Letting go... moving on... and it still hurts

[leap83]

Haven't posted here in a while and some would say that Leap must have put her life together.

 

So I did/tried. Then my heart got stomped on again and again. So much for recovery. I went NC for 3.5 weeks. We've exchanged "Merry Christmas." I am doing great career wise. I started to like another man (except distance is a bit of a challenge).

 

About 2 weeks ago, I started logging on Fb a bit more often as my exams are done. EVERY TIME I logged on, there he was. His picture. I kept clicking the X button. I didn't want to see it. But no... there it was again. Want to forget but hard to.

 

I got university offers. Great university offers from prestigious universities.

 

But I go back to "You don't know what you have until it's gone" - quite literally. Things happen for a reason right? I hope that's right.

 

In the end, it's not them who are hurting us. It's us who are hurting us. Friends told me to build a wall and disconnect myself from e-mails/phone calls. I forgot how to build a wall. It's like I haven't learned anything from my past, which bothers me.

 

Another thing that bothers me are the fact that he is not honest with himself and me. Trying to make a friendship work? Guess what?! It DOESN'T work. Especially if BOTH individuals involved are scared. At least I'm honest about it. I'm scared. I would appreciate his honesty if he just told me "Leap, I don't think friendship is going to work. I thought it would, but I'm scared to see you because of ____________ and ___________ and thus, it's not going to work right now. I'm sorry." In all honesty, I would probably be hurt by this, but hell.... it would make things easier.

 

So, I'm done with complicating things. I was really close to blocking him on Fb, e-mails, deleting his number so that I stop having false hopes/beliefs. I didn't do it because I'm a much bigger person than that. However, when the New Year comes, no more contact, no more hope. I quite literally hurt myself. I'm tired of doing this.

 

How do you build a wall? Can someone teach me? I know I should have learned this already, but I forgot how to do it. How do I disconnect myself?

Edited December 18, 2009 by leap83

[GrayClouds]

Haven't posted here in a while and some would say that Leap must have put her life together.

...

How do you build a wall? Can someone teach me? I know I should have learned this already, but I forgot how to do it. How do I disconnect myself?

 

Leap your still looking good in your little black dress, and your starting to feel good in it, but you still feeling a bit exposed. But your gain confidence it it so now now you start doing a Marilyn Monroe; you keep running over to the stream grate and letting that skirt fly up. You know that makes you feel exposed but you keep doing it, like Facie-Facebook, emails, and such.

 

You have always been confident in your confidence. It is one of your greatest strengths. But one of the things you discovered over the last few months is a thing called doubt. First you denied it (to, then ran from it and then found a way to live with it. You can make a decision, have some doubt but still find happiness. You learn to face it and still move forward.

 

There is times to ignore doubt move forward and times to listen to it. Now you have to learn to give it some respect. You know that doing curtain things will not be helpful. Though back in your mind there is doubt saying that this might not be a good idea but with your confidence you do not listen to it. This is a time when doubt is not trying to hold you back but protect you. Do not let your confidence (I am strong enough to be friends, I am strong enough to keep emailing, FB, ect., I can help him see a better way,) get in the way of keeping doubt from protecting yourself (maybe I am human and not strong enough to do those things).

 

You did not forget how to take care of yourself, you just not listening.

 

Your sexy enough in that black dress, you do not need a steam grate to blow up your skirt to prove how sexy your are girl. Stop trying prove how strong you are by doing things that is hurting yourself.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw hun

I do know people who have stayed friends, even when there were still feelings there and have both gone onto meet other people and stayed best friends. But I expect this is quite rare. I don't know which way it will go for me, I won't regret giving it a go though no matter what happens.

I can't build a wall around myself, or my heart so I can't advise

[leap83]

Leap your still looking good in your little black dress, and your starting to feel good in it, but you still feeling a bit exposed. But your gain confidence it it so now now you start doing a Marilyn Monroe; you keep running over to the stream grate and letting that skirt fly up. You know that makes you feel exposed but you keep doing it, like Facie-Facebook, emails, and such.

