Did I waste my time?

[winniex]

Please excuse my essay- I have posted this under Separation and Divorces as well, but would like to see what other's thoughts are.

I don't really know where to start on this one, so will start at the beginning. I started going out with my boyfriend last December. In fact, we started as a casual relationship. I found out early in the piece that he was going through a separation etc. I had the choice then to leave it or just have some fun. I went for the latter. However over time, we started to get to know one another and started spending more and more time with each other, getting to know each other and then became 'official' so to speak. Due to his the separation, I knew that there would be difficult times and that we would have to take things slowly. I was happy to be patient. I knew that it would be hard for him to introduce me to his friends as he had mutual friends with his ex. Over the course of the first 6 months, I sat by him whilst he went through the process of selling their home, sorting out the settlement agreement and whatever else had to take place to get the proceedings of the divorce finalised. There were ups and downs with some of the relationship as there normally is, but things were going OK under the circumstances.

It took about 6 months for him to introduce me to some of his closest friends, although they knew that he was seeing somebody. At first everything was great, they were inviting me along to things, but then for some reason, they decided that they felt awkward as they are friends with my boyfriends ex so they started to exclude me from things and leaving me out, although still inviting him to things. That was actually around the time he introduced me to some other people he refers to as good friends. But does taking to people twice a year count as close friends? Anyway...there was a group of us and we had a big boozy afternoon, photos were taken and posted up onto facebook, which i know the ex has seen as she posted a comment on the album.

Around this time, his behaviour towards me had also started to change. He was going out with another lot of his friends whom I had never met, and when I asked to meet them, he told me that I couldn't as his ex would be there. I questioned why he would want to go to things that his ex would be at and he said it was because they are close friends and he didn't care if she was there or not. We fought about it and came close to a break up. We also had a talk around this time too where he told me that he couldn't see the next step with me (moving in together) as he had just gotten his own space back and wasn't ready to give that up. I told him I was not looking for that, and that I wanted our relationship to just flow naturally, but it can't always happen that way. I told him that I didn't have any set milestones as I knew that he was coming out of a marriage and that I was happy to take things slowly. But if he couldn't see the next step with me because of who I am, then he was best to tell me. He said it was the former.

Problem is when he feels overwhelmed with something (emotion), he retreats and doesn't want to see me. When I think that things are progressing smoothly, he retreats and tells me that he has seen too much of me and needs space. This happened when we had this talk.

So we got over that hurdle and tried to move on. Over this time, I was starting to see a pattern of him booking himself with things over the week and weekend and not telling me about it or asking me along. He stopped including me in things he was doing. Around this time was when his ex saw the two of us for the first time and she hurled abusive txt and emails at him. We had a long talk about it as she threw some insults my way, but I knew that was due the situation and not me personally as she didn't know a thing about me.

I've talked to him extensively about things and how I wanted an open and honest relationship where he would talk to me and if he had something happen, to be courteous and tell me so I didn't plan anything for us or so I could arrange my own things. That is all I really wanted in this relationship with him. For him to talk to me and when he is with me, is to be with me and give me his undivided attention. Not sending txts or checking emails etc.

Gee, I feel so drained and I am sure that I have missed some major things in this.

Fast forward to October...one weekend he gets invited to things on the Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I ask him if I am invited to any of those things. He tells me no. I ask him if any of his friends know that I exist in his life, he tells me yes. But I still cannot go due to his ex being there. We end up fighting again as I don't see why he cannot bring me along to anything and the fact that I don't know who any of these people are. With my friends, when I get invited to something, they automatically invite him. Unless it is a strictly girls night out. He doesn't seem to think that this is an issue as he thinks it is healthy for us to spend time apart and do things seperately, which I agree with. Just not everything! There should be a point where he wants to bring me along to things. I would have thought that he would be proud to have me as his girlfriend. But he wants to keep me seperated from the rest of his life. There is only one group of friends he has let me meet and they are the married ones with kids.

He doesn't communicate his feelings as well as he should, so we end up fighting. I told him that some of his passion for me has died, and he said that is natural. I didn't agree as I still share the same passion and desires for him as the day I met him...the way he looks at me, the way he touches my body, it is all still there. Lately I am lucky if I get a passionate kiss from him.

