serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 i have posted quite a bit about being a recovering jealous gf... i just wanted to share my POV on this situation... about a year ago, when we first started dating, my bf innocuously gave me his email password because he was cooking/working and had sticky stuff all over his hands and wanted to check his email... anyway, little did he know that i have the memory of an elephant when needed... and i remembered his password and ever after i kept checking his email.... at first it was pretty obsessive and i would tell him about it / confront him about things i found that were "suspicious"... needless to say, this caused a lot of conflict between us and he felt invaded, but he would not change his password, because he said he should just be able to trust me anyway, in the few months, i have greatly improved my jealous ways and although i still check his email (it's a compulsion and i admit it's wrong) i don't tell him about it or ask about it - i guess it's an improvement because i know it's wrong for me to be doing it... i.e. it's MY problem.... well, we usually spend pretty much every night together, and as a gf i am very lovey-dovey, attentive, etc. well, last week, i was feeling unappreciated because he doesn't like kissing (this has always been the case - personal trauma of his), but he also was feeling sick and was just being very distant, etc. i started to feel like a puppy that was constantly following him around and i sort of peaced out for a few days (which turned into almost a week)... during that time we sent each other short emails (initiated by him) and he called/texted me a couple of times to which i promptly and politely replied (though i admit my responses were short but not curt IMO)... i made plans to see him last friday night but then things came up and i ended up going to a party and getting totally smashed. while there, i called him up and let him know and then for some reason i called again and he didn't pick up. i called him quite a few times and he eventually turned his phone off. then, i used my phone to get on his email and discovered he had CHANGED HIS PASSWORD - at the time i was totally pissed the next day i went over there and brought him breakfast. his place was all cleaned up and i explained my point of view (that i felt unappreciated, like i was being too much, i wanted to work on my own stuff - which i did, i went to the gym a lot, was busy with projects, etc.) and he told me that he had actually been of the mentality that we were breaking up and was sort of preparing himself to accept that. i was shocked because that's totally not what i was thinking anyway, sorry for the uber-long post... that got out of hand fast... since, we have totally worked through it and have spent every day together since but my point for this post is that i am actually so GLAD and RELIEVED that he changed his password!! because the fact of the matter is that i totally trust him.... i just have my own compulsions/baggage to work on! so i guess i wanted other perspectives on this situation but also the rest of it where I decided to back off... i'm seeing that i should have approached it differently... he said i should have communicated ahead of time that that's what i wanted to do which i admitted was a mistake on my part.... i guess even though he is very reserved and often doesn't reciprocate my affections could it be that my BF actually likes the way i am? lovey dovey, etc...? should i find a happy medium? should i back off? thanks!! sgf
Yukikazi Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 He will only tolerate your lack of trust so far.. The fact that he was expcting a break up shows he is reaching the end of his rope.. Unless you shape up.. he will ship out.
Bejita463 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 The fact that he was expcting a break up shows he is reaching the end of his rope. The password change made me wince for that reason, actually.
DustySaltus Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 i am actually so GLAD and RELIEVED that he changed his password!! because the fact of the matter is that i totally trust him.... I'm just going to be completely honest with you and say that for everything that I've read on LS since I've been here this is the most BS statement I have ever seen. I'm glad you are working on your issues but please don't say that you "totally" trust him. You kept bringing up things that you saw and didn't like and he kept telling you it was nothing and only now he's changing his password. He may be at the end of his rope and to be honest it's justified.
