Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I had a fantastic first date on Monday. I really like what I know of this guy. Of course, I've only known him for a few days, but we connected so well and I really, really like his personality/style. We had such good conversation and I've never met anyone that I could talk so openly with. We live on the same wave length or something. Of course, I am committed to being more open about myself now, but he was the perfect date to start doing this with. The thing is this: he doesn't live here in my area. He lives 3-4 hours away. So I took the date as just a date while he was in town. We both acknowledged that we enjoyed the company. I thought it would end at that. Silly me. ALSO... I didn't know what age he was prior to the date. I thought he would be about 10 years older than me, not 15! That's a big age difference. I really thought he was mid-30's. But it felt so good to be with him. I just know that the distance and the large age difference does not make us a good match. So.... He wants to go out Saturday. I would go on the second date but considering the two things above (distance, age) I don't want to really go on that second date. I DO want to go because I really enjoyed his company and think he's an amazing man, but I DON'T want to go because I don't want to lead him on or anything. Oh. And he's driving all the way back home today and then coming back to my area on Saturday for this date. I don't really know what to make of that. But I need to tell him no. But how? We already agreed to meet on Saturday, but then once we hung up I was feeling really, really silly about this. I don't want him driving in for a second date. And I already know I could develop feelings for him and I rather stop now before that happens. I just don't want to encourage this, and need to say no. Or maybe I should just relax, enjoy the date and see what happens?? Maybe he's having second thoughts, too, and we just need to talk. I need to find the words..... Any advice/tough love/wisdom is always appreciated.
jerbear Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 1) What is your woman's intuition saying? What you feel is usually right. 2) 15 years is big difference and 3-4 hours of drive time is kinda far to be honest. The time and distance can be remedied. A guy can pretty much have children anytime so the age difference is nothing. Now the kids part well it is his call, does he want to have a teenager when he is 65?
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 1) What is your woman's intuition saying? What you feel is usually right. 2) 15 years is big difference and 3-4 hours of drive time is kinda far to be honest. The time and distance can be remedied. A guy can pretty much have children anytime so the age difference is nothing. Now the kids part well it is his call, does he want to have a teenager when he is 65? 1) My intuition actually wants to just go with the flow. I'll go on a second date with him no problem. I just feel bad that he's going to have to drive into town for that, so my REASONING is telling me something different. There's no right or wrong her, I'm just trying to brainstorm a way how to handle this.... 2) Yes, the age difference is a bit much but I don't know how to tell him no now. I goofed. I'll have to pick up that phone and talk to him. Guess I'm just trying to find the right words and the courage.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Here's what I need to tell him, just not so blunt: "The age difference is too much. You're crazy for offering to drive 3-4 hours for a second date. I could probably fall for you, don't tempt me. I don't want an LDR. I really enjoyed your company and think you're amazing. I do want to see you again, but the distance is a deal breaker. Let's just cancel going out on Saturday." Now how am I suppose to say that nicely? That's the real dilemma. .... I'm feeling scared, too, and hope I'm not just pushing him away. But I think I have good reason. The distance and age difference are dealbreakers.
jerbear Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 If you don't want to lead him on, then be direct and to the point. He is not a teenager or an young adult. He will be hurt but no matter what it will hurt.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 If you don't want to lead him on, then be direct and to the point. He is not a teenager or an young adult. He will be hurt but no matter what it will hurt. Okay. Got it. Of course. I'll have to say what I need to say. I honestly didn't think we'd get along so well. There goes my whole dating for social enjoyment only idea..... because I really would want to see him again and date him. Just have to say no to this one. sigh. He sent me a text this morning with a nice message to it.... I'm thinking of sending a text back saying, "Having second thoughts about driving in for Sat? :)" Then I'll call him later and just be direct.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Am I flaking on him?? oh noooooo......... I'm just so afraid of this second date! Why bother, right? Well, maybe I could do it and we could just be good friends. But I don't know if he's driving 3 hours to find a friend... Guess I just need to call him and get on the same page. ugh. There are no right words, I'll just have to do it. or just shuddup already and go on the second date for crying out loud???? LOL. THIS IS PATHETIC!
