hip hip hooray, NC is the way!

[foreal]

All this NC talk for the MM and OW....how it must be or else..

 

I am now coming to the conclusion that NC between the H and W is the way to go and let MM have all the contact he wants with OW.

 

"If you love something set it free...yada yada yada"

 

When the APs are forced into NC, all it seems to do is intensify their yearning for each other...and that makes sense. Whether or not their love is TWUE WUV or not doesn't matter. They are like a couple of druggies who gotta get sumore of the rock.

 

So let 'em have at each other! With out the A bubble around them this time.

 

It's been just a couple days of LC between my H and me (LC b/c we have a kid, but it's as close to NC as is possible)

 

And although this has been sooo difficult to not call, text, email etc, it has done me wonders in this very short time.

 

I wish I'd thrown his ass out sooner.

 

He can have all the access he wants to MOW (she's on her way to being just an OW as her H is divorcing her), with my blessing: go go go!!! Go get her!! No really, GO!!.............

 

You're still here?

[PhoenixRise]

Foreal

 

Good for you for taking your power back.

 

This is a win win for you.

 

No matter what happens you will come out of this stronger, having made a clear declaration, backed up by actions, of what you will and will not tolerate in your life.

 

People, not just Husbands, need to know that while love may be unconditional (I know you still love him), their presence in your life is NOT unconditional.

[Samantha0905]

Good for you. It's an extremely strong move on your part. I hope things work out where you end up very happy.

[foreal]

thanks to you both-

 

Now I know how MM and OW feel..I am dieing not contacting him.

 

I have to take it a minute at a time.

 

I just wonder if he feels the same about me...

[Spark1111]

I sooooo agree!

 

NC is a sham, unless it is implemented and adhered to and DESIRED by the WS.

 

Everything else is simply a smokescreen to keep the sh**storm off of their heads.

 

The OW in my case kept herself available, friendly, and oh-so concerned about the state of our reconciliation.

 

She was also there to validate every negative emotion he had towards me at that time, telling him poor baby, you are trying so hard and you are meeting with such "unwavering hostility." HA!

 

I had to remove myself from their pathetic dynamic. The halo was on her head, and he needed to villify me to assuage his guilt. She was more than willing to help him with that, need I add.

 

Good for you, Foreal!

 

Yes, let them have each other without you wearing the villain hat.

[PhoenixRise]

I understand how you feel about not contacting him.

 

I know there is a lot of love there, but I think that feeling like you are dying because of lack of contact is mostly fear.

 

I think it is mostly fear when OW/OM post about it. I know it was mostly fear when I experienced it.

 

Maybe you are afraid that if you don't stay in contact with him, he won't come after you?

 

I think this is why NC can not be a tactic or a strategy...I think for it to work it has to come from a place of "I am through putting up with your shi*"

 

Foreal try to have faith in yourself. If the BS your H has been dishing out is the best he can do then you don't want him. You don't want that pain. You don't want that continued disappointment. You don't want his "I am in love with with a possibly herpes infected, cocaine addicted, married other woman" crap. You don't want this.

 

Have faith in who you are and in who you have been through out the marriage. Know the value that you have brought to his life. Know that you have loved that man through some hard times and you have been his rock. Have faith in your ability to create for yourself a wonderful life no matter what your husband or anybody else does.

 

AND know, really know that you can't control him. You can't make him chose what you think is best. If he is wandering in the desert only he can lead himself out. If he doesn't show up for you...he is not the same man you married and you don't want the man he is now. The man he is now is not even remotely close to good enough for you.

 

It is ok to miss him, to want to call him, to feel whatever you feel ( I felt much the same when I separated from my H). But try not to wallow in it. You have a life to build.

[Spark1111]

Great post, Phoenix!

 

Part of taking back your personal power is the realization that one has always lived their life with integrity and kindness.

 

...and that one will continue to do so, no matter what others are doing.

 

...and outcomes cannot be controlled.

 

We can only control ourselves, and our reactions to those outcomes, and what we will or will not tolerate in our lives.....even for love.

[foreal]

well, that did not take long- just got an email from H saying he knows what he wants: ME.

