heartbroken1109 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Hi all! I found myself involved in an A with my best guy friend two years ago. I was married at the time, and so was he. We were close friends before we ever became romantically involved, and like many of you, this is somewhere I never thought I would be. I was honest with my H and eventually left--ironically, we get along better now than ever. He separated from his W shortly after I left, and we were, I thought, planning a future together. Like a fool, I let him become involved with my children who love him dearly. He was living with a relative during the separation, and when this relative said he could no longer stay there, he moved home and told me it was due to "conviction from God." This all happened about a month ago. During the past month, we have communicated via email daily and have met twice. I know that he entered panic mode when he found himself homeless, and went back because of that. I am convinced it is not "conviction" because he continues to tell me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't question his love for me at all. I know he doesn't have the same feelings for his W. What I question is whether or not he is strong enough to leave. Am I a fool for continuing to hang onto every little shred of hope that I can? I feel so betrayed-- I know I deserve it, so please don't go there--because he moved me out of my house, played stepdaddy for 6 months, then vanished. He was my best friend, and I love him completely. I just can't seem to let go, and neither can he. Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? How often do MM who say they are going to leave actually do it??
jwi71 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I don't question his love for me at all. I know he doesn't have the same feelings for his W. What I question is whether or not he is strong enough to leave. Am I a fool for continuing to hang onto every little shred of hope that I can? I feel so betrayed-- I know I deserve it, so please don't go there--because he moved me out of my house, played stepdaddy for 6 months, then vanished. He was my best friend, and I love him completely. I just can't seem to let go, and neither can he. Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? How often do MM who say they are going to leave actually do it?? How can you possibly entertain going back when he "Vanished" after playing husband and step-daddy? Sorry, but you had him and he left. He doesn't love you. His ACTIONS prove it.
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Perhaps you're right. Maybe I have to wake up and accept reality.
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Wow, so I just took the time to read through some of the older posts on this forum. I don't know what made me think my situation was unique or my love w MM was any different. I now see that they seldom do what they say they are going to do. It just peeves me that I left and took all of the necessary steps for us to be together and he steps back into his messed up marriage. I'm still holding onto a slight amount of hope, but it is fading rapidly.
norajane Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Stop seeing him. Just stop. Force him to decide what's important to him and what his convictions are. If you continue to see him while he stays with his wife, he really never has to make any kind of decision and will string you both along as long as he can. Now, as to why you want a man like that...?
norajane Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Wow, so I just took the time to read through some of the older posts on this forum. It just peeves me that I left and took all of the necessary steps for us to be together and he steps back into his messed up marriage. I'm still holding onto a slight amount of hope, but it is fading rapidly. It sure does seem like MM use the same playbook. The sooner women wise up and realize they are being fed all the same lines, and lies, the better.
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 ugghh...why is it so tough, and when will it get better? He was my best friend before we were involved. Sooo tough to give that up!
norajane Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 ugghh...why is it so tough, and when will it get better? He was my best friend before we were involved. Sooo tough to give that up! It's that kind of thinking that keeps you stuck. He is no longer your best friend. He hasn't been for a long, long time. Best friends don't treat you like he has. Best friends don't hurt you like he has. Best friends don't put you in the position of being the other woman and don't lie about you and hide you. Best friends don't turn you into a secret relationship and don't leave you hanging to go back home to their wives. Get that best friend thought out of your head. He's treating his wife like crap, and he's treating you like crap. Why? Because the only person he is thinking about his HIMSELF. He is lying and cheating and sneaking around and hurting people and deceiving everyone all so he can get what he wants how he wants it. It's all about him. That's not what best friends do.
jwi71 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 NJ stole what I was going to say. This man is not your friend. He doesn't ACT like a friend. I'm sorry you are learning this...it is a betrayal on so many levels to you and your children. Even worse...there's nothing to be said or done to minimize this pain and hurt. Try and enjoy your children (when they aren't driving you stark raving mad)...
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 This forum has really been encouraging so far. I really appreciate it now as my friends and family are quickly tiring of my relationship woes--quite frankly, so am I. I'm not sure I'm ready to go NC just yet (just being honest!), but I'm definitely moving in that direction. The simple fact that he got close to my kids then took off without a goodbye should be enough to make me walk the other way and never look back. I'm truly amazed at how many women have been exactly where I am. Maybe reading old posts for a few more hours will give me the strength I need to let go. I have to work in the morning, but I'm captivated by all of the similar stories. I don't think he has it in him to leave.
