The debate about beauty

[starryeyed12]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I've been open with him about my issues with jealously and insecurity. It's my issue that I'm dealing with, and lately I've been having some confusion about what I should be able to accept and what I should not be able to accept from a man in regards to looking at other women.

 

We go into a debate about beauty. He told me that when he is, say, walking around in a mall he notices all of the people around him. He is a very observant person. He said that if a woman walks by who is attractive he will notice. He said that he will take more note of her if he finds her to be beautiful, but explained that he wouldn't do so if I was around. He claims that this habit of taking more notice is the same for a beautiful child or even man (how many men does he really find beautiful, please). He said that when something is pleasing to his eye, be it a sunset or a baby, he will take notice and a beautiful woman falls into this category. He went on to say that he thanks God for these beautiful sights because he is happy that their beauty can exist in an ugly world.

 

After he told me this, something in me felt small. I told him that something about this makes me feel less significant. I told him that I wanted to be the only woman that he sees as his sunset because our love and bond makes other peoples surface beauty less significant. I wish he would be thankful for me and us and not that beautiful woman who just walked by whom he knows not the slightest thing about. I don't want to really know that he is thankful for other beautiful women. I am thankful for beauty, but I guess I can't relate because I have never felt compelled to stop and be thankful for a beautiful man that walked by. I've been thankful for beauty in nature and beauty in people who have touched lives, but never the beauty of a model walking by or an attractive actor. He of course called me vain and insecure and said that makes me very ugly.

 

I'm working on my issues, but please share your thoughts. Is this acceptable and I should be comfortable with my boyfriend comparing beautiful women whom he doesn't know anything about to sunsets? Am i wrong for wanting him to be less captivated by such a surface level, shallow, fleeting thing as in that kind of beauty?

[Ariadne]

He is the only one to decide what he finds attractive.

 

If it's a woman or not it really doesn't matter.

[faf]

I've found most lookers describe themselves as people-watchers. To me, at face value, it seems an artistic, emotional way to get a free pass to check people out.

 

It's disrespectful if he does this while you two are out. If he only does this when on his own there's not much to do about it, at least he's letting you know he does. It sounds like he's de-personalizing it to alleviate your jealousy.

 

Do you think he's looking for someone else?

 

Most people have crushes on favorite actors, musicians or whatever based solely on looks, but since there's virtually no chance they'll meet them it's somewhat harmless even if it's childish.

[starryeyed12]

Thank you for your feedback.

 

I've found most lookers describe themselves as people-watchers. To me, at face value, it seems an artistic, emotional way to get a free pass to check people out.

 

I agree with you, and I think this is part of why it bothers me. He's definitely an emotional guy at times. Movies and music are his passions and he's really into pop culture, if that has a role in it all. He seems to have a very romantic view of beauty. I think that's part of what makes me feel uneasy, because I don't view the beauty of strangers in that way.

 

It's disrespectful if he does this while you two are out. If he only does this when on his own there's not much to do about it, at least he's letting you know he does.

 

At the beginning of our relationship he did this from time to time when we were out together. I would notice his eyes scanning the room and backpedaling in the direction of what could have been an attractive woman, but usually wasn't all that noteworthy after a second look. It really got under my skin. So I told him that, and he said that he is a people-watcher and its not always looks that makes him compelled to take a closer look. Maybe its the outfit being ridiculous or something like that, and he said he did it with men too. It was funny because I never noticed him doing that with guys, but after our talk I did see him taking a second glance at guys, but its always a guy doing something funny or looking out of place, never because that guy is like a sunset to him. It would probably be pretty odd if he viewed other men in that romantic sort of way, yet somehow its okay for him to see women in this way. Is there any logic in that to make it okay?

 

He's now made a conscious effort to keep his eyes on me and not care so much what other people in the room look like or are acting like when he's with me. But I think he feels like hes not able to be himself when I ask him to be this way.

 

It sounds like he's de-personalizing it to alleviate your jealousy.