 

Apparently he ran into her at work yesterday and she accused me of texting her a threat (I did not) on Sunday...then he asked her, 'is that why you called me last nite?'

 

She said she did not call! So he showed her his phone with her number and a missed call....can you guess what she said??

 

She laughed and said 'your W is crazy and just trying to set us up!'

 

CLASSIC.

 

He said he realized right then that he never knew her at all.

 

He does not want us to leave for the holidays:

 

"I don’t need time to think about it. I want to be with you, and our son. On Christmas and Our Anniversary.

I do understand that you may feel differently and want the support of your family. I just feel like we should be taking advantage of these special times together as opposed to learning to live without each other."

 

So WTF do I do with that?

 

ADVISE??! PLEASE??!!

[freestyle]

well, that did not take long- just got an email from H saying he knows what he wants: ME.

 

Apparently he ran into her at work yesterday and she accused me of texting her a threat (I did not) on Sunday...then he asked her, 'is that why you called me last nite?'

 

She said she did not call! So he showed her his phone with her number and a missed call....can you guess what she said??

 

She laughed and said 'your W is crazy and just trying to set us up!'

 

CLASSIC.

 

He said he realized right then that he never knew her at all.

 

He does not want us to leave for the holidays:

 

"I don’t need time to think about it. I want to be with you, and our son. On Christmas and Our Anniversary.

I do understand that you may feel differently and want the support of your family. I just feel like we should be taking advantage of these special times together as opposed to learning to live without each other."

 

So WTF do I do with that?

 

ADVISE??! PLEASE??!!

 

 

If it was me...............I'd probably let him sweat a good while longer.

 

If you took him back now, out of pity, you would be sending the message that he will never have to suffer real consequences for his transgressions.

 

IMO, the only way he will truly remove his head from his own posterior is

by having lots of time to himself.........for self-examination.

 

I would have a different opinion if there hadn't already been 8 months of false reconciliation.That demonstrated that he had no compunctions about playing you emotionally.He lulled you into a false sense of security, all the while, sneaking around behind your back.

 

How on earth can he expect to have any credibility after that?

 

Suddenly he's concerned with your point-of-view?

[eyeswide]

well, that did not take long- just got an email from H saying he knows what he wants: ME.

 

Apparently he ran into her at work yesterday and she accused me of texting her a threat (I did not) on Sunday...then he asked her, 'is that why you called me last nite?'

 

She said she did not call! So he showed her his phone with her number and a missed call....can you guess what she said??

 

She laughed and said 'your W is crazy and just trying to set us up!'

 

CLASSIC.

 

He said he realized right then that he never knew her at all.

 

He does not want us to leave for the holidays:

 

"I don’t need time to think about it. I want to be with you, and our son. On Christmas and Our Anniversary.

I do understand that you may feel differently and want the support of your family. I just feel like we should be taking advantage of these special times together as opposed to learning to live without each other."

 

So WTF do I do with that?

 

ADVISE??! PLEASE??!!

 

(((Foreal))) - I think you know what I would say already...but I will say it anyway: TOO SOON!

 

This is one of those moments when he is asking you to join him on his path. Nope. Stay on yours for now.

 

Spend time together as a family on Christmas, but make it clear that you are not there as his wife -- ready to sew everything up. Your son deserves to see that there is friendship and love between his parents that day -- but you do not have to sacrifice self-respect to give it. Set your boundaries (how long he can be there, what it means, what happens afterward) and create a safe space to be together without you feeling either anxiety or regret. As far as your anniversary goes -- that's a tougher one. Do you want to acknowledge it as an anniversary? If you guys are going to rebuild, you will need to feel like you have a new marriage and right now you don't have that. So why celebrate the vows that he has failed to keep and that you may choose not to renew? The marriage may not yet be technically over but symbolically, right now, it is and celebrating it as a typical anniversary is most likely going to feel like total hypocrisy to you.

 

I think you need to find another way to do New Year's. maybe lunch together as a family -- since that marriage did create your son. Celebrate that -- but do it low key and without any kind of commitment about what you are willing to give him right now. It seems pretty clear that you just don't know yet and I don't think anyone in your position could be clear about that right now.

