Will he ever leave?

[datura_noir]

For the life of me, I can't understand why some women view themseves as a piece of fruit in a market to be "picked'. Does this guy have a gold wanker or something? What does he have? I wanna know? Why must you be the subserviant "fruit" to be picked? Are you riper? Firmer? Rounder? Why aren't you good enough to be you just as you are, and to be happy without him?

[NoIDidn't]

Heartbroken

 

I noticed something when he was posting.

 

He posted nice things about his W and you seemed to take offense to it.

 

It really made it seem like you were in this affair because you believed his W to deserve to be left and that you made him happier.

 

If that is the case, please remember it when he is contacting you or when you think about contacting him.

 

NC is as hard as we make it.

 

I'll go back and get those posts in a sec.

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry I didn't give kind words about my W...she is a very kind woman...she would never have cheated on me...she loves her kids...she loves me...she has never meant me harm...she is very sorry for things she has done even though I've told her that she has no reason to be sorry for anything. It just so happens that I lost attraction...why? I'm not exactly sure but I've had my reasons...everyone needs justification afterall.

 

I'll leave her alone...people just said I didn't have the balls to come on here and like any other who comes here for help, I have lurked on these boards for over 2 years. I want help as well. I hijacked this thread and will start my own topics.

 

I guess that's my final answer, huh? Nice way to deliver it. Gosh, I'm such a sucker!

 

I'm not exactly sure why you gave the response you did to his post, but I can tell you its not because you are a sucker.

 

Its so easy to end up in just this situation. He was here giving every rationalization he could come up with and wasn't being met with concilliatory responses (the kind that makes excuses with and for him).

 

You were both emotionally vulnerable and this is how it usually ends up. I believe him when he says he wasn't looking for an affair and that the two of you were friends. I believe you will trust again, its just now you know what signs to look out for. This situation was ripe for just what happened in it.

[heartbroken1109]

No I didn't...what I took offense at was the "I'll leave her alone part," certainly not the nice words about his wife. MM and I were in constant contact, and then he came on the forum and posted that he'll leave me alone. Shocked me. His wife is a very nice woman who didn't deserve any of this. I can see how that could've been misinterpreted...my bad.

[heartbroken1109]

I'm not exactly sure why you gave the response you did to his post, but I can tell you its not because you are a sucker.

 

Its so easy to end up in just this situation. He was here giving every rationalization he could come up with and wasn't being met with concilliatory responses (the kind that makes excuses with and for him).

 

You were both emotionally vulnerable and this is how it usually ends up. I believe him when he says he wasn't looking for an affair and that the two of you were friends. I believe you will trust again, its just now you know what signs to look out for. This situation was ripe for just what happened in it.

 

Forgot to add..I know he is a good person; we both are. Neither of us had ever been involved in an A before and we had no idea where it would lead us. Perhaps I will trust again in time, but it will be a LONG time. Thanks for the encouragement:-)

[NoIDidn't]

Forgot to add..I know he is a good person; we both are. Neither of us had ever been involved in an A before and we had no idea where it would lead us. Perhaps I will trust again in time, but it will be a LONG time. Thanks for the encouragement:-)

 

 

These kinds of affairs sneak up on both people. You needed a friend and he wanted to be one and didn't quite know where to place the boundaries.

 

I am sure that both of you are good people. This is definitely something to file under "learning experience".

 

Good luck.