 

You have always been confident in your confidence. It is one of your greatest strengths. But one of the things you discovered over the last few months is a thing called doubt. First you denied it (to, then ran from it and then found a way to live with it. You can make a decision, have some doubt but still find happiness. You learn to face it and still move forward.

 

There is times to ignore doubt move forward and times to listen to it. Now you have to learn to give it some respect. You know that doing curtain things will not be helpful. Though back in your mind there is doubt saying that this might not be a good idea but with your confidence you do not listen to it. This is a time when doubt is not trying to hold you back but protect you. Do not let your confidence (I am strong enough to be friends, I am strong enough to keep emailing, FB, ect., I can help him see a better way,) get in the way of keeping doubt from protecting yourself (maybe I am human and not strong enough to do those things).

 

You did not forget how to take care of yourself, you just not listening.

 

Your sexy enough in that black dress, you do not need a steam grate to blow up your skirt to prove how sexy your are girl. Stop trying prove how strong you are by doing things that is hurting yourself.

 

Thanks. I do feel very vulnerable right now; however, less vulnerable than before. In a way I keep thinking I'm strong enough, but in reality I'm not.

 

This is not my thing - being friends with an ex. I don't do things like this. Yes - I am nice, but I don't become buddies with my ex. No way. I don't even know how to do it.

 

I'm stopping.

[Meaplus3]

You can start to build your wall by sticking with no contact to break free from the emotional aspect of the R. Really, NC is the first step to healing.. and forgetting. You can do it. Have a little faith in yourself.

 

Mea:)

[teanoranges]

Leap, I bet your the type of girl who's very independent in her own way.

I bet you live your life day to day and you're making it well.

 

I'm sure you also know that life goes on and that no matter what you will survive. I bet you ARE strong inside. Maybe you built walls in the past and let them drop for this guy, only to find that you don't know how to build those walls anymore.

 

Maybe its not that you don't know how, but you don't want to. Living closed off from people can get awfully lonely so you like them down for yourself.

 

Maybe I'm just crazy? haha.

 

I think most of us are getting on with our lives and have a lot of strength in us and hope for the future, our own future...

but strangely enough we have this little thing in us that clings on to little things.

We can only hope that that little thing will in fact fade.

In the end we are our consciousness... and that's tough to ignore. You really shouldn't ignore it.

 

I don't know, its a lot of self-discovery and its really a pain to deal with.

Reality is a tough place to live... It feels like so much less than we want sometimes.

 

Wow, I'm ranting. sorry.

[GrayClouds]

Thanks. I do feel very vulnerable right now; however, less vulnerable than before. In a way I keep thinking I'm strong enough, but in reality I'm not.

 

This is not my thing - being friends with an ex. I don't do things like this. Yes - I am nice, but I don't become buddies with my ex. No way. I don't even know how to do it.

 

I'm stopping.

 

 

Yes you are STRONG ENOUGH, but you do not have to prove to anyone, including yourself how strong you are buy doing something that hurts you. Just because your strong enough to whack your head against the wall it doesn't make it smart to do it.

 

That is why statements like

I'm stopping.

 

Shows your strong and smart enough to do the right thing for Leap.

[leap83]

You can start to build your wall by sticking with no contact to break free from the emotional aspect of the R. Really, NC is the first step to healing.. and forgetting. You can do it. Have a little faith in yourself.

 

Mea:)

 

You're right. I should stick with no contact. I tried sticking with it before and I was doing great - I mean, as great as I could be doing. I guess in a way I hoped I was strong enough to maintain some sort of contact with him, but I've overestimated myself. I'm not yet ready to do this.

 

Leap, I bet your the type of girl who's very independent in her own way.

I bet you live your life day to day and you're making it well.

 

I'm sure you also know that life goes on and that no matter what you will survive. I bet you ARE strong inside. Maybe you built walls in the past and let them drop for this guy, only to find that you don't know how to build those walls anymore.

