Well, another husband joining the club....

[Itried]

Well, I have only been married for three years to my wife....last year was horrible. We are separated, she lives in a different part of town and I have no clue where it is. (she left the third week in July, it is now the middle of December.)

 

Anyway, she has seemed to turn around. I read many of the articles and posts on the internet and stopped calling her for one solid week....and guess what, she actually reached out to me. Since then I don't try to contact her as much as I did before and she is calling me more often and actually went on a lunch date, twice.....but brought her kids the first time and just her daughter the second time (my step kids, all older and outof high school).

 

However, I still think she is just trying to keep me on a string long enough to either find someone else. I attribute her increase in communication to a possible failed affair more than a genuine desire to make our marriage work...but I could be wrong and that is why I am here to see what others think, particularly women.

 

I say this as she never wants to talk about "us" she is always too busy or tired....or just wont answer her phone. Also, she keeps saying we need to talk later but later never seems to happen. Now, she has always avoided conflict by using this tactic, even with the kids. She seems to fear any situation where decisions need to be made that might not be easy for someone to accept. So, I do not know if that is the case now but....never wanting to be alone has raised my eyebrow. If I try to talk about feelings or anything outside of normal everyday activities she quickly terminates the conversation, not in a rude way but laughingly ends it. She never has said she loves me in any e-mail or via the phone but she tells me how she had a great time on our two "dates".

 

The last date was just lunch with her and me and our oldest daughter (my step daughter who is 23). My wife said my daughter wanted to go but the feeling I got from my daughter was she was asked to go by her mother....again cause I believe she doesn't want to be alone with me and I believe she does this as she does not want to talk about reconcilliation.

 

I am about to retire from the military and can possibly get a job doing the same thing I do as a civilian which has made me look into buying a house now. She never wants to be involved with any of the house "stuff" and avoids any communication concerning buying a house together....again, i think she does not want to do this as it would interfere with her freedom.

 

She initially recommended marriage counseling when we initially split up (she left) and I did just that....but after the second session by myself the counselor (a woman too) didn't think the marriage was going to work. My wife never saw a therapist....but i continued to see the same one and the therapy turned into a "prepare for divorce" type counseling, which I didn't want to hear or do. However, I think the therapist, as a women, knew the real deal and probably understood my marriage was over but I refused to accept that. Now.....I can accept it but I just want her to admit it and stop holding me hostage.

 

If she sees nothing in our relationship then let me go! She made me promise if I ever feel out of love with her to tell her so she could move on....I expected the same. However, having read so much it appears that is not what a woman would do.

 

Anyway, I guess the question is...do women try to string along their husbands long enough to find someone else? Would she not hold herself to the same promise she made me keep? She has actually given me a kiss (peck) on the lips on our two dates which suprised me but I don't know if that was a ploy to keep me from leaving. I have told her in lengthy e-mails if she feels nothing for me to please let me know so I can continue with my life....not sure if that had/has an impact.

 

Any insights of advice?

 

Oh, I just saw another post that reminded me of something....she doesn't have her engagement ring anymore. She says she just couldn't find it but it has been a while and she still doesn't have it.....

 

I have only seen her three times since our separation and the first time was a surprise visit. She was at her mothers house and I was on my way to work and just stopped by (close to work). I saw her outside and snuck up on her...but she had no reaction...nothing, like I was a stray cat or something. I noticed she wasn't wearing any ring either, marriage or engagement.....it was another painful event.

 

She did wear her marraige ring on our two dates though...I wonder what happened to that engagement ring.....

Edited December 17, 2009 by Itried

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

U know she is string you along and I believe you are now her fall back guy just in case. People here would suggest that you go full NC and move on with your life as you can only control what you can - in this situation you can't control her actions. Try not to fall for her tricks. Go dark on her.

[Itried]

Hmm, that is what my gut has been telling me to do. The five months apart have made me feel less for her and realize I am not dependent on her.

 

But I just can not believe she would have done this.....I know her father ran around on her mother when she was a kid and he even took her or one of her siblings with him to provide a cover when he went to the bar or pay phone to meet his "fling". I figured she would not do the same but guess I was wrong.