jerbear Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Go on the second date, maybe you'll feel different. Honestly, go on the second date then figure it out.
bberryguy Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Here's what I need to tell him, just not so blunt: "The age difference is too much. You're crazy for offering to drive 3-4 hours for a second date. I could probably fall for you, don't tempt me. I don't want an LDR. I really enjoyed your company and think you're amazing. I do want to see you again, but the distance is a deal breaker. Let's just cancel going out on Saturday." Now how am I suppose to say that nicely? That's the real dilemma. .... I'm feeling scared, too, and hope I'm not just pushing him away. But I think I have good reason. The distance and age difference are dealbreakers. I would drop the "crazy" comment - or phrase it as "it's crazy to have to drive that far for a date". Other than that, go with what you posted. Guys hate it when women beat around the bush just to spare their feelings.
carhill Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Any advice/tough love/wisdom is always appreciated. Don't date people, even once, who are outside of your age and/or geographical range. Be clear with yourself about what those parameters are. Ask. If he lies when you ask, then he's done anyway. With this one, 'you're older than I thought and tbh the distance is just too much for me'. Also, my instinct is he's not being completely honest about something else, his relationship status. A 40 year old man generally isn't that eager to get away from home base. Tell me, when you met him, was he in town on 'business'?
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Go on the second date, maybe you'll feel different. Honestly, go on the second date then figure it out. So I think I'll call him, talk about it, but still be open for a second date. I would drop the "crazy" comment - or phrase it as "it's crazy to have to drive that far for a date". Other than that, go with what you posted. Guys hate it when women beat around the bush just to spare their feelings. Well it is crazy to drive that far for a date, but he does travel a lot so maybe it's not really a big thing to him. But you're right, I won't say he's crazy.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Don't date people, even once, who are outside of your age and/or geographical range. Be clear with yourself about what those parameters are. Ask. If he lies when you ask, then he's done anyway. With this one, 'you're older than I thought and tbh the distance is just too much for me'. Also, my instinct is he's not being completely honest about something else, his relationship status. A 40 year old man generally isn't that eager to get away from home base. Tell me, when you met him, was he in town on 'business'? I thought he was about the same age or younger even than the ex who was 12 years older. But yeah, I'll have to watch that. I do attract older guys which is strange because I actually look very young. Kinda creepy when you think about it. lol As for his relationship status, I think he's clear. He talked about how he was successful in his life and then said something like, "oh, well, I don't have a relationship but...." He was in town for a seminar, that's where we met. A central point in this seminar is about integrity, so it'd be awful if he wasn't being honest with me on that. In other words, he got nothing out of his time and money this last weekend. lol. No, I think he's clear, but if we do go out on the second date, I'll gently inquire about what his real relationship status might be. I already gently told him I've been single for 3 months. I'm so good.
carhill Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Successful in life, doesn't have a relationship, integrity.... OK, sounds good. Let us know how the second date goes. My palms would be sweating if you were my daughter, TBH.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Thanks everyone. When you post in it really does help me. It's so silly to post my stuff on here, but sooo helpful. I've got my head straight again. I know what I need to do. Thanks again for your helps.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 I was so weak. He called me first yesterday to talk and catch up. It was nice talking to him. Then the Saturday date was brought up. I talked about how it was too far. "Are you sure you don't mind?" No, he didn't mind. ugh. So I have to drill it in my head that the distance is a real dealbreaker. Will have to try again to get the message across. It's so stupid, because I DO want to see him again! Guess I have to put those feelings aside and get the real message through my head, and his: THE DISTANCE IS A DEALBREAKER. Okay, think I'm really ready to tell him now.
