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Posted

How many of you believe the old saw, "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

 

I don't.

 

I am pretty old, and have a few relationships and one long marriage behind me. Over 30 years ago, I was involved with a chronic "player" who cheated all the time. He was my "first love" and the only man I'd had sex with. In my immaturity, confusion, and anger, I decided to cheat on HIM. Revenge cheating. Well, it was stupid, weak and didn't help me any, but the episode didn't lead to a lifetime of cheating for me.

 

I know a man who is older than I am. He was unhappily, but faithfully married for almost 30 years. I think he was cowardly; ultimately he had a one night stand with an acquaintance and that ended up destroying the already trashed marriage. In any case, he never cheated before or again.

 

Haven't many of us taken a few steps down this messed up road and then made the decision not to go there again?

Posted (edited)
How many of you believe the old saw, "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

 

I don't.

 

I am pretty old, and have a few relationships and one long marriage behind me. Over 30 years ago, I was involved with a chronic "player" who cheated all the time. He was my "first love" and the only man I'd had sex with. In my immaturity, confusion, and anger, I decided to cheat on HIM. Revenge cheating. Well, it was stupid, weak and didn't help me any, but the episode didn't lead to a lifetime of cheating for me.

 

I know a man who is older than I am. He was unhappily, but faithfully married for almost 30 years. I think he was cowardly; ultimately he had a one night stand with an acquaintance and that ended up destroying the already trashed marriage. In any case, he never cheated before or again.

 

Haven't many of us taken a few steps down this messed up road and then made the decision not to go there again?

 

You're completely missing the point of that old saying & the theory behind it, but that's what someone that cheats attempts to do. You try an justify your cheating actions because someone else, 'made' you do it.

 

The point is not to cheat at all, because it solves nothing and you shouldn't have to cheat to figure that out. Also, cheating is not a mistake! A mistake is like placing a fork in a microwave accidentally! Cheating is a desire usually sparked by an act of selfishiness, jealousy, or revenge.

 

Anyway, you haven't cheated (again) yet! However, it may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but when sh*t gets tough once more, guess what you just might do to make yourself feel better?!

Edited by Javelin
  • Author
Posted

Really?

 

How did you read my post as "justifying" my own cheating? I was not; I was explaining the circumstances. I don't believe that cheating is justifiable. I also don't believe that my behavior as a 20 year old necessarily predicted my entire future life. I learned from that experience, and from gaining maturity in general. Now, not only would I not cheat, I would not waste my "love" or a single tear on a chronic womanizer. I was a pathetic young woman! The adage that best pertains to me is this one: "Youth is wasted on the young."

 

I'm over 50, have a grown daughter, have experienced a tremendous amount of love, loss, growth, gratitude, personal accountability, etc.

 

I was once a cheater - and NOT always a cheater. I'm sure there are many others here as well.

Posted

Hmmm...I am of two thoughts on this.

 

I don't believe that everyone physically or emotionally cheats again just because they did it before.

 

But I do believe that cheaters have a certain mindset that they don't really ever shake. They tend to see themselves as victims that never have to take responsibility for what they did. Like the previous poster said, the "its not my fault" mentality doesn't seem to go away with many cheaters - whether it was one time or twenty.

 

Most people that have cheated, have only done so one time - or at least that's what they tell the researchers.

 

My point is that cheating doesn't always have to be an act, it can be a thought, a mindset.

Posted

Just because you cheat once doesn't mean you will cheat again. Whoever believes that is just outright stupid. However, a serial cheater, or player as you said is likely to cheat again. People don't often change.

Posted

Personally i have never had anyone cheat on me, nor have i cheated on anybody, but my take on it anybody who cheats without consequence will keep doing it. For example last year one of my friends cheated on his girlfriend, he felt really guilty and ended up telling her, she broke up with him, and he didn't handle it well. He knew it was his fault and felt absolutely terrible about it, he really liked this girl and he messed everything up. I can say with near certainty that hes not going to cheat on anybody again given what he went through the first time.