 

Part of me does agree with you that the point of him sharing all this with me was to be honest and try to give me some kind of healthier view of beauty because he does know that I have jealousy/insecurity issues. I'm just not sure how I feel about him being this way, when I'm not.

 

Do you think he's looking for someone else?

 

I don't think so. He tells me that he doesn't hand out compliments at all, and he thinks I'm intelligent, gorgeous, sexy, challenging, and someone he wants to build a life with. I believe he's sincere in his feelings toward me, and he has made efforts to not give women a second look in my presence. We've been rocky lately, but it's mostly because of struggles trying to understand one another. He said when he notices these people, hes not about wanting to go up and flirt with them or try and get with them. He's just appreciating their beauty, and hes thankful for it. But I can't help admitting that something about that makes me feel less significant.

 

Most people have crushes on favorite actors, musicians or whatever based solely on looks, but since there's virtually no chance they'll meet them it's somewhat harmless even if it's childish.

 

He said hes always been able to talk about the people or celebrities that hes found attractive with his past girlfriends. I told him that just because they didn't say anything doesn't mean they necessarily liked it. I also said that I realize that hes going to have these attractions and so will I, but I find it disrespectful to talk about them with one another. I don't want to know that he thinks that actress is hot as were watching a movie with her in it. I told him if i want to know I'll ask. He has respected this wish for the most part, but he seems to think its immature and vain.

 

 

 

Am I vain or immature because of all that? Is it me who needs the adjustment because what I want isn't realistic or healthy?

[FilthMerchant]

Hopefully it will make you believe him if I say that, and I'm a man, yes my gaze will linger for longer on an attractive man than an unattractive man. I'm hetrosexual by anyone's standards and exclusively heterosexual in my sexual behaviour. Barely anyone, however, is 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual, we all have tendencies, however slight.

[starryeyed12]

Alright, so do you think that admiring a passing man or womans' looks is comparable to admiring a sunset or a painting? Do you think its a healthy reaction for your S.O. to be thankful for the well positioned features of passing men, women, and children who they know nothing about than their surface level appearance? Or does this sound like an artsy, emotional free pass to check other people out?

 

I admire and am moved by painting because it strikes a reaction deep in me. Its beautiful because I am able to relate to its feeling and mood, and that reaction is not solely based on its looks- the colors and brush strokes- but by analyzing what those colors and strokes are saying in conjunction with everything else and how they make me feel. I don't think I would ever be moved or touched enough to be thankful for another passing woman or mans looks based on their appearance alone. My mind would distinguish whether I thought they were attractive or not, but it would never strike me deep enough to categorize them in the same place as a sunset or painting. Looks alone is too shallow. If it was a woman artistically portrayed with colors and setting and had feeling and mood that's different, otherwise to me it's shallow glances that aren't necessary when you love someone and it makes them uncomfortable. Is that just vanity?

[JamesM]

He told me that when he is, say, walking around in a mall he notices all of the people around him. He is a very observant person. He said that if a woman walks by who is attractive he will notice. He said that he will take more note of her if he finds her to be beautiful, but explained that he wouldn't do so if I was around. He claims that this habit of taking more notice is the same for a beautiful child or even man (how many men does he really find beautiful, please). He said that when something is pleasing to his eye, be it a sunset or a baby, he will take notice and a beautiful woman falls into this category. He went on to say that he thanks God for these beautiful sights because he is happy that their beauty can exist in an ugly world.

 

Is this acceptable and I should be comfortable with my boyfriend comparing beautiful women whom he doesn't know anything about to sunsets? Am i wrong for wanting him to be less captivated by such a surface level, shallow, fleeting thing as in that kind of beauty?

 

I think he is a bit stupid first of all for telling you this as he did. He may be observant about outward appearances, but he seems to have little sensitivity to how others receive his comments.

 

I look at other people, and I even notice beautiful women. Oddly, not as often as one might think. My wife jokes how when a beautiful woman and a dog walks by, that I cannot even describe the woman...but the dog? I can almost give its pedigree.