[crystal_lostheart]

I'm sorry but I have been through this where my MM's friend kicked him out and the only thing he thought about was running back home... didn't even think to move in with me or someone else.... They lie, they cheat, they play.... that's all most of them do. Boot him and move on. That's what I have had to do in the past 2 day and it's killing me but I know it's right. He is still texting me telling me he loves me, misses me - all that s*it. I'm not replying and it's driving him insane. I don't want him anymore. He has hurt me too much. It's just their way of keeping grips on you. You are better than that and he will just keep using you if you let him

[2sunny]

Forgot to add..I know he is a good person; we both are. Neither of us had ever been involved in an A before and we had no idea where it would lead us. Perhaps I will trust again in time, but it will be a LONG time. Thanks for the encouragement:-)

 

And you, who judges me and doesn't know me from Adam, are a poor excuse of a human for coming on here and hurling insults for the simple fact that you THINK you are some expert on my motives and behavior. I don't know if HB will even see this thread again and frankly I don't care one way or the other because people like you make us both laugh anyway. Allow me to show you my insensitive side by telling you to kiss my ass and to get a freaking life.

 

wow, the truth often brings out ugliness in some...

 

i guess HB has been saved from a nasty side of her MM. looks as if the evidence shows she was wrong about you being so "nice." nice? not so much...

[awkward]

And you, who judges me and doesn't know me from Adam, are a poor excuse of a human for coming on here and hurling insults for the simple fact that you THINK you are some expert on my motives and behavior. I don't know if HB will even see this thread again and frankly I don't care one way or the other because people like you make us both laugh anyway. Allow me to show you my insensitive side by telling you to kiss my ass and to get a freaking life.

 

I am giving you the same advice as last time. Try to go no contact with both HB and your wife. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want and what is broken. As long as you are still in contact with HB, you make it harder for either of you to heal.

 

Maybe your wife isn't what you want. Maybe HB is your soulmate. Who knows? I don't think you know either. I strongly suggest that you try to clear your head and do some work on yourself before you choose divorce, another affair, or HB.

 

I'm curious and hope that you answer at least the first question. Why are you staying in your marriage? Are you in love with your wife? Are you still intimate with her? Does she know about you and HB? Are you in love with HB? Do your children know of your affair? Do you lie to your wife about HB? Do you lie to HB about your wife? What is keeping you from moving forward?

[hate2hurt]

I am giving you the same advice as last time. Try to go no contact with both HB and your wife. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want and what is broken. As long as you are still in contact with HB, you make it harder for either of you to heal.

 

Maybe your wife isn't what you want. Maybe HB is your soulmate. Who knows? I don't think you know either. I strongly suggest that you try to clear your head and do some work on yourself before you choose divorce, another affair, or HB.

 

I'm curious and hope that you answer at least the first question. Why are you staying in your marriage? Are you in love with your wife? Are you still intimate with her? Does she know about you and HB? Are you in love with HB? Do your children know of your affair? Do you lie to your wife about HB? Do you lie to HB about your wife? What is keeping you from moving forward?

 

Lots to answer but to be simple, I came back for a number of reasons and some of those being enormous pressure from my family to go back, an upbringing that taught that adultery was absolutely wrong and that nothing good would ever come of it, and my boys. Right now, when my boys hang on to me and tell me how much they love me, I stay another day. Otherwise, I'd have nothing to keep me here at all. Coming back while completely in love with HB was just plain stupid. If I wanted to try anything I should have followed your advice or at least gotten IC to try to figure out what is going around in my screwed up mind.

[hate2hurt]

wow, the truth often brings out ugliness in some...

 

i guess HB has been saved from a nasty side of her MM. looks as if the evidence shows she was wrong about you being so "nice." nice? not so much...

 

2Sunny,

You remind me of when I was little and would have fights with my siblings. We would just keep pestering and pestering just trying to get the other sibling to blow up. Nice try but I'm a grown up now.

 

And really? That makes me not so nice how? You just try and try to push buttons...you're really silly.

[RedDevil66]

wow, this thread took a real turn!

 

Nora hit the nail on the head about spirituality, there is NOT an ounce of spirituality in these two people.

Being christian or any other religion does not make one spiritual.

[RedDevil66]

Hate2hurt, everyone makes mistakes and when one is empty, they try to fill their lives with anything that will fill them.

You decided to fill your void in a dysfunctional manner and in the process, are dragging many people down with you.

