Samantha0905 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I agree with the gist of the majority of the advice you've received so far. I wouldn't let him call the shots. I would not go to dinner with him. Spend some time with friends. Of course, see your son and his father together for Christmas and New Year's Day. Otherwise, enjoy time with other friends and family. Wait for some real change out of your husband. Take a time out. He has done this song and dance for you before and it turned out to NOT be true. I think attending marriage counseling and saying he is working on the marriage while still seeing the affair partner was his second MAJOR offense. If that happened to me, I think I would be seeing a lawyer and carrying through with legal separation. I wouldn't feel this way if once you knew about the affair and the two of you attending marriage counseling moving forward. It's a betrayal on top of horrible betrayal. If someone has an affair and their BS finds out, it is totally reasonable for the BS to opt out o the marriage. Instead, you were willing to work on the marriage with him and he went along with it, continuing to deceive you. That's pretty appalling. I don't know if you've said already, but have you received IC for what is going on?
Author foreal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 yes, been in IC since May. As far as I know, and my gut tells me this is so, the PA ended in April. They had LC thru Oct (they work together)...he was still attached to MOW but not carrying on the A...but. He did still have feelings for her, or rather for the A and her. He had a job interview yesterday to get out of his place where they both work....havent talked to him about the interview so not sure how it went. This sux.
turnstone Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Yeah and the fact it sucks shouts volumes. He's still manipulating your feelings, whether he means to or not. For instance, it was you dealing with your BIL, when the issue was NOT of YOUR creation! On that note, why does it matter about other family memebers knowing? You know the saying 'if you're not sure what to do, do nothing?' Sit tight.
Author foreal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 When/if other family members find out (friends etc as well) I want to be the one to tell them.....I don't want anyone else speaking for me. Still sucking...I want to go to dinner with him but dont know if I can make it a whole evening w/o bringing up the A word...maybe i should go to just try......i am so sick of it being the center of my world...
turnstone Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 So what if the family hears from someone else? Really. Its his problem and you can direct their questions, anxiety etc. to HIM. You do not have to deal with this. Dinner? Seriously? The ground work has not been done yet, its way too soon to be giving him anything. Oh and 'not mention the A word'? WTF shouldn't you??????? So you don't upset him???????
turnstone Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I have to run now (I have a date - woohoo me! ), but please, think very seriously about dinner with your H.
PhoenixRise Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Foreal I get what you are saying about being sick of every interaction being about the A. It gets exhausting AND it is a hard thing to carry around all the time... Foreal, whatever you decide about dinner....just remember that it is just dinner. One dinner will not make or break you at this point. If you decide not to go, it won't mean you are closing the door completely. If you do decide to go it won't mean your marriage is fixed and you are taking your H back. It is just dinner. Just go with your gut. AND regarding you being upset about the BIL wanting to tell the family..I get it that many people want to keep the A a secret from friends and family because they don't want to deal with the various opinions and judgments if they reconcile with the WS. For me though, telling my family and his about the affair lifted a weight from my shoulders. I felt much more free. Think about telling the family sooner rather than later. Your BIL is not going to keep the secret.
Author foreal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Foreal I get what you are saying about being sick of every interaction being about the A. It gets exhausting AND it is a hard thing to carry around all the time... Foreal, whatever you decide about dinner....just remember that it is just dinner. One dinner will not make or break you at this point. If you decide not to go, it won't mean you are closing the door completely. If you do decide to go it won't mean your marriage is fixed and you are taking your H back. It is just dinner. Just go with your gut. AND regarding you being upset about the BIL wanting to tell the family..I get it that many people want to keep the A a secret from friends and family because they don't want to deal with the various opinions and judgments if they reconcile with the WS. For me though, telling my family and his about the affair lifted a weight from my shoulders. I felt much more free. Think about telling the family sooner rather than later. Your BIL is not going to keep the secret. Thanks PR I feel nausious- I am so stressed out..you are right..my BIL has probably already told my FIL..who cares.... I am so wrethced by all this- I will go to dinner and see if I can get thru it...
