mages Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Background: I am a 47 year old male and I live with my 49 year old gf. We have lived together for 15+ years. both of us were married before and both divorced. Neither of us wants to get married again. For the past 6-7 years our relationship has been going down hill. I had tried for a number of years to get her to go to counseling but she refused, and about 3 years ago I stopped asking her to go to counseling. Also my gf owns the house we live in and paid about $80K about 16 years ago. I have put over $120K into teh house in additions, new kitchen repairs etc. I pay for 99 percent of the repairs and upgrades. Now to the real problem: 1. About a year ago I caught my gf on the couch fondling another guy. This guy is a long time friend and was visiting for an overnight. 2. I went ballistic when I saw this (maybe I should have just walked out then but I love her) 3. After a few days of me living and sleeping at work we talked and she agreed to go to counseling. We had been going once a month until October but because of work, vacation schedules of the counselor and ourselves it did not work out to get a meeting in during November. 4. Counseling was helping until July and things have just gone down hill again since then. 5. In July my gf started Mountain Biking 4-5 times a week with a guy (Bob) we had met on a week long ski trip last February. And now that biking season is over an we have snow on the ground she has started skiing with him 2-3 nights a week. I really do not think there is any sex or the like going on between them but i could be wrong. Most nights they would go riding she would not return until after 9pm 6. I had a Car Show and trip planned for late October and went on that alone as my gf's work schedule did not allow for time off. 7. When I returned (a day early btw) I was told by my gf that she was going biking with Bob and would not be home until late. This rather annoyed me but ok she is an adult and I can not tell her what to do. 8. From my return in October until about one week ago every time I would try to give her a hug or a kiss she would pull away. I actually gave up trying on thanksgiving day. But in the past week she has come up to me three times and given me a kiss good by as she walks out the door to go skiing with Bob. 9. We are scheduled for a counseling session this afternoon. In the past sessions (August, September, October) I have made it clear that I am not happy about my gf being away so many nights a week and many weekends with just this one guy Bob. But in her favor she does come home every day. 10. I feel like we are just roommates. There is not intimacy which I have also been stating in counseling that needs to be there for me. It seems she does not need the intimacy as she rejects it unless it is on her terms only and that is only three kisses in 60 days and no hugs or any other type of intimacy. She will not even sit on the same couch as me in the house 99% of the time. Her excuse is that it makes dents and wears out the seat cushions. 11. If I was to leave I know that it would take time to get back into a relationship with someone else ( at this p[oint i am not sure i even want to try) and I would not have the intimacy that I am looking for but at least I would know where I stand. As it is now I have no idea what is going on and how to proceed. 12. I really do not feel like being in this relationship any longer as it is not what i am looking for out of a partner. I what a loving relationship not a roommates relationship. My quesitons are: 1. Am I crazy to try and keep a relationship going with her? 2. Am I missing a sign that she does not want to be with me any longer? 3. What else am I missing signals on? 4. As I am very shy are there any suggestions for how to proceed? Any other comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Church Bells Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Red Flags are waving all over your post that your gf is having a sexual relationship with "Bob". Prior inappropriate behavior with overnight guest. Too much recreational time together with "Bob". Unwilling to stop seeing "Bob" even though she knows it hurts you. Her lack of interest in spending time with you. Her refusal to be intimate with you (BECAUSE that would be cheating on "Bob"). Once you wrap your mind around the thought that SHE IS CHEATING ... doesn't that make your conclusions on how to proceed clearer???
giotto Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 other man on the scene, intimacy stops, she doesn't want to be with you... "Bob" comes first... I'm afraid, your GF is one huge red flag...
kevinconner Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 You can't love your way into another person. She loves you, but is not "in love" with you. Why in the world would you sit back and not offer to join her on the rides or on the mountain? Any woman who loves these activities as much as she does, and then finds someone who loves them as much is going to allow herself to be open to letting something else develop. I say this b/c you caught her once before so she has a pattern. The bigger issue here is what do you think she gets out of the relationship with you? What would keep her so glued to the house and with you when you are just roomates?
seibert253 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Ray Charles can see what's going on here. Sorry to say it, but Bob is now #1 with your stbxgf, (at least she should be). If you think they are just going for bike rides or skiing, you're fooling yourself. You really know what's going on, just afaid to admit it. It's OK, we've all been there. She's gotta go, plain and simple. You can do better.
