EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 ...he knocked me back down. About a week ago (after the whole 'not calling' incident), I told him exactly what's been on my mind. And I did not feel bad about it at all! It felt GREAT! I felt so empowered! I've finally come to a point in my life where I don't feel bad about telling him how the crappy things he's doing to me makes me feel! I woke up this morning to find a few angry IM's from him. Very angry IM's. About the guy i'm seeing. After an hour of arguing, guess what he does? He calls me! It really took the thought of me with another guy to get him to call me. Anyway, we argued for a little while more. About how I need to stop seeing him because my ex loves me and i'm all he thinks about. After awhile of that nonsense, I finally put my foot down. I told him that after all the crappy things he's done to me, after all the broken promises he's made, and after all the hollow 'I love you's', I have every right to move on. I have every right to be with someone that actually shows me they care about me. He got very silent after I said that, and then he began apologizing. He told me that i'm all he ever thinks and talks about. Everyone knows who I am, and they are constantly asking him about us. (Us, there is no us). He then went on to say, "You know that girl that i've been hanging out with a lot lately? The one that looks just like you? Well the only reason I hang around her is because she reminds me of you. How pathetic is that? That I am surrounding myself with people only because I am reminded of you." I do not feel pity for him, nor will I feel bad. He put himself in this situation. I have given him more than enough chances to prove to me that he cares about me, and all he can ever come up with is 'I talk about you all the time.' I'm sorry, but that just doesn't cut it. Actions speak louder than words, and for the past 6 months all his actions have shown me is the lack of respect he has for me. He told me he wants me to wait for him, and that he has already saved up to get me to move out there with him (he's overseas in the military). Why is it that he always does this when i'm feeling great? I finally have someone else in my life that I can actually see a future with (which I never thought was going to happen) and then he lays all of this on me.
LovelyDaze Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I explained that process to other LS members. Our exes don't want to be with us for the life of them....until they see us truly move on. Happens to me half of the time. I'll say it is about half of my exes that will call, text or come by my home to reconcile just AFTER I got over them! It's like they have some kind of radar that has them stay clear of us until we feel better. It's like, "You're too late, buddy!" It almost seems unfair!
Author EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 I explained that process to other LS members. Our exes don't want to be with us for the life of them....until they see us truly move on. Happens to me half of the time. I'll say it is about half of my exes that will call, text or come by my home to reconcile just AFTER I got over them! It's like they have some kind of radar that has them stay clear of us until we feel better. It's like, "You're too late, buddy!" It almost seems unfair! Well he's always been around. He was telling me to wait for him long before I started seeing this new guy. It's just that now I think he feels as though he needs to hurry up and act before I decide to be with this other guy. Today was the first day that I talked to him on the phone in about 4 months. And it's not because I didn't want to, but because he didn't feel as though it was important (he will deny that until the day he dies though, he'll just make up excuses until he's blue in the face). There are so many things that need to be changed in order for me to even consider being with him again, and I just don't see him being able to put in the effort.
LovelyDaze Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Well he's always been around. He was telling me to wait for him long before I started seeing this new guy. It's just that now I think he feels as though he needs to hurry up and act before I decide to be with this other guy. Today was the first day that I talked to him on the phone in about 4 months. And it's not because I didn't want to, but because he didn't feel as though it was important (he will deny that until the day he dies though, he'll just make up excuses until he's blue in the face). There are so many things that need to be changed in order for me to even consider being with him again, and I just don't see him being able to put in the effort. And that is why you need to have him back off of you so you can wisely assess the situation. Our hearts are so delicate and yet so deceiving. Our minds KNOW what we need to do versus what our hearts want to do. If you feel happier with the new guy, then by all means, cut the ex and continue your future brand new. I just don't want your ex to play that game of if-i-can't-have-you-noone-else-is-going-to. It's nonsensical.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 And that is why you need to have him back off of you so you can wisely assess the situation. Our hearts are so delicate and yet so deceiving. Our minds KNOW what we need to do versus what our hearts want to do. If you feel happier with the new guy, then by all means, cut the ex and continue your future brand new. I just don't want your ex to play that game of if-i-can't-have-you-noone-else-is-going-to. It's nonsensical. You are very correct. I am not making any sudden decisions, i'm even waiting to get into a relationship with this new guy. I want to sit with this for awhile. Thoroughly think it through. The feeling I have with this new guy is different from the feeling I have with my ex. I love my ex. The feeling I have with the guy i'm seeing now, is more of a comfortable one. Not a butterfly-in-my-stomach type. Which i'm beginning to think might make more sense. Last longer. Ugh, who knows. But now I feel as though my ex is, once again, in the back of my mind. Our situation is so complicated. I guess i'm just going to have to see how everything plays out. Take it one day at a time. And definitely try to make more logical decisions than emotional ones. The emotional ones are what always get me in trouble.
