squirtle Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 hey guys. i am really having an issue here. so heres the story... my ex boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago. he then said he needed time to think and we needed a break. well all through that break we have been hanging out and now that hes away at work we talk everyday. its like not much has changed in the relationship at all other than the fact we are not "in a relationship". well here is where it gets tricky... i attended my staff party last night. i ended up fooling around with a guy that i work with. and now i feel so GUILTY ABOUT IT! is it cheating if youre on a break?? and should i tell him?? my conscience is really getting to me on this. to make matters worse.. i work with his best friends girlfriend. and im assuming she knows cause her boyfriend was at my house looking for me today but i wasnt here. why would he come here to talk to me about it though? i dont get it.. im so confused. if i had any chance at all to get back with my ex i really hope i didnt blow it. but how i see it is... we ARE on a break and its hard just sitting around waiting for someone to take you back or not. wow im so confused i just want to cry!
ATR Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 No, you didn't cheat as you're not together. Nuff said. P.S. Don't believe you are on a 'break', you are broken up, would someone who loves you really need a 'break' from you to 'get their head sorted'... I think not.
Author squirtle Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 thank you. that makes me feel a little better not a whole lot but a bit. the thing that bothers me is that we act like we are together... so much so that my rooamtes still call him my boyfriend and stuff. he is coming home in 5 days and he said he wants to spend the whole time with me and still wants to have sex with me and stuff. do you think that he would see this as cheating? i dont want to hurt him so i dont know if i should just come out and tell him or if i even owe him that. but i mean we never had the talk about what our break was , if we were to see other people etc. i really think he wants to get back together with me and im scared him knowing this will ruin it
hurting_in_nw Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I'd be honest about it. Just as people here say "would someone who loves you really need a 'break' from you to 'get their head sorted'... I think not" some might say that if you truly love him you wouldn't have fooled around with another guy. Sounds to me that in your heart you feel like you cheated, but are looking for a technicality of sorts to not feel guilty about it. I think he deserves to know, especially if you plan on being sexual with him again.
Author squirtle Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 i think i am going to tell him when he gets back this weekend. and not just about this thing i have a lot on my chest. i want to tell him that YES i want to spend all the christmas break together like he says he wants but that before i do so i need to know what we are cause its really bothering me. this whole thing of being "friend"s or open relationship or whatever is driving me insane. our problem is were both awkward talking about things like this. but i really need to do it whether i end up crying or making an idiot of myself. ugh
HLP234 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I am in the same situation where I am on a break and I found out that the girl is spending nights over at this "best friend's" house while she is home for the holidays. Yeh we are on a break and the relationship status is "Complicated" but if they did anything I would like to know. I'm thinking they already did, she hasn't even said anything to me for the whole day yesterday. Expect him to feel hurt..because I was told we were on a break and she needed time to herself and I was waiting because she complained I didn't like to wait.. Well I bet you something happened and now that I found out she is spending nights there I am pissed. I could not do the same to her and I dunno why..I just can't.
Author squirtle Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 true enough i get your point.. i think your answer made the most sense to me cause were kinda in the same boat except that it was HIM that broke up with me and said he needed time. i was raised not to sit around and wait on someone... cause in most cases its a waste of time. but now he acts like were together again but not technically together. supposedly both "single". i think i did what i did as kind of a rebound thing as bad as that is. i feel horrible about it now i know what u mean. i am going to see how things go . i do know however that he HAS been talking to other girls but i dont think anything has happened with them. wow life is co frustrating sometimes isnt it??~~ i hope everything goes well in both of our situations if u wanna talk to someone sometime let me know i think we could learn a lot lol
HLP234 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Yeh I have been trying to get the best advice from everyone, its a long story and its like the opposite of yours. Usually I have learned that when anyone says they need time, it means they want to do stuff without worrying about you. Anyways I have exhausted all my friends about this and they all tell me to just completely forget her. Its tough to decide though. Yeh talking helps, I think it clears your ideas from time to time because everyday it just seems to get worse. I dunno if it will go well, but I've been trying to hope for the best and prepare for the worst..if that makes any sense.
