RedDevil66 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 So he reads your posts (says he won't anymore, yeah right) so it seems to me like you're talking about dating again to get him jealous. I would say don't let this guy run you off of LS, but it seems like you're only posting to get a reaction from him and not to really get advice?! Maybe I am wrong, but just an observation!
RedDevil66 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Yes - I am a former OW. I should have posted as xOW ... sorry. phewww, you scared me. I thought you relapsed :-) Glad you're ok :-)
MizzBlue72 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 So he reads your posts (says he won't anymore, yeah right) so it seems to me like you're talking about dating again to get him jealous. I would say don't let this guy run you off of LS, but it seems like you're only posting to get a reaction from him and not to really get advice?! Maybe I am wrong, but just an observation! Oh sorry - let me say no - HELL no!!! This forum is the ONE place that I could actually talk about my situation and get views from all sides. I would never let him run me off of it. The xMM knew that I dated. He told me back in May 09 when I asked if he loved me, his reply was no, I am fond of you, you will find someone else who is NOT me.. blah blah blah. Yeah - the dating failed miserably because I was lying to myself and the other guy. He came back later to say yes, I do love you, could not admit it, etc. His timing was SO off ... he told me this when I had chosen the LAST meeting - to end it for good... and I was sucked back in. hook, line and sinker!! Nope - no relapse. I just can NOT do that again. As much as I felt good when he was with me, I felt even worse when he left ... I know now that I deserve more than a long distance A with a MM, phone calls on his schedule and waiting for any crumbs I can get when wife is NOT home. Sorry - long convoluted story -- but it's now done.
RedDevil66 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Oh sorry - let me say no - HELL no!!! This forum is the ONE place that I could actually talk about my situation and get views from all sides. I would never let him run me off of it. The xMM knew that I dated. He told me back in May 09 when I asked if he loved me, his reply was no, I am fond of you, you will find someone else who is NOT me.. blah blah blah. Yeah - the dating failed miserably because I was lying to myself and the other guy. He came back later to say yes, I do love you, could not admit it, etc. His timing was SO off ... he told me this when I had chosen the LAST meeting - to end it for good... and I was sucked back in. hook, line and sinker!! Nope - no relapse. I just can NOT do that again. As much as I felt good when he was with me, I felt even worse when he left ... I know now that I deserve more than a long distance A with a MM, phone calls on his schedule and waiting for any crumbs I can get when wife is NOT home. Sorry - long convoluted story -- but it's now done. Oh no sorry, I meant the OP's cheater reading her threads. Yes, you do deserve more :-)
DollyMix Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I sort of feel sympathy with you because you've been hurt so deeply but now I think you need to get a grip on reality you've broken up your marriage and are hoping he's going to break up his, your going to have to live with yourself after all this so get it together and move forward
BED OF ROSES Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Hi all! I found myself involved in an A with my best guy friend two years ago. I was married at the time, and so was he. We were close friends before we ever became romantically involved, and like many of you, this is somewhere I never thought I would be. I was honest with my H and eventually left--ironically, we get along better now than ever. He separated from his W shortly after I left, and we were, I thought, planning a future together. Like a fool, I let him become involved with my children who love him dearly. He was living with a relative during the separation, and when this relative said he could no longer stay there, he moved home and told me it was due to "conviction from God." This all happened about a month ago. During the past month, we have communicated via email daily and have met twice. I know that he entered panic mode when he found himself homeless, and went back because of that. I am convinced it is not "conviction" because he continues to tell me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't question his love for me at all. I know he doesn't have the same feelings for his W. What I question is whether or not he is strong enough to leave. Am I a fool for continuing to hang onto every little shred of hope that I can? I feel so betrayed-- I know I deserve it, so please don't go there--because he moved me out of my house, played stepdaddy for 6 months, then vanished. He was my best friend, and I love him completely. I just can't seem to let go, and neither can he. Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? How often do MM who say they are going to leave actually do it?? In this case I do not think he will ever leave as I believe he has reasoned in his mind that YOU will not leave him so there is not incentive for him to leave his wife. I believe you will continue to be strung along and yes you would be a fool to continue to hang on to "shreds" of hope. I can't say you deserve to feel betrayed but I do question why betrayal is what you feel as opposed to anger. Either way from what I have read you should end this A immediately and move on with your life.
hate2hurt Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Okay...so I'm this horrible bastard that heartbroken speaks of. I have enjoyed reading all of the one-sided posts with the exception of a few people with some insight. So any questions for me? From my side of things? Non-constructive need not reply.
