boogieboy]

No more guy friends for you. They are only friends with you to try to win you over after a while. Dont hang out alone with men that you arent attracted to, and those that you are attracted to...well youre a big girl, you can make your own decisions.

[4givrnt4gtr]

stop hooking up and acting easy and they will stop treating you this way.

 

from everything you described, it seems like you let people walk all over you and the guys know it.

 

Other than my close friend I havent hooked up with any of these guys. I thought I liked my friend for a while but I am realizing he isnt what i want. Sure with him I was easy i guess...but the rest???? I havent done anything for these men to think that.

[carhill]

Once you change your thinking and focus, and you must do that alone, you will send out different signals to men. Unconsciously, IMO, you're sending out signals of need. You may disagree. That's OK. Spend enough time alone working on yourself, then go out and see the difference. Really.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Once you change your thinking and focus, and you must do that alone, you will send out different signals to men. Unconsciously, IMO, you're sending out signals of need. You may disagree. That's OK. Spend enough time alone working on yourself, then go out and see the difference. Really.

 

You are 110% right.

 

I actually do feel needy and lonely. So im guessing thats what these guys are picking up.

I also realize im hanging out with people who love drama and thats the last thing i need.

I was thinking about how i feel like start over cuz i feel like in the past 5 years ive made a lot of mistakes that keep following me.

I then thought about what i used to do when I was in third grade and messed up one of my notebooks...i would rip out the messed up pages, toss them somewhere and start over....

 

Thats what i feel like doing....rip out the pages that dont work and are causing drama, learn from the mistakes i made and start over....

 

It feels good to remember i have that choice regardless of what has happened in the past and what people may think or not of me

[carhill]

Each day you get up.... wow, it's pretty cool to be alive, considering the alternative. Now, what are you going to do? Infinite choices. Don't let anyone kid you. You have a choice, each and every minute you're alive. What choice are you going to make today, right now? Tomorrow? Take each day as one day. Yesterday is over, done. Tomorrow is not here yet. What are you going to do?

 

That's a philosophy I learned taking care of my demented mother. It kept me from going insane

[meerkat stew]

As far as the guys who don't get in touch when they know you are in a relationship, is this really a bad thing? Wouldn't you rather that than them hanging around trying to play fake friend?

 

You had a ONS with some guy who got in your door for "water" and you had sex. You both knew full well what was going on, neither of you are a bad guy and he's not a sleaze any more than you are.

 

Next time the possibility of a ONS pops up, just take it for what it is and if you decide to go with it, try to enjoy it instead of beating yourself up about it.

[SadandConfusedWA]

All men are like that given a chance.

 

You really shouldn't hang out with male friends one on one, or if you must make it a quick lunch or coffee.

 

You DEFINETLY shouldn't invite male friends to your place for movie nights and such because of course they will try something.

 

That reminds me of how I went out with a group of friends recently and a male friend was talking to me all night and buying me drinks. He also kept staring at my chest and being generally touchy-feely. When it was time to go, he offered to walk me home. I accepted because it was late and I live in a "bad" part of the city. On my door step, he kept dropping hints about how he wants to come in..... I completly ignored it and kissed him on the cheek and said "good night". He rang my door bell 10mins later. I didn't even open the door but said that I am tired and about to go to sleep. He left then.

 

The point is, you have to set clear boundaries. If you don't want to have sex then simply don't put yourself in those situations. The things is, you also hooked up with your ex who was formerly a friend. You are now having FWB with another "friend". The word probably got around that you uhm "put out" easily.

 

You need to know what you want and act accordingly.

[2sunny]

take a look at your body language... it may be telling them more than you think.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So im really really irritated today. I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago. When i got together with him he and this other guy started hitting on me literally a week after I became single again.

 

My now ex was, what i thought, pretty legit. I knew he liked me for a while but still i didnt agree to date him til three months later as the way he approached me was very "lets hookup" like. I didnt like it so I held off.

 

The other dude. Ive known him for like 5 years or more. He never calls me when he is planning to have a party with the rest of the group, or basically nothing. We have no relationship at all. Yet, as soon as he found out I was single he asked for my number, even walked me to my apartment when he saw i didnt take the other guy home. I didnt think much of it, as he's always been very weird like that but when he moved in to try to kiss me I flipped and told him hell no. After he saw I moved forward with the other guy he backed off again and never heard from him again, only saw him in random group get togethers and stuff.