Author squirtle Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 yep that makes total sense. i guess that applies to every situation.. you need to be ready for the worst. i surely am but i just pray it wont happen. it really hurt when he told me he needed time to think and he would never answer what he needed time to think about. i really assumed he just wanted to find someone better. but now hes acting like were going out again... so so confusing! i WANT to be with him but i cant keep putting myself through all this crap, guilt and confusion. it really wears a person down. i find talking about it makes me feel not as alone and for awihle there i was feeling like a bad person for doing what i did!
dazzle22 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Well, first of all, remember that HE broke up with you. You are not together, so stop feeling guilty. It sounds to me like your ex is trying to "reframe" your relationship from "exclusive" to "FWB"....right?? He said he doesn't want to be your boyfriend but still wants to sleep with you. That means, if he's not your boyfriend he is free to sleep with other women too...AND you... you see? You do not owe him any explanation at all, nor should you give one. If you want any chance with this guy, you have to back way off, and be cool to him. You can't reward his double speak with your undying loyalty to him. Tell him you have better things to do over Christmas than spend time with an ex boyfriend who wants to demote you from girlfriend to FWB.
Author squirtle Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 yeah dazzle i see your point. its just so weird! now hes calling me babe and stuff again and totally acting like were together. calling me for like an hour everynight and texting me all day. he wouldnt speak to me for about a week after we broke up cause he was mad and THEN decided he needed time. so we hung out for a couple weeks til he had to go to work. he still tries to take me on dates and stuff too... its so weird! but yeh your post made me realize to stop beating myself up over it was not MY choice to end the relationship!
HLP234 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I guess I can take the same advice since mine is the exact opposite. Only thing about mine is she prolly won't realize what she took for granted and won't come back, since I've known her for so long and she hasn't gone back to any other of her bf's. Oh well I wish there was something I could do about it because I do want to be with her but its not in my control unless I just end it.
Author squirtle Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 yeah if ur anything like me u find it hard not to have control over a situation. but i guess thats love.... u cant make someone do what they dont want to do. over this break that well have together im making DAMN SURE to clear the air. either you are with me or youre not... i cant do the FWB thing with someone i care about so much it will only result in me getting hurt. if he does not want to be with me exclusively then we wont be at all. only problem is i will miss his friendship but maybe that will come with time. i guess its about focusing on OURSELVES!! cause the ones that are taking "breaks" from us are being selfish... so why cant we. it just makes me so mad sometimes
ADF Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Whether what you did is cheating in a technical sense doesn't make any difference. If your BF (ex-BF?), finds out, he'll be enraged and you two will be over for good. Frankly, what worries me is the way you put it--you "ended up fooling around" with somebody. No one "ends ups" doing something like. Phrasing it that way just lets you hide from the fact that it is something you chose to do. It makes it sounds like some kind of accident. My point is, it sounds like you are not really interested in this relationship with your BF. If you were, you wouldn't have "ended up" fooling around with someone else.
Author squirtle Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 the thing is... we ARE broken up. he is even on dating sites i know this for a fact. i know what i did was stupid but i was acting in the moment i suppose and pretty upset. he just acts as if we are together saying he misses me and so on. part of me wants to tell him while the other part thinks its none of his business what i do when he clearly broke up with me. thats the dilemma here.
HLP234 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I would just tell him. I know my girl and I are on a "break" and from what I found out from social networking sites is that she is spending a lot of time and even nights with this "best friend" that she has a connection with. This makes me mad simply put, but it would make me even more pissed if she did anything with him. Of course, she is controlling the break and refused to talk about our relationship whenever it came up so to her it may not be cheating, but to me it is. I just wouldn't be able to do the same thing because I have been going through a lot of pain..which means she doesn't understand that and does not have the same feelings she had before. You can't tell what his intentions are because you can't trust him now that he wanted a "break." I wouldn't be surprised if my girl came back home and started acting the same. I would be very weary as to what made her change but I doubt that will happen just because I know her so well. I say just let him know if you don't want him to keep acting like you too are together..and besides like you said, he ended it with you so what regrets do you have? By telling him at least you are being honest and letting him know he should not need a break, if you really care and love someone you work together not apart.
ADF Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) the thing is... we ARE broken up. he is even on dating sites i know this for a fact. i know what i did was stupid but i was acting in the moment i suppose and pretty upset. he just acts as if we are together saying he misses me and so on. part of me wants to tell him while the other part thinks its none of his business what i do when he clearly broke up with me. thats the dilemma here. Saying you were "acting in the moment" is no different than saying "I ended up" doing X. They are both ways of ducking responsibility. Please understand, I am not trying to be judemental. But you seem to think that if you can give your BF a good arguement--e.g. you and he were technically broken up when you got together with this other guy--he will say, "Oh, yeah. You're right. Never mind. " That will never happen. He's going to be pissed no matter what. Edited December 18, 2009 by ADF
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