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 HB, women are so gullible. It is the same playbook that has been used for years by men, and the same playbook by women in affairs to feed their partners with lies only to get the kick of an affair. I bet you told you husband several lies why you need to leave the M. Why he is not the one you thought you love; why you don't think the marriage would work ... all to rationalise the affair. MM didn't move you from your house as stated, you did. You took decisions that led to that. You said you never loved your H - that is simply rationalisation, justification for the butterflies you are now feeling. You did love him at one point, prepared to marry him, have his kids ... and I bet he took care of you. I bet he sacrificed a lot for the family ... even little things that you see as meaningless that others would appreciate, i am sure he did. He may not be perfect, probably he has his issues, but who doesn't? I read your posts and said here we go again ... they never learn. I never loved H, but you were prepared to salvage your marriage. I know it is late for you as you have left your marriage, but at least sometimes harsh words can bring the best and make you think. Make you realise that you have made a huge mistake and know that you are being strung along by this so called best friend of yours. MM hardly leave their Ws. Men hardly get emotional carried away like women. Men subciously think about the long-term consequences of their conduct, why women so so in the short-term hence they quickly sacrifice their marriages on the misguided premise that they were never in love in the first place and that somehow God put the MM there as their soulmate. Where was MM before you got married? Now, where do you go from here ... you are half way there. In your head you know you are (were) being used by MM to fill his ego. You know he bailed on you, especially your kids who are getting confused by alll these. You know you should be making objective decisions on either salvaging your marriage even if divorced from your H for the sake of your children. You now need to get MM out of your system no matter how hard it is. I am sure others will give you valuable advice. Peace
fooled once Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Wow, so I just took the time to read through some of the older posts on this forum. I don't know what made me think my situation was unique or my love w MM was any different. I now see that they seldom do what they say they are going to do. It just peeves me that I left and took all of the necessary steps for us to be together and he steps back into his messed up marriage. I'm still holding onto a slight amount of hope, but it is fading rapidly. You don't get to blame HIM for YOU choosing to leave your marriage. That is on you - so own it. As for him ~ you really have NO IDEA what he feels for his wife, what his marriage is like, etc. You only have 'his version' of it all. And he certainly isn't going to tell you he loves his wife ~ to do so would mean no sex from you. So he is back home with his wife. And you are holding out hope why???? Oh, because he said "one day". Keep your children away from him. If YOU want to continue to live in the fantasy world, that's good. But don't drag your children into it anymore. You can wait for the next month or 3 years ... but I don't see him truly leaving and DIVORCING his wife. Actions speak louder than words. His actions were ~ when the going got tough, he ran home to his wife. What does that say to you?
Fallen Angel Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Just cause I am curious... if you are out on your own (no longer in your maritial home with your H) then why did he not move in with YOU when he was 'faced with being homeless'... I am confused... did you say NO to him moving in, or did he never view that as an option because he had been working to repair his M all along?
Woman In Blue Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) He was living with a relative during the separation, and when this relative said he could no longer stay there, he moved home and told me it was due to "conviction from God." I don't believe his story about the relative making him leave. I think he went home because he'd probably been talking with his wife without your knowledge about going back home. Alot of them do that - after they're out, they spend their time trying to get back home again. If he was separated, he was separated - the fate of his marital status wasn't dependant on his relative's hospitality in letting him stay at their house. That's ludicrous. No one returns to their spouse unless they WANT to. I think that "conviction from God" crap is just that - crap. I'll guarantee his wife has a DIFFERENT story as to why he came back home and I don't think "God" had anything to do with it. What I question is whether or not he is strong enough to leave. Well if he can't even fend for himself out in the world without having to move in with a relative, then I guess the answer is that he'll leave when his uncle or cousin or brother or great aunt has a spare room available. But I honestly believe he went home because he and his wife discussed it and WANTED it that way. Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? I think you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him leaving. Edited December 18, 2009 by Woman In Blue 1
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Just cause I am curious... if you are out on your own (no longer in your maritial home with your H) then why did he not move in with YOU when he was 'faced with being homeless'... I am confused... did you say NO to him moving in, or did he never view that as an option because he had been working to repair his M all along? Good question, and I agree. It doesn't sound like his relative kicked him out at all. It sounds like his W took him back, and so he moved back into the marital home. Boy oh boy do these guys lay on the drama, though. "Faced with being homeless"?!! LOL. So the OP has her own place that he already played stepdaddy in, but he was "faced with being homeless" and so he went "home".