Author serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 thanks guys for the input... always good to get some outsiders' perspective... yes now that you guys mention it i guess it should make me more concerned than it did that he is "at the end of his rope" as you put it... actually, could you guys clarify what you mean by that? what do you think has brought him to the end of said rope? the fact of the matter is that in the past few months our relationship has been getting much stronger, he's been letting his guard down (he is very overprotective of his feelings/heart due to a traumatizing prior relationship that lasted 8 years)... i guess what makes me feel better is that after we talked things through when i came back, and it was a long talk, he went back to being affectionate, etc. it's been a few days and we are back on track i feel... however i have learned that i will be more communicative and decisive from now on... my problem is that when i feel bad about him not reciprocating my affectionate, etc. i just back off without explanation for a few days instead of talking to him about it and letting him know that i'm going to do my own thing for a couple of days I'm just going to be completely honest with you and say that for everything that I've read on LS since I've been here this is the most BS statement I have ever seen. I'm glad you are working on your issues but please don't say that you "totally" trust him. You kept bringing up things that you saw and didn't like and he kept telling you it was nothing and only now he's changing his password. He may be at the end of his rope and to be honest it's justified. wow... the MOST BS statement you've EVER read on LS?? those are pretty strong words... actually, you're right.. sometimes i type just how i speak and i guess i meant that more in a valley girl TOTALLY kind of way... in any case i feel like i SHOULD totally trust him... obviously i don't otherwise i wouldn't snoop... to your second comment, i don't think its totally accurate because you don't have enough background info to say that "i keep bringing things up that i saw and didn't like and he kept telling me it was nothing"... that's not what happened nor is that what i said in my OP.... i did bring things up but really my complaints weren't warranted... it all comes down to the fact that i shouldn't have snooped in the first place... if you must know it was him signing letters to female friends with xoxo or him writing his ex and saying "i think of you often"... this was months ago, when we'd been dating for about six months and honestly, as i advised, Alf on his posts, i should not have been snooping or trying to control him.... i am glad to hear your comments though, like i said, always good to hear others' input
Author serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 i think i said too much in my original post (which is fine and i continue to appreciate feedback on all i said) but i think my point, which i sort of digressed from, is that i am truly GLAD that my bf changed his password - i feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders and like i am being given a new opportunity to truly trust!! it's really made my feelings for him grown in the past few days!!
DustySaltus Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 to your second comment, i don't think its totally accurate because you don't have enough background info to say that "i keep bringing things up that i saw and didn't like and he kept telling me it was nothing"... that's not what happened nor is that what i said in my OP.... i did bring things up but really my complaints weren't warranted... I'm just reading what you said: anyway, little did he know that i have the memory of an elephant when needed... and i remembered his password and ever after i kept checking his email.... at first it was pretty obsessive and i would tell him about it / confront him about things i found that were "suspicious"... needless to say, this caused a lot of conflict between us and he felt invaded, but he would not change his password, because he said he should just be able to trust me The biggest problem with checking someone's email is that you can take things out of context. Everyone has to have their own private place to go to. I wish you the best though, at least you know what you need to work on.
Author serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I'm just reading what you said: The biggest problem with checking someone's email is that you can take things out of context. Everyone has to have their own private place to go to. I wish you the best though, at least you know what you need to work on. yes yes i think we are on the same page... i was just saying that he didn't say it was "nothing"... that just made it sound like he was trying to cover up or hide something... i agree with you 100% that checking someone's email can lead to taking things out of context... which is why i'm glad that that's no longer an option for me! my bf is actually pretty much an open book as am i i appreciate your kind thoughts!! i think i am on the road to recovery!!
Adunaphel Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I admire you a lot for the way you reacted when your bf changed his password. I am very glad that you sorted out the situation... sometimes it is just too easy to get the wrong message or the wrong idea, luckily you got to talk before the misunderstanding could cause real damage!!