Surfer Girl Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 It is all about if I can't have you I want you.... Yet, what happens if you have me.... Will anything change? You have been there done that.... What will he do different now??? to really let you know he is all about actions not words????? HMMMM
Author EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 It is all about if I can't have you I want you.... Yet, what happens if you have me.... Will anything change? You have been there done that.... What will he do different now??? to really let you know he is all about actions not words????? HMMMM Oh I would never be back with him again until he proves to me before hand that he is fully capable of dealing with things differently. I learned my lesson the last time I took him back. No more paying attention to words. Time to pay attention to actions. And this time, i'm going to pay attention to them before I even being thinking about being with him. This isn't going to be a week long thing either. If he decides that he wants to start proving to me that he loves me and cares about me, it'll need to last a few months, long enough for him to work for it. And if he doesn't, then that just shows how much he really does love me. All I can say, is that i'm not holding my breath.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I know what you mean, my ex has been VERY interested to hear about the new friends I've met lately I explained that process to other LS members. Our exes don't want to be with us for the life of them....until they see us truly move on. Happens to me half of the time. I'll say it is about half of my exes that will call, text or come by my home to reconcile just AFTER I got over them! It's like they have some kind of radar that has them stay clear of us until we feel better. It's like, "You're too late, buddy!" It almost seems unfair!
DustySaltus Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Erica, I know what you mean about feeling more comfortable but not having that "butterflies in your stomach feeling" with someone new. I started seeing someone else a few weeks ago that is a real sweetheart but I'm starting to think is not a long term solution. I mean I will always love my ex despite all the crap she put me through. I was never much of a "hand holder" but with my ex, I did all the time without even thinking about it. Then I am walking down the street with this new girl and she goes to hold my hand and I tell her, "I'm not much of a hand holder...sorry". Do I think I can hold someone else's hand again...absolutely but that's reserved for the best of the best so to speak. To me it's all about the butterflies and the long haul. Let me ask you a question. If your ex got discharged (honorably:)) tomorrow and came back to you, would you consider taking him back? If you have to even think about it, you probably aren't ready with the new guy. I forgot, were you guys engaged at one point?
LovelyDaze Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I know what you mean, my ex has been VERY interested to hear about the new friends I've met lately LOL, HeavenOrHell! The ex that was the dumpers seemed to always be concerned about our new life. Strange, huh?
northstar1 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 E. Isn't it clear you guys are toxic for each other? Based on this, it almost appears that you are addicted to the drama of this?? It's all push and pull with this guy, how is that a good thing? Why don't you just take a time out and walk away from contact for a month? How does this serve either of you at any level of healthiness? I know you 'love him', but this endless drama seems just like a bad thing for you. He wants you when he wants you, but doesn't want to give everything you want in a healthy way.
Author EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 To me it's all about the butterflies and the long haul. That's the way it's been with me for my whole life. But now that i'm beginning to re-think all of my past relationships, i've noticed a trend. They all started out with those butterflies, and ended terribly. I think I want to try a different approach this time. It'll take me longer to fall for him, but I think maybe that's a good thing? Let me ask you a question. If your ex got discharged (honorably:)) tomorrow and came back to you, would you consider taking him back? If you have to even think about it, you probably aren't ready with the new guy. I forgot, were you guys engaged at one point? Yes, we were engaged. And if he came back tomorrow, after everything we've been through, I think my stance would be the same. He would have to prove to me that he loves me and cares about me. He would have to prove to me that he is actually willing to put in the time and effort, instead of leaving it all up to me. I can't be the person who has to do all the work anymore. I just can't do it. It's physically and emotionally taxing. I'm striving for the best possible relationship I can get, and if I can't get it with him... then i'm going to have to get it somewhere else. I at least deserve that. E. Isn't it clear you guys are toxic for each other? Based on this, it almost appears that you are addicted to the drama of this?? I am in no way addicted to this. It causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I lost 30 pounds over dealing with this the last time! The only reason I even remotely put up with it is because I love him. And even so, i'm no longer surrounding my life around him. I'm still seeing this other guy, and i'm not going to let my ex decide the outcome of that. It's all push and pull with this guy, how is that a good thing?. It's not. That's why i'm making him prove to me that he cares. On his time. Not mine anymore. Why don't you just take a time out and walk away from contact for a month?. I've done that. Twice. He always comes back crying. How does this serve either of you at any level of healthiness?. It doesn't. But I suppose that when there are problems in any relationship (whether it's platonic or not) it has the potential of reaching unhealthiness. That's when you step back, and take yourself out of the situation. That's what i've done. I am no longer in this situation. He has made a situation for himself, which if he chooses he can get out of, but i'm no longer placing myself in the confused messed he's put himself in. I know you 'love him', but this endless drama seems just like a bad thing for you. He wants you when he wants you, but doesn't want to give everything you want in a healthy way. That's my point exactly! I realize and accept the fact that I love him, but i'm not going to allow him to drag me along anymore. I'm leaving this up to him. If he messes it up, then it's all on his own doing. I'm still out living my life, doing the things that make me happy. I'm not going to postpone my life for him anymore.
northstar1 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I've done that. Twice. He always comes back crying. Then you are obviously responding to him when he does contact you, thus starting up the cycle again Why don't you try ignoring him completely for a good 6 months to a year, heal and live your life?