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hi all! I found myself involved in an A with my best guy friend two years ago. I was married at the time, and so was he. We were close friends before we ever became romantically involved, and like many of you, this is somewhere I never thought I would be. I was honest with my H and eventually left--ironically, we get along better now than ever. He separated from his W shortly after I left, and we were, I thought, planning a future together. Like a fool, I let him become involved with my children who love him dearly. He was living with a relative during the separation, and when this relative said he could no longer stay there, he moved home and told me it was due to "conviction from God." This all happened about a month ago. During the past month, we have communicated via email daily and have met twice. I know that he entered panic mode when he found himself homeless, and went back because of that. I am convinced it is not "conviction" because he continues to tell me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't question his love for me at all. I know he doesn't have the same feelings for his W. What I question is whether or not he is strong enough to leave. Am I a fool for continuing to hang onto every little shred of hope that I can? I feel so betrayed-- I know I deserve it, so please don't go there--because he moved me out of my house, played stepdaddy for 6 months, then vanished. He was my best friend, and I love him completely. I just can't seem to let go, and neither can he. Will he ever leave his W, or will I continue to be strung along if I allow the contact to continue? How often do MM who say they are going to leave actually do it?? No, he will never leave for you. Its been a month and you've only seen him twice. I'm guessing that when the affair was in full swing, you saw him more often that that. He went home. He hasn't taken his ball yet, but he went home. He even vanished from your life. Honestly, I get the impression that you are initiating most of the contact. I mean, he VANISHED. He has even given you the "God" and "conviction" excuse. He must have done so because both of you are religious and he likely felt you'd start to back off if he used that. But you didn't. And here you ask if you are being strung along. I know I am assuming ALOT. And I am prepared to take it back and eat crow if I am. But I really get the impression that he is just doing a slow ending with you, and you are stringing yourself along by hanging on to his "love" for you. He VANISHED. He was "convicted by God". He went home. What else do you need to accept that he isn't leaving?
New_Life08 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I think your gut instinct is right, he doesn't have the strength to give up what is comfortable to him. I know you don't want anyone to "go there" with this, but if you want accurate advice; we will need to go there... He wants to keep having his cake and eating it too. here's a shocker for you...Love has nothing to do with it. Sometimes Love is not enough for some people to cash in a sure thing for a relationship that was built on deceit and betrayal. I am sure he loves you, but the way it evolved carries with it some powerful guilt. Whether he loves his wife or not is not why he went back. He went back because he feels it is where he belongs. You're right, it is sad that he got involved with your kids and they like him so much. If you really want to know where you stand, you need to give him an ultimatum. You cannot sit there in limbo while he decides what he should do, if he really wants to be with you, you should win hands down... All my best...I'm sure this isn't easy especially where kids are involved.
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 You are absolutely right. It isn't fair for me to continue to blame him for my divorce. I made the choice, and I still think I am better off out of the marriage. I often think it would be nice not to be alone, but I was alone in the marriage anyway. Another person's presence doesn't necessarily resolve lonliness. I'd love to hear what he is telling his wife. I guess that is one side of the story I'll never hear. He is a very religious man, and I know he is struggling with right and wrong. However, I think the real resons he went back are fear and lack of strength.
Confused4Now Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 You are absolutely right. It isn't fair for me to continue to blame him for my divorce. I made the choice, and I still think I am better off out of the marriage. I often think it would be nice not to be alone, but I was alone in the marriage anyway. Another person's presence doesn't necessarily resolve lonliness. I'd love to hear what he is telling his wife. I guess that is one side of the story I'll never hear. He is a very religious man, and I know he is struggling with right and wrong. However, I think the real resons he went back are fear and lack of strength.Wow this reeks of I left my marriage for the MM. I know for a fact it was the right or better choice when I left my marriage. Please focus on YOU and learn to be alone that is the hardest thing for me but I'm doing it and learning it. You shouldn't be thinking about anything you'd love to hear what he's telling his wife and the fact that he's not with you is cause he's weak!!!! I'm a man and I so happy I got out and I can look in the mirror and say wow i do have a spine!!!! My poor friends heard for so many years I wanted to get out and I was so scared. Stand up and be strong. You will survive.