eeyore1981 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 it's me, foreal! And my H is NOT back in the house... we are in major LC. Got a text this morning from him asking me to dinner Sat nite...I have not yet responded. This is really difficult but the benefits are already showing... when I wake up at 3am, I am not hurt, angry etc to see him sleeping next to me b/c he is not next to me...so then when morning arrives, i am not sad or angry, and he isn't there anyway (and have I mentioned how great it is having the whooooooooooole bed? 21 years of sharing a bed..it is a nice break to have it all mine!!) I am just more relaxed. BUt I have my moments...dry heaved a few times yesterday due to my BIL (who knows) who said he is just so upset by our separation that HE is losing sleep and feels he needs to share this info with other family members...(yes, i regret him knowing...) I think I talked him off the cliff but GAWD it stressed me out. Lesson: DON'T TELL or be very careful who you so tell... In any case, we have a long road to go- I did see the lawyer!! If others are in this mess, I highly reccomend doing this asap....I will post a new thread on the lawyer, but suffice to say it is imperative to do so and well worth it. Okay, now to decide if I want to go to dinner w/ my H. This is somehting we both love to do and used to do before our son was born all the time....not that I am eating much of anything these days. Thanks for everyone's support. This is so stressful. I'm glad you are hanging in there.
PhoenixRise Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Thanks PR I feel nausious- I am so stressed out..you are right..my BIL has probably already told my FIL..who cares.... I am so wrethced by all this- I will go to dinner and see if I can get thru it... See... the bolded part is a problem. The whole point of doing NC/LC is for YOU to stop the suffering. If you feel like you will have to white knuckle your way through the dinner then say no to it. Don't volunteer to suffer for your H or the M even for one more minute. Whether your marriage recovers or not YOU have to find the courage to stand up for what you need and to say no to whatever is hurting you. I think I get it though. Even after I left my H it took awhile for me to start thinking about what is good for ME as opposed to what might be better for US. AND Foreal, your FIL may be much more supportive than you think, and even if they are not......It is your life..nobody has to live with your choices but you...who cares what they think.
eeyore1981 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 The lawyer, HELL YEAH! My H had told me he wanted a divorce, and I called and set up an appointment with an attorney first thing the next morning. I learned about the affair between then and the actual appointment. It wasn't my intent, but apparently just hiring an attorney is a powerful reality slap upside the head for WS. As far as telling people, I realize everyone is not me and does not feel as I do, but I told EVERYONE. I told people I barely knew. I didn't and still don't give a crap who knows. People whose opinions of me matter know me well enough to not think poorly of me for working things out with my H, everyone else, don't care what they think. The dinner on Saturday, that's a toughie. The only advice I can give you is if you WANT to go, then go. If you think you NEED to go because of this, that, or whatever, don't go. Try to keep the focus on yourself and what you want, and have the power over, to make yourself feel good and happy, and to hell with the rest. I get what you are saying about the A seeming to take over every aspect of your life. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't. That doesn't mean you never get to talk about it again. There were times I refused to discuss it, or I cut a discussion short, because I was sick of it. This is something you can take control over. A few months after dday, I was so sick of the lying by my H, I made him leave. I was working really hard to be strong. One of my best friends at the time and her H went to visit my H after he had been out of the house for a few days, and she spent 2 more days telling me how pathetic he was, and I ended up feeling so bad for him and I let him come home. I believe this was a mistake, and if I had held firm and told my friend to stfu, I probably wouldn't have gone through the next almost 2 years of being jacked around. But I let my compassion overcome my common sense. You know your H better than all of us on this board combined, and you know better than anyone what you can and cannot live with. But I have to give most of the people on here credit, they know what they are talking about. I wish I had found this board right after dday, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. Keep leaning on us, it will help you get through this.
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