 

Maybe its not that you don't know how, but you don't want to. Living closed off from people can get awfully lonely so you like them down for yourself.

 

Maybe I'm just crazy? haha.

 

I think most of us are getting on with our lives and have a lot of strength in us and hope for the future, our own future...

but strangely enough we have this little thing in us that clings on to little things.

We can only hope that that little thing will in fact fade.

In the end we are our consciousness... and that's tough to ignore. You really shouldn't ignore it.

 

I don't know, its a lot of self-discovery and its really a pain to deal with.

Reality is a tough place to live... It feels like so much less than we want sometimes.

 

Wow, I'm ranting. sorry.

 

It's okay. Haha. I did build walls in the past but I don't remember how to build them again. I've quite literally forgotten. I need those walls which won't make me lonely but which will separate and disconnect me from this particular individual. I need that if he contacts me, I don't care and I talk with him like with any other friend - those kinds of walls. I have found myself wrapped in getting hurt over and over because I do care and I found myself not being able to stop caring.

 

Yes you are STRONG ENOUGH, but you do not have to prove to anyone, including yourself how strong you are buy doing something that hurts you. Just because your strong enough to whack your head against the wall it doesn't make it smart to do it.

 

That is why statements like

 

 

Shows your strong and smart enough to do the right thing for Leap.

 

You're right. I know I am strong, independent, and able to walk away. I'm afraid though that by walking away, I will quite literally walk away forever and never turn back. That's the last thing I wanted to do with this individual - to completely and utterly shut those doors forever. However, he's not giving me any other options really. I fear that I will regret shutting those doors. That's my major issue here.

 

And yes, I have whacked my head numerous times already.... and each time I whack it, it hurts more. It's like being in a maze and not being able to find an answer to the questions or a way to outside. Being stuck in countless thoughts and emotional triangles makes me terrified for my own good. I've been here before. It's all too familiar. But how I got out of it - well, only God would know.

[GrayClouds]

You do not need wall any more, you learned your strong enough to live well with out them. You no longer need to bilndly move forward, you can stop and look around, have some doubt and now you will be fine. It is a new muscle, it is a bit weak and will tired easily but your doing just well.

 

Leap your simply backsliding a bit and that is understandable. You are ready to take the next step forward so it mean you have to grieve some more. Lucky you! No big deal, you have done numbers of time a each time you come out even a more amazing person then before.

[Meaplus3]

You're right. I should stick with no contact. I tried sticking with it before and I was doing great - I mean, as great as I could be doing. I guess in a way I hoped I was strong enough to maintain some sort of contact with him, but I've overestimated myself. I'm not yet ready to do this.

 

 

 

The longer you put it off the harder it will be. Please trust me on this. If you keep exchanging messages.. and keep a check on him via FB.. then your just going to prolong the hurt. You need to want it.. and put that want into action by going complete NC with this guy. The sooner the better. You can do it.. I know you can.

 

Mea:)

[leap83]

You do not need wall any more, you learned your strong enough to live well with out them. You no longer need to bilndly move forward, you can stop and look around, have some doubt and now you will be fine. It is a new muscle, it is a bit weak and will tired easily but your doing just well.

 

Leap your simply backsliding a bit and that is understandable. You are ready to take the next step forward so it mean you have to grieve some more. Lucky you! No big deal, you have done numbers of time a each time you come out even a more amazing person then before.

 

Is it understandable? I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that I actually cannot fall asleep. I appreciate the fact that you believe in me Clouds. You actually made me tear up a bit. However, I feel like this year, looking at it as a whole, I have let myself down. I'm sincerely disappointed in some of my actions, behaviour and the fact that I'm still stuck in one place. I'm not pitying myself. I'm just terribly disappointed.

 

I think what bugs me the most is that right now I have no clue what is going to happen in the future. It's scary.

 

 

The longer you put it off the harder it will be. Please trust me on this. If you keep exchanging messages.. and keep a check on him via FB.. then your just going to prolong the hurt. You need to want it.. and put that want into action by going complete NC with this guy. The sooner the better. You can do it.. I know you can.