 

I will go NC....but do I answer her calls and e-mails? I guess NC means NC......

[FeelingLonely98]

Itried - Sorry you are going through this.

I'm not sure WHY you separated ... you mentioned a fling in your last post but nothing like that in your first post. My gut reaction is that there is someone else. Maybe just an emotional affair so far - but having been on this board for 3 months or so I would be surprised of there isn't someone else.

It seems like she is dangling a carrot in front of you to string you along for some reason. It is time for NC IMO. You have no kids together right? Then this should be easy. I did this and it helped. NOT to win my STBXW back (she had checked out of a good M too long ago) but to help ME. I was able to to detach enough to function again. I filed for D and now have met a wonderful gal. I hope you can work it out with her if that is what you want but keep your hopes for this in check so you won't be hurt anymore in case it doesn't happen.

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

(Where in MIA do you live?)

[mark982]

she's just playing games with your head. she's not worhty of your time. so stop letting her drag you along and go nc. don't answer her calls,texts, etc. act as if you fell off the face of the earth. seeing how you've only been married 3 years, she can't touch your military pension. BUT i'd talk to a lawyer before you bought a house,seeing as you didn't mention anything about a legal seperation,sure hate to see you buy a house and her OWN half of it.

[Fitness Dude]

ITried - your situation and mine are almost identicle in every way. Your interactions with her, the things she says to you about the relationship. Her avoidance of the "important" things, it's crazy.

 

After being on this site for a few weeks, I just can't believe how frequent and how similar these situations can be!

 

I'm really believing that marriage means so little to so many! I just don't understand how someone can be in love enough to get married and then stop feeling that way in just a few years.

 

Maybe we thought about it a lot more than our wives did? Did they hear the "for better or worse" thing? Did they think it was going to be a fairy tale everyday, forever? Love is a decision, just like marriage - it's a decision to find the love for each other when it disappears.

 

The one thing that I have learned is that successful marriages have gone through these EXACT circumstances and survived to be better, and stronger in the end, when both people come to the realization that marriage is hard and takes work - by BOTH people.

 

It just sucks that so many just "check out" when things get tough. I find it soooooo frustrating. Good luck my friend, good luck!

Edited December 17, 2009 by Fitness Dude

[seibert253]

She's done nothing to attempt to repair your marriage. You've done all the work, she refuses. How much longer are you going to do this?

 

IMO yes you are the "fall back on".

 

Time to sh#t or get off the pot as far as she's concerned. If I were you, I'd file for D, and have her served. Her reaction will make it crystal clear on where she stands as far as your marriage is concerned.

 

Make it known to her she has from two options to choose:

1. Move home and do all in her power to fix your marriage

2. Sign the D papers.

 

Nothing else.

[Guitarjeff]

Agree completely. Looks to me like she is doing everything possible to get rid of you short ofr filing. Stop living in limbo my friend, file for divorce and have her served and you'll get your answer fast. You are allowing yourself to be a doormat. Once she knows you have had enough her real motives will come out. Again, file for divorce and have her served. If you don't, it means you don't really want to know the truth because you don't want to face it, and that's why you are letting her dump on you like this. No one wants to be dumped, so turn this around and make it you dumping her. FILE FOR DIVORCE.

 

 

 

 

 

She's done nothing to attempt to repair your marriage. You've done all the work, she refuses. How much longer are you going to do this?

 

IMO yes you are the "fall back on".

 

Time to sh#t or get off the pot as far as she's concerned. If I were you, I'd file for D, and have her served. Her reaction will make it crystal clear on where she stands as far as your marriage is concerned.

 

Make it known to her she has from two options to choose:

1. Move home and do all in her power to fix your marriage

2. Sign the D papers.

 

Nothing else.

[curiou]

Concur with all the posts above!

[Itried]

Fitness Dude- I agree, I made a solemn oath in front of God and country and she did too, but I guess words mean nothing to women, commitment means it is easy to take advantage of others.

 

Women have no sense of honor or commitment or any values we have. I never hear of female knights making vows and dying by them. I have only seen women take, take and take again....only concerned about one thing...themselves.

