Will he ever leave?

[2sunny]

h2h can you please address and answer my prior inquisitions?

[awkward]

 

Awkward...again....very good food for thought. Thank you for appealing on an honest but logical level.

 

I am going to step out of this thread now. It's difficult because it was originally heartbroken's thread. Heartbroken (((hugs))) I hope you gather the strength to go no contact. The longer you stay in this relationship the more you are going to hurt. I understand that he loves you and you love him. But it isn't enough. You deserve more than this. Remember that.

[2sunny]

No...I tried that approach a year ago when I was first discovered in A...didn't work. I want the A to be right and to be able to be with heartbroken plus keep my boys around constantly. That's where the reality of life comes crashing down. Am I logical? Probably not but you wanted honesty.

 

you do understand - don't you - that there really is no way for an affair to be right?

 

it's just not possible or realistic, lot's of people end up being hurt no matter which way you end it.

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

Great posts. We need to give credit to the OM and MM, that is heartbroken and hate2hurt in the sense that people can learn from both for having that courage to post here and all can make reasoned decision.

 

That said, I noticed a bit of manipulation and/or justification here from both. Hate2hurt professing his love for his wife by stating how good she is, and OW not wanting to hear that ... now considering herself a sucker. OW making excuses for MM as she thinks she knows him deeply. OW stating that 2 couples staying together for the sake of it when no love would end up being misery ... as in her parents case.

 

MM and OW need to find themselves separately. MM need to determine what he really wants. As for OW, she need to start looking forward. Her marriage, which she should have focused on, worked on, is over. Now need to learn to live as a single woman. Two marriages have been destroyed.

 

Teachable lesson. No one should take their marital issues to the opposite sex for suppose counselling. Albeit OM being lurking here for over 2 years and should have known better still allowed himself to get sucked in. Like I wrote in one of my post here, OW's marriage could have been salvageable, albeit justification for leaving as MM stated that he encouraged her to work on her marriage ... cos if it was that bad I am sure in his heart of hearts he won't have asked her to stay and salvage it.

 

All in all not a good ending.

[bentnotbroken]

You're in God's grace...you tell me.

 

Thanks whichwayisup...great things to ponder. I'm not really into the whole manly thing...I'm as weak as any other.

 

 

You're in God's grace too. And if you are having a relationship you would know it the answer too. Didn't work for King David the only man God said was truly of his heart.

[bentnotbroken]

awkward...I've tried over and over and over again. I want to do what is right...doesn't mean it's easy. Unlike what the man-haters here would like to believe, I don't relish on the fact that I am hurting people...messing with their lives. It really does suck and is very selfish.

 

 

Yet here you are still being as selfish as ever to OP and your wife. So it must not suck enough. But keep it up, it will SUCK more than you could have ever imagined, not just for you, but for those who did absolutely to deserve it. Do something for someone else other than you. Go away, find a cave and leave the people in your life alone. King David did. Jesus went to the garden alone to pray.

[heartbroken1109]

Great posts. We need to give credit to the OM and MM, that is heartbroken and hate2hurt in the sense that people can learn from both for having that courage to post here and all can make reasoned decision.

 

That said, I noticed a bit of manipulation and/or justification here from both.

 

It_Is_What_It_Is, I admit that I am very biased. I love him and want us to be together. Although I am admittedly biased, I still believe firmly that keeping it together solely for the sake of the kids will benefit no one in the long run.

 

As for the comment about impossible hapy endings, I don't buy it. Of course we would face more challenges than relationships that didn't begin this way, but I know happy endings are possible. Perhaps one day our will be an example of that. It is no secret that I certainly hope so.

 

I know that God doesn't condone adultery. However, God is also merciful and offers grace and forgiveness. I know we both screwed up, and I have spent an incredible amount of time reading the Bible and in prayer. The post about David is correct, he was forgiven and eventually Jesus was delivered into this world through his blood line. Hate2Hate and I have both learned a lot throughout this whole ordeal. I would have no trouble trusting him, because we have learned how painful infidelity is for everyone involved.

[bentnotbroken]

It_Is_What_It_Is, I admit that I am very biased. I love him and want us to be together. Although I am admittedly biased, I still believe firmly that keeping it together solely for the sake of the kids will benefit no one in the long run.

 

As for the comment about impossible hapy endings, I don't buy it. Of course we would face more challenges than relationships that didn't begin this way, but I know happy endings are possible. Perhaps one day our will be an example of that. It is no secret that I certainly hope so.