One is not spiritual because they say they are, they get to level of spirituality when they have learned from pain and error.

Do the right thing and stop filling your void with pain and fill it with self love and respect

[whichwayisup]

Lots to answer but to be simple, I came back for a number of reasons and some of those being enormous pressure from my family to go back, an upbringing that taught that adultery was absolutely wrong and that nothing good would ever come of it, and my boys. Right now, when my boys hang on to me and tell me how much they love me, I stay another day. Otherwise, I'd have nothing to keep me here at all. Coming back while completely in love with HB was just plain stupid. If I wanted to try anything I should have followed your advice or at least gotten IC to try to figure out what is going around in my screwed up mind.

 

It's not too late to go do IC, sort yourself out. If you are staying JUST for your kids, you're not doing them any favours. I know you don't want to walk on them, bust up your family unit..But, if you stay and don't try to reconnect with your wife, be a loving couple, your kids will see your marriage as the norm.. If you stay, then let HB go...So she can heal, get over you, somehow.

 

If you leave, you can still see your kids, I'm sure you're a good father and can still be a good father to your boys even if you aren't with them everyday.

 

I hope HB comes back, she has gotten lots of support, so I hope you aren't preventing her from coming here.

[stampdaddy]

Dude, I don't "know" you either, but I know dogsh*t when I smell it.....

 

Your poor wife and kids. WTF? Yes, you are being "noble" to them. They should thank their lucky stars that "daddy" is home with mommy. She should just be overwhelmed with glee that her strapping, loving, hard working husband and protector has come back to the family's nest.

 

Hold on a sec while I vomit.

 

You know, it's one thing if you were actually "trying" to figure things out and "working" towards something tangible.. BUT you are not. You are jerking everybody, EVERYBODY around for nothing less than your own amusement (sure God loves that). And I am sorry, but do you realize how funny that sounds, "I am back home with my family because of my "Christian reading and Biblical upbringing" and God and blah, blah, blah?? ALL while having an affair? Give me a f*cking break!

 

You are a trouble man, and let me warn you to stop acting like you are so much more intelligent than others here at this site. You sound like a spoiled brat when you act all "high and mighty" over these posters, your peers in life. It was so disturbing, I had to wait to write this post, as to make sure I stayed as "constructive" as you have requested. Now I just want to kick you in the teeth.

 

Can you even look your wife in the eyes for more than 3 seconds? I mean really? Can you take her hands as a human being, and look at her face?

 

(**Tony, I tried as hard as I could to be "civil", I hope I passed your test, cause there is ALOT more that I wanted to say..)

Edited December 30, 2009 by stampdaddy

[2sunny]

Dude, I don't "know" you either, but I know dogsh*t when I smell it.....

 

Your poor wife and kids. WTF? Yes, you are being "noble" to them. They should thank their lucky stars that "daddy" is home with mommy. She should just be overwhelmed with glee that her strapping, loving, hard working husband and protector has come back to the family's nest.

 

Hold on a sec while I vomit.

 

You know, it's one thing if you were actually "trying" to figure things out and "working" towards something tangible.. BUT you are not. You are jerking everybody, EVERYBODY around for nothing less than your own amusement (sure God loves that). And I am sorry, but do you realize how funny that sounds, "I am back home with my family because of my "Christian reading and Biblical upbringing" and God and blah, blah, blah?? ALL while having an affair? Give me a f*cking break!

 

You are a trouble man, and let me warn you to stop acting like you are so much more intelligent than others here at this site. You sound like a spoiled brat when you act all "high and mighty" over these posters, your peers in life. It was so disturbing, I had to wait to write this post, as to make sure I stayed as "constructive" as you have requested. Now I just want to kick you in the teeth.

 

Can you even look your wife in the eyes for more than 3 seconds? I mean really? Can you take her hands as a human being, and look at her face?

 

(**Tony, I tried as hard as I could to be "civil", I hope I passed your test, cause there is ALOT more that I wanted to say..)