 

Mea:)

 

I haven't checked his profile once on Fb for the past 1.5 months. The reason why I mentioned Fb was - when you log in, on the right hand side, sometimes they have "Name of the person: Share your news with them." and their picture. So, every time I would log on to check my Inbox, on the right hand side, I would see his picture and that message. I don't do what I believe I would feel uncomfortable with if someone was doing it to me. So, I chose not to look at his profile... and I don't.

 

As for e-mails... well, that is my fault. He wished me Merry Christmas and I wished him Merry Christmas as well. It would be rude not to say it back. And I'm not a rude person.

 

In a way I just feel like blocking email, deleting number, blocking Fb but my gut is telling me that I would regret this and it would just be lowering myself down and showing him how much I'm actually hurting - I don't want him to see this. I want him to *think* that I don't care.

 

NC is the way to go. Hopefully it works out. It sucks to still have lingering feelings for someone you know is not going to be a part of your life ever again.

[Meaplus3]

 

 

In a way I just feel like blocking email, deleting number, blocking Fb but my gut is telling me that I would regret this and it would just be lowering myself down and showing him how much I'm actually hurting - I don't want him to see this. I want him to *think* that I don't care.

 

 

No. IMO, it would show him your a strong person and you are capable of letting go.

 

 

 

 

 

NC is the way to go. Hopefully it works out. It sucks to still have lingering feelings for someone you know is not going to be a part of your life ever again

 

I agree. But, that is all part of the healing process. I have been there. I was in a very heated ea as a MW with a MM who lived nextdoor. I saw the guy everyday.. and it was just about next to impossible to get him off my mind and go NC. But.. I did it. And did I want to let go 100% at first.. NO. However, I thought of the possible outcomes.. and they were all negative. So, in a way that gave me the inner strength that was needed to stand firm.. and say good by for good. It's been over two years and he stll lives nextdoor. Now a days.. he does not even cross my mind. You can do this!

 

Mea:)

[GrayClouds]

Is it understandable? I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that I actually cannot fall asleep. I appreciate the fact that you believe in me Clouds. You actually made me tear up a bit. However, I feel like this year, looking at it as a whole, I have let myself down. I'm sincerely disappointed in some of my actions, behaviour and the fact that I'm still stuck in one place. I'm not pitying myself. I'm just terribly disappointed.

 

I think what bugs me the most is that right now I have no clue what is going to happen in the future. It's scary.

 

Believe in you? Hell I do not even know who you are. All I know is what I have seen. Maybe some of your action have disappointed yourself but there has been others that had to thrill you. They have trilled me and others here watching you achieve them. Read some of you old post, watch carefully the transformation that you have CHOSE to make.

 

And now your scared, which is completely understandable. You were an "A" student in biology. You got so good at it when it came to tests you did it without really thinking. Now you in chemistry and it is not coming as easy. You are having to work at it, wishing you could go back and just do biology. But you will learn it just as well, and know deep down inside that you need both biology and chemistry in your life. Biology is your old way of thinking, and at times you will need that skill. Chemistry is the new way of looking at things and at times you will need to use that tool. But now you have two tools and it makes things a bit confusing at times.

 

It is time to stop judging your "progression" by you old standard where you equated progress with success. You have gone having a list where you crossed of one item after another and told yourself you were making progress, while never really asking yourself if an item was right for you or not. It was on the list so it had to cross it off.

 

To say that you are stuck is to say that a caterpillar is stuck as it metamorphoses into a Butterfly. Technologically trues but no where close to being spiritually true. But you have grown, grown beyond a simple mindset. You are developing the ability to analyze and evaluate what you put on the list. Insuring that you have a list of quality rather then simply quantity. Progress is quantity, success in quality. Quantity is easy, quality is richer.