Confusedalways Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 why is the distance a deal breaker? I mean-- I get the obvious, but if he's willing to make the drive and you really like each other, I see no harm. Maybe you should go with the flow and be open to it rather than shooting it down. Talk about your concerns, see what he has to say. You might be surprised!
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 why is the distance a deal breaker? I mean-- I get the obvious, but if he's willing to make the drive and you really like each other, I see no harm. Maybe you should go with the flow and be open to it rather than shooting it down. Talk about your concerns, see what he has to say. You might be surprised! Well, I just don't want a LDR. And that on top of the 15 year age difference..... (I'm 27, he's 43) I just rather move on now than later. I've just never met a guy that I could relate so well with spiritually. I know that sounds weird, lol, but it's true. Who I am spiritually is a big part of who I am. I tried to deny it, and my ex was not spiritual at all, but now I'm embracing this part of me and re-developing myself in that area. We shared so much on the first date with each other. I opened up about things that I've never opened up before on a date before. For example, I went to live with nuns for a year as part of my spiritual journey. That was a big part of my life, a big part of who I am. It's difficult sharing that. It's difficult even just writing that out on this board. We talked about a lot of spiritual stuff (thinks like "energy" and "being" and other ideas that mean so much to me) and not only did he understand but he himself was living what I am only grasping. I'm in love with certain ideas and he was living that. So it's just a deep and unique level that we connect on. And that's very rare, i think. It isn't necessary to connect on that level, but when you do it just seems so right, so easy. BUT............. eh. what can I say, other than that, in the real physical world it's not an easy match. So I'll just write this one off. We'll talk about it though. I'm just kinda scared at "seeing what happens" with this one, really. I want to shut it down. That's my automatic response. ugh. So while the LDR and the age are just excuses, at least they're good ones.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 The age factor should matter. distance? sure...but keep it as casual as you can and go out with him a few times. maybe one of you end of moving....maybe he's your soul mate. i wouldnt put a dagger in this because of age, that's for sure. from what you write, I can tell you are in to him. why deny yourself this? if he's driving, let him drive. I say go for it.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 How did you meet this guy? Why did either of you agree to a first date with someone who lives 4 hours away??? I'm with carhill -- I am suspicious of this guy's relationship status and his intentions. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but what you have written here is setting off my spidey sense!
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) How did you meet this guy? Why did either of you agree to a first date with someone who lives 4 hours away??? I'm with carhill -- I am suspicious of this guy's relationship status and his intentions. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but what you have written here is setting off my spidey sense! He was in town for this seminar and that's where we met. I was assisting and he was attending. It was pretty impressive that he would walk over to where I was at and start up a conversation. I was with the production team and he comes up by himself..... I liked that. Anyway, I really didn't pay much attention to him but he kept wanting to talk and stuff. Then he asked me out. I agreed because, well, he was from out of town, right? It wouldn't be anything serious. We'd just enjoy the company. Maybe he thought the same. So I go out on this date totally not expecting this outcome. I really, really enjoyed his company, really would like to get to know him and see him more. We got along so well that when we were parting he remarked how things were going so fast. He gave me this sweet kiss on the side of my lips and we left. It was sweet. Such a shame he lives so far away, and that there is this large age difference! As for what his real status might be.... I trust him that he's available, but yeah I shouldn't assume. If we get around to that second date, I'll see about picking up on his relationship history as appropriate. Edited December 17, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 A guy can pretty much have children anytime so the age difference is nothing. Um. No. That's a misconception. It isn't wise to depend on a man's sperm forever unless you really don't care what kind of kid you end up with. In theory, YES, he could have children - but risks increase as the man gets older for genetic defects. So I guess if you are just looking to reproduce and don't care about quality - SURE - the man can reproduce for a long time. Irresponsible. http://pregnancyandbaby.sheknows.com/pregnancy/baby/Sperm-DNA-damage-affects-fertility-5541.htm http://www.preconception.com/articles/trouble-getting-pregnant/old-sperm-die-hard-1443/3/ http://how-old-is-too-old.blogspot.com/ (higher risks of: autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, low IQ, miscarriage) http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/44641.php
