travelbug Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hello all! So long story short...I dated my ex for 9 years, he started seeing someone else recently (okay, September, but it feels recent), he broke it off, and since then we have been trying to stay friends, although we have not seen each other in person in about 3 months. He's been wanting to get together to hang out and "catch up" and has sent me a couple text/email messages in the last few months saying he misses me and aspects of our relationship and doesn't want to lose me from his life. However, I'm pretty sure he's still seeing this other gal and he's saying he only wants friendship with me right now. He's sending me a lot of mixed signals :o/ He seems to be saying that he still has feelings for me, but is dating someone else right now. Anyway, the break up was not my decision and I'm completely, hopelessly, wanting to get back together. My question is...should I try to be friends with him or cut all ties? I realize every situation is different, but any thoughts? Do I have a better shot of reconciling with him by trying to be just his friend while he's seeing someone or by disappearing indefinitely right now? Thanks everyone!!
leap83 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 If you asked me this earlier, I would have said "Do what it feels right." However, being there and trying to be friends with my ex, I say go complete NC. It NEVER works out. It will also NOT work out since you have feelings for him and hoping to get back together. Trust me on this one. I just went through it and you don't want to feel the pain over and over and over again. Cut the ties. Move on with your life. If he really wants you back, he knows where to find you. Hello all! So long story short...I dated my ex for 9 years, he started seeing someone else recently (okay, September, but it feels recent), he broke it off, and since then we have been trying to stay friends, although we have not seen each other in person in about 3 months. He's been wanting to get together to hang out and "catch up" and has sent me a couple text/email messages in the last few months saying he misses me and aspects of our relationship and doesn't want to lose me from his life. However, I'm pretty sure he's still seeing this other gal and he's saying he only wants friendship with me right now. He's sending me a lot of mixed signals :o/ He seems to be saying that he still has feelings for me, but is dating someone else right now. Anyway, the break up was not my decision and I'm completely, hopelessly, wanting to get back together. My question is...should I try to be friends with him or cut all ties? I realize every situation is different, but any thoughts? Do I have a better shot of reconciling with him by trying to be just his friend while he's seeing someone or by disappearing indefinitely right now? Thanks everyone!!
kickintheaz Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I did it too, for 7 months.. I turned from the dumper in march to going through the worst heartache in the last 2 months because I reached out to her as a friend which allowed her fall out of love with me and reject ME!... Get your distance, get your perspective, if he wants to be with you he will find you... Don't be happy to sit back and watch him 'move on'... it'll only makes things worse in the long run. And yes, it is gonna be SOOO Hard to cut contact now, especially at this time of year, but hey, its also a good time.. maybe he'll cop on when he realises what xmas SHOULD be like.. and if he comes back then you will have had some distance and you will be able to objectively look at the situation rather than through teary eyes... believe me you'll be glad in 6 months that you did cut ties now instead of dragging it out on yourself and being in a worse position down the line... Very Glad.... and remember this community is here when you feel like contacting him or when things get too bad.. another thing I learned and value...
Author travelbug Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Thank you both! It seems to be the consensus that I should not contact him anymore. My next question is this...should I write him a letter or something to TELL him I'm cutting all ties, or simply ignore any attempts he makes to reach me and let him figure that out?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I have friends who have stayed best friends, it may be rare, but it is possible in some cases.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Also, I am friends with my ex and I do have a little hope we may be able to reconcile at some point, for me NC would not work because spending time with him is the only way I know if there's any way forward for us, he left out of neglect the last 2 years, so for me to cut all ties would not help in this situation. Even if we don't reconcile and he or I meet someone else I am not going to regret giving it a go to see if it were possible to reconcile or stay best friends, if I didn't try that wouldn't feel right. Hello all! So long story short...I dated my ex for 9 years, he started seeing someone else recently (okay, September, but it feels recent), he broke it off, and since then we have been trying to stay friends, although we have not seen each other in person in about 3 months. He's been wanting to get together to hang out and "catch up" and has sent me a couple text/email messages in the last few months saying he misses me and aspects of our relationship and doesn't want to lose me from his life. However, I'm pretty sure he's still seeing this other gal and he's saying he only wants friendship with me right now. He's sending me a lot of mixed signals :o/ He seems to be saying that he still has feelings for me, but is dating someone else right now. Anyway, the break up was not my decision and I'm completely, hopelessly, wanting to get back together. My question is...should I try to be friends with him or cut all ties? I realize every situation is different, but any thoughts? Do I have a better shot of reconciling with him by trying to be just his friend while he's seeing someone or by disappearing indefinitely right now? Thanks everyone!!