 

 

 

Anyway, fastforward to this year, the legit guy and I broke up in September.

 

 

The guy that never talks to me, asked me yesterday in a get together whether i was done with my ex. I said i was and he has the nerve to say that had he known that he would have called me a long time ago. I know he isnt looking for a relationship. Just a hook up. Its gross.

 

and THEN

 

this other guy from way back in high school also sent me a message yesterday asking me how my love life is. I said its pretty complicated with my friend and given that I still care about my ex. He then says that oh thats too bad, cuz he wanted me to go out with him and hook up. !!! what the heck!!!!! Where in the world did THAT come from!!!!

 

and THEN on top of that

 

this one guy Ive been really close with for years started giving me weird vibes right after my ex and I broke up. We start talking a lot and hanging out. He keeps giving me advice and consoling me every time i feel sad about the break up. Eventually we get drunk and hook up. I have always told him i never want to date him and after we hooked up I said we cant ever do that again...as I dont do friends with benefits.

 

Ive been trying to keep it at platonic level but unfortunately i think i started getting confused about him and we continue talking and hanging out a lot. A few weeks after the first hook up we made out again. For some reason that time it didnt feel random, it felt like he really cared about me and wasnt just a hook up. I felt bad cuz I dont see him like that. However, he didnt mention it afterwards until yesterday when he asked me to hang out again. I said i would only he couldnt come up to my place cuz alcohol was going to be involved and I didnt want anything to happen. So I made sure we hanged out at his sister's then at the bars and when it was time to come home and he started to follow me I told him to not come up. He didnt immediately but after a while he came knocking on my door asking for water or something. At this point i was drunk and fed up with all the douchebags trying to get in my pants so I was crying. He came in and started consoling me, telling me that any attractive girl would get stuff like that. I disagreed, given that all the sleaziness was coming from people I trusted or at least knew for a long time.

SO anyway I calmed down after a while and we just watched a movie til we fell asleep. He pulled me in towards him and starts kissing me and ended up hooking up. As soon as we're done he turns towards the wall and falls asleep. Then gets up in a few hours later in the middle of the night, tells me he has to go and says "have a good day kid!" GOD! Seriously, had he left me a couple of 20s i wouldnt have felt more insulted! I hate it! I mean...for a while I thought he liked me...and I even considered maybe trying to be more than friends so thats why I was kind of ok with hooking up with him seeing as how there was more to it that just physical stuff but now i see he is just one more of those wolves.

 

 

What the heck am I doing that is bringing the sleaziness out in otherwise nice guys ive known for years!!!! Aside from my close friend I have not given those other guys any reason to believe its ok to approach me like that! what the heck! I dont dress slutty, I dont flirt shamelessly......Im the same person they all knew 5 years or more ago, what the heck changed???

 

 

Uh, consider the obvious:

 

Males do not DO the "friends" (just for the sake of 'friends') thing.

 

All males in your vicinity of their own free choice, are IN LINE...

 

 

Why is such a simple concept so foreign to women???

 

It doesn't matter what you think of them. The only prerequisite is them believing, for whatever reason, that they have a chance to romance/f*ck you.

 

The truly "sleazy" would be interrupting ongoing romantic relationships in which you are involved.

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

 

 

 

 

The things is, you also hooked up with your ex who was formerly a friend. You are now having FWB with another "friend". The word probably got around that you uhm "put out" easily.

 

You need to know what you want and act accordingly.

 

 

I didnt hook up with my ex. He asked me out right after I broke up with my then boyfriend. I sensed that he just wanted a hook up so I didnt do it. He continued talking to me for the next three months in which we got to know each other and actually got along really well. During this time we never did anything at all other than have lunch and dinner here and there.

 

We then started dating properly and did so for almost a year...so again...how is that translated to me being slutty...i dont know...though i do agree that me trying to date men from the same social group might not look too good which i do feel is making me look easy. I have decided to back off from this group and just take time to be on my own as carhill says.

 

@ meekat...

 

Well, i gues...its just that we all lived together and at least if we all are not very close we are fairly nice to each other. THis guy is somewhat of a jerk, and excludes me from stuff even though I am part of the group. So, yeah i mean i didnt mean i wanted him to be all buddy buddy but going from ignoring me and being a jerk to "heeey lets hook up." uhh yeah it was weird