Charlalee Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I am new to the board - I thought writing all of this out and getting some feedback might help me move on from a horrible breakup I'm having now. It's been a little over a month and I still feel lost, confused, disappointed and hurt. I am a lesbian and was with my partner for nearly 10 years. We met online, hit it off and spent our time together buying a home, adopting animals (no kids), fixing our home up, buying a trailer and using it to camp, hanging out with friends and just doing 'normal' life stuff. Then one day she came home from a business trip and wasn't herself. A day later she told me she was unhappy and she enjoyed being away from home more than coming home to it. I had no idea she felt this way. Nobody had any idea - friends, family, even our therapist - they were floored. She moved out that night, is renting a room with a bunch of college kids and seems to be living the life of a single kid with no responsibility. She refused to talk to me, is cold/distant when we run into each other...and this makes it worse because this person she was being - I didn't know who it is! This is not her. And she has no responsibility cause she left it with me. About 2 weeks before she left we took in her cousins cat (they lost their house) so that left us with 4 cats. Not a big deal for US but for ME its just one more mouth to feed. We also have 4 dogs and now I'm left trying to either place them in a good home or work several jobs to keep the house and keep them. Renting out a room is another option, but with all my pets...that's going to be hard. I've already placed one of my dogs (SOB) and I am going to start working on another. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I can't sleep and here it is Christmas and I could care less. I just don't know how someone can be ok one day and then suddenly a stranger a day later. Who does that!?!
JL911 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Its not how they have changed so quickly...Its more of "How can someone be so fake for so long"
HLP234 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 People usually change if they have baggage from something else, it could be fine for a few years but then randomly it hits them and they realize something which makes them change their attitude and the way they think. It happened to my gf and I had to pay for the mistakes others put on her.
Author Charlalee Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 When I met her, her credit was horrid. She spent her paycheck within a day of getting it, regardless of upcoming bills. I spent a long time fixing all that for her, paying off the collection items, preparing a budget and giving her an allowance so she had spending money but wouldn't go nuts. Her credit is now pristine, she could do whatever she wants. She's also learned to curb her "Instant Gratification" urge and to shop around and compare prices. When she left, she said she was tired of me "controling" everything and mentioned our finances. In a way, it makes me laugh. My "controling" our finances fixed her credit with no help from her. The irony is that now that she's gone, if I lose the house, my credit will be the one ruined.
blackbear_703 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Charlalee-- I am so sorry to hear about your break-up! Your situation is fairly similar to my own since my own girlfriend/fiancee of over 3 years broke up with me almost a month ago and over the past few weeks, I've watched her quickly change into a completely different person...a very hateful, shallow, and selfish person who has reverted back to her sorority days of binge drinking, bar-hopping, and sleeping on friends' couches. Then again she wasn't even that bad in her sorority days because I knew her then and that was over 6 years ago! She is now very cold and distant toward me, despite "missing me" just a week ago. I don't know this person anymore and it's heartbreaking to watch the beautiful, amazing woman who was my best friend and love for so long completely vanish. It's hard to understand why people change the way they do. Sometimes they do conceal their true selves...even from themselves. Other times Life changes them into someone else and, like Anakin Skywalker, they end up "going over to the dark side." Also, like HLP said, some people handle emotional baggage, depression, etc. negatively and that changes them. Human nature is a very big mystery. From what you've said about this woman, she's going to be in for some pretty rude awakenings in the world out there, if she hasn't had any already. The world out there is too cruel for an overgrown high school/sorority girl and sooner or later she'll realize what she threw away when she left you.You did all you could to help her out and now it's time to move on and focus that energy on healing yourself. I wish you all the best of luck with your house and animals and I hope you can find a good solution for this situation.
bluestraps Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Theres a possibility she may have been been feeling different and had been changing for a while and was just pretending until she had the courage to tell you how she felt. My ex girlfriend of ten years also just seemed to change all of a suddden but she told me her fellings had changed and it had been that way for a while. Its unfortunate, but one never knows what is really going on in someones mind.