 

I know that God doesn't condone adultery. However, God is also merciful and offers grace and forgiveness. I know we both screwed up, and I have spent an incredible amount of time reading the Bible and in prayer. The post about David is correct, he was forgiven and eventually Jesus was delivered into this world through his blood line. Hate2Hate and I have both learned a lot throughout this whole ordeal. I would have no trouble trusting him, because we have learned how painful infidelity is for everyone involved.

 

 

He was forgiven, but not without consequence for the his actions. The child he had with Bathsheba died, he lost his kingdom for a time. His son raped his daughter, he was forced to leave his kingdom as his son chased him to kill him. Yes, God grants us (I am so glad he does)mercy and forgiveness when we decide that only the only way to everlasting life is to do what is necessary and commanded. That person you are dealing with isn't doing that is he?

[NoIDidn't]

Oh God, I hate what this thread has become.

 

In all the time that I've been posting here, having a MM post for the OW has NEVER worked out.

 

It is MANIPULATION, plain and simple.

 

They all lie and say that they told their wives after posting here with us.

 

And it IS a lie. One such poster had her MM posting in Divorce/Sep and he never left his W. She was the one who called his W and gave her the truth.

 

This is not going to end well for you, Heartbroken.

 

It doesn't matter what hate2hurt says here in this forum. His posting here is just another HIDDEN way for him to seem like he is there for you. HE'S NOT.

 

Don't believe the hype.

 

Its not worth it.

 

Tell him to leave you alone until he actually gets a divorce.

 

I can't believe he came in here talking about he was too weak to follow his "conviction from God" to GO HOME and STAY HOME and BE A HUSBAND TO HIS WIFE AND FATHER TO THIS CHILDREN.

 

That conviction was so strong he ran home from the relative's home. But not strong enough to make him be faithful, or to start a divorce from his W?

 

Hate2hurt, put your money where your mouth is. Man up in both of these relationships. Either leave one or the other. A man can't stand in two boats at the same time. When they both eventually go their separate ways, where is that going to leave you?

[heartbroken1109]

Scorpmale...we didn't get spitriual all of a sudden. We are both Christians, and we've both been spiritual for a long time.

 

Sometimes when reality slaps me in the face, I tell myself I can't continue this...he made his choice. I'm over-my-head emotionally involved though, and I don't really want to go NC.

[heartbroken1109]

I saw the passage below on another thread (Thanks brokenlady), I'm interested in hearing thoughts on this, because I feel this is reality if we walk away.

 

 

A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008):

 

Have an affair with someone you REALLY love – Everyone (councillors, friends, peers etc.) says walk away, it is not real love, time will heal, it is not worth it - but deep in your heart you know this is the one. So what do you do, you listen to all these people, you do the “right thing” for your children, your family, your career – and what happens? Let me tell you….

 

This happened to me - I was married, had a great job, great kids, great house – everything was great – except I was the unhappiest I had ever been, life seemed pointless and I was always striving for the next best thing. Then I met her – she changed my life. Honestly, I have never felt like this for anyone. We were great together, related to one another, we spoke, we laughed, we cried – we did everything together – my soul mate really. She really wanted to be with me and I really wanted to be with her but I thought I would do the responsible thing. I went counselling with my wife and decided to work it through – against all that I felt!!! I listened to everyone else and not to myself. So I lost the lady I love and now a few years down the line after all the promises have faded, I am back to where I was, unhappy & striving for the next best thing. Except now I am a worse person – I am bitter about the one I lost, I have become a worse father and husband. I am distant, withdrawn and just carrying on with life. If my wife doesn’t like it – she can go have an affair – I am indifferent. Time did not heal because I was not honest with myself.

 

What I am trying to say is that everyone thinks they know better, but be true to yourself. Look, in my situation someone was going to get hurt but what is worse – living a lie and giving up a piece of yourself or being true to yourself and trying to be a better person. Honestly – the first option ends up hurting more people.

 

Not saying this is the advice you must take – just my experience.

[heartbroken1109]

Scorpmale...he wrote that "a few years down the line."

[NoIDidn't]

I'm over-my-head emotionally involved though, and I don't really want to go NC.

 

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).

 

I generally don't bring spirituality into a post unless a poster does it first themselves. Nowhere in any spiritual journey will we ever find infidelity being accepted.

 

When our desire for a person overwhelms our spiritual beliefs, we set ourselves up to fail. We sacrifice what we believe for what we want. Should we sell our birthright for a bite to eat? The food may very well be the best we have ever eaten (at that time), but our birthright is not replaceable.