 

On the flip side i have another friend who has cheated on several of her boyfriends. A couple of the guys found out and broke up with her, a couple never found out, though she actually told them after they broke up. In all of these situations she didn't particularly care about losing the relationship, nor did she really feel guilty about it (shes a lot more cutthroat than my other friend). Unlike my other friend shes never lost anything, or felt bad about it, so shes not going to stop until one of these things happen.

 

I think that its true that most people only cheat once. Most people either feel really terrible about themselves after, or they end up losing something important to them, so they remember that before they do it again.

Posted

I think the majority of people have it end them to end up in an affair under the right circumstances. I think most people are capable of all kinds of bad behavior. The difference between the person who cheats and the people who don't probably comes down to self-discipline - knowing when to remove yourself from a bad situation before things get out of control. I don't think it has to do with being "bad", because if it did, I don't think cheaters would feel as guilty as they do in a lot of cases. People who cheat aren't horrible people but they don't have discipline and they have a hard time understanding the ramifications of their behavior until someone eventually makes it obvious to them by leaving them or erupting in a fit of rage.

Posted

I believe that once a cheater, not always a cheater....that is....until you're over 70 and poor (for men) and you're fat and/or over 50 (for women).

Posted
Really?

How did you read my post as "justifying" my own cheating? I was not; I was explaining the circumstances.

 

You justified your cheating with revenge, because you wanted to get back at your boyfriend for all the pain that he caused.

 

I don't believe that cheating is justifiable.

 

30 years later you don't, but you did when you were 20; otherwise you wouldn't have went through with it in the first place.

 

I also don't believe that my behavior as a 20 year old necessarily predicted my entire future life. I learned from that experience, and from gaining maturity in general. Now, not only would I not cheat, I would not waste my "love" or a single tear on a chronic womanizer. I was a pathetic young woman! The adage that best pertains to me is this one: "Youth is wasted on the young."

 

I'm over 50, have a grown daughter, have experienced a tremendous amount of love, loss, growth, gratitude, personal accountability, etc.

 

Well done, but like I said - You're still fully capable of cheating again. However, everyone is capable of that feat too. :)

Posted

I've been on all sides of this - the cheated, the cheater, and the tool for somebody to cheat on their SO with. I'm not proud of it - it's what has turned out. I can't go back and change things - the past is the past. I made my choices.

 

That being said...no, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater. My choice to cheat was not an "oops." It's not like I tripped and fell onto another guy naked. I made a conscious, calculated decision to do what I did. I had several reasons for it. And as a result of my choice, I learned a lot. Isn't that what life's about? Making choices and learning from the results (if you're smart)?

 

I feel I learned from my choice and have absolutely no interest in doing it ever again.

 

HOWEVER - I do think there are certain personality types that can predispose somebody to cheat...and KEEP cheating. I was married to one. I don't see myself as the same type of person. I'm at peace with myself and that's all that matters. But I do not think that every single person that has ever cheated WILL cheat again. Some people are smart enough to not continue to make painful choices in life. Just depends on what type of person you are. :)

Posted

I don't agree with that notion. The very term 'serial cheater' implies that other people that have cheated may not again. I think everyone is capable of it, but we all have different thresholds of what would compel us to do it. Some people's threshold is so high they will never run into a situation in their lifetime that would compel them. Some are high, but have actually ran into an extreme situation once, but never will likely again. And then on the other end of the spectrum, some have a very low (or NO) threshhold and only need a significant other, a prospect and opportunity; which they may have regularly (hence, the serial cheater).

Posted
You're completely missing the point of that old saying & the theory behind it, but that's what someone that cheats attempts to do. You try an justify your cheating actions because someone else, 'made' you do it.

 

The point is not to cheat at all, because it solves nothing and you shouldn't have to cheat to figure that out. Also, cheating is not a mistake! A mistake is like placing a fork in a microwave accidentally! Cheating is a desire usually sparked by an act of selfishiness, jealousy, or revenge.