Fallen Angel Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Okay...so I'm this horrible bastard that heartbroken speaks of. I have enjoyed reading all of the one-sided posts with the exception of a few people with some insight. So any questions for me? From my side of things? Non-constructive need not reply. My only question is why when you see how much pain you are causing to the two women in your life, will you not just make a choice? Choosing to NOT choose is a craptastic option. I can understand feeling pulled in two different directions, one being your need/desire to try to do things "right", by staying in the marriage and honoring the vows you made (which you dishonor everytime you are with your OW). And the other being the emotional/passionate side of you that is pulled towards being with the woman you profess to love. I understand, I really do, but knowing how it makes BOTH of these women feel devalued, and unworthy, how can you continue to choose both? My advice to you is, take a break from BOTH of them, learn who YOU are, what YOU really want, what you truly value in a relationship, and outside of the influence of either of these women, figure out where your true self will be happy. Then and only then will either of these women have the man they DESERVE to have. A man who can freely give his whole true self to one of them. If you can not do that for one of them (it is simply impossible to do it for both so that is not an option) then you should cut them both loose, so that they have a shot at finding a man who can love them completely, the way they deserve to be loved.
hate2hurt Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Great words Fallen Angel. Really, I completely respect your response and I'm appreciative that you are constructive. You are right that it is not fair to make two women suffer my indecision. I think that you have read through this entire post and one of the things that you saw is that I came home out of conviction. I was called a liar or whatever but that doesn't change the fact that it is truly why I came home. To be more specific, I came home because my Christian upbringing and Biblical reading have taught that an A will not end well for anyone involved. Then, you couple that with the fact that my parent's marriage ended in a terribly hurtful A and my father did the same when I was just a year old (the daughter just found him on Facebook). So wow, they are telling me to go home and that feelings will not hold up under time so I start to wonder if those who have gone ahead of me truly do have untold wisdom that I need to listen to. So, with a grudge, I came back to my W and boys. I told my wife that I was coming back for my sons and that it would take quite a bit of time if I ever hoped to develop intimacy with her again. I admit, she should run me out of the house with a gun to even have the nuts to come back under such conditions but she begged me to keep our family together so I have tried. On the other hand, I am very much in love with brokenhearted and I have tried to go NC with her only to break down just like any other weak person on here. Just because I'm a guy doesn't make me this strong person who is above human emotion. I want to do right but I am absolutely caught up in a huge mess. I am so sorry to both my W and to brokenhearted that I ever got involved in any of this and have hurt them so much. It is not what I set out to do and I'm not sure what other guys are doing but I'm not out there looking to see who I can screw up next. This is the most God-awful thing I have ever done and I've always been a person who has treated people well. I hate what I have become.
hate2hurt Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Since you supposeably went back home to your W because of a conviction from God, how do you reconcile the unfaithfulness that is still going on? Very good question and my best answer is to tell you that I am very weak. In the beginning of this, I tried to be a "man" about this and say that it is not about feelings but that love is sacrifice (which I still believe to be true even if I'm not following it). Well, the feeling of love has caught up to me and I am having a very difficult time staying away from brokenhearted. I have a deeply emotional love for her. Maybe it was wrong, but that doesn't stop the love that developed. Just waking up one day and deciding to go back in no way erased the intense relationship that we were sharing up to that point. Letting go seems next to impossible.