 

Life is big and complicated, and over the last few month you have truly discovered this. Rather then just closing your eyes and running back to a falsehood you have had the courage to stay with it and the courage to deal with it. Be proud, this has guaranteed an easier life but it does guaranteed a richer life for you. And deep down inside, I would bet that is what you have always wanted.

 

Yes the you do not know the future and that is scary or exciting...your choice. But if you knew it why live it?

 

And this is what I have seen and if you look again you will too.

[leap83]

No. IMO, it would show him your a strong person and you are capable of letting go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree. But, that is all part of the healing process. I have been there. I was in a very heated ea as a MW with a MM who lived nextdoor. I saw the guy everyday.. and it was just about next to impossible to get him off my mind and go NC. But.. I did it. And did I want to let go 100% at first.. NO. However, I thought of the possible outcomes.. and they were all negative. So, in a way that gave me the inner strength that was needed to stand firm.. and say good by for good. It's been over two years and he stll lives nextdoor. Now a days.. he does not even cross my mind. You can do this!

 

Mea:)

 

I'm glad to hear it worked out for you Mea. I didn't unfriend him from Fb, but I hid his profile so I can't see any updates, pics, etc. And I don't ever check unless it pop up in my news feed which it won't right now. As for e-mail, well, he can e-mail all he won't. I'm smarter now. I know what needs to be done if that ever happens. I'm NC. I'm moving on (emotionally as well). We'll see how it works out.

 

 

Believe in you? Hell I do not even know who you are. All I know is what I have seen. Maybe some of your action have disappointed yourself but there has been others that had to thrill you. They have trilled me and others here watching you achieve them. Read some of you old post, watch carefully the transformation that you have CHOSE to make.

 

And now your scared, which is completely understandable. You were an "A" student in biology. You got so good at it when it came to tests you did it without really thinking. Now you in chemistry and it is not coming as easy. You are having to work at it, wishing you could go back and just do biology. But you will learn it just as well, and know deep down inside that you need both biology and chemistry in your life. Biology is your old way of thinking, and at times you will need that skill. Chemistry is the new way of looking at things and at times you will need to use that tool. But now you have two tools and it makes things a bit confusing at times.

 

It is time to stop judging your "progression" by you old standard where you equated progress with success. You have gone having a list where you crossed of one item after another and told yourself you were making progress, while never really asking yourself if an item was right for you or not. It was on the list so it had to cross it off.

 

To say that you are stuck is to say that a caterpillar is stuck as it metamorphoses into a Butterfly. Technologically trues but no where close to being spiritually true. But you have grown, grown beyond a simple mindset. You are developing the ability to analyze and evaluate what you put on the list. Insuring that you have a list of quality rather then simply quantity. Progress is quantity, success in quality. Quantity is easy, quality is richer.

 

Life is big and complicated, and over the last few month you have truly discovered this. Rather then just closing your eyes and running back to a falsehood you have had the courage to stay with it and the courage to deal with it. Be proud, this has guaranteed an easier life but it does guaranteed a richer life for you. And deep down inside, I would bet that is what you have always wanted.

 

Yes the you do not know the future and that is scary or exciting...your choice. But if you knew it why live it?

 

And this is what I have seen and if you look again you will too.

 

Thanks for that Gray. I really appreciate it. Quality outweighs quantity. I found myself moving on the other day. I felt myself move up to the next level - emotionally.

 

It will all work itself out. I'm going to stop this thought process and let it happen. If he was ever meant to be in my life, he will re-appear. If not, well, I have so many people in my life... I don't think I'll miss him that much (as harsh as that may sound).

 

In one of the books I have read over the past couple of days, it says "If you keep your heart open, love will find a way to get in." And it is true. So, no more building walls. I don't want them. I am strong but I'm also vulnerable. I'm human.

[GrayClouds]

I am strong but I'm also vulnerable.

 

That is so sexy

 

 

 

I'm human.

 

Congratulation so many people are not!

[leap83]

That is so sexy

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulation so many people are not!

 

Thank you.

[lostgetfound]

ha ha ha ha ha