Will he ever leave?

[scorpmale001]

when u left ur marriage for valid reasons, why do u bring that subject again and again(if u believe u left ur XH for valid reasons)....i.e your past leave it at that

 

coming to the present, what makes u think he is not into it for sex ?

cut the sex out of ur so called fairytale, then see how long it is going to lost....(if u do not understand this, then i would say u r dumb)

 

u already created enough amount of turmoil for ur children...keep them out of it(god knows how many dads and step dads they are going to see)

[torranceshipman]

Hi all! I found myself involved in an A with my best guy friend two years ago. I was married at the time, and so was he. We were close friends before we ever became romantically involved, and like many of you, this is somewhere I never thought I would be. I was honest with my H and eventually left--ironically, we get along better now than ever. He separated from his W shortly after I left, and we were, I thought, planning a future together. Like a fool, I let him become involved with my children who love him dearly. He was living with a relative during the separation, and when this relative said he could no longer stay there, he moved home and told me it was due to "conviction from God." This all happened about a month ago. During the past month, we have communicated via email daily and have met twice. I know that he entered panic mode when he found himself homeless, and went back because of that. I am convinced it is not "conviction" because he continues to tell me how much he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I don't question his love for me at all. I know he doesn't have the same feelings for his W. What I question is whether or not he is strong enough to leave. Am I a fool for continuing to hang onto every little shred of hope that I can? I feel so betrayed-- I know I deserve it, so please don't go there--because he moved me out of my house, played stepdaddy for 6 months, then vanished. He was my best friend, and I love him completely. I just can't seem to let go, and neither can he. Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? How often do MM who say they are going to leave actually do it??

 

If he went back to his W yet you don't question his love for you, then you are delusional. You need to be more realistic. He had a chance to be with you, and chose not to take it - he changed his mind and went back to his W. I think you need to move on. Sorry....

 

Oh...but to add - you could think of him as an exit A for your own unhappy M - because of the A you left a loveless M. But the A was only tempprary because he's a lying spineless idiot - so cast him off and celebrate this Christmas that you have a great future ahead of you with no man worries (single and happy) and a great man yet to come in your future.

Edited December 19, 2009 by torranceshipman
added info

[jj33]

Its not what you want to hear but you are getting good advice. You have to start picking up the pieces of your life and put them back together again.

 

There are too many women in your position on this forum to count. The man "leaves" (meaning he stops sleeping at the house he shares with W and children) but doesnt actually have a clear plan for his life post leaving.

 

he is staying with a relative, he is staying with a friend, he is staying with OW - all temporary until he gets to the next step and then BOOM his next step is back into his house with his W.

 

Seems to me that these situations are generally destined to fail because the MP has not clearly planned for his life post the marriage. He has left either because his W kciked him out, he left too suddenly or he left (tho he would never admit it to the OW) to see what life was like on the outside. He knew he loved OW he knew he wasnt happy in his marriage but he wasnt 100% sure of the decision or he would have created a stable situation for himself.

 

i am no expert on what happens when people leave but generally this seems to be a big red flag. Someone who is really leaving, for good would get an apartment, something, they wouldnt just leave and flop in someone's spare room while the dust settled except in exceptional circumstances and exceptional circumstances are rarely (not never but rarely) permanent.

 

So with that in mind, its time to pick yourself up. It wont be easy at first but you will do it.

 

And do NOT continue contat with him. Do NOT encourage this vaciillating. Then it is all about him - oh poor you so confused your convictions v. me. If he does not know that he wants to leave his marriage, then no amount of love for you is going to change that.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

 

Edited to add - yes sometimes love does move mountains but to move mountains you need the proper planning and equipment and a strong conviction that moving mountains is your first priority. None of that is there in the situations mentioned above. And to compound it too many women end up trying to convince or "show the man" (you know who you are) that they are making a mistake by staying with that "nasty" manipulative wife - which puts the OW in the same position as the W - both trying to tell this confused little creature where to go and how to tie his shoes before he leaves... PULEESE... do you want a grown man, or a child in a man's body... If this man is telling you he has to follow his convictions, believe him. And let him follow them dont you DARE be there running after him, or being strung along as an option. You are too good for that. And if you dont believe it today keep thinking on it until you do.