Fallen Angel Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Great words Fallen Angel. Really, I completely respect your response and I'm appreciative that you are constructive. You are right that it is not fair to make two women suffer my indecision. I think that you have read through this entire post and one of the things that you saw is that I came home out of conviction. I was called a liar or whatever but that doesn't change the fact that it is truly why I came home. To be more specific, I came home because my Christian upbringing and Biblical reading have taught that an A will not end well for anyone involved. Then, you couple that with the fact that my parent's marriage ended in a terribly hurtful A and my father did the same when I was just a year old (the daughter just found him on Facebook). So wow, they are telling me to go home and that feelings will not hold up under time so I start to wonder if those who have gone ahead of me truly do have untold wisdom that I need to listen to. So, with a grudge, I came back to my W and boys. I told my wife that I was coming back for my sons and that it would take quite a bit of time if I ever hoped to develop intimacy with her again. I admit, she should run me out of the house with a gun to even have the nuts to come back under such conditions but she begged me to keep our family together so I have tried. On the other hand, I am very much in love with brokenhearted and I have tried to go NC with her only to break down just like any other weak person on here. Just because I'm a guy doesn't make me this strong person who is above human emotion. I want to do right but I am absolutely caught up in a huge mess. I am so sorry to both my W and to brokenhearted that I ever got involved in any of this and have hurt them so much. It is not what I set out to do and I'm not sure what other guys are doing but I'm not out there looking to see who I can screw up next. This is the most God-awful thing I have ever done and I've always been a person who has treated people well. I hate what I have become. Hun, I get it that you feel that you have a responsibility to your "family', but the truth of it is that you do your family a disservice by staying in a marriage that is only made tolerable because you have an OW that you love and have an emotional connection to on the side. You will never be happy like that, your wife will never be happy having half a man, and your kids feel the unhappiness of both parents. I freely admit that I have not studied the Bible in depth, that I can't quote scriptures at you and pelt you with guilt to steer you in one direction or another, but MY personal relationship with GOD leads me to believe that GOD does not intend for people to live so miserably. Adultery is wrong, I get that, but I think what is even more wrong is to live a whole life of lies... to live in a marriage for the sake of the marriage, your WIFE deserves better than that, she too deserves to experience the kind of love you have gotten to experience with brokenhearted. Even if you went NC with brokenhearted forever, your heart, your emotional self, is still conected to her in a way that you seem to feel you will never be with your wife. I see your choice to stay as being more cruel to your wife than a choice to leave. I would never tell you to leave your M for your OW, that is not my place, and leaving FOR someone else is never the answer, but I implore you to really talk to your wife, and see if she will really be content spending her life with a man who may never really love her, what a wasted life that seems to me.
hate2hurt Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 BB07, My W is not a communicator at all. She was one when I tried to open up discussion, she didn't talk about difficult issues. As with most A's, I didn't plan to start a relationship with brokenhearted. We worked together and really hit it off as friends. She listened to me and respected me and I felt great about myself for the first time in a very long time. Naturally, I fell head over heals for her and on her side of things, she was in a very unsatisfying marriage and I tried to be her marriage counselor to encourage her to work it out with him. (Messed up I know). Anyway, we started walking together after work and one day I decided to tell her how I felt for her. We were both torn apart by the guilt but pushed forward because there was just so much spark. You don't know how much hurt all of this causes till the hurt is done. If I had this to do over again I'd either have gone to marriage counseling or divorced my wife and looked to start a new life for myself. I understand that kids can't hold us together. It's just that I run a very big risk of losing my kids across a state border. This would absolutely devastate my life.
hate2hurt Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I am not proud of the way my relationship started with the man (former MM) I'm with and it's left us both carrying a lot of extra baggage and guilt and I realize that it further increases our odds of making our relationship work. I don't think there is ever a happy ever after ending to it. So do you think that you two can make it or is there too much damage from the past?
