Boundary Problem Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 i agree. most women are physically & emotionally attracted to jerks and a-holes. the quickest way to turn off a woman is to come across as a "sweet, caring guy" as a matter of fact, if a guy wants to dump his gf, all he has to do is start being "nice" to her. she will quickly get bored with the situation and quite likely end up dumping him first As a woman, if she is bored then it probably has nothing to do with whether or not he is 'nice' or not. One of the nicest guys I know is shockingly complex. So go figure. In fact I dumped someone in the past week and it was because he was an a-hole. All about him, all the time. He wouldn't even focus on something his kid needed. I couldn't deal with it anymore. Us women aren't attracted to men who treat others poorly.
meerkat stew Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Women having been asking men to dance for decades now. Have you ever been to clubs? What is so odd about women asking men to dance or even asking them to go out to dinner? You know I don't understand you men. I have heard men whine about how they are afraid of being rejected and then when a woman steps up and takes the first step you act as if it is unappealing. Why is this a problem for you? Let's try this a different way since the other way didn't work. 1. What percentage of dates in modern U.S. culture do you believe are initiated (whoever does the asking out is the initiator) by women? By men? 2. What percentage of couples dances in modern U.S. culture do you believe are initiated by women? By men?
Miko Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Girl 2: Columbian girl, went out 3 times, ended up having sex.Ignored all of her calls, messages, and texts for almost 2 months in which she expressed more and more feelings in each one. .. I called back once telling her I was busy, and in her next message she asked if I want to live together.. Friggin Hilarious!!! Hahahahahhahaha. Live together!!!???? Bwahahahahaha
v g Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 i agree. most women are physically & emotionally attracted to jerks and a-holes. the quickest way to turn off a woman is to come across as a "sweet, caring guy" as a matter of fact, if a guy wants to dump his gf, all he has to do is start being "nice" to her. she will quickly get bored with the situation and quite likely end up dumping him first Have you ever asked any woman that didn't want to date you what her actual reasons were? Asking her to be honest, that you are trying to learn and grow and would appreciate knowing her experience? Just a thought. I went out with someone who was caring and kind and nice attractive and had a great body. He asked me why I didn't want to continue dating him, that he got the same reaction from most women. I told him that he came off as a negative person, just a downer in his outlook on life. He was dumbfounded. Didn't occur to him. Had nothing with his being a nice guy. I look at self-proclaimed nice guys as playing the nice guy card just like some might play the race card or the gender card or the age card or whatever other cards are out there for the picking. IMO.
meerkat stew Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Obviously, as Meerkat would say, your friend exhibits "outlier" behavior, but you cannot seem to grasp that concept.. I've never bought into the "women think emotionally, men think rationally" line, as it seems demeaning and insulting to women, as such a supposition suggests that women don't have a solid grasp on reality; and have always preferred to think instead that they know exactly what they are doing, and are just ignoring basic concepts or playing dumb when it suits them. So help me, though, the more time I spend here, and in other venues where women and men are supposedly "discussing" things, I wonder if I am giving them too much credit.
skydiveaddict Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 As a woman, if she is bored then it probably has nothing to do with whether or not he is 'nice' or not. One of the nicest guys I know is shockingly complex. So go figure. In fact I dumped someone in the past week and it was because he was an a-hole. All about him, all the time. He wouldn't even focus on something his kid needed. I couldn't deal with it anymore. Us women aren't attracted to men who treat others poorly. you are the rare exception to the rule
meerkat stew Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Have you ever asked any woman that didn't want to date you what her actual reasons were? Yes, I have done this twice in the last 3.5 years. Here is what they said: 1. "You drank too much during our date." (the date lasted 4 hours, I had two glasses of wine at dinner, and had two amstel lights afterwards at a bar). She had had three drinks to my four. Is it possible I was acting rude or drunk during the date? No, absolutely not, so will just save you ladies the rationalizing and blame shifting preemptively. 2. "You remind me very much of a guy I used to date, he didn't marry me, so I doubt you will either." Hey with answers like those from the terrifically thoughtful, grounded ladies out there in the world, I'll be sure to ask that question ever again in my life Not trying to prove or disprove any of the above, just wanted to offer an alternate perception.
v g Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Yes, I have done this twice in the last 3.5 years. Here is what they said: 1. "You drank too much during our date." (the date lasted 4 hours, I had two glasses of wine at dinner, and had two amstel lights afterwards at a bar). She had had three drinks to my four. Is it possible I was acting rude or drunk during the date? No, absolutely not, so will just save you ladies the rationalizing and blame shifting preemptively. 2. "You remind me very much of a guy I used to date, he didn't marry me, so I doubt you will either." Hey with answers like those from the terrifically thoughtful, grounded ladies out there in the world, I'll be sure to ask that question ever again in my life Not trying to prove or disprove any of the above, just wanted to offer an alternate perception. MS, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you successful in the dating world? I was directing my questions to those that are unsuccessful in the dating world that blame their lack of success on being nice guys. By the way, those two women sounded, um, special.
meerkat stew Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 MS, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you successful in the dating world? I was directing my questions to those that are unsuccessful in the dating world that blame their lack of success on being nice guys. By the way, those two women sounded, um, special. Sorry didnt see the qualifier, no I have no problems getting them in the door or in the bed, most of my failures center on living with them day to day harmoniously in the long term.
v g Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Sorry didnt see the qualifier, no I have no problems getting them in the door or in the bed, most of my failures center on living with them day to day harmoniously in the long term. I'm in the same boat. I'm learning that if it's not fun and easy but rather stressful and contentious, that we're not a good fit and to move on. I know. I know. Easier said than done. The point for me, anyway, is to enjoy the ride and to have minimal regrets.