pureinheart Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Its not how they have changed so quickly...Its more of "How can someone be so fake for so long" WOW that is really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pureinheart Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I am so sorry for your pain...I understand...it's like a numb feeling, then you have to function as if nothing happened and it's life as usual...the world just doesn't stop turning and bills still have to be paid...life goes on and there is no "compassion" per sey when creditors do not get their money....broken heart...too bad. I am just coming to terms with the truth concerning my b/f...it is the best thing for me, although it still hurts...at least I am regaining self respect again as he was extremely abusive...that is a good thing....GBU
blackbear_703 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) What gets me is not only how they change, but how we change on account of the relationship. We end up "becoming one" with this other person and our own identities start changing right away. Over the past week or two, I've been getting back to some of my old hobbies, watching movies I haven't watched in a while, making new career plans, etc. and I can't help but notice how I changed on account of the relationship. Over the past year and a half in particular I changed when I started making an all-out effort for our dream and lost track of who I was when we "became one heart and soul." All of these things are important to me and I let them go after I devoted my full attention to the relationship. While I'm still single, I'm going to take this time to reevaluate who I am now and when I'm ready, find that new love who shares all the same values, goals, interests, etc. that I do. And yeah, I'm going to finally get around to buying some Xmas presents myself this weekend. This is something I haven't done either since I was so preoccupied w/ the break-up. It has spoiled both Thanksgiving and the Xmas holiday for me. Edited December 18, 2009 by blackbear_703 deleted redundant words
HLP234 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 That is so true blackbear. I don't know what its like to be normal like I was before. I still need to decide if I want to end it or not because I can't take the "break" thing any longer. Sucks when ending it seems like the only option because the other person became selfish and is stubborn to work with you. It will be a while before i let my guard down again to anyone now.
blackbear_703 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I hear ya there HLP. I listened to my ex bash herself so much over the past month and tell me all the reasons why we couldn't get back together, even though we could've easily worked out everything. I just decided I was through with her period after all the crap I got from her this week. She clearly is only thinking about herself and noone else at this point in time. There isn't any point to stay in contact with her anymore. The hardest part for me has been the life goals bit. I've spent the last 1 1/2 years or so trying to make our dream come true. That is, get married, get a place of our own, etc. Now I'm sitting down trying to think about what I want to do now. Maybe pick up where I left off with my old dreams??? I've had my own business plans in the works and I plan to give those another go. Hopefully they'll work this time around now that marriage isn't a priority anymore.
GrayClouds Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I suspect she is more of the carefree type while you were the structure type while she felt like this is the right thing to do, she never felt 100% right for her. Kind of like a religious gay guy in a straight marriage. What felt stable and productive for you was boring and stagnate for her. She went along with it until, something popped. Hate to say it but likely that something was someone new and she missed the care free excitement. Sorry about your loss.
Zeegagge Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I too am sorry for your loss, I don't really have much advice or insight, but I have a little support. Things will work out for the best for you in the end. Dealing with pain is like taking your emotions to the gym. Yah it hurts but in the end you become an emotionally stronger person. Hang in there!
Knossos Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 What gets me is not only how they change, but how we change on account of the relationship. We end up "becoming one" with this other person and our own identities start changing right away. Ah, so very true. You start putting things on hold, or give them all together, because "the dream" becomes so vital to your everyday happiness. You do things that aren't necessarily practical simply because those actions contribute to the happiness of your dual oneness. Parts of your personality are submerged or abandoned because they can't fit into the new identity you've created as the other person's partner.
blackbear_703 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm so glad now our dream didn't come true because it would've been one colossal nightmare. Not only would I have her "wild child side" to deal with, but her parents as well, who didn't approve of me as a son-in-law. In addition I was having a very hard time finding work in her hometown and could only settle for going to college there. Naturally this didn't settle very well w/ the future in-laws either. It's strange to get back to old hobbies, friends, etc. that I've tucked away for the past year or two now since turning my full attention to her. Kind of like a zombie in a horror movie that turns back into a human after having the spell removed. It's also ironic since some doors have already starting opening in both my professional and love life over the past week or so since I started getting back in touch with these things! As far as unity with my next love goes, I'll know we're truly one heart and soul if we can share the lavatory and kitchen sink together in complete harmony! hahaha:D
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