I've been understanding and patient, making allowances for the divorce as I know that is must be a difficult time for him. I try to be there for him, but he shuts me out emotionally.

So what has happened recently is that last month, we went away for the weekend for some romantic time away. Then we went to different parties the following week, but then spent some of the weekend together and then the final straw was we got invited with about 8 other couples on a farm weekend away. We weren't glued at the hip that weekend as there was so much other stuff going on with 23 other people around. So come the weekend after that, I wanted us to do something special for us as it was coming up to a year since we met. He didn't see that as anything important and told me that it is just a date and that he isn't sentimental. He tells me that he is busy on the Friday night, I ask doing what. He tells me that he is going to a club. I say cool can I come, he says no. I ask why, yes you guessed it, I can't go as his ex might be there. So we argue again as I still cannot see why he would want to be anywhere his ex is going to be, especially given he is the one who left her. So the fight goes on and he goes on about needing space. This same week all this is happening, he finds out that his mate's wife has cancer and will be operated on. And then another friend has had a baby. So a lot is happening. But he puts everything to do with us on hold and makes all of them a priority- which is understandable. That means that the club is out, but he goes out for drinks anyway. I asked him if I can join for one as it had been a really bad week with all the stuff going on. He says no, he needs space and doesn't want me to come, although I do know the friend he is meeting. I ask him about the Saturday night, he has been invited to a small dinner party. So no time for me. He doesn't cancel on that friend should the one with the cancerous wife need him. Sorry if I sound horrible, but they had also been quite horrible to me way before her diagnosis, but I empathised with them and offered any help I could. It had been an odd week as I had issues with my period and ended up having to take a pregnancy test...on my own without him. For any woman out there, I am sure you can agree it is the one most scariest thing you can possibly do on your own...anyway.I ask him if we can meet for breakfast on the Saturday, he replies to me 4 hours later. By that point I had passed out on the sofa and woke to see that msg. I don't know what possessed me, but I drove to his place as I wanted to know if he was home. He saw me and I panicked and drove off. He thought I was waiting for him to get off the ferry. I just wanted to see if he was home. We end up talking on the phone. I tried to explain my feelings and what was going on in my head. He called me insecure. I said I only am as he is so secretive and won't share anything with me. He blamed it all on me and said perhaps I was with the wrong person. I should've listened to him then. We talked about all the issues in the relationship and how he won't let me share anything in his life anymore. It was getting late and he was supposed to visit the new baby, and visit his friend's wife in hospital. I thought that I would go with him for both and we ended the call with, I guess I will speak to you tomorrow, he said yes. That was the Friday night- I never heard a word from him till after 5 days. In this time, I was so unhappy that I took time off work to visit my friends in New Zealand. He had no idea I had left on the Monday. I thought about calling him or sending a msg, but he was harping on so much about needing space from me and with everything else, I didn't want him to think it was a grab for attention. So I left. He finally got in touch and I told him where i was. I called him and we had a big conversation and I told him that I wanted this to work, but he cannot blame all our troubles on me. Most relationships should be shared to a certain level with your friends and family. Ours wasn't. We agreed to meet up when I got back. He msg'd me the next day to bring it forward a day as he finally admitted that he missed me. It took me to leaving the country for him to miss me...I decided when I got back to leave the past in the past, we both had our say and I was willing to start fresh. The week I got back, was perfect. Couldn't ask for more. He was attentive again and seemed really to have missed me. Then the weekend came up and he had a friend's cousin visit so he played tour guide the entire weekend without me. He cancelled a dinner plan with me, but I thought, OK, it's a once off as this guy is in town one weekend. We met the night after, finally got to plan something on xmas day and had some small chit chat.

Today we are on chat at work and he tells me that is fully booked for the remainder of the week. I ask him, so that means I don't get to see him until next week and he says, yeah I guess. He doesn't seem to see that is an issue and why I am upset. After a score of msgs I tell him that we need to sort this out and i can't remember the words that i used, but basically told him that if I mean anything to him, he would meet me. He told me not to hold my breath as he has plans. At that point I realise that I am not important enough in his life as he knows that I am upset and won't talk to me about it. All his friends and everything else seems to be more of a priority. I just seem to fit where there are gaps. I decided that this is not going to change and didn't want to wait till next week when he was free of his social appointments. I sent him an email outlining that I was breaking up with him and the reasons why. He wants one thing, I want another.