sheithappens Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I am going to get killed for this but if you want him back get him back.... do you honestly think that the few months with this person can actually stand up to the years you guys were together?!, obviously he still wants you in his life, but you have to be hot then cold with the dude.... he might just be on rebound , you never know, good luck fellow heart broken soul
SaraSmile Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) Thank you both! It seems to be the consensus that I should not contact him anymore. My next question is this...should I write him a letter or something to TELL him I'm cutting all ties, or simply ignore any attempts he makes to reach me and let him figure that out? This is my question, too... Is it better to disappear, or make a formal announcement that one has decided to go NC? I think it's more polite and kinder to the person who is going to experience NC that they be told, but I think it is a very hard thing to do. It is the act of shutting that door. It hurts to make the contact, say the words, and then shut the door. So much easier just to disappear.... On the other hand, perhaps the dumper, who is the one presumably about to experience NC implemented by the dumpee, needs to hear the clanging sound of that door shutting, so at least they know there's a problem. It might spur a few of the ones who soon start to doubt their decision to dump to start doubting sooner rather than later, when it may be too late. Any thoughts from those more experienced in this? By the way, travelbug, I think you should probably go NC on him. I think he is wanting to stay friends with you for two reasons: to alleviate his guilt over rejecting / breaking with you, and to lessen his sense of loss of you in his life. Why make it so easy for him? He is not treating you the way you deserve, and he does not value you enough to have the privilege of you in his life. I think in your case, you could tell him your reasons, that you want to move on since he has apparently not been able to make a decision despite having known you quite well enough to do so. If his evaluation of the situation changes, he knows how to contact you. You need to be treated with respect, and you don't get it by being a friend-turned-doormat. I know it's hard to do, but NC is for healing you, making yourself a better, happier person, and letting the ex experience life without you in it, so they get to feel your absence and any guilt they have coming to them. You could tell him you are not 'ready' to be friends at this time, that it's painful and you would rather move on with life, not waste time on a relationship that causes you confusion and pain instead of joy, growth, and enthusiasm for a life shared with a beloved partner. You are probably much more mature than he is, and perhaps he needs a wake up call... I am in a similar, but somewhat different, situation, but if my ex were like yours, with a new girl rather than his ex wife (apart for twelve years) with whom he has children, I would definitely go NC. I do agree with HorH that a relationship with the kind of longevity you and your ex have shared, and my ex and his ex have shared, is significant, and a new relationship of several months or even a year LDR just cannot compare in terms of potential of happiness over those shared memories, life milestones, etc. So you could tell him why you need to look out for yourself since he seems to be confused about what it is he hopes for in life. Life is short and you don't want to waste it in agony with someone who is indecisive or unsure about love, commitment, and family, if that is what you want. Nine years is a long time. I hope it works out for you. Edited December 19, 2009 by SaraSmile post script re longevity
scenester Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 If you still have feelings for that particular person, it just won't be possible to stay friends at that time, it'll hurt too much. Once you overcome those feeling, sure why not, but until then don't put yourself in a bad position!
nekoxchaos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I'm in a similar situation... Not sure to remain friends, I dont know if theres another girl and theres no way in hell am I going to look at his facebook, its like opening a can of worms. When I ask he would deny being interested in another girl so really I don't know whats going on. So being friends with him hurts since yes sometimes we would fall into conversations where we share all these memories and little references, which gets me super happy and hopeful but then that comes crashing down later when he gets distant or puts up a wall. I want to dissapear also, I just stuck around because I would fear I'd lose him but it didn't help when more and more it feels like the tie is getting severed. Last time I let him know I would be taking some time for myself he told me he'd miss me etc etc so after a day I got suckered in and talked to him. So now I don't know if I should mention anything or just nc cold turkey, this would be hard since I'll be trying to quit smoking cold turkey as well @_@.
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