 

i agree that the Christian approach is misguided, at best. a Christian man presents with his ACTIONS that follow the path of your belief system. this is what seems hypocritical all the way around. if you say you are as Christian as you talk of it here - then ACT like it.

 

this is where words and actions are in glaring conflict and that is what is making posters so angry. the last time i checked - the Bible doesn't call for a person to act selfishly by cheating on a wife - pretending to go back home after infidelity - and then stringing innocent hearts along for his own pleasure and comfort - and try to cover it up by saying he's a "good" person, lying all the way through it. nothing about those actions seem "good" at all.

 

maybe it's time to either act within the confines of your belief system or admit that you don't want to live according to those guidelines at all and do whatever you want, admitting that you don't intend to be that "good."

 

i really don't mind what path a person takes as long as they are honest and their actions match their words... so pick a side and stick to it - but at least call the actions for what they are instead of pretending to be something you're not. if it's a snake - i want to know it's a snake - not a snake dressed up as a teddy bear. see the reality of it all? just be honest about what you really are, intend to be - and things become so much simpler.

[StarChick]

Dude, I don't "know" you either, but I know dogsh*t when I smell it.....

 

Your poor wife and kids. WTF? Yes, you are being "noble" to them. They should thank their lucky stars that "daddy" is home with mommy. She should just be overwhelmed with glee that her strapping, loving, hard working husband and protector has come back to the family's nest.

 

Hold on a sec while I vomit.

 

You know, it's one thing if you were actually "trying" to figure things out and "working" towards something tangible.. BUT you are not. You are jerking everybody, EVERYBODY around for nothing less than your own amusement (sure God loves that). And I am sorry, but do you realize how funny that sounds, "I am back home with my family because of my "Christian reading and Biblical upbringing" and God and blah, blah, blah?? ALL while having an affair? Give me a f*cking break!

 

You are a trouble man, and let me warn you to stop acting like you are so much more intelligent than others here at this site. You sound like a spoiled brat when you act all "high and mighty" over these posters, your peers in life. It was so disturbing, I had to wait to write this post, as to make sure I stayed as "constructive" as you have requested. Now I just want to kick you in the teeth.

 

Can you even look your wife in the eyes for more than 3 seconds? I mean really? Can you take her hands as a human being, and look at her face?

 

(**Tony, I tried as hard as I could to be "civil", I hope I passed your test, cause there is ALOT more that I wanted to say..)

 

This is brilliant. It's everything I wanted to say last night while reading through the thread, wide-eyed and shaking my head.

 

OP, I hope this thread aids you in your healing. I hope this shows you that he's not much of a prize, after all. Who wants to be with someone who cheats on his wife and then acts like this? You'll forever wonder what else (or who else) he's doing. Love shouldn't be like that. It'd be too exhausting. Much love to you.

[awkward]

Right now, when my boys hang on to me and tell me how much they love me, I stay another day. Otherwise, I'd have nothing to keep me here at all.

 

If this is true then that is just sad. Sad for your wife, sad for your kids, and sad for you. Is your wife in love with you? Does she know that you don't love her?

[fooled once]

Dude, I don't "know" you either, but I know dogsh*t when I smell it.....

 

Your poor wife and kids. WTF? Yes, you are being "noble" to them. They should thank their lucky stars that "daddy" is home with mommy. She should just be overwhelmed with glee that her strapping, loving, hard working husband and protector has come back to the family's nest.

 

Hold on a sec while I vomit.

 

You know, it's one thing if you were actually "trying" to figure things out and "working" towards something tangible.. BUT you are not. You are jerking everybody, EVERYBODY around for nothing less than your own amusement (sure God loves that). And I am sorry, but do you realize how funny that sounds, "I am back home with my family because of my "Christian reading and Biblical upbringing" and God and blah, blah, blah?? ALL while having an affair? Give me a f*cking break!