 

My point is...it is about priority. I don't make it a point to look at women or men or children. But I do notice them once in awhile. When my wife and I are out, she will be quicker to point out someone to me (mostly women) and get my response. This is not done in jealousy or as a test. She wants to know my male opinion.

 

As for thanking God for beautiful people, this is malarky and disrespectful to God and everyone else in Hi creation. Implied in this statement is..."anyone I do not perceive as beautiful does not deserve thanks to God."

 

Fact is...true genuine praise to God would be thanking Him for everyone that is in this world. All are beautiful and worthy. Or the reverse could be...all humans are little before God. Outward beauty is NOT something that we should thank God for making without also realizing that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

 

I have no problem with a guy or gal appreciating beauty, but I think his reasons are faulty and disrespectful.

[imagine]

Girl, this is one argument that a guy can never win. Its like the question: Does this dress make me look fat.

 

If you want to hear an answer like "When I'm with you I can only think of you". Fine- then you are encouraging dishonesty. Dishonesty kills marriages, it makes people walk on eggs around you.

 

So far this has been about your desires... Share beauty together. Acknowledge beautiful women. You instigate but he can call attention to some pretty characteristic. Tell him that you want to look more beautiful for him.

 

Explain the rules beforehand.

[faf]

It would probably be pretty odd if he viewed other men in that romantic sort of way, yet somehow its okay for him to see women in this way. Is there any logic in that to make it okay?

 

I think it would be odd. I can say when a guy is good-looking or not (some guys say they can't even do that) but I don't watch good-looking guys walk around. If a dad is playing with his kids or something I might watch if it looks fun or is entertaining.

 

He's now made a conscious effort to keep his eyes on me and not care so much what other people in the room look like or are acting like when he's with me. But I think he feels like hes not able to be himself when I ask him to be this way.

 

I think it's good he took that step. I can understand a little guilt and I'd probably be more forgiving if he looked around from time to time.

 

 

Part of me does agree with you that the point of him sharing all this with me was to be honest and try to give me some kind of healthier view of beauty because he does know that I have jealousy/insecurity issues. I'm just not sure how I feel about him being this way, when I'm not.

 

I can't relate with him but if he's that type of person then it's just what he does. As long as you two are secure in the relationship I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. There are tons of attractive people out there but I don't go chasing every one of them. You could say that out of all the attractive people out there he chose you and you chose him. That might be able to build a strong foundation for you.

 

 

I don't want to know that he thinks that actress is hot as were watching a movie with her in it. I told him if i want to know I'll ask. He has respected this wish for the most part, but he seems to think its immature and vain.

 

I agree with you. I think it's immature to have idealistic crushes on celebrities who you've never met. Still, I find some more attractive than others. I wouldn't blurt this out to my girlfriend though. It's not sharing material unless she asks.

 

I don't think you're vain or immature at all.

 

Sounds like we have similar opinions on the way we like to be treated. Early in my relationship, my girlfriend complimented me on how I don't check out other women whether it's driving, in restaurants, shopping, or anywhere. That made me feel good. I wasn't consciously avoiding looking at anyone either. I told her she's so beautiful if I had to look anywhere, it'd be at her. A bit on the dramatic side but I wanted to give a romantic compliment and I do find her extremely attractive.

 

I've seen her looking at other people and I do too but both of us do it very briefly with few exceptions. I don't think it's wrong for someone to notice an attractive person but if they're following someone with their eyes or it seems they're trying to make eye contact to make that brief connection with another person, then it passes the boundary of "okay" for me.

 

We were at a diner and a waitress flashed me a smile as she walked behind my girlfriend. I smiled back, of course. My girlfriend turned her head nearly all the way around to see who I smiled at. We were talking about "us" and I managed to keep good eye contact with her but for a while I was staring out the window watching the cars go by. We weren't at a window seat so she craned her head around to see if I was staring at someone. She told me as much too, that she thought I was staring at someone but no one was sitting where I was looking.

 

I've seen her do it less than a handful of times. Once I was paying the bill for a dinner and she was standing there talking to my daughter but looking at a good looking guy in a both who she'd glanced at a few times while we were eating. Was a family dinner, not a romantic one. If it were romantic I would have been peeved. I didn't say anything but was tempted to wave my hand in front of her face. Still... I've done things like that when talking to another person, absentmindedly.