Bejita463 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 (edited) yes now that you guys mention it i guess it should make me more concerned than it did that he is "at the end of his rope" as you put it... actually, could you guys clarify what you mean by that? what do you think has brought him to the end of said rope? I can clarify, and I can tell you what I think did it, yes. You probably won't like it much though. I've had a partner that didn't trust me. No matter what I did, the exact same issues kept popping up. Issues that, had she trusted me, would not have been an issue the first time, let alone the 20th (not an exaggeration). There comes a point where, had I actually been consistently lying, she should have just made a choice of whether she believed my answer or not. That point was the first damn time she made an accusation. You probably have no idea how frustrating, insulting, and mentally/emotionally draining it is to be constantly reminded that the one person who, above all others should trust you... who should value you, doesn't. It's bullcrap. It hurts. It can only be taken for so long. When I changed all of MY passwords, that was the point the relationship was over in my mind. It limped along a little longer after, but it was over. My patience was gone. The question I would be asking myself were I you, is what my partner's patience level is at right now. Edited December 16, 2009 by Bejita463
Author serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 ah okay i'm catching what you're throwing now bejita... i am pretty sure we long passed the point of which you are referring to... my bf and i actually broke up in april and over the summer were working things out and that is sort of when we went through what you're talking about... where he was fed up that i didn't trust him ever since about july i haven't told him that i've checked his email. i've done it more as a compulsion, an uncontrollable addiction of which i am ashamed, and thus don't admit to him. so actually, i really don't think he knows i've checked his email since about july even then, when he knew i checked his email, he never changed his password IMO, and i may be wrong so i do appreciate other viewpoints, he changed his password because in his mind we were breaking up i have been wanting to "trust" him and stop checking his email for months now, i just haven't been "able" to do it because since i know his password i kept doing it compulsively (i do know though that it is a matter of self-control, which i lack thus i put able in quotes). now that he finally changed it i feel a relief that i can start my plan of not checking... now i just hope he doesn't slip up and give it to me again i do appreciate your point of view and hear what you're saying.. i hope i have clarified where bf and i are in our relationship
Author serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 i also wanted to clarify that our recent problem/miscommunication where he considered us as being on the road to breaking up had nothing to do with my snooping... i really don't think he knew i was and i haven't mentioned it... i also haven't mentioned that i know he changed his password and by god i don't plan on doing that!
DustySaltus Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Serial: So you broke up back in April because of Trust Issues and you continued to check his email without him knowing it since July? I don't see how this can work if you just kept doing it. I also think that there has to be another reason to him chnaging his password now. He's probably talking to someone else he doesn't want you to see....
Bejita463 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 ever since about july i haven't told him that i've checked his email. He knows. He wouldn't have changed the password if he did not. even then, when he knew i checked his email, he never changed his password He wasn't sick of it then. IMO, and i may be wrong so i do appreciate other viewpoints, he changed his password because in his mind we were breaking up He probably isn't entirely certain that this still is not the best course of action, if he is anything like I am. Just sayin', the storm may not have passed so easily as you believe. i have been wanting to "trust" him and stop checking his email for months now, i just haven't been "able" to do it because since i know his password i kept doing it compulsively Not trying to be rude, but I don't buy that. Neither will he. If you couldn't stop on your own, you could have had him change it any time. i do appreciate your point of view and hear what you're saying.. i hope i have clarified where bf and i are in our relationship I think you have, but I do not believe you and I are seeing the same things. You know him better than I, so it is possibly you are right, but I think you are being dangerously dismissive of his feelings here. It isn't a big deal to YOU, so you seem to be assuming it isn't to him. I'd bet a lot on that he does not agree.
Author serialgf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Bejita, I do hear what you're saying... I should have stated earlier that I actually did ask him to change his password MULTIPLE TIMES in the past and he REFUSED, stating that he should be able to trust me to not check his email. I must admit, I don't know why he changed his password this time, however, knowing him as well as I do, I truly believe he by now he would have told me if it was because he knew I checked.... however, i can't deny that you may be right and trust me I will take into account what you are saying... which is why I am glad that he changed it... this way i can actually stop checking his email... To me, the only plausible reason for him to actually change his password is because he was "retaliating" for me "breaking up with him"... he has these sorts of passive-aggressive tendencies I appreciate your feedback!!
insecureeeyep Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I had asked my boyfriend to change his password as well but he also refuses. I haven't snooped on him since I posted that thread and it feels good. Also, the compulsion to check it is minimal compared to screaming loud because I got out of the habit. Anyway, I hope things continue upward for you.
Author serialgf Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Serial: So you broke up back in April because of Trust Issues and you continued to check his email without him knowing it since July? I don't see how this can work if you just kept doing it. I also think that there has to be another reason to him chnaging his password now. He's probably talking to someone else he doesn't want you to see.... Dusty: We didn't break up because of trust issues. We broke up because he wouldn't have sex with me or kiss me due to his past traumas and I just couldn't take it anymore. I am afraid that he's talking to someone else too, but really it just doesn't fit who he is. He is not the type to stick around. I would ask him but i don't want him to know that I know he changed his password. Really what it comes down to for me is trust.... That may sound naive but i've been through a lot with a lot of relationships and I just want to trust.... It feels good...
Recommended Posts