I sometimes feel as though we are settling into a normal relationship, but then he pulls back and tells me that he needs space and that I am being too needy. I really like this guy, but I need to stay strong and not allow myself to be treated this way. He asked me when I was in New Zealand why things have gone so bad, I replied today saying it all went bad when everyone including him over analysed our relationship rather than let things flow naturally.

I know it is my friends responsibility to look out for me and tell me the truth. They have told me all along that I have done nothing wrong as all I have wanted was for a normal relationship, where my boyfriend respects me and my needs, and that I have not made any demands regarding the divorce and have let him handle it the way he sees fit. I don't know if all this odd behaviour stems from his previous marriage or if this is just the way he is. I've given him a year of my life and sticking by him with all of this. Just seems that he doesn't want to include me in his life and everyone else comes first.

I have no intention of getting back with him, unless there is a guarantee of a complete turnaround in behaviour or some good and valid reason for him being so distant and blase' to me and my needs. Why does he distance himself from me on an emotional level?

Is it me, or is all of this related to his divorce? Or is it just him? Actually, I know that the problem is not me. I just need to understand what is going on through his head. I know he has submitted the divorce application (3 months late!), so is all this related? Or is this just the true him? I don't think this is him as this isn't the same guy I fell in love with...

 

I am really sure that I have missed some other major points, but I think you get the general gist.

[Scorpio13c]

Please excuse my essay- I have posted this under Separation and Divorces as well, but would like to see what other's thoughts are.

I don't really know where to start on this one, so will start at the beginning. I started going out with my boyfriend last December. In fact, we started as a casual relationship. I found out early in the piece that he was going through a separation etc. I had the choice then to leave it or just have some fun. I went for the latter. However over time, we started to get to know one another and started spending more and more time with each other, getting to know each other and then became 'official' so to speak. Due to his the separation, I knew that there would be difficult times and that we would have to take things slowly. I was happy to be patient. I knew that it would be hard for him to introduce me to his friends as he had mutual friends with his ex. Over the course of the first 6 months, I sat by him whilst he went through the process of selling their home, sorting out the settlement agreement and whatever else had to take place to get the proceedings of the divorce finalised. There were ups and downs with some of the relationship as there normally is, but things were going OK under the circumstances.

It took about 6 months for him to introduce me to some of his closest friends, although they knew that he was seeing somebody. At first everything was great, they were inviting me along to things, but then for some reason, they decided that they felt awkward as they are friends with my boyfriends ex so they started to exclude me from things and leaving me out, although still inviting him to things. That was actually around the time he introduced me to some other people he refers to as good friends. But does taking to people twice a year count as close friends? Anyway...there was a group of us and we had a big boozy afternoon, photos were taken and posted up onto facebook, which i know the ex has seen as she posted a comment on the album.

Around this time, his behaviour towards me had also started to change. He was going out with another lot of his friends whom I had never met, and when I asked to meet them, he told me that I couldn't as his ex would be there. I questioned why he would want to go to things that his ex would be at and he said it was because they are close friends and he didn't care if she was there or not. We fought about it and came close to a break up. We also had a talk around this time too where he told me that he couldn't see the next step with me (moving in together) as he had just gotten his own space back and wasn't ready to give that up. I told him I was not looking for that, and that I wanted our relationship to just flow naturally, but it can't always happen that way. I told him that I didn't have any set milestones as I knew that he was coming out of a marriage and that I was happy to take things slowly. But if he couldn't see the next step with me because of who I am, then he was best to tell me. He said it was the former.

Problem is when he feels overwhelmed with something (emotion), he retreats and doesn't want to see me. When I think that things are progressing smoothly, he retreats and tells me that he has seen too much of me and needs space. This happened when we had this talk.

So we got over that hurdle and tried to move on. Over this time, I was starting to see a pattern of him booking himself with things over the week and weekend and not telling me about it or asking me along. He stopped including me in things he was doing. Around this time was when his ex saw the two of us for the first time and she hurled abusive txt and emails at him. We had a long talk about it as she threw some insults my way, but I knew that was due the situation and not me personally as she didn't know a thing about me.