 

It sickens me to no end....and our society makes it even easier for women to do what they want and take as they please. I know a lot of younger guys who will never get married as they realize how much they have to lose and nothing to gain as women will get bored and look for something else.

 

Anyway, thanks for the azimuth check.

[Gunny376]

Fitness Dude- I agree, I made a solemn oath in front of God and country and she did too, but I guess words mean nothing to women, commitment means it is easy to take advantage of others.

 

Women have no sense of honor or commitment or any values we have. I never hear of female knights making vows and dying by them. I have only seen women take, take and take again....only concerned about one thing...themselves.

 

It sickens me to no end....and our society makes it even easier for women to do what they want and take as they please. I know a lot of younger guys who will never get married as they realize how much they have to lose and nothing to gain as women will get bored and look for something else.

 

Anyway, thanks for the azimuth check.

 

Azimuth check!

 

You've azimuth check.

 

First off make damned sure you comfirt your SGLI to VGLI! You cannot get $200,000 worth of life insrance for less than $20 a month?

 

Sign up for TriCare Prime.,

 

Make sure your DEERS en-rodded

 

Go Tricard Prime and not Extra or Secure.

 

Your not going to find health insurance for less than $20 a month?

[dazzle22]

It is very regrettable that your wife is not taking her vows more seriously. And only after 3 yrs, she is doing this. Something is wrong with HER. She treats you terribly and I would go into major preparation mode for divorce from her. And I would not go easy on her. She is a cold hearted reptile.

 

That being said, I understand that you guys on here are hurt and bitter, but I don't think you can say it is only women who do this. For every post about a man being treated badly there is another by a woman. You should check out some of the threads on IVillage where women agonize about all the internet, and real affairs their husbands have put them through.

 

I have come to believe there are two types of PEOPLE, and they can be of either sex. There are the sincere, kind hearted ones, and they, for some reason often seem to find themselves with a cold hearted cheating partner. THAT part I haven't figured out yet. I have been a doctor for twenty years, and I see the worst of people behind closed doors, and there are men and women that just made me shake my head and wonder, "how on earth can they STAND to be with that man/woman? They must be a saint!" This door swings both ways...

[Gunny376]

Speaking from experience ~ I would be more concerned about planning your post military retirement life than I would about who and where the DW is?

 

The transition can be hard. I've still not figured out how it was so easy going from being a civilian to a Marine, and why its been so hard going from being a Marine to a civilian.

 

Ditto with going from single to being married. And then going from being married to being single.

 

If you've got a job lined up post-retirement I would concentrate on that. I would recommend that you not rely solely upon that. I would also recommend that you look into going from doing the job your doing now in the military to doing the civil service equivalent of such.

 

Also you might want to look into becoming an (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps) JROTC instructor. You get to draw you military retirement, BAQ, BAS, Base Pay + a check as a school teacher (along with a school teacher's retirement)

 

A lot of states will let you "buy into their retirement system as a state employee as a former/retired military member. Here in Alabama if you get a job (any job) as a state employee, and invest an additional $20,000 of your own money into the state employee retirement investment fund, its possible that you can retire from the "State" in as little as five years.

 

As a veteran you automatically get an extra 5 to 10 points added to your civil service exam. (As do surviving spouses of Veterans, POWS, etc) on most State and Federal Civil Service Exams ~ come on you passed the ASVAB didn't you! )

 

As I said in a previous post ~ make damn sure you convert your SGLI to VGLI. I'm not sure as to what the coverage is now, but when I was retired it was $200,000 for $8 a month. You simply cannot find that out here in civilian la~la land.

 

Tricare Prime is the way to go. My monthly premium is around $20 a month. My co-pay for doctor's office visits is $11, Lab work is $11 a month. Outside lab work in addition is $11. With a a maximum cap of $3000 a year. That is to say that if I go to the Dr everyday for a year, and have lab work done in and outside of the Dr's office the max I will have to pay is $3000 a year out of pocket. After that, TriCare covers it 100% (For those that don't understand why its because I'm in a much "insurance pool. Diversified risk. The solution to Health Care reform is simple. Diversife risk to the insurance companies.

 

That is to say divide 300,000,000 people into one and the cost for each becomes ~ .0000001 ~ or something along those lines.