bentnotbroken Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 F**K him. Stay on here and write what you need to. Don't let him drive you away from getting support. Keep posting, get your post count up and then when you have PM privvies, you can talk about stuff more so he won't read it. To your exMM, you treat people like crap. With disrespect..It'll come back and bite you one day. I wonder if he has the balls to come post here. Probably not. I so love when you channel my thoughts:laugh: I remember Mr. Messy saying to me how this (and other) site kept me in the past and how no one on these sites understood the "real" story, the real story he was a punk (like the dude you dealing with) who doesn't like to be responsible for his actions. Blame it on the wife, the ow or God (that one made me fart when I laughed), punk with jello for guts. 1
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Well, I've already told him this, but I want to let you all know that I'm proud of him for having the courage to post. I'm obviously very biased because I am still completely in love, but I don't think going back to a loveless marriage is good for anyone. He comes from a family full of divorce and the regret that entails. I come from a family with no divorce and equal regret. Now that both sets of parents are older, his mom and dad are both remarried and have some degree of companionship. My parents are both miserable and see no point in living much longer. As far as custody goes, He is a great dad, and she couldn't take the kids across state lines if he had legal representation. His boys were never involved in the affair, and in our state infidelity doesn't effect custody unless there are extreme circumstances. I really don't know what else to say. This is no longer about my venting, so I'll just let you guys chime in and give us your input.
2sunny Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 BB07, You don't know how much hurt all of this causes till the hurt is done. If I had this to do over again I'd either have gone to marriage counseling or divorced my wife and looked to start a new life for myself. I understand that kids can't hold us together. It's just that I run a very big risk of losing my kids across a state border. This would absolutely devastate my life. who says you can't divorce and start a new beginning? sure you can, it happens all the time. it happened to me... life is much happier now that i have accepted that things start fresh and i have a new chance to understand what happy looks like for me. it changes everything - and i wanted to be sure it would be happy. you are here writing all kind words about your xOW and not nice things about your W. is this manipulation towards your xOW? sure looks that way. if you have chosen to be with your W - then fix what is wrong and quit complaining. IF you really intended to stay in your M you would now leave xOW alone... alone to heal and forget about you... but you are here manipulating and controlling her emotions by posting. it's also not fair to your W. commit to one or the other and leave the other woman to heal.
bentnotbroken Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Okay...so I'm this horrible bastard that heartbroken speaks of. I have enjoyed reading all of the one-sided posts with the exception of a few people with some insight. So any questions for me? From my side of things? Non-constructive need not reply. Dang I should have kept reading and addressed my last post directly. 1
2sunny Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Well, I've already told him this, but I want to let you all know that I'm proud of him for having the courage to post. I'm obviously very biased because I am still completely in love, but I don't think going back to a loveless marriage is good for anyone. He comes from a family full of divorce and the regret that entails. I come from a family with no divorce and equal regret. Now that both sets of parents are older, his mom and dad are both remarried and have some degree of companionship. My parents are both miserable and see no point in living much longer. As far as custody goes, He is a great dad, and she couldn't take the kids across state lines if he had legal representation. His boys were never involved in the affair, and in our state infidelity doesn't effect custody unless there are extreme circumstances. I really don't know what else to say. This is no longer about my venting, so I'll just let you guys chime in and give us your input. why are you defending and justifying his bad behavior? he's hurt you deeply and your defending him! stop it! stop being a doormat!!! tell him you're mad and hurt and you won't allow it anymore! now he's invading your privacy too! nothing is sacred - and he won't allow you even the decency to heal in a safe place...