Ruby Slippers Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Um. No. That's a misconception. It isn't wise to depend on a man's sperm forever unless you really don't care what kind of kid you end up with. In theory, YES, he could have children - but risks increase as the man gets older for genetic defects. So I guess if you are just looking to reproduce and don't care about quality - SURE - the man can reproduce for a long time. Irresponsible. http://pregnancyandbaby.sheknows.com/pregnancy/baby/Sperm-DNA-damage-affects-fertility-5541.htm http://www.preconception.com/articles/trouble-getting-pregnant/old-sperm-die-hard-1443/3/ http://how-old-is-too-old.blogspot.com/ (higher risks of: autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, low IQ, miscarriage) http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/44641.php Thank you for pointing this out. I am so glad that science is finally proving that it's not just women whose reproductive faculty experiences a sharp decline around age 40 -- it's men's, too. I believe it's in the best interests of women, for SO MANY REASONS, to educate themselves and others on this matter. This is it in a nutshell (haha, pun), from your third link: Evidence is piling up that men, or at least our reproductive parts, have a "best before" date. Not only is it harder to create a pregnancy after the age of 35 or 40, researchers are finding that our sperm quality decreases with age. This can result in a higher-than-normal incidence of offspring with schizophrenia, autism and low IQ, as well as an increased chance of miscarriage.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Well, Mr. Out of Towner was quite willing to drive in today still, so I kept the date. I can't say I'm really looking foward to it though. I do want to see him again, and just see what our interaction will be like this second time around. I'm thinking I just need an attitude check. So I'm airing out here. haha I'm not excited about dating anyone who lives 3 hours away, or someone who's 15 years older. But our first date was so amazing, and I'm so interested to find out more about who he is, that I continue to leave the door open. It's just a second date, and he really thought the drive was like nothing. So I'll get over this and just have a good time tonight. Just can't seem to want to take it seriously though. oh well. Another date for social enjoyment. lol. I'll see, I'll see. I'll see just how amazing it is tonight. Kind of hoping there is no charm this time and it'll be an easy write off. In any case, I'm out to enjoy myself, get to know him, and enjoy the day with him. It's all good.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 SOOOO, how'd it go? oh, yay! Thanks for asking! Sometimes it feels weird putting it all out here, but it really is to get another point of view, even just to air it out. lol. Any input/feedback is always welcomed. The second date was great. He drove into my area and it was another amazing time. Sunday afternoon we got together again for a third date and that night we got together for a fourth date... And after all that, I don't know that we'll see each other again! lol. He is a wonderful, wonderful man but I don't think we are a match. I got a lot out of all my time with him, and I'm going to have to 'air' that out, too, on LS. It's always so helpful. Will start another thread on it, I think. In short, the realness of our interaction together was like a breakthrough for me. My date was this great, inspiring guy... he's like a rock, and somehow I needed him, I needed that. I'm so happy to have met him and spent so much time together with him. What I realize today though is that I have some baggage to clear up with my ex. He made me confront that. I got in contact with my ex and he said I can call him later. I don't know the result of tonight's conversation of course, but I know that it will help me truly move on to dating, baggage free. lol. I'm frightened to confront the ex. Would not have had the courage had it not been for my date this last weekend. Oh, and he doesn't know. He doesn't know that he's helping me confront my ex and clean that up. What my date does know is that we had an amazing time. We were even intimate, but then I got sick and couldn't stay with him like he wanted. lol. I truly got sick and had to leave.... we were suppose to spend the night together. I got physically sick, and there were thoughts running around my head about my ex. I had to leave. I apologized and made a quick exit. We've texted a bit this morning. He's kinda in the dark right now, but I'll have to talk to him about all this... I have to. So, yeah, it was a big weekend. I don't plan on dating this guy again. I do plan on clearing up stuff with the ex tonight. ....will check in tomorrow. Probably in the coping section. lol
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