 

You don't have to fix everything today. In fact, you don't have to fix anything at all. You didn't break it.

 

much love, Foreal

[PhoenixRise]

well, that did not take long- just got an email from H saying he knows what he wants: ME.

 

Apparently he ran into her at work yesterday and she accused me of texting her a threat (I did not) on Sunday...then he asked her, 'is that why you called me last nite?'

 

She said she did not call! So he showed her his phone with her number and a missed call....can you guess what she said??

 

She laughed and said 'your W is crazy and just trying to set us up!'

 

CLASSIC.

 

He said he realized right then that he never knew her at all.

 

He does not want us to leave for the holidays:

 

"I don’t need time to think about it. I want to be with you, and our son. On Christmas and Our Anniversary.

I do understand that you may feel differently and want the support of your family. I just feel like we should be taking advantage of these special times together as opposed to learning to live without each other."

 

So WTF do I do with that?

 

ADVISE??! PLEASE??!!

 

Foreal, this you your life and are the one who will have to live with any decision you make right now...

 

But I have to say I think it is too soon. I think I would thank him for sharing about his encounter with MOW and his relevations about HER...but it is not enough for you that he has now decided that he doesn't want HER...what is he going to do to show you 1. that he can be the kind of man YOU deserve, and 2. that he wants YOU...not as a default, not because he now realizes what you have known all along (his MOW is not all there). But that he wants YOU. What actions is he willing to take to show you he is manning up.

 

Is he willing to find a new job ASAP

Is he willing to commit to MC

Is he willing to find an IC that will support his rebuilding of the marriage

How transparent is he willing to be

 

It is nice that he told you what he wanted...when is he going to take actions to earn what he wants?

 

I would stick to my plan...go visit your family for the holidays...if he wants to spend the holidays with you he can go to your family's house too. Set your own agenda and your own boundaries.

 

Right now Foreal...His words (As much as I know you have wanted to hear them) don't mean squat.

 

He should not think that he can gaslight you for 8 months and then just decide to waltz back into your life with no effort.

[outofthedark]

He said he wants you, but what do YOU want. What are you also willing to go through as this wont be easy on you at all. Living back in that circle of mistrust sucks.

[eyeswide]

 

It is nice that he told you what he wanted...when is he going to take actions to earn what he wants?

 

 

Or show that his top priority is what you want, for a change?

[jwi71]

well, that did not take long- just got an email from H saying he knows what he wants: ME.

 

Apparently he ran into her at work yesterday and she accused me of texting her a threat (I did not) on Sunday...then he asked her, 'is that why you called me last nite?'

 

She said she did not call! So he showed her his phone with her number and a missed call....can you guess what she said??

 

She laughed and said 'your W is crazy and just trying to set us up!'

 

CLASSIC.

 

He said he realized right then that he never knew her at all.

 

He does not want us to leave for the holidays:

 

"I don’t need time to think about it. I want to be with you, and our son. On Christmas and Our Anniversary.

I do understand that you may feel differently and want the support of your family. I just feel like we should be taking advantage of these special times together as opposed to learning to live without each other."

 

So WTF do I do with that?

 

ADVISE??! PLEASE??!!

 

It maybe your H is "knee jerking" and reacting to your NC. It maybe YOU are "knee jerking" and reacting to NC. Each feeling the loss of the other. Let's face it, after being married the spouse becomes familiar and comfortable whose absence is keenly felt.

 

This does NOT mean that the sickness in your M is cured. Its still there. It does not mean that your H's issues are addressed...they are still there. And your own wounds are still there. Nothing, in terms of this M (and the players within) has changed. Only the "presence" of the other.

 

I would suggest you wait 48 hours before doing anything. Don't take his calls or reply or anything. It can wait 48 hours. During this time...get to your MC or IC (should you have one). Talk to people you trust like friends and family. Explore your feelings. Your first post was angry and this one both frightened and hopeful. But don't get your hopes up yet. He may be lying yet again to keep what is familiar. Remember, cheaters want affairs not divorces. So he WILL want to keep the M...the question is why.