Edited December 19, 2009 by jj33

[Confused4Now]

Thanks for the encouragement, Confused4Now. I do not regret leaving my marriage. I also wanted to go for years, but was afraid to. This man was just the catalyst. In the long run, I'll move on and he'll still be miserable...his choice. Do you have children? If so, how have they adjusted. He seems to think keeping it together for the kids is the way to go, but I am a product of that and strongly disagree. My parents have been married 42 years, and they don't have anything in common. That's not a fun way to spend retirement years! My kids have adjusted very well, because xH and I have been very reasonable and creative with custody. Seeing mom and dad miserable all the time isn't good for the kids, IMO.

I was exactly where you were.....My MW was the catalyst for me to leave my marriage as well so you can say it was a exit affair. However it was my 14 year old daughter who talked to me about leaving a situation which even she saw which was very unhealthy. My kids are 22,20 and 14....are so happy to see I got out and all of them are with me most of the time. They also saw what my MW did to me as well. Which is why I started to date and live my life. So all I can say is do YOU focus on YOU and live your life. Focus on your kids.

[heartbroken1109]

Ok...so based on everyone's experienced advice, I'm cutting my lossess and moving on. He know's I'm the best thing he'll ever have, and it is his loss in the long run. I can't sit here and torture myself day after day; it isn't healthy. I love him completely and would take him back tomorrow if he left, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

 

I'm signing up for eharmony as soon as I finish typing this! Thanks for all of the objective advice. I'm so glad there are forums like this for people who need to hear from others who have been there.

[heartbroken1109]

Well, my time on this forum has come to an end. MM found my posts and we had an ugly conversation tonight about me feeling like a "sex toy." I think my logic was very clear...when you don't share day to day things together and I never receive so much as a phone call, feeling like an object of pleasure is to be expected eventually...am I worng? He said I won't ever have to worry about that again, because it won't ever happen again. It is really hard to hear someone you love be so hateful. I guess I'll always wonder now if it all meant to him what it did to me. This is the worst pain I've felt throughout this whole ordeal, but I know I brought it on myself. Do any of you know how I can delete my account? I'm not worried about everything that is already written, but there really isn't any point in writing anything else. Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

F**K him. Stay on here and write what you need to. Don't let him drive you away from getting support. Keep posting, get your post count up and then when you have PM privvies, you can talk about stuff more so he won't read it.

 

To your exMM, you treat people like crap. With disrespect..It'll come back and bite you one day.

 

I wonder if he has the balls to come post here. Probably not.

[Hazyhead]

I completely agree. The wonderful side of being done with this man means you no longer have to be manipulated by him. If LS has helped you, even a little bit, stay, keep posting and to hell with whether he reads your posts or not. What harm can it do you? If he tries to contact you to object, ignore him. I'm not saying that you should use it to get to him, as I don't think that would help you move on, just that he shouldn't be a factor in what you choose to do anymore.

 

Stay!

[hopeless4u]

I completely agree. The wonderful side of being done with this man means you no longer have to be manipulated by him. If LS has helped you, even a little bit, stay, keep posting and to hell with whether he reads your posts or not. What harm can it do you? If he tries to contact you to object, ignore him. I'm not saying that you should use it to get to him, as I don't think that would help you move on, just that he shouldn't be a factor in what you choose to do anymore.

 

Stay!

 

I agree with HH on this one. Stay.

 

I know that before DDay my xMM read my post's, he even registered but never had the balls to post!!

I too was going to stop posting but thought, if he is giving his W 100% to their M (which I believe he is) then he shouldn't be reading my post's anymore and if he is well thats not my problem!!

 

LS has helped ME so much, being able to share the thoughts that constantly run round my head. HE has done enough damage and I WONT let him take away something that is helping me heal.

 

Good luck to you

[heartbroken1109]

I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. Every once in a while I feel like I'll be ok without him, but most of the time I'm just completely devastated. I tried to sign up for Eharmony but couldn't go through with it. I'm just not there.