 

You are a trouble man, and let me warn you to stop acting like you are so much more intelligent than others here at this site. You sound like a spoiled brat when you act all "high and mighty" over these posters, your peers in life. It was so disturbing, I had to wait to write this post, as to make sure I stayed as "constructive" as you have requested. Now I just want to kick you in the teeth.

 

Can you even look your wife in the eyes for more than 3 seconds? I mean really? Can you take her hands as a human being, and look at her face?

 

(**Tony, I tried as hard as I could to be "civil", I hope I passed your test, cause there is ALOT more that I wanted to say..)

 

Stampdaddy - I am going to miss you in this forum.

 

Such an awesome post!!!

[White Flower]

You are absolutely right. It isn't fair for me to continue to blame him for my divorce. I made the choice, and I still think I am better off out of the marriage. I often think it would be nice not to be alone, but I was alone in the marriage anyway. Another person's presence doesn't necessarily resolve lonliness. I'd love to hear what he is telling his wife. I guess that is one side of the story I'll never hear. He is a very religious man, and I know he is struggling with right and wrong. However, I think the real resons he went back are fear and lack of strength.

HB1109,

 

I have not read the whole thread but I intend on reading it all. This post in particular struck me because I relate so much to it. I D'd after meeting MM and I am alone now. In my case, it wasn't 'let's leave for each other' but I did find something better than my M and I new I couldn't stay with something less even if I wasn't going to get the better. Know what I mean?

 

I was alone in my M. I'm alone now. Same difference so why do his laundry?

 

One story you'll never hear? How about calling her?

 

Fear and lack of strength are exactly right. He is hiding behind 'conviction' because that is a plausible idea most people in Church like to believe. BTDT. Why was he not 'convicted' when he was lying and sleeping with you?

 

Be back later after I have read the whole thread.

[White Flower]

Wow this reeks of I left my marriage for the MM. I know for a fact it was the right or better choice when I left my marriage. Please focus on YOU and learn to be alone that is the hardest thing for me but I'm doing it and learning it. You shouldn't be thinking about anything you'd love to hear what he's telling his wife and the fact that he's not with you is cause he's weak!!!! I'm a man and I so happy I got out and I can look in the mirror and say wow i do have a spine!!!!

 

My poor friends heard for so many years I wanted to get out and I was so scared. Stand up and be strong. You will survive.

C4N, again, I just want to applaud your courage, strength, and resolve to do the right thing. It shows you have real HONOR.

[White Flower]

As for the reason he didn't move in with me...I have three small children. I know I didn't behave appropriately when I had the affair, but I wasn't going to move him in that soon. I don't think it would have been fair to them.

 

Well, I guess I need to update. We have seen each other twice this week, and we have remained in constant contact via email. One of the things I loved the most about our relationship was that sex was truly an expression of love and togetherness (this was a very new experience for me). During my years of marriage, I felt like little more than a sex toy to my xH. MM and I connectd on every level; he was my best friend and confidant. In addition, our relationship didn't become sexual until we had been together for a year or so. Now we can't communicate like we did. We can't talk on the phone, because his wife may find out. Our communication is limited to email, and it is very hard to have intimate conversation via email. When we meet, we have a few minutes or a couple of hours at most, and it is pretty much just about sex. I was ok with this initially, because I desperately wanted to be in his arms and hear him tell me he loved me. Today, I was disgusted with myself. He doesn't really want me to ask him any questions. He says he doesn't know what the future holds. I feel like I'm resuming the role of sex toy, and that is really not a role I want back.

 

As for where to go from here, I'd love to say I'm going NC this minute. I'm just not there yet, but I'm getting closer every day. What I am doing is joining singles groups and at least entertaining the thought of finding someone else--a big step for me bc I thought this man was my future. I often wish he had the balls to fight for us, but it is becoming more and more apparent that I'm living in fantasy land. He will stay in his pitiful marriage for the sake of his kids. There isn't a doubt in my mind that years from now he'll regret this decision tremendously.

