jnd2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 A month or two ago I posted about my boyfriend and I and our possible open relationship. I, from the start, was perfectly OK with my boyfriend and best friend hooking up. She has always been if-e on the sex factor, and lately has said she doesn't think she can do it. She has always said she thinks it will end up being weird. Anyways, my boyfriend's best friend (who call each other their best man), has known bits and pieces about the situation. He has always said from the start it will ruin everyone's relationship and basically said no don't do it. He even gets mad about it and seems to have strong feelings against it. Well whenever we go out to bars and such, it's normally us 4 and whoever else. Well I don't think my boyfriend has let the thought of getting with my best friend go. They can get touchy/feely, but with our group of friends it's completely normal (as weird as that sounds!). Well when we all went out around Thanksgiving (all were drinking btw), my boyfriend and best friend ended up making out. His best friend also saw it. Shortly after we all wanted to go to one last bar, and his best friend and I left. When we got to the other bar we were waiting for them, and his best friend was basically mad and saying how could you let them do that and blah blah. I told him I don't care (which I really don't) and I forget exact words of the rest of the conversation, but it was the same thing of no you should let that open relationship idea go. I know many have already told me it shouldn't happen. I let the idea go of them actually hooking up, but if it happens it happens (although I don't think it will go any further). I was fine with the idea even before I had my end of the deal (which he still doesn't know happened). So, yes, that's mainly probably why I'm ok with them. But my main question is why does his best friend get SO mad about this idea? The only thing I can think of is maybe he's happy about our relationship and doesn't want us to ruin it? Jealous? Likes my best friend? Let me know what you think...
Malenfant Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 maybe he just thinks its a very bad idea that will eventually split the four of yours friendship up. regardless of whether you mind or not, your best friend shouldnt be getting off with your bloke. its just not the done thing. the fact that you dont care that they did, and the general tone of your post seems to indicate that you're not really bothered about your relationship. you're more concerned with what your guy's friend thinks!! what if your guy and your frind end up together? would that bother you?
Author jnd2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 in regards to our relationship: we have been together for just about 5 years. I love him so much, we are very comfortable with each other. I don't see my boyfriend pursuing her at all. Back when we talked about the whole open relationship thing, he told me one reason (on his end) that he wouldn't want to be alone with another girl is he only wants to share that intimacy/that connection with me and no one else in the world. He said he'd feel more comfortable with me there during "the deed", me on the other hand I wouldn't. I want him to be pleased, but I couldn't be around when it happens. with my best friend, she never 100% liked the idea of them being together. she doesn't want to ruin any relationships either- and also said she'd have to be really drunk, and then it's still a maybe. i'm not necessarily 'more concerned' about what he thinks. it's just that this situation has been going on for months now. yes, i overanalyze! i've asked questions before on other aspects of it, but now the 'focus' question is about him. there's a lot more to this story- previously posted, about my end of things- the original reason i'm on here.
Malenfant Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 i'm just trying to understand.. did your BF mention first that he liked your friend, or did she say she liked him? if he mentioned her first, how can you be so sure he wont pursue her? did you try to persuade her to make out with him? as you said she found it odd, and could only do it when drunk, so if she wasnt 100% comfortable with doing it, why encourage it? if thats how it was, it sounds a bit like your friend is being used to please your BF. why not just let your BF pick up some random girl in a club? I think that he really likes your friend in particular, otherwise, why would you invite a friend into a situation like this? generally an open relationship works when you both see people the other doesnt know, or if you swing together. you mentioned that you have had your piece too, but he doesnt know about it. how is that equal? inviting your friend into this situation is going to spell trouble at some point.
O'Malley Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 (edited) I let the idea go of them actually hooking up, but if it happens it happens (although I don't think it will go any further). I was fine with the idea even before I had my end of the deal (which he still doesn't know happened). Two reasons why I wouldn't classify your relationship as open. You won't tell your boyfriend about your sexual relationship with this other guy because you're afraid of how he'll respond to it. Possibly he would then proceed further with your friend or another woman -- that's retaliation, not openness. Even if your relationship was open, it would likely implode at some point. Concepts of no strings sex are easier to be blithe about than the reality of developing feelings for someone outside your relationship or seeing your partner with someone else while you're between sex partners. Absolutely stupid idea on your boyfriend's part to be going after your best friend instead of a woman neither of you is close to. It's also a terrible idea for you to be running around with a married coworker (whose wife is definitely not part of the arrangement) which could blow up in your face in a variety of ways. Edited December 16, 2009 by O'Malley
silic0ntoad Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I was fine with the idea even before I had my end of the deal (which he still doesn't know happened). So, yes, that's mainly probably why I'm ok with them. Well, it sounds to me like you're concealing this fact because your BF might be upset about it. Are you pushing your BF on your best friend to assauge your guilt over the situation? I don't see how any of this "open" relationship or "open" marriage works. Isn't the point of being in a relationship to be comitted to one person, as a whole? Otherwise, why not just be single and hook up with whoever you want?
Author jnd2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 they've never said they liked each other in that way. the idea of them getting together was at the beginning of the summer through him and i texting while we were apart (neither of us were back home), also when neither of us had any contact with another person. we had a whole long text conversation about the idea of an open relationship, but couldn't really agree on details. during that conversation is when my best friend came up as an idea. i guess you could say it stuck. another conversation (in person) was in a way "permission", of a one person one night deal, as long as the girl was my best friend. i would ask too many ?'s and wonder too much about another girl. anyways, the "we have permission" comes up between them (boyfriend and best friend), i think it's one of those i'm saying it as a joke but i'm serious. i did not persuade her to make out with him. that was all them. my best friend and i have talked about it, i don't want to push her into doing something she doesn't want. i don't want to lose her over something like this. she was an idea because i know her, i trust her (i've known her longer than my bf), and i know her sexual background. i wouldn't with a stranger. i know it's not equal with my end vs. his end. that's why i feel i can't be mad if he goes through with his end. yes, i know i've done something behind his back. yes, it's wrong. i don't see it 100% being wrong since i have no feelings for this guy at all, and i never lied to my bf about him. he knows we hung out, just me and him before. he's met him before too since we used to work together. i'm not 'pushing' my bf onto her. i'm just not going to stop them if it happens between them. i think i answered everyone's question. i appreciate feedback too, more is welcome. i know this isn't really a typical situation, so all advice is appreciated.
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