schatzy62 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Thanks to all of you for responding. After writing it all down here I came to the same conclusion you all have. It just hard as I have put so much in to the relationship. You can't love your way into another person. She loves you, but is not "in love" with you. Why in the world would you sit back and not offer to join her on the rides or on the mountain? Any woman who loves these activities as much as she does, and then finds someone who loves them as much is going to allow herself to be open to letting something else develop. Unfortunately i work 11 hour days and by the time I get home, eat and etc it is 8pm and time for me to head to bed so I can have a few minutes to relax and then get up at 4AM. Then onthe weekends it is cut the grass clean, do repairs on the house or cars etc. Really I would love to go but time does not really allow that. I say this b/c you caught her once before so she has a pattern. The bigger issue here is what do you think she gets out of the relationship with you? What would keep her so glued to the house and with you when you are just roomates? She owns the house I have no stake in it except that I was stupid and spent over $120K of my money on additions, upgrades etc. I even brought up the subject of my not being part owner of a house I live in and spent so much money on. This is my mistake for putting so much money into the house without first making sure that I would get something like part ownership for it. She would want to keep me around to do things like cut the grass and repair the house as then she has time to go off and do what ever she wants. stbxgf, I'm old and new to this online short cuts thing. what does this mean? If you think they are just going for bike rides or skiing, you're fooling yourself. You really know what's going on, just afaid to admit it. Again after writing it all down here i am begininig to feel you all are right. It's OK, we've all been there. She's gotta go, plain and simple. You can do better. Unfortunately it is me that will have to go for the reasons stated above. I just need to get up the courage to do it. That may take a while and a lot of pain but again I think you all are correct. Again thanks to all for your responses.
mark982 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 mages, how much more of being beat down do you need? she's boinking bob and you know it. christ won't even sit besides you on the couch! have someone she don't know follow her ( though i think it's a waste of time and money) i think it's time for you to just pack your bags and leave,don't forget to get std test either.
mem11363 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 When a woman is really into you she has sex with you regularly. This is not solely because of what it does for HER - it is also because she knows it bonds you to her. When she is sexually averse to you that is usually a sign she is not into you. If she is avoiding even simple affection - that means the relationship is terminal. The fact she is sort of blatantly romancing/sleeping with another man is kind of sad. Sorry for you that she has fallen totally out of love with you. Have you talked with a lawyer? Seems like you should own half the house at this point. Can you prove you did all those renovations? Talk to a lawyer. Starting over is bad - staring over feeling totally screwed financially is worse. Background: I am a 47 year old male and I live with my 49 year old gf. We have lived together for 15+ years. both of us were married before and both divorced. Neither of us wants to get married again. For the past 6-7 years our relationship has been going down hill. I had tried for a number of years to get her to go to counseling but she refused, and about 3 years ago I stopped asking her to go to counseling. Also my gf owns the house we live in and paid about $80K about 16 years ago. I have put over $120K into teh house in additions, new kitchen repairs etc. I pay for 99 percent of the repairs and upgrades. Now to the real problem: 1. About a year ago I caught my gf on the couch fondling another guy. This guy is a long time friend and was visiting for an overnight. 2. I went ballistic when I saw this (maybe I should have just walked out then but I love her) 3. After a few days of me living and sleeping at work we talked and she agreed to go to counseling. We had been going once a month until October but because of work, vacation schedules of the counselor and ourselves it did not work out to get a meeting in during November. 4. Counseling was helping until July and things have just gone down hill again since then. 5. In July my gf started Mountain Biking 4-5 times a week with a guy (Bob) we had met on a week long ski trip last February. And now that biking season is over an we have snow on the ground she has started skiing with him 2-3 nights a week. I really do not think there is any sex or the like going on between them but i could be wrong. Most nights they would go riding she would not return until after 9pm 6. I had a Car Show and trip planned for late October and went on that alone as my gf's work schedule did not allow for time off. 7. When I returned (a day early btw) I was told by my gf that she was going biking with Bob and would not be home until late. This rather annoyed me but ok she is an adult and I can not tell her what to do. 8. From my return in October until about one week ago every time I would try to give her a hug or a kiss she would pull away. I actually gave up trying on thanksgiving day. But in the past week she has come up to me three times and given me a kiss good by as she walks out the door to go skiing with Bob. 9. We are scheduled for a counseling session this afternoon. In the past sessions (August, September, October) I have made it clear that I am not happy about my gf being away so many nights a week and many weekends with just this one guy Bob. But in her favor she does come home every day. 10. I feel like we are just roommates. There is not intimacy which I have also been stating in counseling that needs to be there for me. It seems she does not need the intimacy as she rejects it unless it is on her terms only and that is only three kisses in 60 days and no hugs or any other type of intimacy. She will not even sit on the same couch as me in the house 99% of the time. Her excuse is that it makes dents and wears out the seat cushions. 11. If I was to leave I know that it would take time to get back into a relationship with someone else ( at this p[oint i am not sure i even want to try) and I would not have the intimacy that I am looking for but at least I would know where I stand. As it is now I have no idea what is going on and how to proceed. 12. I really do not feel like being in this relationship any longer as it is not what i am looking for out of a partner. I what a loving relationship not a roommates relationship. My quesitons are: 1. Am I crazy to try and keep a relationship going with her? 2. Am I missing a sign that she does not want to be with me any longer? 3. What else am I missing signals on? 4. As I am very shy are there any suggestions for how to proceed? Any other comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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