Excuse me? He can have sex with you but he can't answer any of your questions? Look, no communication = no sex. Period. Let him answer your questions, THEN let him pleasure you.

 

He doesn't know what the future holds because he is only concerned about getting his sex today with a woman who loves and adores him.

[White Flower]

Thanks for the encouragement, Confused4Now. I do not regret leaving my marriage. I also wanted to go for years, but was afraid to. This man was just the catalyst. In the long run, I'll move on and he'll still be miserable...his choice. Do you have children? If so, how have they adjusted. He seems to think keeping it together for the kids is the way to go, but I am a product of that and strongly disagree. My parents have been married 42 years, and they don't have anything in common. That's not a fun way to spend retirement years! My kids have adjusted very well, because xH and I have been very reasonable and creative with custody. Seeing mom and dad miserable all the time isn't good for the kids, IMO.

He doesn't think highly of what you think. Only what he thinks. That's how most 'really religious' guys are. Sad, but true. I spent many years in the Church. I should know.

[White Flower]

when u left ur marriage for valid reasons, why do u bring that subject again and again(if u believe u left ur XH for valid reasons)....i.e your past leave it at that

 

coming to the present, what makes u think he is not into it for sex ?

cut the sex out of ur so called fairytale, then see how long it is going to lost....(if u do not understand this, then i would say u r dumb)

 

u already created enough amount of turmoil for ur children...keep them out of it(god knows how many dads and step dads they are going to see)

I almost took your post seriously until I saw how cruel you were with suggesting this heartbroken woman will have many step fathers in her children's life. Didn't you read where she didn't want MM moving in just yet because she didn't want to put her children through another harsh change after the D? She did not even allow the LOVE OF HER LIFE to enter her new single parent home because she knows how to protect their hearts. Just wow.

 

Initially I only wanted to address the bolded part. People make decisions based on collective reasons not just one. If I chose one reason to leave my exH I would be stupid. 'Honey, I wanna D because you left toothpaste in the sink.' Right. Rather, there were hundreds of reasons to D and MM was just one of them. He never promised her a rose garden, but he implied a deep love for her and who wouldn't want to spend the rest of their life with someone they claimed (and physically showed) how much they loved them. When all is said and done, there were definitely reasons to leave the M but the one that pushed them into full gear to do it isn't there for us now. I understand that.

[White Flower]

Well, my time on this forum has come to an end. MM found my posts and we had an ugly conversation tonight about me feeling like a "sex toy." I think my logic was very clear...when you don't share day to day things together and I never receive so much as a phone call, feeling like an object of pleasure is to be expected eventually...am I worng? He said I won't ever have to worry about that again, because it won't ever happen again. It is really hard to hear someone you love be so hateful. I guess I'll always wonder now if it all meant to him what it did to me. This is the worst pain I've felt throughout this whole ordeal, but I know I brought it on myself. Do any of you know how I can delete my account? I'm not worried about everything that is already written, but there really isn't any point in writing anything else. Thanks.

Why does your time have to come to an end? You have every right to work out your frustrations, especially if you don't have time or money for a counselor.

 

I bolded your reasoning about interpreting your place in his life because it is obvious he has never tried to look at things from your POV. If he doesn't allay your fears, you are left to interpret things any way you feel and see them. And it takes DAILY interaction for him to allay your concerns. But he doesn't get it. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too and only allay the fears and concerns of his W who took him back for those very reasons. Simple.

 

You may be able to have your posts deleted since you don't have that many. I asked Tony if I could have my whole account and all its posts deleted because my MM found my posts four nights ago. He was angry over a post and I was able to have that one deleted but Tony said it would cost me lots of money to have someone come in to LS and delete all of them. I could fly there and do it for free if they let me but oh well. This place has been my counseling and f*** anybody if they can't deal with that. I never mentioned any names and neither have you so I wouldn't worry about them being in existence.