 

Only he can answer that. And it requires a willingness to be honest. It requires him to dig deep in himself. I doubt he has.

 

Think for 48 hours. What ACTIONS has he demonstrated that say "I want you, my M and our family"?

 

For now...all you have is a single message. One you have heard before I might add.

 

Continue NC for 48 hours and reflect and think. Then break NC or continue...

[sugarmomma]

He probably hasn't changed. I would tread lightly and just watch him and his actions. he hasn't suffered the pain of being without you for real, just a bit. He needs to understand the magnitude of the harm he's caused.

 

I would go out and start having a fabulous life. He can get in where he fit in.

[Spark1111]

Yes, my husband started pining immediately for "his family."

 

But she kept contacting him anyway.

 

Every time she contacted him, I just sort of knew....he became somewhat distant towards me.

 

I agree with the other posters. He has NOT suffered any real consequences for 8 months of gaslighting.

 

It is way too soon to TRUST him, or even CARE WHAT HE WANTS.

 

So now, suddenly, he realizes who the OW is? The one he recently slept without using protection?

 

My husband died to be with his family around the holidays. Any holiday. The next weekend he was again shacking up with her under the pretense of "business out of town."

 

Go see your family. Live your own life. It is too soon to get sucked back into this again.

 

I would not trust that it is YOU he wants, yet. It may be he is afraid of facing the holidays by himself, or only with her.

 

I would not change my plans based on this one conversation regarding her. Not after 8 months of additional lying to you.

[eeyore1981]

Sweetie, I agree with everyone else, this is too soon. And not just for him to wake up, suffer the consequences, etc.

 

IMO, you need to give yourself some time to get some of the edge off of your pain, and then you will see more clearly if you are better off with or without him. You have no idea at this point what kind of wonderful life you could have without all this crap weighing you down.

 

I am so sorry all this has happened to you, and I am sorry you are having to go through all this. I wish I had more to offer you.

[freestyle]

Perhaps this is a bit extreme.........but how about 8 months of NC?

 

(or LC, I realize there's a young child to be considered..)

 

I know, it sounds like tit-for-tat................but he sooo needs a ride on The Clue Train. Round trip even.

 

Foreal, please don't allow yourself to be pressured into making any instant decisions. IMO, you need time to process everything just as much as he does............perhaps even more.

 

My fear is that if you take him back too soon, he's going to try and sweep everything uinder the rug.And six months from now, when you're still upset, he'll start to get frustrated with your emotional 'episodes', and

blame you for not 'letting it go". (this is a common dynamic during reconciliation)

 

He absolutely has to own what he did, and truly empathize and understand your pain.

 

That's only going to happen when he has to spend all of his nights alone.

[NoIDidn't]

Freestyle I like the way you think. LOL. Eight months of NC.

 

Actually, I suggest four months of LC with IC for the H and MC for the couple BEFORE he is EVER allowed back into the family fold.

 

This one instance of her lying to him is not enough for him to see her for what she is. This MOW is a sick puppy that got a kick out of feeling superior to his W. Until foreal's H makes a real break from her for some period of time, its pointless to let him come back home - regardless of his protestations.

 

He will get much worst before he makes a move to make any changes. Right now he is looking at the barrel, but he hasn't reached the bottom of it.

[eeyore1981]

No posts from Foreal since yesterday morning. Man, I hope she didn't take him back.

 

FOREAL, NO DON'T TAKE HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!

 

Sigh, I hope she is really busy and hasn't had time to touch base.

 

FOREAL, IF YOU DID TAKE HIM BACK, DON'T SHY AWAY FROM POSTING. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

 

Ok, I'm done now. Keeping my fingers crossed we hear from Foreal soon...

[NoIDidn't]

I agree eeyore!!

 

He's only telling her what he thinks she wants to hear to make her think that he is seeing things her way to get back into his house.

 

I hope she didn't take him back already.

 

Give him time to go to bed alone for a few weeks. No warm body in the bed with him, no one to wake up to and say good morning to is always a shock to the system of someone that's used to that sort of thing.

 

He really needs to feel what he is losing.