 

Anyway, you haven't cheated (again) yet! However, it may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but when sh*t gets tough once more, guess what you just might do to make yourself feel better?!

 

Huh?? You should re-read her post. I think you missed her point here.

Posted

I have been married to my wife for over 35 years. I have not been "looking" to cheat on her, yet there have been opportunities that have come up that ended up with me doing exactly that. This has gone on for a good part of our marriage. I love my wife dearly but I am so attracted to other females. Every once in a great while, the chemistry is just right and before you know it, things spin widely out of control. Well, actually its in my control, but at the end of the day, I enjoy having sex. I am having an affair even now. It has been so thrilling but deep down inside, I know that I am hurting my dear wife who has no clue. I want to end the affair and really need to but another part of me just loves the thrill of it. So once a cheat, always a cheat?? I think its really an issue of opportunity. Once I retire, I know there will be no cheating since there will be no opportunity. Will I miss cheating?? Not really. While it is thrilling, I know that it is destructive to my relationship with my wife of so many years. So perhaps I might miss the thrill, but if it were to destroy my marriage, I would miss my marriage even more, not to mention the screwed up life I'd have if she ever found out. MrBill

Posted (edited)
Huh?? You should re-read her post. I think you missed her point here.

 

Her point is clear, but I disagree with it. :)

Edited by Javelin
Posted

Agreed with Mr Bill. Once a cheater always a cheater. They don't cheat because they do not have the opportunity.

Posted
How many of you believe the old saw, "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

 

I don't.

 

I am pretty old, and have a few relationships and one long marriage behind me. Over 30 years ago, I was involved with a chronic "player" who cheated all the time. He was my "first love" and the only man I'd had sex with. In my immaturity, confusion, and anger, I decided to cheat on HIM. Revenge cheating. Well, it was stupid, weak and didn't help me any, but the episode didn't lead to a lifetime of cheating for me.

 

I know a man who is older than I am. He was unhappily, but faithfully married for almost 30 years. I think he was cowardly; ultimately he had a one night stand with an acquaintance and that ended up destroying the already trashed marriage. In any case, he never cheated before or again.

 

Haven't many of us taken a few steps down this messed up road and then made the decision not to go there again?

 

Well, there are always exceptions, but just because a stopped clock is right twice a day doesn't mean that I'm going to set my watch by it. In MOST cases, I think the statement applies, and I think that the percentage is high enough to justify making the assumption about people I meet. In other words, anyone I meet who tries to cheat with me is immediately ruled out as a relationship prospect. Sure, I may consider having protected sex with that person if I'm unattached at the time with nothing to lose, but I sure as hell won't be taking anything to the next level.

 

You might have only cheated once, but your 'player' X didn't see it that way, and the other example you give sounds like a guy who only stopped cheating simply because he didn't get any further opportunities. If you disrespect him as "cowardly", it's likely that most of the other women he met felt the same way about him -- even if he did try. After all, if this guy was complaining to the other women about his miserable marriage, he probably turned them off quickly, or maybe he wanted to cheat but wasn't brave enough to try anything.

Posted

I don't believe in once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater in the general sense. Although I do believe once you've cheated on a specific person, the chances of cheating on them again are pretty high. Case in point is my ex boyfriend, I cheated on him multiple times while we were together because he took me back although I really deep down did not want to be his girlfriend. The problem was I craved his friendship and the only way I could get it was by being his girlfriend. So since my romantic bond to him wasn't that great I continued to cheat without remorse. Now with my current boyfriend whom I love all around, there is no way I'd cheat on him. I just don't feel the urge to although I know I could do so and get away with it. But I don't want to cheat on him and so I won't. So yeah I don't believe everyone who cheats on one person is doomed to a life of chronic unfaithfulness in all their relationships.