 

(Sorry non-spiritual folks, this is my only one in this thread. Promise.)

[Brokenlady]

Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? How often do MM who say they are going to leave actually do it??

 

Well, you've already seen my thread, so you can probably predict my answer. Not often. My MM left and divorced. One would think that meant something. It didn't. He continued to string both of us along and manipulated to keep his emotional marriage. He left physically, sort of, but never really left. He fed me lies and promises I wanted to believe so badly. The better question for you is, even if he does leave, how could you trust he wouldn't go back (again), given what he's already done? And truly, it's likely he never really left in the 1st place the 1st time. The point is, even if he does leave, do you really want a man like this with all the heavy baggage that comes with him?

[2sunny]

h2h hasn't answered extremely pertinent questions... why am i not surprised?

 

it now makes me believe that he just says what he says to get what he wants. he never came here saying he would move mountains to be with his OW, in fact he alluded to the contrary. just more manipulation.

 

IF he intended to be with his OW - he would have stated so immediately last night. he's had two years to consider what he really wants so now he's just back here to reel his OW back in while he stays comfy in his home life.

 

heart - don't believe him at this point, he's not a man of courage or action - why would you want to choose that anyway?

[NoIDidn't]

h2h hasn't answered extremely pertinent questions... why am i not surprised?

 

it now makes me believe that he just says what he says to get what he wants. he never came here saying he would move mountains to be with his OW, in fact he alluded to the contrary. just more manipulation.

 

IF he intended to be with his OW - he would have stated so immediately last night. he's had two years to consider what he really wants so now he's just back here to reel his OW back in while he stays comfy in his home life.

 

heart - don't believe him at this point, he's not a man of courage or action - why would you want to choose that anyway?

 

I'm not surprised either. I remember when another MM came here and posted and said all lovely things about his OW and negative things about his marriage and home life. But the last thing I read was that that MM was STILL at home, and that was practically two years ago.

 

Its a show for the OW, IMO. We are strangers. We don't know him or her IRL, but its done to make the OW feel like she actually has something, like he's actually claiming her in an open setting.

[heartbroken1109]

You guys are all right. Accepting this is so darn hard. I can't even begin to imagine replacing what we had--or rather what I thought we had. My xMIL and I are still very close. She is a counselor, and actually knows xMM. I called her in tears today--literally gasping for breath. She told me to let go completely and let him give his marriage his best shot. Then, if things don't work out we could begin a relationship the right way. She also told me that by continuing to have contact with him, it's like saying I haven't had enough pain and need more. I called my Dr. this afternoon and begged for an antidepressant. I usually avoid meds if at all possible...I won't even take tylenol unless I'm in extreme pain. Admitting that I need an antidepressant is very difficult. Lord, I am absolutely a complete mess.

 

Btw...he said he isn't going to post on here anymore. Sorry for those of you who have asked questions for which you never received an answer. He isn't going to leave his marriage and I actually realize that now. I've tried to ignore the bricks everyone has been throwing at me, but I can't anymore. He really isn't leaving.

 

There is another part to our story that completely sucks. We worked together, he got laid off, and he just got his job back. He starts back in Jan. We won't be in the same building, but we will encounter each other. Why? Darn it, it is already hard enough without the work thing.

[norajane]

Btw...he said he isn't going to post on here anymore.

 

So you're still talking to him?

[whichwayisup]

Get thoughts out of your mind of a possible future with him if his marriage doesn't work out. He isn't leaving, you know this. And besides, if you took him back, how could you trust him? The way he's treated you, like a piece of meat..

 

It sucks, and it hurts, but once you heal, you will look back on this and wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.

 

Oh, he may not post here anymore, but you DO know he'll be reading.

 

Stay strong and do NOT let this ruin your holidays. You have good friends and family who love and care about you, so don't let HIM take this holiday away from you.

[2sunny]

heart - i'm sorry for your pain. i think he doesn't want to post because he's not willing to face the truth and admit that he's not willing to choose you and not willing to let you go.

 

choose this for yourself. no more waiting on a guy that won't put you as his FIRST choice. no matter what his words say, that is what his actions tell all of us.

 

start healing - move forward now that you understand what his intentions were all along. it wasn't fair for you to be in this position to start with and it still isn't fair now.

 

stay strong. big hugs...

[heartbroken1109]

Thanks, 2sunny. We have emailed a couple times, but it isn't pulling me back into fantasy land. I actually joined an online dating servicve (no, I'm not saying this in an attempt to make him jealous--he knew before I posted this). I know I'm not ready for a new relationship, but I need a distraction.

