TooShyToSayHi Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) I'm in a pickle once again. After a year of having romantic feelings for my best friend, and he not being interested, I finally had to stop lying to myself that we would ever move beyond friendship. We recently attended a function together and both got to talking to different guys (we're both male and gay, obviously.) The guy I was talking to is someone I never met, but we had a great time and he touched my arm, back and leg several times and asked for my phone number. The guy my friend was talking to is someone we've both known for a while, and I always suspected he liked. I was right. He asked him out, the guy said yes. I was really happy for him, and it gave me a feeling of relief knowing that that was all the confirmation I needed that he would never see me that way. I started to be really grateful for his friendship. He's shared so much of his personal life with me (which he NEVER does!), and we've been really close buddies. He trusts me, is so kind, generous and supportive. I realized what an amazing friend I had. It also helped that someone else (who was really attractive, btw) was interested in me. It softened the blow. However, a few days later I was talking to my friend and mentioned the guy who I thought liked me. He pretty much barked out that it was between that guy and me and he wouldn't get involved, and I he expected me not to get involved in his personal business either. WTF? So...the guy never called me (it's been 4 days.) We'll see each other at a party early next week, so I figured he would have called before that if he was interested. So, I feel rejected, and the feelings of being rejected by my friend have resurfaced. I realized that if he and his guy move forward, I'll be out in the cold. The friendship will never be close again. It's like the guy he likes took away the man I wanted to spend my life with - and our friendship along with it. It's not his fault, he has no idea. I feel like I must be a huge loser being rejected by two guys at the same time (though my friend will have no idea I felt rejected.) I asked him out a year ago, he said no, and as far as he knows I accepted it and moved on. The fact that he doesn't even want us to discuss our dating lives makes it feels like our friendship is about to go out of the window too. This pain in my chest is unbearable. Have I lost a potential date (the guy I met,) the fantasy of a loving relationship with my good friend, and the friendship all in one go? Why would he be so abrupt with me about not asking him about his personal stuff (which I didn't do - I was talking about me) after sharing so much with me? How can a close friendship end so fast, when I didn't do anything? Any advice gladly accepted. I can't just walk away from the friendship, he means to much to me - and I used to think he felt the same. LOL I wonder if I'd feel so bad if the guy I met would have called. Edited December 17, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi
boogieboy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 You wouldnt feel so bad if your guy called. You will continue to torture yourself by staying in close proximity to a guy you still have an infatuation for. Eventually you will not be friends with him because you never had a real friendship. Your run with him will dissolve, might as well get it over with sooner than later. DOnt stay "friends" with him just because you cant handle the void. You already see that someone else CAN be interested in you, you have to get back out there and find another one.
Author TooShyToSayHi Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 But, the other guy doesn't seem to be interested, or he would have called. We're going to be at the same event in a few days, so he would have called before then if he was. If I met someone, I COULD be friends with the guy I have feelings for. Just being cut out of his life for no apparent reason is what is causing so much strife. Thought it's early days, it's been less than a week since this all happened, but I haven't heard from him for several days. He has been such a good friend, he always comes to me when he needs to talk (which he doesn't do with anyone else) and has helped me through some very hard times. He always tells people how special I am and how much I mean to him. I don't know if he's really giving me the heave-ho or if he's nervous about his crush, or if I imagined the whole thing.
boogieboy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Forget about the other guy. If hes interested you'll know it. What Im saying is that you already got the good feeling of someone new being interested in you, even if it was only for a second. Since that guy isnt interested, go work on finding somoene who is. As long as you stay around your friend, you will not LOOK for anyone else, which is what you need for YOU right now. Keep your distance from your friend, and if he wants to hear from you he will call ya. SInce he doesnt want to hear about the guy your seeing, I suspect a lil jealousy.
Author TooShyToSayHi Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) Really, boogieboy? That's interesting. I hadn't thought of that. I figured it was because he was nervous about asking out the guy he likes (he's not a very confidant person in this realm) and didn't want to get all worked up. Why do you think he would be jealous? I asked him out a year ago, he said no, he's never made any attempt to get romantically close to me. In fact, he's openly talked about other guys he's found attractive (and his rather active sex life - he has never really been able to manage a deeper connection.) Not really things you say to someone you're interested in. Could you expand on why you feel he may be jealous? He seemed pretty supportive on the day, and in the past he's said he prays that I'll meet someone who will treat me right. PS: Avoiding my friend altogether is kinda impossible. We see each other twice a week, it's unavoidable without totally cutting myself off from all of my friends. Edited December 17, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi
boogieboy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 PS: Avoiding my friend altogether is kinda impossible. We see each other twice a week, it's unavoidable without totally cutting myself off from all of my friends. If you cant concentrate on dating someone new, you will have cut off these friends until you can handle it. The jealousy thing is common when you like someone and they friendzone you...they see you are desireable by someone else and all of a sudden you look different when someone else wants you. Jealousy.
Agoraphobianebula Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 If you cant concentrate on dating someone new, you will have cut off these friends until you can handle it. The jealousy thing is common when you like someone and they friendzone you...they see you are desireable by someone else and all of a sudden you look different when someone else wants you. Jealousy. But keep in mind that even if your friend is jealous, it doesn't mean he wants you. His "jealousy" is just anger over the fact that someone else now has your attention...the attention that use to belong to him (your friend). It's all about the ego stroke. It's unfortunate, but it happens a lot.
boogieboy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 But keep in mind that even if your friend is jealous, it doesn't mean he wants you. His "jealousy" is just anger over the fact that someone else now has your attention...the attention that use to belong to him (your friend). It's all about the ego stroke. It's unfortunate, but it happens a lot. QFT! Remember this TSTSH (i was thinking this and forgot to type it)
Author TooShyToSayHi Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) Thank you both! A few of my friends have suggested something similar. How does one deal with this? Is this kind of jealousy really strong or just a little twang of "Oh, I'm not the center of their Universe anymore?" Now that I think of it, I was set up on a blind date once, and when I told him about it he got a bit weird. I don't understand why he'd be weird now, unless he sees me as "backup guy" in case this other guy isn't interested in him. The guy who got my number the other night never called me. If my friend asks, I'd like to think he won't jump for joy over the fact that I've been rejected! I've felt slightly jealous when someone who liked me got over it and went out with someone else, even if I wasn't interested. But, I never barked at them or shunned them or anything. Oh well, I'll be seeing my friend, the guy he likes AND the guy I like tomorrow. It's something that I cannot get out of. This is gonna be weird...... Edited December 17, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi
boogieboy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 You can get out of anything you want-no ones holding a gun to your head. Its only weird if YOU let it be weird, Think about it.
Author TooShyToSayHi Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 It's a party in my honor (and a few other people's) so I need to be there, I'm getting an award. Weird can be fun. I can't help thinking my friend said something to the guy and that's why he didn't call. But, that's me being paranoid, I don't think he would do that.
phineas Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 A woman I was friends with. Actually I was friends with her boyfriend & he wound up doing something unethical & illigal & was lucky he didn't go to jail & I just did not want to be friends with him. They broke up & she started calling me. We hung out a few times & I asked her out. She gave me the "just friends" line. Ok. whatever. But she cock-blocked me & got jealous whenever we were at a bar & a woman showed interest in me. I had to cut her loose. She made a horrible wing-man.
Recommended Posts