I've talked to him extensively about things and how I wanted an open and honest relationship where he would talk to me and if he had something happen, to be courteous and tell me so I didn't plan anything for us or so I could arrange my own things. That is all I really wanted in this relationship with him. For him to talk to me and when he is with me, is to be with me and give me his undivided attention. Not sending txts or checking emails etc.

Gee, I feel so drained and I am sure that I have missed some major things in this.

Fast forward to October...one weekend he gets invited to things on the Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I ask him if I am invited to any of those things. He tells me no. I ask him if any of his friends know that I exist in his life, he tells me yes. But I still cannot go due to his ex being there. We end up fighting again as I don't see why he cannot bring me along to anything and the fact that I don't know who any of these people are. With my friends, when I get invited to something, they automatically invite him. Unless it is a strictly girls night out. He doesn't seem to think that this is an issue as he thinks it is healthy for us to spend time apart and do things seperately, which I agree with. Just not everything! There should be a point where he wants to bring me along to things. I would have thought that he would be proud to have me as his girlfriend. But he wants to keep me seperated from the rest of his life. There is only one group of friends he has let me meet and they are the married ones with kids.

He doesn't communicate his feelings as well as he should, so we end up fighting. I told him that some of his passion for me has died, and he said that is natural. I didn't agree as I still share the same passion and desires for him as the day I met him...the way he looks at me, the way he touches my body, it is all still there. Lately I am lucky if I get a passionate kiss from him.

I've been understanding and patient, making allowances for the divorce as I know that is must be a difficult time for him. I try to be there for him, but he shuts me out emotionally.

So what has happened recently is that last month, we went away for the weekend for some romantic time away. Then we went to different parties the following week, but then spent some of the weekend together and then the final straw was we got invited with about 8 other couples on a farm weekend away. We weren't glued at the hip that weekend as there was so much other stuff going on with 23 other people around. So come the weekend after that, I wanted us to do something special for us as it was coming up to a year since we met. He didn't see that as anything important and told me that it is just a date and that he isn't sentimental. He tells me that he is busy on the Friday night, I ask doing what. He tells me that he is going to a club. I say cool can I come, he says no. I ask why, yes you guessed it, I can't go as his ex might be there. So we argue again as I still cannot see why he would want to be anywhere his ex is going to be, especially given he is the one who left her. So the fight goes on and he goes on about needing space. This same week all this is happening, he finds out that his mate's wife has cancer and will be operated on. And then another friend has had a baby. So a lot is happening. But he puts everything to do with us on hold and makes all of them a priority- which is understandable. That means that the club is out, but he goes out for drinks anyway. I asked him if I can join for one as it had been a really bad week with all the stuff going on. He says no, he needs space and doesn't want me to come, although I do know the friend he is meeting. I ask him about the Saturday night, he has been invited to a small dinner party. So no time for me. He doesn't cancel on that friend should the one with the cancerous wife need him. Sorry if I sound horrible, but they had also been quite horrible to me way before her diagnosis, but I empathised with them and offered any help I could. It had been an odd week as I had issues with my period and ended up having to take a pregnancy test...on my own without him. For any woman out there, I am sure you can agree it is the one most scariest thing you can possibly do on your own...anyway.I ask him if we can meet for breakfast on the Saturday, he replies to me 4 hours later. By that point I had passed out on the sofa and woke to see that msg. I don't know what possessed me, but I drove to his place as I wanted to know if he was home. He saw me and I panicked and drove off. He thought I was waiting for him to get off the ferry. I just wanted to see if he was home. We end up talking on the phone. I tried to explain my feelings and what was going on in my head. He called me insecure. I said I only am as he is so secretive and won't share anything with me. He blamed it all on me and said perhaps I was with the wrong person. I should've listened to him then. We talked about all the issues in the relationship and how he won't let me share anything in his life anymore. It was getting late and he was supposed to visit the new baby, and visit his friend's wife in hospital. I thought that I would go with him for both and we ended the call with, I guess I will speak to you tomorrow, he said yes. That was the Friday night- I never heard a word from him till after 5 days. In this time, I was so unhappy that I took time off work to visit my friends in New Zealand. He had no idea I had left on the Monday. I thought about calling him or sending a msg, but he was harping on so much about needing space from me and with everything else, I didn't want him to think it was a grab for attention. So I left. He finally got in touch and I told him where i was. I called him and we had a big conversation and I told him that I wanted this to work, but he cannot blame all our troubles on me. Most relationships should be shared to a certain level with your friends and family. Ours wasn't. We agreed to meet up when I got back. He msg'd me the next day to bring it forward a day as he finally admitted that he missed me. It took me to leaving the country for him to miss me...I decided when I got back to leave the past in the past, we both had our say and I was willing to start fresh. The week I got back, was perfect. Couldn't ask for more. He was attentive again and seemed really to have missed me. Then the weekend came up and he had a friend's cousin visit so he played tour guide the entire weekend without me. He cancelled a dinner plan with me, but I thought, OK, it's a once off as this guy is in town one weekend. We met the night after, finally got to plan something on xmas day and had some small chit chat.