 

He is actually the one who told me about LS, and is now questioning my spirituality because of where I am getting advice. His personal attacks last night cut me to the bone...maybe that was his intention, idk. I'm every bit as spiritual as him, and his incenuations otherwise were extremely hurtful and spiteful. I'm not really looking for fabulous advice that is going to "fix" my situation. I have found some comfort in reading the accounts of others who have stood where I am standing, and when I so desperately want to write to him, I can vent on here instead. The way I see it is if I'm able to say something to one woman (or man) in the early stages of an A that causes them to rethink their situation and possibly avoid a lot of pain, then that is a blessing. I've read and re-read what I've written trying to figure out exactly what made him so mad and caused him to attack me personally...couldn't find anything. I've been completely honest and sincere in every post, and I don't see why he wants to cause more pain. The damage is done. The least he can do is allow my dignity to remain in tact.

 

He said he won't read my posts anymore, and I really don't see any reason to delete my account. After reflecting on all this today, it really made me want to reach out to naive women like myself before they get into such a situation. Of course hind sight is 20/20, but if I had read all of these accounts prior to getting attached to him, maybe I would've made better choices.

[heartbroken1109]

F**K him. Stay on here and write what you need to. Don't let him drive you away from getting support. Keep posting, get your post count up and then when you have PM privvies, you can talk about stuff more so he won't read it.

 

To your exMM, you treat people like crap. With disrespect..It'll come back and bite you one day.

 

I wonder if he has the balls to come post here. Probably not.

 

 

No, he won't post. What is PM? I'm assuming it's something along the lines of preferred member. How may posts do you have to write to get there?

[heartbroken1109]

I'm sorry for what you are going through heartbroken. It's nasty painful stuff.

 

I just wanted you to advise you to be careful if you are going to start dating soon. Please don't rush that, allow yourself time to really mourn, heal and truly move on. Get out and have some fun with guys and your girlfriends but understand that you are extremely vulnerable right now and your judgment about others is off kilter. That's why you need to take some time for yourself.

The reason I say this to you is because I did not do what I'm advising you to do and it has cost me plenty. I jumped out of the frying pan into a fire and it burnt me very badly and I've got the scars to prove it. Emotionally abusive men are very bad men.

 

Take care of yourself hon!

 

Thanks. You are right--I know I am very vulnerable right now. It probably is best that I put off dating for a little while. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I'm fortunate to have many girlfriends that are willing to occupy my time. I really don't want this whole situation to make me a bitter man-hater, so it's probably best that I avoid men for a while!

[norajane]

I've read and re-read what I've written trying to figure out exactly what made him so mad and caused him to attack me personally...couldn't find anything.

He probably didn't like it that you were questioning his "conviction from God", because he thought that you should just accept what he says as gospel without question.

 

And he probably didn't like it that the rest of us here see through his "conviction from God" stuff as manipulative crap to shut you up while he does whatever he wants to please himself.

 

And he probably didn't like it that we all think he's a manipulative, selfish ass - he doesn't want to see himself that way and doesn't like it that we have tried to open your eyes so that you can see him for what he is.

 

The fact that he is attacking you personally belies his so-called spirituality. A truly spiritual man would be wracked with guilt for his deceitful, selfish, and hurtful actions. A truly spiritual man wouldn't be questioning your faith and your actions - he would be questioning his OWN. This guy lied, cheated, manipulated, and hurt his wife and you for 2 years. Don't be too upset about him attacking you - a cornered animal will bite. He needs to face up to what he did instead of attacking you.

[heartbroken1109]

He probably didn't like it that you were questioning his "conviction from God", because he thought that you should just accept what he says as gospel without question.

 

And he probably didn't like it that the rest of us here see through his "conviction from God" stuff as manipulative crap to shut you up while he does whatever he wants to please himself.

 

I think he thought I was making fun of his conviction, which I certainly wasn't. However, I know him oh so well, and I know that there is a lot more to his returning home than that. He was dealing with some insecurities, no job at the time, no place to live, angry family members, approaching holidays and what to tell his kids... the list goes on. I'm really sorry that I evoked such anger in him, but I know there is more to the story. One person mentioned the "comforts of home."I think that pretty much sums it up. I'm generally a very ambitious person, and I realize that change is difficult, but clining to what is familiar isn't nearly as rewarding in the long run. Things don't always just fall in your lap; going after what you want requires effort and perseverance.

