Hazyhead Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Of NC. Not for any particular reason, but as the day has gone on I have become increasingly down. I emailed him last night about us trying NC and he was incredibly willing; he told me he needed it. After that, my strength has wavered, to say the least. The situation feels so hopeless and now I am so unbearably sad that I'll never see him again. I know that sounds crazy, after me posting the day before about going NC for my own reasons, but at the point I thought he might still want me. Pathetic, I know. So, today we have had no contact. I think he's going to keep to it as he has withdrawn from me these last few days anyway, as if he's been preparing himself. I'm not going to contact him, I know that, because I wouldn't want to become a problem. Plus, despite how I sound here, I still have a little bit of pride. However, on the way home from work the sadness overwhelmed me and I cried the whole 30 minute journey. At one point I even contemplated driving round to his house! How insane is that? It's killing me already. I don't know what to do with all this pain and the love I still feel. I can't bear the idea of every day being like this and I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better. Is this normal for NC? I don't remember ever hurting this much.
outofthedark Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I understand your pain. Even though going NC for you is the healthy way to approach this, you still in your heart want him to come running back. To choose you. To state his undying love and devotion. The thought of losing you will make him realize... sigh. Been there. Gave in and folded, regret it now. Hang strong, you can do this for YOU. Let your tears flow, they are healing tears if you let them be. Grieve the loss and do something, anything, that is just for you. My heart goes out to you
WhereToGoFromHere Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I so feel your pain...NC went for 21 days and then she broke it and then she started it again and then she broke it a few days later. I don't know if we're still NC or not. But I know that I'm not what she needs in her life, her family is what she needs. I know that good bye needs to come, and I don't contact her and won't contact her during these NC's. We have said good bye so many times now. Each one is worse than the other. I haven't gotten to the point yet where I don't respond if she initiates. I'm weak, I know. She drives this whole thing lately. I need to grow a backbone. NC's are horrible and I haven't had any success yet. All I can say is hang in there. Time heals it all so they say. Like you though, I can't see that through the horrible sadness I feel. Its like it will go on for ever, do you agree? Letting go of the love of my life....I'm sure I will grow from this some how, but I just can't see how yet. You will too. You're doing the right thing. I know I am too.
Author Hazyhead Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Thank you OftD. I'm trying.. the tears are coming well though :-/ There are so many triggers. I do think exactly in the way you said. I've been denying that to myself - telling myself that I don't need him and it's for the best, blah, blah, blah. If only my heart agreed. I do feel that too WTGFH. I feel like my hope is finally being extinguished before I'm ready for it to be. Its funny, two days ago I felt so sure I could do the NC, when it was coming from me, but him being so keen to have it has made go 'Oh... really? Er... ok." Kinda. Each one is worse than the other and this one feels different anyway. The others I felt he did far more reluctantly and he always came back. I'm dreading it. I feel like a pathetic person too, and I never have before, in my whole life! What the hell has happened to me? Him, I guess. Good luck to you too. I want so much for you to be right. I wish I could just say 'Sod him!'
NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I know exactly what your going through and it's very hard. Like you my XAP was ok with my decision but I had felt him being hot & cold for weeks. I feel like you pathetic also and I'm sure my XAP was enjoying every bit of that. I'm on day 6 of NC. I have felt actually OK with this so far except for the fact that he doesn't seem to care at all since he hasn't tried to contact me. I know Monday will be a hard day. He is schedule to come into my office for a meeting (we don't work at the same place but he sales to our company). So that will be I'm sure a very trying day. I can tell you I am married also and since I have gone NC things are better at home because I'm finally concentrating on my marriage . It's a long road I'm sure I tried to do this once before and failed but as the song goes "I'm up off my knees so why don't you stay" great song from Sugarland. Good luck to you and please keep me posted how it goes and I will also.
hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 feel your pain, I've done NC so many times and its the worst pain I've ever known. Be strong, no good comes of breaking it, no matter how much the both of you say 'we won't go back there', YOU WILL, believe me. I was given the same advice as I'm giving you now but obviously, as my latest thread tells, I didn't take it. It really is so hard (even though it helps) to read some of the advice written here and I know we all would like to think WE are different, most of us arn't. Be strong and keep posting. x
lovekillsslowly Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Continue with NC. I know it's terribly hard! I'm having an emotional day today too...can't quit crying....I have begun NC again....I'm determined to keep it this time. Nothing good comes to me, mentally or emotionally when I continue to break it time and time again. Don't be a fool like I was and continue to give him chance after chance because eventually he will decide he is completely done and doesn't need you anymore and he will end it once and for all. And then you will sit around, like I'm doing, thinking about all the times he called begging for a second, third, fourth chance and you gave it to him time and time again and what did it get you???? It got you sitting there all alone and miserable while he has chosen to work on his marriage. That was my result. Hugs to you and stay strong. You are doing the right thing for yourself even though you wish you were dead right now.
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Out of respect for him, do the NC and don't break it. And, don't do a driveby his house.. He needs the NC as much as you do, so stay strong. Keep posting here when you feel the urge, or write an email to him for theraputic reasons only, don't hit send.
jwi71 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I almost agree with WWIU. Do out of respect for YOU. Remind yourself why you are going NC....
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I almost agree with WWIU. Do out of respect for YOU. Remind yourself why you are going NC.... I was going to say the same thing. Not out of respect for him. Out of respect for YOU. You gave your word, now you need to stick to it. Its not easy, but anything less is basically saying you are willing to accept less than you want. And that is not the message NC is supposed send.
Author Hazyhead Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I can't remember why I'm doing the NC, only that now he very much wants it too, and that is now enough for me regardless of my reasons... which I'm sure were good! They'll come back to me soon. If he desperately wants NC, he has it. I can't help but think 'Is he thinking of me? 'Does he miss me?' and all those kinds of questions, but I know I have to move past them too. I will not play the part of the 'evil temptress' and try to win him back because he was never mine at any time, even when he told he wife he was leaving and started splitting their assets. It's done and it hurts like hell. Thank you all so much for your support.
atlnay Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 It's killing me already. I don't know what to do with all this pain and the love I still feel. I can't bear the idea of every day being like this and I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better. No real words of advice. Just wanted to offer you a BIG HUG. From one pained OW to another:(
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