Fairly New Relationship, Old Anxiety

[Menos El Oso]

Hey everyone,

 

I've been a lurker around these parts for a few weeks now and decided to post with my own story. I'm in a fairly new relationship with a guy I met over the summer (we've been serious for about 4 months now), and over the past few weeks I've been having some serious relationship anxiety. I'm positive that I know where it comes from - my ex, who I was with for 1 year and 1/2 and who I traveled the world with, bla bla, that whole story, dumped me last year, and came back to me two more times before cutting it off for good in February. (I was too distraught and blinded by my love for him to make the right choice of NOT taking him back, but we all make mistakes...)

 

Point is, because my ex left me so abruptly each time, I'm SO worried that my new boyfriend will do the same. He's a much different person, a lot sweeter and more open with his emotions, which I appreciate, since I'm like that. He has a good heart and is a good person. But yet I'm afraid that, because my ex told me that his breaking up with me had everything to do with how I am, I'm convinced that there's some sort of quality in me that makes people who once loved me want to leave. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I've been worrying myself silly over this. And I'm afraid that, because of it, I'll come across as needy or too afraid that he'll leave me. I've never voiced these concerns, and don't really want to. I did mention once when we had a more deep conversation that it's been hard for me to connect with people since my last serious relationship, and he just said, "I understand," without asking questions. Point is, I don't want to seem like damaged goods with tons of baggage...but I do have a lot of baggage.

 

I made an appointment to talk with a counselor next week about these issues, because I think that I need to find a way to properly work through the pain of my last relationship and make sure it doesn't infect this one. So I suppose my question is...have any of you been through similar relationship anxiety? Do you have any advice? I would appreciate any thoughts at all.

 

Thanks so much.

 

-MEO

[quankanne]

nice pen name!

 

well honey, just one piece of advice: While there is probably room for improvement, don't take your ex's comments that it was completely "how you are" that killed the relationship. He's full of shxt. Every relationship has two parties involved, at the very least, so if there were problems, he added to them even though he refuses to admit it. He's being a chicken-shxt for dumping the blame all on you.

 

as for the new guy, just remember to give the relationship – and yourself – a chance. Just because your ex had problems (stemming from within, in response to whatever it was you did/didn't do) doesn't mean your new fellow will. Heck, he might be more "together" mentally and emotionally, and be capable of being in a loving, mature relationship.

 

as I said, there's always room for personal improvement, but unless you're a sociopathic maniac, you are not the one bearing full blame for a failed relationship.

 

on second thought, maybe your pen name should be "sín pendejo" :laugh::laugh:

[Menos El Oso]

Thanks for your reply Your suggestions make complete sense, and I suppose that the hard part is just "going with it" and letting it develop naturally. I'm just hoping for the best, and am looking forward to this meeting next week.

[quankanne]

yep, hope for the best ... and prepare for anything