[RedDevil66]

It maybe your H is "knee jerking" and reacting to your NC. It maybe YOU are "knee jerking" and reacting to NC. Each feeling the loss of the other. Let's face it, after being married the spouse becomes familiar and comfortable whose absence is keenly felt.

 

This does NOT mean that the sickness in your M is cured. Its still there. It does not mean that your H's issues are addressed...they are still there. And your own wounds are still there. Nothing, in terms of this M (and the players within) has changed. Only the "presence" of the other.

 

I would suggest you wait 48 hours before doing anything. Don't take his calls or reply or anything. It can wait 48 hours. During this time...get to your MC or IC (should you have one). Talk to people you trust like friends and family. Explore your feelings. Your first post was angry and this one both frightened and hopeful. But don't get your hopes up yet. He may be lying yet again to keep what is familiar. Remember, cheaters want affairs not divorces. So he WILL want to keep the M...the question is why.

 

Only he can answer that. And it requires a willingness to be honest. It requires him to dig deep in himself. I doubt he has.

 

Think for 48 hours. What ACTIONS has he demonstrated that say "I want you, my M and our family"?

 

For now...all you have is a single message. One you have heard before I might add.

 

Continue NC for 48 hours and reflect and think. Then break NC or continue...

 

I'm a fan of your advice. I double this and raise you :-)

[RedDevil66]

No posts from Foreal since yesterday morning. Man, I hope she didn't take him back.

 

FOREAL, NO DON'T TAKE HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!

 

Sigh, I hope she is really busy and hasn't had time to touch base.

 

FOREAL, IF YOU DID TAKE HIM BACK, DON'T SHY AWAY FROM POSTING. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

 

Ok, I'm done now. Keeping my fingers crossed we hear from Foreal soon...

 

 

Maybe she is out with George Clooney and busy packing hubby's clothes :-)

 

I really hope she didn't give in to his BS that fast. I trust that she is a strong cookie and did not

[norajane]

"I don’t need time to think about it. I want to be with you, and our son. On Christmas and Our Anniversary.

I do understand that you may feel differently and want the support of your family. I just feel like we should be taking advantage of these special times together as opposed to learning to live without each other."

 

The sheer arrogance of this man is appalling!

 

So he runs around f*cking (unprotected!!) some other woman and "taking advantage of those special times" with OW for ages while lying to you and deceiving you and checking out as husband and father...and then gaslights you for another 8 months...but after 8 minutes out of the house, he feels he has the right to tell you what he wants and to tell you what you and he should be doing together.

 

The words self-serving, self-centered, and selfish just aren't strong enough to describe this entitled viewpoint.

 

No, he hasn't learned anything yet. He needs a lot more time to even begin to grasp the damage he's done and feel true remorse for it. He is so not ready to rebuild anything. He just wants things back as they were so HE is comfortable. What a manipulative tool.

[foreal]

it's me, foreal! And my H is NOT back in the house... we are in major LC.

 

Got a text this morning from him asking me to dinner Sat nite...I have not yet responded.

 

This is really difficult but the benefits are already showing...

 

when I wake up at 3am, I am not hurt, angry etc to see him sleeping next to me b/c he is not next to me...so then when morning arrives, i am not sad or angry, and he isn't there anyway (and have I mentioned how great it is having the whooooooooooole bed? 21 years of sharing a bed..it is a nice break to have it all mine!!)

 

I am just more relaxed. BUt I have my moments...dry heaved a few times yesterday due to my BIL (who knows) who said he is just so upset by our separation that HE is losing sleep and feels he needs to share this info with other family members...(yes, i regret him knowing...) I think I talked him off the cliff but GAWD it stressed me out. Lesson: DON'T TELL or be very careful who you so tell...

 

In any case, we have a long road to go-

 

I did see the lawyer!! If others are in this mess, I highly reccomend doing this asap....I will post a new thread on the lawyer, but suffice to say it is imperative to do so and well worth it.

 

Okay, now to decide if I want to go to dinner w/ my H. This is somehting we both love to do and used to do before our son was born all the time....not that I am eating much of anything these days.

 

Thanks for everyone's support. This is so stressful.