 

I cannot believe I gave someone so much control over my emotions. I got married very young, and he was really my first "grown up love," yet I went into it with the naivety and the faith of a child. Boy have I learned!

 

It would've been nice if all of this didn't happen around the holidays, but I guess there wouldn't ever have been a good time. Thank you guys for the honest insight you've given me. I don't know how I will ever trust again. I feel like I've built walls so high that no man will ever be able to climb them!

[whichwayisup]

Not all men are like that, just the married ones.

 

I hope you're able to do NC, it's for the best. What's the point of emailing? To know what's going on in his marriage? To get closure? To keep the door open a crack?

 

He chose his marriage, his wife.. So why do this to yourself and do email?

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

Not all men are like that, just the married ones.

 

I hope you're able to do NC, it's for the best. What's the point of emailing? To know what's going on in his marriage? To get closure? To keep the door open a crack?

 

He chose his marriage, his wife.. So why do this to yourself and do email?

 

 

WWIU, I guess her xH will the saying the same as well ... as heartbroken isn't blameless as well. Affairs sucks, period. Men tend to pull out much easily than women. Women tend to put all their emotions, hence it has been difficult for OW to accept the advice until now. Her case isn't unique, even though she think it is. My sympathy goes to MM's wife, OW's xH and the kids from both families.

 

MM and OW are reaping the rewards of the A, which is unfortunately the pains after the suppose excitements. We make choices, and as adults we live by them, whether good or bad. Only the wise ask for forgiveness and learn from their mistakes.

[heartbroken1109]

WWIU, I guess her xH will the saying the same as well ... as heartbroken isn't blameless as well. Affairs sucks, period. Men tend to pull out much easily than women. Women tend to put all their emotions, hence it has been difficult for OW to accept the advice until now. Her case isn't unique, even though she think it is. My sympathy goes to MM's wife, OW's xH and the kids from both families.

 

MM and OW are reaping the rewards of the A, which is unfortunately the pains after the suppose excitements. We make choices, and as adults we live by them, whether good or bad. Only the wise ask for forgiveness and learn from their mistakes.

 

No, I am definitely not without blame and never claimed to be. I was upfront with my xH from the beginning though. We both realize each had a role in the deteoriation of our marriage. Because of that, we now get along better than ever, and while I'm sure the divorce hasn't been a cakewalk for our kids, they have adjusted well. I'm sorry for all of the pain we've caused, but I've learned my lesson...I will NEVER have anything to do with another married man.

[fooled once]

My prediction?

 

Heart will continue to hold onto any straw she can with him. He knows it. He will continue to keep a 'hope' out there for her.

 

Heart - find a new job. Just because you both work for the same company does NOT mean you two have to have contact. I worked with friends and we were in the same building on the same floor and there were times I wouldn't see her for days.

 

You believe you know him so well. You don't. You know a side of him.

 

I feel so bad for his wife. All his lies to her. If she knew, the ENTIRE truth, she would probably kick him to the curb. Neither YOU nor HIM gave a damn about the wife when you were in bed together; neither of you should pretend to give a damn about her now.

 

Heart, it is obvious you hope his marriage fails and I think you want to make sure he knows you will sit and wait for him. I feel very sorry for you because even IF you two one day ended up together, it won't be picking right back up where you left.

 

You do know it takes weeks for an anti-depressant to kick in right? You don't need one; you need to pull up your big girl panties and deal with it. Just like he needs to either END the marriage or END the affair.

 

What the two of you are doing is hurtful to people who don't deserve it. It is hurtful to his wife who has done NOTHING to deserve this. It is hurtful to his children who have done NOTHING to deserve it. I know heart that you want him to understand it is better for him to be with you than to be in a marriage where he doesn't love his wife. You are hoping he will dump his wife for you.

 

Go read mybrowneyedgirl's post -- he picked her. He made his choice.

 

Yes it hurts. Hurts like hell. You have kids right? You have GOT to pull yourself together for your children. It isn't fair to them to have you being out of control emotionally. THEY don't deserve it. They are innocents in all this.

 

I hope you can finally put an END to this misery by putting an END to any and all contact with him.

 

I hope he can respect YOU enough to STOP the contact and STOP hurting you. I hope he can respect his wife and children enough to STOP contacting you. I hope you can respect his wife and children enough to STOP contacting him.

 

I know it hurts --- it hurts bad. But I promise you - you will survive. You will go on and you will be happy again. But you have to accept it - he picked her.