Posted

A person can make a mistake, Some people just get bored and want a little taste of something different . But some people have a personality defect or some complicated reasons for cheating. Could be emotional problems, intimacy problems. My girlfriend cheated on me 3 times and each time it was a similar situation. She has low self esteem which comes from things in her childhood. She felt I did not pay enough attention to her. There were times she felt lonley and to cope she would seek out other men which would always backfire on her as they would use her and of course I would be there to save her. Hence why we were together so long, 10 years. Looking back I should have known that I could not give her everything she wanted. And that no matter what I did, it was never enough.It depends on the person , It makes sense to really find out what their all about. I personaly would not cheat because I just dont live my life that way.Which would make me once faithfull , always faithfull. Check that out !!

Posted
I don't believe in once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater in the general sense. Although I do believe once you've cheated on a specific person, the chances of cheating on them again are pretty high. Case in point is my ex boyfriend, I cheated on him multiple times while we were together because he took me back although I really deep down did not want to be his girlfriend. The problem was I craved his friendship and the only way I could get it was by being his girlfriend. So since my romantic bond to him wasn't that great I continued to cheat without remorse. Now with my current boyfriend whom I love all around, there is no way I'd cheat on him. I just don't feel the urge to although I know I could do so and get away with it. But I don't want to cheat on him and so I won't. So yeah I don't believe everyone who cheats on one person is doomed to a life of chronic unfaithfulness in all their relationships.

 

aerogurl87 Your post is very interesting to me . My girlfriend also did this too me. for 10 years we went through this. whenever she would cheat i'd take her back.She would complain about me not being romantic enough. I claim I was romantic but its like it was never enough. Would you say your bond romanticaly wasn't strong enough because your boyfriend was not romantic, or because you just didnt feel like you loved him in that way.

Posted

I'm a firm believer that people change and grow. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. We're not androids programmed only to work in one way. In the grand scheme of things, the worst thing about making a mistake is not learning from it.

Posted

Just as I believe just because you cheated in the past does not mean you will cheat in the future, I also believe that just because you have not cheated (and say you never will), does not mean you will not cheat in the future.

 

Life is uncertain and we are constantly changing - "always" and "never" are concepts that we cannot be 100% sure about. We can only try and do the best we can, hopefully not making too many mistakes or hurting too many people on the way.

Posted
How many of you believe the old saw, "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

 

I don't.

 

I am pretty old, and have a few relationships and one long marriage behind me. Over 30 years ago, I was involved with a chronic "player" who cheated all the time. He was my "first love" and the only man I'd had sex with. In my immaturity, confusion, and anger, I decided to cheat on HIM. Revenge cheating. Well, it was stupid, weak and didn't help me any, but the episode didn't lead to a lifetime of cheating for me.

 

I know a man who is older than I am. He was unhappily, but faithfully married for almost 30 years. I think he was cowardly; ultimately he had a one night stand with an acquaintance and that ended up destroying the already trashed marriage. In any case, he never cheated before or again.

 

Haven't many of us taken a few steps down this messed up road and then made the decision not to go there again?

 

I just came across this thread..

 

I will say this: it is much much easier for a woman to 'not cheat' again. For men, it's another story.. although not impossible IMO.

 

As far as this other guy you're talking about.. there is NOOOOO way you can be absolutely 100% certain that he has never cheated again.. impossible.. :o

 

We can only be 1000% about what WE do.. never about what others do..

Posted
How many of you believe the old saw, "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

 

I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is accurate.

 

Is it possible that there are people who only cheat once, regret it and never do it again? Sure.

 

Would I trust a cheater to never cheat again? Absolutely not. In my opinion, trusting someone who has cheated is too high a risk.

 

I think it is like walking through a minefield, hoping to not get killed or at least losing a limb or two. You only walk through a minefield if you have absolutely no alternative. And there is always an alternative to dating a cheater.

Posted

I believe it's true. Even if a person who has cheated claims it not to be true, why chance it?

Posted

Cheating is a selfish act. If the individual is inherently a selfish person, they will cheat again.

 

Of the cheaters on LS and in real life, I've yet to see an unselfish cheater.

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