caress-me Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I am 29 years old and I have been unhappily married for 4 years now. My husband will not touch, kiss, caress or cuddle me, talk less of sex; our intimacy is next to nothing. Within the last 4 years I would say total we have probably being intimidate about 18 to 20 times. He could go 6 months without having anything with me, not even a kiss. I have talked to him several times, I even encouraged him to see a doctor; I suggested that we see a counselor which he refused; he has cheated twice in the past and apologized about it and we moved past it. Today is December 17th, 2009 and the last time we made love was about 3 months ago. Over the last couple of months, my wants have grown and I have started to find other men attractive, I thought about leaving my marriage at that point, but I am not in a good position right now (I was just recently laid off) and I have a child with him too, so all this is making me get mixed feelings. I have a classmate in my Grad school that I suddenly started having crush on, we have taken other classes together and I never felt that way about him before now. The sad part is that I think he likes me too, but he is aware that I am married, and so he is not saying anything to me (I can just read through his demeanor and the last time we spoke I told him I have a sister that looks and acts exactly like me and he told me if my sister looked exactly like me and she is single (which she is not) he would love to date her). My feeling is telling me to allow the crush to develop into something blossom, but I am confused. Please advise me.......
TaraMaiden Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 (is this a Santa Elf, or another Troll....?) Simple. File for divorce and child support. Divorce your husband on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, then find a babysitter and go out with friends, and develop new relationships. Sorted. merry Christmas.
Author caress-me Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Thanks TaraMaiden, I always know at the back of my mind that, we are heading towards the divorce lane and I have been thinking about that for a while now; but being jobless and a child to cater for bothers me. He is self employed, so it can make it hard to get a good child support from him (I am sure he would do a good job in keeping the finances away). My child is kind of used to a lifestyle that I don't want to deprive her of; however, I am actively looking for a job and as soon as I land one, I am going to rethink the whole marriage and make my decision. As for my crush I am still confused as hell.
quankanne Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 put the crush to the way back of your mind and focus on the issues at hand – there'll be time enough later to deal with that. meanwhile, time to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband and tell him that the marriage is going sour, and that you are trying everything in your power to help keep it alive. Yet you're not the only one in the relationship; he is equally responsible for keeping it healthy. ideally, this'll light a fire under his *ss, and he will think long and hard about his role in making things work. Realistically, though? If he's already turned down the opportunity to get help for the marriage, and he's of the mindset that affairs are okay, my thought is that he'll stay mired in this hell that he's created and refuse to take action. in which case, by doing everything you possibly can before being forced to take drastic measures, you've got the small comfort of knowing you did your best. And really, that's what it boils down to. as for depriving your child of a certain lifestyle ... well, that's baloney. If she's small, chances are she's not going to be aware of the fact that those "nice things" are no longer being provided; if she's older, she'll adapt. What's paramount is that she has parents who are not so strung out with worry over a bad situation; she will flourish in an environment where you are happy. if your husband is self-employed, and you do split? Make him responsible for being your child's caregiver. He's just as much her parent as you are, so if he's got a freer schedule, his responsibility is for her, not himself.
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 My feeling is telling me to allow the crush to develop into something blossom, Let that happen AFTER you divorce your husband. NOT before. Just because you are unhappy and in the past your H cheated on you twice and you forgave him, doesn't give you the green light to go ahead and cheat on him. Don't sink to that level, two wrongs do not make a right. Also, your crush knows you're married and it seems HE isn't willing to cross that line, as he respects the fact you wear a ring on your finger. Do you feel your marriage is worth saving? If so, then be honest with your H, tell him "We need counselling, we need to reconnect and fix this marriage, otherwise it's heading down the tubes.." And, let him know "how close" you are to allowing another man get close to you. I'm betting if he knew you were considering having an affair, he WOULD react and do something.
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