[heartbroken1109]

when u left ur marriage for valid reasons, why do u bring that subject again and again(if u believe u left ur XH for valid reasons)....i.e your past leave it at that

 

coming to the present, what makes u think he is not into it for sex ?

cut the sex out of ur so called fairytale, then see how long it is going to lost....(if u do not understand this, then i would say u r dumb)

 

u already created enough amount of turmoil for ur children...keep them out of it(god knows how many dads and step dads they are going to see)

 

I just realized I never responded to this. I really don't appreciate the arrogance and condescending manner with which you addressed my post. Have I royally screwed up...YES! Do I need to be called dumb and belittled by being told that my children will be exposed to many men...No thanks. I'm sorry for whatever experience in life has made you bitter. I joined this forum in an attempt to heal, and I do not appreciate your judgemental comments. I am a FABULOUS mother, and an overall good person. I realize that we all fall, we all sin, and no one sin is greater than any other. There is healing in forgiveness, FYI

[jennie-jennie]

No, he won't post. What is PM? I'm assuming it's something along the lines of preferred member. How may posts do you have to write to get there?

 

Personal message. From one member to another. You need 50 posts and 1 month membership.

[heartbroken1109]

Thanks for filling me in!

[heartbroken1109]

heartbroken, please read the sentence that I bolded over a few times. Don't believe for one minute that you evoked his anger, that is a bunch of BS that he is putting off on you!!!

 

You are stronger than you think and you will see through his BS very soon and you will free yourself of this, you deserved better. What's you've got with him is not warm and fussy, it's prickly and can leave scars.

 

Hugs.....

 

 

How funny. I always told him is was like a giant teddy bear...maybe I'm trying to hold onto a porcupine instead...I do feel like I'm being ripped to shreds. His W found out today about one of our meetings last week and she just looks the other way. I love him enough to hope that if he stays in that marriage he ends up with a relationship rather than a doormat. I know him well enough to know that he'll stray again otherwise. Today I thought about forcing myself to go on a date. Will it help or will it make things worse? I can't stand this pain anymore. I can't imagine feeling any worse, so what can it hurt? I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship, but maybe a distraction would help ease the pain.

[norajane]

Today I thought about forcing myself to go on a date. Will it help or will it make things worse? I can't stand this pain anymore. I can't imagine feeling any worse, so what can it hurt? I'm nowhere near ready for a new relationship, but maybe a distraction would help ease the pain.

 

It is so not fair for you to go on a date with anyone right now. Think of that poor guy who is on that date with you - do you really think he wants to serve as a distraction for your broken heart? Date guy is hoping to meet someone he can fall in love with, not waste his time on someone who is pining for some married guy.

 

If you need distractions, find your family and friends. Better yet, volunteer your time to a good cause that needs help. I'm sure this is a busy time at your church - help them with their food and clothing drives.

[heartbroken1109]

You're right, Norajane. I guess that wouldn't be very fair. I have plenty to keep me busy, but nothing makes me feel much better. I don't know why a date would be any different anyway!

[MizzBlue72]

I'm sorry heartbroken.

My take as an OW - if he loved you, he would be there with you. I know sometimes that is really hard for us to hear - but it's the truth.

MM can say anything they want, and we don't know if it is the truth.

[heartbroken1109]

That is really starting to sink in, MizzBlue. I talked to a dear friend today and was told to quit making excuses for him. It is complicated because we both have kids involved, but if he really wanted to make it work he could have. He didn't choose me...period. It kills me to look at it that way, but what's the point in calling an apple an orange? It is what it is.

[MizzBlue72]

You are getting it. I know how it hurts, but it gets better.

And NJ is so right about NOT dating another guy. Besides wasting the guys time, I found out (the really hard way) that once / if you placed xMM on pedestal, it's going to be really hard for someone to knock him off it. I tried this months ago. You are much better to NOT do this quickly.

 

And it takes a LONG time for the heart to heal...

[RedDevil66]

I'm sorry heartbroken.

My take as an OW - if he loved you, he would be there with you. I know sometimes that is really hard for us to hear - but it's the truth.

MM can say anything they want, and we don't know if it is the truth.

 

Aren't you a former OW?

[MizzBlue72]

Yes - I am a former OW. I should have posted as xOW ... sorry.