Today we are on chat at work and he tells me that is fully booked for the remainder of the week. I ask him, so that means I don't get to see him until next week and he says, yeah I guess. He doesn't seem to see that is an issue and why I am upset. After a score of msgs I tell him that we need to sort this out and i can't remember the words that i used, but basically told him that if I mean anything to him, he would meet me. He told me not to hold my breath as he has plans. At that point I realise that I am not important enough in his life as he knows that I am upset and won't talk to me about it. All his friends and everything else seems to be more of a priority. I just seem to fit where there are gaps. I decided that this is not going to change and didn't want to wait till next week when he was free of his social appointments. I sent him an email outlining that I was breaking up with him and the reasons why. He wants one thing, I want another.

I sometimes feel as though we are settling into a normal relationship, but then he pulls back and tells me that he needs space and that I am being too needy. I really like this guy, but I need to stay strong and not allow myself to be treated this way. He asked me when I was in New Zealand why things have gone so bad, I replied today saying it all went bad when everyone including him over analysed our relationship rather than let things flow naturally.

I know it is my friends responsibility to look out for me and tell me the truth. They have told me all along that I have done nothing wrong as all I have wanted was for a normal relationship, where my boyfriend respects me and my needs, and that I have not made any demands regarding the divorce and have let him handle it the way he sees fit. I don't know if all this odd behaviour stems from his previous marriage or if this is just the way he is. I've given him a year of my life and sticking by him with all of this. Just seems that he doesn't want to include me in his life and everyone else comes first.

I have no intention of getting back with him, unless there is a guarantee of a complete turnaround in behaviour or some good and valid reason for him being so distant and blase' to me and my needs. Why does he distance himself from me on an emotional level?

Is it me, or is all of this related to his divorce? Or is it just him? Actually, I know that the problem is not me. I just need to understand what is going on through his head. I know he has submitted the divorce application (3 months late!), so is all this related? Or is this just the true him? I don't think this is him as this isn't the same guy I fell in love with...

 

I am really sure that I have missed some other major points, but I think you get the general gist.

 

Hey Winniex,

I'm sorry I didn't read your whole post, I think I got the gist half way through..

You need to realize that he is still emotionally attached to his ex & her friends. As much as he may seem to like you, he won't like you the way you do him now. This is why people should not get emotionally involved with recently seperated people. You will only get hurt by the emotional confusion he exudes & the back & forth signs he gives you. He just isn't ready.

Spare yourself the turmoil & leave him be for a year or so, otherwise he will only cause your heart grief...

All my best for you!

[xpaperxcutx]

Winniex, i think if you reread your own story, it would break your heart, because the signs were there but at the time you were blinded by love for this man that you couldn't see clearly. Now that you're out of the haze, can you say that you truly can move on to someone who will respect you and give the same treatment that you would him? I believe so. Simply because you now know the kind of man that you can't allow yourself to tolerate.

 

I think you are a strong person to have put up with his behaviour for the last year, but I would like to emphasize that the phrase " love is blind" though short and simple, is actually quite true. Love for this man made you accept and put his needs and wants above your own. He couldn't do the same. He took you for granted blamed you for problems that were his alone. You're not wrong, you merely fell in love with a man who can't love you.

 

It took a trip away to New Zealand for him to fully realize that you were gone. What else would you have to do to make him realize that he loves you? 2,3, 5 years? Quite possibly never.

 

He is a selfish person, remember that. And you are wonderful. You're a wonderful person who can move on from him and find someone else who can give you what you need.