McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 i beat this horse all the time. i am slowly moving into he acceptance phase. but i cant believe how bad i ****ed this up. im reading a lot of relaionship books, and the things you want to look for in an SO are what she was. independent, responsible, caring, loving, giving, blah, blah, blah... im scared to not find someone that fits with me so well. im also so pissed at myself for the way i acted. the horse is getting it tonight. i bothered her so much. i pushed her away so hard. im dont beat myself up but i feel like once a week i have to remind myslef lest i forget that if i left my phone off i would have her. if i just didnt email her i would have her. if i just listened to her when she said she was being smothered. weird times. scary times. im alone a lot of the day. on the weekends i flirt my ass off. when i drive though, or sleep i think of her next to me. i have imaginary conversations with her as im alone all day. i dream of her. im so lonely. im rarely happy. im off the meds. i want to break NC, and just talk to her. i never had a normal conversation with her since september. they were all me being crazy. im also scared to move. as the time gets closer my fears are increasing. the uncertainty, the nervousness. my bday is next week. im scared to be alone and im scared she wont call. she wont.
LovelyDaze Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 McGrupp, you always break my heart. Don't beat a dead horse. Actually you need to splash your face with the cold ice water of the facts. You say she was loving, caring, independent, etc. What word did you use that was perfect?.....WAS. Your ex, like mine USED to be all of those wonderful things. They are not anymore. Like a gorgeous red apple on a tree...our exes fell down and rotted. Not so pretty and definitely unwanted. I hate to say this but do what I do. Think of the worst. She won't call on your birthday. It hurts like hell to hear but if you pretend she might call or hope or wish for it, you're only setting yourselves up for a let down. I tell myself my goofy ex will be happily married and that's that. It hurts painfully but it makes me have to heal from a very dark place and come up strong like a root. I wish I can take your pain and throw it out of a moving car for you.
JaggedRoad Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 i cant believe how bad i ****ed this up. im reading a lot of relaionship books, and the things you want to look for in an SO are what she was. independent, responsible, caring, loving, giving, blah, blah, blah... You forgot cheating.
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 ya know this whole thing comes down to 1 thing!! horniness!!! i just wanted to bang. i had been on vacation for 2 weeks. i had to work away for the next week. i couldnt see her. i wanted IT so bad. and then when i go up there i get the coold shoulder. my head (not the little guy) goes even more crazy!!. another week of work (this was the summer and i was covering for a lot of people) and i push her away again! go up and see her now she is really cold! now no sex for like a month. she seems cold so of course i think she is cheating or something. i lose it. i start freaking out. we agree to go on a break. 3 days later i freak out and grab my stuff from her apt. then i 3 days after that i ask to see her when i knew she couldnt that weekend. i freak out again. she says its over. i give her a week freak out again!!! then 10 days and go up there. cry in front of her. then 5 days later call her a bitch, a slut and tell her i wasted the last 3 years of my life. and then i got even crazier. and do you see? do you see? she didnt do anything!! her apathy was her saying just chil out !! just chill the **** out and i will come back to you. i love you but please chill out. and then i couldnt and now my # is blocked, she told me i made her fall out of love, and i ssit by myself in the dark and ponder suicide or leaving my life,.....my life i ****ing loved. i used to love being by mself i used to love my car and my job, but she was always there and i knew i would have her on weekends and we would love each other and i got crazy and lost her and it made me even more crazy and know i see a shrink and take drugs and lost 35 lbs and am thinkn if doing something more important. but i ****ed up and will live with this pain forever im almost sure. /rant i lost her in the span of 10 days. sad, really
EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 im scared to not find someone that fits with me so well. Well you won't if you don't allow yourself to. And you most certainly won't if you continue to compare every female you meet to her. I know that's what you're doing, stop it! im also so pissed at myself for the way i acted. Who doesn't get upset about the way they act after a relationship ends? I know I sure as hell did. But I learned from every bad mistake I made. I promised myself that i'm going to change that in my next relationship. What always makes me feel good, is that I know I gave it everything I was capable of giving it at the time. You did too, even through your mistakes. That should bring some comfort. i want to break NC, and just talk to her. i never had a normal conversation with her since september. they were all me being crazy. Do you honestly thing that if you were to break NC and talk to her, that it would be a normal conversation? Ones like you used to have with her? I'm telling you right now that it won't be. It'll be different. Because the relationship (or lack-thereof) has changed. Nothing will be the same anymore. I think it's best for you to try and accept that, as opposed to finding out the hard way. im also scared to move. as the time gets closer my fears are increasing. the uncertainty, the nervousness. Change is scary. It's the same for everyone. When you are about to make a huge life decision, regardless of if it's in your best interest or not, it's nerve-racking. Just stay focused. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you'll doubt yourself from time to time... but if you stick with the game plan, you'll see that you made the right choice. You've had time to think this through, weigh the pros and cons, and you've come to your decision. Don't back down because of the nervousness. Focus. You'll be just fine!
LovelyDaze Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 but i ****ed up and will live with this pain forever im almost sure. /rant i lost her in the span of 10 days. sad, really No, you won't live with the pain forever...we ALL won't.
EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 but i ****ed up and will live with this pain forever im almost sure. Geez, forever is a pretty long time. I mean, if you think about it, you're only what... 25? 26? Imagine when you're 80, you're really still going to be thinking about how you f*cked up when you were in your 20's? Sounds a little unrealistic, don't ya think?
JaggedRoad Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I remember my ex and I promising to be with each other forever. Hey, forever ended over 4 months ago!
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 well, when im 80 ill prolly be lik hugh hefner so...
EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I remember my ex and I promising to be with each other forever. Hey, forever ended over 4 months ago! I remember making that promise with my ex too. And forever also, coincedentally, ended 4 months ago! Maybe there's a new 'forever' and we just happened to miss the memo? People really need to fill me in on this sort of stuff.
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 hey 4 months ago too...whats the time limit when we get off of here? so the new batch can role in. im think january'ish. noone wants to be alone on christmas
EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 hey 4 months ago too...whats the time limit when we get off of here? so the new batch can role in. im think january'ish. noone wants to be alone on christmas I like that time frame. Can we all agree that the new forever starts in January? Good thinking Mc!
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 i could do it. i think i went like 4 or 5 days this past wknd with no ls'ing. just didnt feel like it. today i commented a bunch on others threads. ugh
jerbear Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 i could do it. i think i went like 4 or 5 days this past wknd with no ls'ing. just didnt feel like it. today i commented a bunch on others threads. ugh This is actually normal. I've done something similar when I was in your situation. Many of those posts were very intense and yes I to "f*cked up" years ago.
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 u mean my comments on others threads? yes i have a new. perhaps callous perception of relationships, based on why i think mine failed (being a nice guy)
kyta Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Forever, do we all promise forever? me and her promised forever and a day, it was allways and a day, now its gone, we tx allmost everyday and it kills me inside, she called me the nite b4 and we spoke for 90 mins, or she had a go at me for most of it, said i snooped to much, yeah i did, what did she think i would do when she was txing her ex, she tells me shes just concerned for him as he is now jacking heroin, hes at deaths door, he and everyone blames her for his addiction, he was on it b4 they got together, now they see each other loads, he hates me and doesnt want her to talk to me, but we tx everyday and he doesnt know, just like when i was with her, she use to tx him cos he allways tx her, love forever and a day, ohhh mannnnn, i just want to lay down and sleep and not wake up, i have had enough of it, i know i should go nc, but i cant, we used to b such gd friends b4 we got with each other, why cant i let her go.
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 and its not just the breakup, its the upheavel of my life. its moving out of the city back to my parents. its her staying in the city and probably getting ****ed by some wall sstreet tycoon well im working alone in an office all day and thne sitting at some crappy towny bar, while she probably goes to who knows what cool things. sitting on private jets or whatever. i hate this ****ing life. i hate that i made my life surround hers. i hate my job. i hate my face. everytime i look in the mirror i get depressed. i hate this town, and i hate her for doing this to me.
nobmagnet Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 you sound really really vunerable right now. Forever is a longtime. I wish there was a magic formula so we could get over these relationships as quick as the dumpers seem to. Your future is bright because you are going to get off your f*cking backside and make it happen.........life will not come to you you need to go out and explore the world. If you hate your job and your self consider going to a project in africa for 12 months............trust me it will restore your faith in you, turn your life around by giving your talent love and help to others. As a man you will grow and this pain will be learnt from so you dont make the same mistakes again. It doesnt matter what she is up to...........it matters that you find some excitement and challenge to improve and grow. I get so upset by some of your threads because I feel I cant reach out and give you a hug or a slap round the chops!! i send a hug xxx
sean1970 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 u mean my comments on others threads? yes i have a new. perhaps callous perception of relationships, based on why i think mine failed (being a nice guy) Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?
LovelyDaze Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I remember making that promise with my ex too. And forever also, coincedentally, ended 4 months ago! Maybe there's a new 'forever' and we just happened to miss the memo? People really need to fill me in on this sort of stuff. LOL! Yep, the dumpers version of forever is um....not forever. I am sure they say that to their new bfs/gfs too and they won't make it to the real version of forever...not a chance.
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 you dont call someone you love a slut. im sorry but after i said that it was so over. i lost myself... why would i say that? horrible. that will haunt me for awhile.
nobmagnet Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 you were in a bad place. simple as that. yes it was a horrid thing to say but I cant imagine anyone on here hasnt at some point said something we regretted in our past. This are said when we can see somthing is not going well and we are not in control of it. You felt she was withdrawing........you were scared..............you freaked. Hey honey it happens. i trully dont beleive that was the whole reason she broke. I have been called worse and forgiven. xx
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) yeah i mean that was a month after the breakup, although i feel i couldve got her back b4 i said those things, or at least kept my dignity. she responded with "you said you would give me time to breathe and think" also said in that exchange, "i never loved you", "the last 3 years of my life were a waste" "go **** your coworkers" and "your a ****ing bitch" nice little venting session there Edited December 17, 2009 by McGrupp
Ms. Joolie Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 nice little venting session there Exactly. "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"........! You have this circle of thoughts about your ex running around like a ferris wheel in your head.... with music! Did I read somewhere that you were flirting a lot with other girls? Put your energy with a new girl. Ask her out. Have a good time. Start thinking about a new girl. Not just a new girl, but a nice girl!
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 all ive met is **** ups and fat chicks. ...maybe i need a new scene lol
Recommended Posts