Advise Mark Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Hoping someone can give me some advise. Been married for 3 years now. Recently my wife and I travelled overseas in an attempt to get things back to the way they were a couple of years ago. The trip was great but we'd only been back a week and she cheated on me with a friend of hers. We're still together but I look at her and have no sexual interest in her at all anymore. Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have advise for me? Cheers. Mark.
scatterd Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I dont know if I have thr best advice but how did you find out and does she regeet it?
Bryanp Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Mark are you saying that after having you returned from a romantic holiday after being married only 3 years she has sex with a friend of hers and put your health at risk for STD's? If this is true then why would you wish to be with her? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you appear to be? It sounds like she sent you a clear message what she thinks of you and your marriage.
Author Advise Mark Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Hi Bryan. She didn't have sex with the guy but kissed him and maybe something more. Sex or not, I can't look at her the same way I used to. To make matters worse she has single friends who can't find the right guy but tell her that she's lucky to have me as they see me as the type of guy they want. So you have these nice girls who are single and deserve a good guy and myself who I consider a good guy who's getting stuffed around. Where's the balance in the world?
Author Advise Mark Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Hi Scatterd, I over heard her telling a friend on the phone. She says she regrets it but that's not helping the way I see her now.
mark982 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 you said "she kissed a guy and maybe more" your gonna have to find out what more is. kissings bad enough.
Bryanp Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Hi Mark, I agree that you better find out exactly what "and more" is. I would ask her what did she think was going to happen when you found out. It does seem that she had no intention of telling you which shows she had no problem doing things behind your back and clearly not telling you. Again I must ask how she would have responded if you told her that you kissed and more with a good female friend? It really sounds like she is into damage control. How come you did not follow up with exactly what is more ? It is almost a truism that a caught cheating spouse will never tell the whole trust originally. What was the point of going away on a romantic vacation and then have her immediately make out and more with a good friend as soon as you get back? I am sorry my friend but you deserve better than this. I wish you luck.
jnj express Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 You said you went away to get things back to the way they were a couple of years back. Are there problems in your mge?????-- As to your wife now----you do need to find out how far her indescretion went. What situation was she in that she would kiss this guy. Were any of your mutual friends there. Why was she out with this guy in the 1st place w/out you along????? She has cheated, the kiss in itself is cheating, at that moment she could have cared less about you, and wanted passion with him. You are now as you say turned off by your wife. What about your wife---is she contrite, remorseful, transparent. Is she trying to save her mge. If you can't come around and get anything resembling positive emotions for your wife-then your mge. has trouble, and may not survive. If you want to R., and the R. will be on your terms with your boundaries, then you have to make some effort, or she will eventually sense this is going nowheres, and she will quit trying. You do not want to get lovey-dovey with your wife at this point anyway, but if you do want to R., she has to see something she can work towards. Also make no mistake she must do the work to win you back and get back into the mge. This is all on her to win back your trust.
an hero Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I agree with the others- you have to find out far she went with this other man. As the others have asked.. Was she going to tell you? How did she act after you found out? Is she remorseful? Making out is cheating, but if it didn't go further than making out it will probably be alot easier to forgive in the long run if you choose to reconcile. Best of luck, I look forward to hearing from you again.
tami-chan Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Mark....I would not care about finding what was "more"-when something dies inside and you can't look at your wife the same way ever again..then that's it! what would you do with the additional information? Would it change anything? What is it the you want to do right now? If somebody asks you right now, what do YOU want to do about your marriage and you are given 30 seconds to respond, what would your answer be? BTW, do you have kids?
Skump Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 First rule of applied economics: ignore sunk costs. Don't let this jerk waste any more of your time, my friend. Move on.
on1wheel Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 If you have no children, then end it now. You will never look at her the same, because she isn't the same. You thought she was trustworthy & she betrayed you...how much is irrelevant my friend. Once a cheater, always a cheater...the level of cheating again is irrelevant. The cheater never tells all that they have done; of this I speak from experience. I caught my wife of 3+ yrs in an affair & when I asked her how far it went she lied. But I don't ask a question I don't already know the answer to in situations like these. So I gave her some more rope & let her hang herself with it. The worst part for me is that I had a 19 mth old baby at home that I swore when they drew their 1st breath in this world "I promise to do anything in my power to protect you from pain & do whatever I can to make you happy". So when she said we should make this work, that she would never do anything like this again, that she would make it up to me; well I knew that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I wanted to divorce, needed to divorce in order to be happy; yet that goes against the promise I made to my child. My happiness is no longer the important issue, my childs was though. Long painful story short, I stayed, it's been 2 yrs & the pain is almost as bad now as then. I do not look at her the same, love her the same, want her sexually the same...nothing is the same! I know it never will be & that the only way this story would've ended with me happy was to selfish enough to leave her. If you have no kids take my advice, learn from my pain; leave ASAP & find someone more like you. She deserves to be divorced for her betryal. Just the opinion of another betrayed man for what it's worth. Good luck either way. Cheers.
dizzled Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 man.. if you have no kids, get out of that thing!!!!!! i made a mistake and learned my fiance cheated on me. i couldn't believe it. i was devastated. i tried to make things work out and well ended up with a pregnancy and a unhappy term. i watched my daughter born and my first thought was, was she mine? Not OMG she's so beautiful, but seriously the first thought was, was she mine? unless you are some super human godlike creature, you will never look at her again the same. you might be able to hate screw for some time after, but after that goes away you are left with an empty relationship. give real love a chance! I wish I had the courage too.
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