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 As for the reason he didn't move in with me...I have three small children. I know I didn't behave appropriately when I had the affair, but I wasn't going to move him in that soon. I don't think it would have been fair to them. Well, I guess I need to update. We have seen each other twice this week, and we have remained in constant contact via email. One of the things I loved the most about our relationship was that sex was truly an expression of love and togetherness (this was a very new experience for me). During my years of marriage, I felt like little more than a sex toy to my xH. MM and I connectd on every level; he was my best friend and confidant. In addition, our relationship didn't become sexual until we had been together for a year or so. Now we can't communicate like we did. We can't talk on the phone, because his wife may find out. Our communication is limited to email, and it is very hard to have intimate conversation via email. When we meet, we have a few minutes or a couple of hours at most, and it is pretty much just about sex. I was ok with this initially, because I desperately wanted to be in his arms and hear him tell me he loved me. Today, I was disgusted with myself. He doesn't really want me to ask him any questions. He says he doesn't know what the future holds. I feel like I'm resuming the role of sex toy, and that is really not a role I want back. As for where to go from here, I'd love to say I'm going NC this minute. I'm just not there yet, but I'm getting closer every day. What I am doing is joining singles groups and at least entertaining the thought of finding someone else--a big step for me bc I thought this man was my future. I often wish he had the balls to fight for us, but it is becoming more and more apparent that I'm living in fantasy land. He will stay in his pitiful marriage for the sake of his kids. There isn't a doubt in my mind that years from now he'll regret this decision tremendously.
fooled once Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Why are you engaging in sex with him? You KNOW he isn't leaving his wife; come on, you KNOW it. He could have moved anywhere he wanted to and he chose his wife. That speaks VOLUMES. Why are you hanging on? It is so you aren't lonely? You do realize on Christmas morning he is going to be with his wife, right?
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 He may be your bestfriend, but you aren't his. ANY friendship, especially this one, hidden and away from EVERYONE isn't healthy. It's self serving and hurts other people, and most of all - YOU. Stop emailing with him and back off. Detach and exclude HIM from your life more and more..You don't "NEED" him, you want him, but you don't need him in your life. You were fine before he entered your life, you'll be fine again once you let go and begin your real grieving process so you can heal and go on with your life. FO is right, think of him at Christmas with his wife, his kids, his parents, siblings, inlaws, family friends...Hurts? Sorry to say this, but it's good if that hurts, you need to understand that HE has chosen to keep his family intact and only deal with you on HIS terms.
RedDevil66 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Yes, you are in a fantasy world. It sounds like the affair is way more pitiful than his marriage. He is the pitiful one! Only YOU have the power to stop this. He'll keep using you as long as you let him. 1
Author heartbroken1109 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Wow this reeks of I left my marriage for the MM. I know for a fact it was the right or better choice when I left my marriage. Please focus on YOU and learn to be alone that is the hardest thing for me but I'm doing it and learning it. You shouldn't be thinking about anything you'd love to hear what he's telling his wife and the fact that he's not with you is cause he's weak!!!! I'm a man and I so happy I got out and I can look in the mirror and say wow i do have a spine!!!! My poor friends heard for so many years I wanted to get out and I was so scared. Stand up and be strong. You will survive. Thanks for the encouragement, Confused4Now. I do not regret leaving my marriage. I also wanted to go for years, but was afraid to. This man was just the catalyst. In the long run, I'll move on and he'll still be miserable...his choice. Do you have children? If so, how have they adjusted. He seems to think keeping it together for the kids is the way to go, but I am a product of that and strongly disagree. My parents have been married 42 years, and they don't have anything in common. That's not a fun way to spend retirement years! My kids have adjusted very well, because xH and I have been very reasonable and creative with custody. Seeing mom and dad miserable all the time isn't good for the kids, IMO.
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