Author calizaggy Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 From another thread: I have this guy at work, he is smart, charming, everything I ever wanted. He smiles at me, winks at me, flirts with me, he has been given all these signals that he likes me. We have been working together for just over a year.Recently we have had more chance to talk about personal lives. He keeps saying that it was mistake that he got married so early(18), and keeps saying that I should leave my husband and get another guy. But sometimes, he would say it is wrong for married man to show interest to another girl. Sometimes, I find him avoiding me as well. I am just so confused, I really dont know what he wants or if he even likes me. I am in a boring marriage, my husband is a nice guy, but I just find it hard for me to love him, I am only 25, already feel like 40, our life is just too boring, he brigntened my life, this also made me feel guilty, but I just can't stop thinking about him, what do I do?PLEASE HELP ME!!
PJKino Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 From another thread: I have this guy at work, he is smart, charming, everything I ever wanted. He smiles at me, winks at me, flirts with me, he has been given all these signals that he likes me. We have been working together for just over a year.Recently we have had more chance to talk about personal lives. He keeps saying that it was mistake that he got married so early(18), and keeps saying that I should leave my husband and get another guy. But sometimes, he would say it is wrong for married man to show interest to another girl. Sometimes, I find him avoiding me as well. I am just so confused, I really dont know what he wants or if he even likes me. I am in a boring marriage, my husband is a nice guy, but I just find it hard for me to love him, I am only 25, already feel like 40, our life is just too boring, he brigntened my life, this also made me feel guilty, but I just can't stop thinking about him, what do I do?PLEASE HELP ME!! WOmen get bored very easily like children,they seem to think marriage will automatically make their lives exciting when marriage allot of times after the hoenymoon phase becomes reptitive and "boring" its about how much u love that person Chances are if she elaves her hsuband for this guy once shes in a marriage for a few years shell be "bored" of this guy and move on
Author calizaggy Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 WOmen get bored very easily like children,they seem to think marriage will automatically make their lives exciting when marriage allot of times after the hoenymoon phase becomes reptitive and "boring" its about how much u love that person Chances are if she elaves her hsuband for this guy once shes in a marriage for a few years shell be "bored" of this guy and move on Exactly.. I think often times since women have very few hobbies or interests (outside of landing a man), once they eventually do land a man it is anticlimactic..Now the man has to be a 24/7 entertainer of sorts, or they "get bored".
alphamale Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 ..Now the man has to be a 24/7 entertainer of sorts, or they "get bored". not unlike a court jester...if he doesn't perform, off with his head
stillafool Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Let's try this a different way since the other way didn't work. 1. What percentage of dates in modern U.S. culture do you believe are initiated (whoever does the asking out is the initiator) by women? By men? 2. What percentage of couples dances in modern U.S. culture do you believe are initiated by women? By men? I agree that men are the ones who do mostly initiate dates and dances. I have no problem admitting that because it is true. It is also true that women do ask men on dates and will ask them to dance at clubs. I do not know the percentages of these I just know women who do. Haven't you ever been asked to dance at a club?
stillafool Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I swear as women we need to stop replying to these threads. It is obviously a "pity party" going on here and there is not helping you guys. I think women should just stop replying and giving advice and let the "whine fest" go on because I think that is what is going to make most of you feel better.
sonicranger Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Wow, I have to voice my objections to this craziness. I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life and all were "normal" with "normal" women who wanted to be with me and I with them. I'm really sorry but I believe that there is a large percentage of both MEN and WOMEN who have this POORLY constructed perception of dating. I do believe that drama attracts drama and vice versa. Further, I believe that your socioeconomic status has a lot to do with your success or non-success in dating as well. Of course there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, always BUT it is VERY likely you will date and/or marry someone within your same socioeconomic status. Of course you can try and make a conscious decision and date outside of that "circle" but most likely you'll end up with someone middle class, if that's you, if you're lower or upper, etc. Of course, I'm going to get blasted now about my theory and all but I figured I'd throw it out there, since so many people think theres all "crazy women" or "a-hole men" out there.
v g Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Have you ever asked any woman that didn't want to date you what her actual reasons were? Asking her to be honest, that you are trying to learn and grow and would appreciate knowing her experience? Just a thought. I went out with someone who was caring and kind and nice attractive and had a great body. He asked me why I didn't want to continue dating him, that he got the same reaction from most women. I told him that he came off as a negative person, just a downer in his outlook on life. He was dumbfounded. Didn't occur to him. Had nothing with his being a nice guy. I look at self-proclaimed nice guys as playing the nice guy card just like some might play the race card or the gender card or the age card or whatever other cards are out there for the picking. IMO. Self-proclaimed nice guys, have you ever asked any woman that didn't want to date you what her actual reasons were? Asking her to be honest, that you are trying to learn and grow and would appreciate knowing her experience?
sonicranger Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Self-proclaimed nice guys, have you ever asked any woman that didn't want to date you what her actual reasons were? Asking her to be honest, that you are trying to learn and grow and would appreciate knowing her experience? This is very good advice which most men will never ASK for let alone LEARN from. I am a mostly nice guy. However, one of my better attributes is my ability to make fun of myself, take a joke and basically put myself out there. I'm very confident in who I am. I know my limits (mostly). I'm an outgoing person who isn't afraid to talk to women or men. I've learned a lot from my mistakes too. I can be negative and cynical but I'm learning to better channel that into being fun or funny and then sometimes just letting stuff go instead of making a big deal of it. Sadly, I believe that many of my male peers truly do not have at least a basic understanding of women and THAT is why they fail time after time. Being a "nice guy" isn't enough. Oh and being like the guy who started this thread will maybe get you dates with women but it certainly won't find you a woman to spend your life with.
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