norajane Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 You don't know how much hurt all of this causes till the hurt is done. If I had this to do over again I'd either have gone to marriage counseling or divorced my wife and looked to start a new life for myself. You don't get to do it over again. You've already caused the damage and the hurt, so now you have to deal with the mess you've made. But you're not dealing with it. You're making it worse. You've gone back to your wife and are supposedly trying to make that marriage work, yet you are still reading heartbroken's posts here and staying mired in the affair - thus KNOWINGLY CONTINUING the hurt to both heartbroken and your wife, kids and marriage. You still won't let hearbroken go to get on with her life. And you still won't be honest with your wife that you are continuing this affair by continuing contact with heartbroken. Why is this all about you? Do you really have no compassion for anyone else buy yourself? Man up and do the right thing by making a decision and sticking to it honorably. Stop dragging these women through your mess. Clean it up. 1
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 2Sunny, you're right about me justifying his behavior. It is because I know him very well and I understand what he is thinking for the most part. I'd rather him come on here and post than just be a vouyer. I don't want to be a doormat. Losing our relationship has been devastating for me, and I can't continue like this forever.
bentnotbroken Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Well, I've already told him this, but I want to let you all know that I'm proud of him for having the courage to post. I'm obviously very biased because I am still completely in love, but I don't think going back to a loveless marriage is good for anyone. He comes from a family full of divorce and the regret that entails. I come from a family with no divorce and equal regret. Now that both sets of parents are older, his mom and dad are both remarried and have some degree of companionship. My parents are both miserable and see no point in living much longer. As far as custody goes, He is a great dad, and she couldn't take the kids across state lines if he had legal representation. His boys were never involved in the affair, and in our state infidelity doesn't effect custody unless there are extreme circumstances. I really don't know what else to say. This is no longer about my venting, so I'll just let you guys chime in and give us your input. Input, in most states, the parent with custodial custody can move to another state if they can show a better (emotionally, financially more stable environment.) If a single parent can show a support system of others who will make life better for the children. Right or wrong, it is the case in most states. Input point 2, end if one way of the other. Neither of you have the right to play this game with someone else's life because the "feelings" you have are in control, and not logic or respect. Input point 3, God does not convict to cheat. He says adultery is wrong in any and all cases. Has from the beginning and I suspect will until the end. Input point 4, why not let the wife know about this board so she can get help and strangers to chime in on her life too since we are all sitting her discussing it?
hate2hurt Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 you are here writing all kind words about your xOW and not nice things about your W. is this manipulation towards your xOW? sure looks that way. if you have chosen to be with your W - then fix what is wrong and quit complaining. IF you really intended to stay in your M you would now leave xOW alone... alone to heal and forget about you... but you are here manipulating and controlling her emotions by posting. Sorry I didn't give kind words about my W...she is a very kind woman...she would never have cheated on me...she loves her kids...she loves me...she has never meant me harm...she is very sorry for things she has done even though I've told her that she has no reason to be sorry for anything. It just so happens that I lost attraction...why? I'm not exactly sure but I've had my reasons...everyone needs justification afterall. I'll leave her alone...people just said I didn't have the balls to come on here and like any other who comes here for help, I have lurked on these boards for over 2 years. I want help as well. I hijacked this thread and will start my own topics.
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I guess that's my final answer, huh? Nice way to deliver it. Gosh, I'm such a sucker!
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I understand that kids can't hold us together. It's just that I run a very big risk of losing my kids across a state border. This would absolutely devastate my life. No your kids can't hold you together, but they ARE a VERY good reason to atleast TRY to reconnect with your wife and make a good go of your marriage. FOR their sakes. THEY deserve to have a happy and loving home, two parents together in one home. Sounds like you really haven't given it your best, instead you cheated, and hurt not just one woman, but TWO. Even if your W isn't aware of the A, you're still hurting her.. And you're hurting heartb just as much. You cannot have it both ways.. Crap or get off the pot.. To stay where you are now, have two women to meet your needs, keep you happy is just plain selfish! Either divorce your wife, make custody arrangements with your kids or completely end your affair with heart and focus on your wife and fixing your marriage.
norajane Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I guess that's my final answer, huh? Nice way to deliver it. Gosh, I'm such a sucker! Well, that's why we generally advise NC when a MM goes back to his wife. Any further contact just keeps you living on hope, and ends with you crushed again and again, every time. You KNOW he went home to his wife. That was your final answer. Just because he reads your posts here doesn't change that.
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