2NoAvail Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Hi all. This is my first post and I hope I'm able to get my problem across without it getting all complicated. Anyway, here it goes. I'm a 23y/o so-so attractive female. I usually don't have any problems goin out on date, flirting and having a good time. I do think I have some "daddy issues" because my father wasn't always around alot when I was growing up because of business and even to today it's still the same. I guess that's why my relationships usually don't last more than a few months before I start to withdraw and end them with no warning or anything. My last relationship was the worst and seeing what it did to him and how I had made him feel really hit me hard. I've now started realizing my pattern and am trying to find a way to break it but I don't know what to do. Anyway, I've decided to get back out there and try to date again but for some reason I'm finding it really hard to do since realizin my problem. I've been out a few times but when I'm with my date my confidence just vanishes and I get afraid, nervous, shy, closed up and I think the worst of myself and wonder why I'm even doing this to myself when it's just gonna end up like all my past relationships again. I don't know. Maybe I'm just whining and everybody dates this way but I have no idea. I'm not one to ask for relationship advice or voice my feelings or tell anybody anything... Not even my family. I wanna do all this but I don't know how. Any ideas? Anyone know why I'm getting all this anxiety on these dates? Should I just quit? Did my post even make any sense?
boogieboy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Why did you withdraw from these guys in these last few relationships?
Author 2NoAvail Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Why did you withdraw from these guys in these last few relationships? I don't know, I'd find stupid flaws in them that didn't really matter and I'd just get angry with them for no reason and not want to be around anyone. what was the realization you came to? I sabotage my own relationships =(
bac Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 What do you mean "daddy issues"? Do you want to date a man in 40s who would care for you? If so, you should go for that. There is a lot of fun in that. Anxiety will typically disappear with practice/more experience. Have more first dates and on 20-40 dates you will feel very familiar with the situation.
Author 2NoAvail Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 What do you mean "daddy issues"? Do you want to date a man in 40s who would care for you? If so, you should go for that. There is a lot of fun in that. Anxiety will typically disappear with practice/more experience. Have more first dates and on 20-40 dates you will feel very familiar with the situation. I don't have any problems dating older men; I've done it before. My daddy issues are me not getting to bond too well with my pa during the years that really count. It's more to do with emotional memories. He'd come home for a few weeks, spoil me then leave. I guess it's like I'm used to being so happy and then it going away. Am I makin any sense?
stapelfahrer drew Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I don't have any problems dating older men; I've done it before. My daddy issues are me not getting to bond too well with my pa during the years that really count. It's more to do with emotional memories. He'd come home for a few weeks, spoil me then leave. I guess it's like I'm used to being so happy and then it going away. Am I makin any sense? You are making sense. My mother and I were never close and would say things then do another when I was growing up such as say she was gonna pick me up for the weekend then forget, taking off to Hawaii on a whim for a couple years and other such things. I am afraid that has turned into some issue within me where I have a hard time believing what women say to be true. I really really don't want to be this way however I am trying my hardest to tell myself not to let the failures of one effect the relationships with others. But its tough.
bac Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I don't have any problems dating older men; I've done it before. My daddy issues are me not getting to bond too well with my pa during the years that really count. It's more to do with emotional memories. He'd come home for a few weeks, spoil me then leave. I guess it's like I'm used to being so happy and then it going away. Am I makin any sense? It makes sense. What are your thoughts/feelings while you get nervous during dates? What are you afraid of? What are your thoughts/feelings that make you break up with guys?
Author 2NoAvail Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 It makes sense. What are your thoughts/feelings while you get nervous during dates? What are you afraid of? What are your thoughts/feelings that make you break up with guys? Some thoughts are a) will this work? B) what happens if this goes the same route as past relationships? c) am I good enough? d) how can I change my dating pattern and myself? Then I just start puttin myself down like " what do I have to offer to this relationship if it does continue and am I good enough?" around that point is when I don't wanna try anymore and feel like a total ass and then I just clam up. :| I'm afraid the person I'm with just deciding he can find someone else way better than me. My thoughts/feeling prior to breaking up with guys are that everything is getting a little too comfortable or I'm gettin too used to them being around and that's when I need to get away and start to withdraw. It's so fustrating. That's what it all boils down to, I think.
viz Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I don't have any problems dating older men; I've done it before. My daddy issues are me not getting to bond too well with my pa during the years that really count. It's more to do with emotional memories. He'd come home for a few weeks, spoil me then leave. I guess it's like I'm used to being so happy and then it going away. Am I makin any sense? Totally. If you find anger popping up for any reason just sleep on it before you make a move. Give yourself time to think and even if it's something that seems non-trivial (at the time) that gets you mad, give a brother another chance and see if you are being silly or not. If it he keeps pissing you off yea, bail. Just realize that if the guy is out on a date with you, calling you and wants to see you, you are stellar in his eyes, not just good enough. Most guys don't waste their time with someone that's not good enough. I don't. Even if he ends it that just means he's not feeling it. That doesn't say anything at all about you except you aren't the right girl for one person. If you aren't infatuated and 100% into him a month down the road, maybe he's just not the right guy for you. If you feel like he's just going to leave, let him do the leaving and see what happens. If he's still there he's not going anywhere. It sounds like you have abandonment issues. You need to break that cycle. Start now! Realizing you have this problem puts you in a position to get rid of it. That is huge. A lot of people never figure that out. Good luck!
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