Author EricaH329 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Then you are obviously responding to him when he does contact you, thus starting up the cycle again Why don't you try ignoring him completely for a good 6 months to a year, heal and live your life? I have no real reason as to why i'm not doing that. I suppose it's because I know that i'm his only comfort zone. I know what he's going through is tearing him apart, and it kills me to see him that way. But... I will no longer let him treat me like crap. After I put my foot down, he begged me to let him prove to me that he is going to do things differently. He's never actually come right out and said that to me before, so i'm allowing him to prove it to me. But, like I said before, it's not going to be on my time. I do love him, and as much as he says he wants to be with me, I really want to believe it. But I don't. And until I do, our relationship will remain the same. And I will go on with my life the way I feel is best.
threebyfate Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Erica, you're half in and half out. No matter what he does, he doesn't stand a chance. And yet, he's on a string, as you are also on a string, so you're not going to move on. Do you see this?
Author EricaH329 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Erica, you're half in and half out. No matter what he does, he doesn't stand a chance. And yet, he's on a string, as you are also on a string, so you're not going to move on. Do you see this? I feel as though i'm on the line between in and out. He is the only one that can determine which side I end up on. He is the only person that can push me in either direction. So I believe it does matter what he does. That's going to tell which side I fall towards.
GrayClouds Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) I suppose it's because I know that i'm his only comfort zone. I know what he's going through is tearing him apart, and it kills me to see him that way. If that is true, that is way to much pressure to put on one person. While very "Romeo and Juliet"s-ish or should I say "Bella Swan and Edward Cullen"-ish for the younger crowd...it sound less like a mutual partner more a parent child relationship. I feel as though i'm on the line between in and out. He is the only one that can determine which side I end up on. He is the only person that can push me in either direction. So I believe it does matter what he does. That's going to tell which side I fall towards. Erica yous way to strong and smart to acquiesce your power like that. You know it is all in your own hands. Edited December 18, 2009 by GrayClouds
threebyfate Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I feel as though i'm on the line between in and out. He is the only one that can determine which side I end up on. He is the only person that can push me in either direction. So I believe it does matter what he does. That's going to tell which side I fall towards.If he stands on his head, while beating a drum and screaming romantic sonatas daily, it won't make a difference. Trust and respect lost, are almost impossible to recover because you will be on guard for every deviance, ever after. One wrong move and he's toast again. And while he's proving himself to you, you CANNOT move on, since you won't let him go. I'm solely looking at this from the perspective of your ability to control yourself. You have choice. Choose wisely since he's following pattern and if you consider his pattern, where did previous cycles of similar behaviour end?
Author EricaH329 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Erica yous way to strong and smart to acquiesce your power like that. You know it is all in your own hands. In the end, it is up to me what I decide to do. I'm allowing him the chance to prove himself, while continuing on with my life. If he stands on his head, while beating a drum and screaming romantic sonatas daily, it won't make a difference. Trust and respect lost, are almost impossible to recover because you will be on guard for every deviance, ever after. One wrong move and he's toast again. And while he's proving himself to you, you CANNOT move on, since you won't let him go. I'm solely looking at this from the perspective of your ability to control yourself. You have choice. Choose wisely since he's following pattern and if you consider his pattern, where did previous cycles of similar behaviour end? I understand your point. And while it's extremely valid, I do believe that people have it in themselves to change. If they want something bad enough. It's all about whether i'm worth it to him or not. To be quite honest, I don't see this going anywhere. While i'm hoping he changes, I don't think he will. That's why i'm not putting my life on hold for him anymore. If he wants to put the effort in, then it will be noticed. However, the effort will have to be something that's long term. When I lived with him, he wasn't this way. He didn't treat me this way. I do know he has it in him to be the wonderful guy I once knew, it's just a matter of whether or not he's content with being a jerk. I'm having a wonderful time. He does not consume my thoughts anymore, and i'm actually seeing a great guy. I do know, though, that if I allow myself to fall back into the emotions that i've felt for him, it'll be very quick and easy. For now, i'm not allowing that to happen. More than likely I won't even have to worry about that again. We'll see I suppose.
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