 

We both don't like it but we still both do it to a very small degree in our day to day activities. It's very minimal and my notion of "very small degree" might be imperceptible to many people as I tend to be very aware of people-watching.

 

The problem I would have in your situation is it would make it look to everyone else that my boyfriend is looking for someone better as I sit right there and tolerate it. That doesn't sound like it's the actual case in your relationship but maybe that's part of the jealousy/insecurity too? I know a lot of people and it'd be embarrassing to have it come back to me that my significant other checks out people all the time.

 

It seems like you're focused on him but he's not focused on you. That gives him a little bit of power over you. With some people it makes them try harder to be noticed and can draw them in closer for attention-seeking. Maybe he's going for that consciously or subconsciously?

 

Do you people-watch at times? Do you consciously stop it when he's around?

 

One alternative would be to people-watch with him but I don't know if that'd be a real solution or one that just enables an activity of his that you don't like.

Edited December 16, 2009 by faf

[faf]

As for thanking God for beautiful people, this is malarky and disrespectful to God and everyone else in Hi creation. Implied in this statement is..."anyone I do not perceive as beautiful does not deserve thanks to God."

 

Fact is...true genuine praise to God would be thanking Him for everyone that is in this world. All are beautiful and worthy. Or the reverse could be...all humans are little before God. Outward beauty is NOT something that we should thank God for making without also realizing that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

 

I have no problem with a guy or gal appreciating beauty, but I think his reasons are faulty and disrespectful.

 

Good point James

[Adunaphel]

 

As for thanking God for beautiful people, this is malarky and disrespectful to God and everyone else in Hi creation. Implied in this statement is..."anyone I do not perceive as beautiful does not deserve thanks to God."

 

Fact is...true genuine praise to God would be thanking Him for everyone that is in this world. All are beautiful and worthy. Or the reverse could be...all humans are little before God. Outward beauty is NOT something that we should thank God for making without also realizing that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

 

I have no problem with a guy or gal appreciating beauty, but I think his reasons are faulty and disrespectful.

 

I could not agree more.

 

He of course called me vain and insecure and said that makes me very ugly.

I also find this very disrespectful... he is dismissing your feelings, and at the same time making you feel worse.

Such an attitude is certainly not going to help an insecure partner!

[threebyfate]

We are all composites, rather than one facet. People can appreciate one facet of others without bonding to them. IF your b/f is the type to feel that the superficial is his priority, head and shoulders above everything else, then it's time to dump him. IF he's a more balanced individual, he's bonded to you for all kinds of reasons.

 

Another way to look at it is, can you appreciate another man for his intelligence but stay monogamous to your man?

[JamesM]

 

Another way to look at it is, can you appreciate another man for his intelligence but stay monogamous to your man?

 

I suspect of you begin to relate how you admire certain men for what they accomplished and how much they make...and thank God for such men in this poor world where so many men are unmotivated to reach success, then perhaps he may realize that he, too, is insecure.

[threebyfate]

I suspect of you begin to relate how you admire certain men for what they accomplished and how much they make...and thank God for such men in this poor world where so many men are unmotivated to reach success, then perhaps he may realize that he, too, is insecure.

You have a point, if he's in the least bit concerned about this. It wouldn't bother me personally.

 

I normally argue for looking, since I'll openly admit I look too. Most people do, whether they're conscious of it or not.

[RobM]

I find nothing wrong with looking at or noticing other people, guys or women, beautiful or not. It wouldn't bother me at all if my wife does it, I would find it odd if she doesn't. It wouldn't bother me at all if she looks at another guy and finds him attractive, maybe he is. Her thinking that doesn't have anything to do with me. It wouldn't even bother me if she compared us, found him more attractive, maybe he is, so what. She's still married to me and is still going home with me. That's enough for me, I'm not so vain to think I'm the best looking guy in the world, I know I'm not, if my wife said I was I'd think she was nuts.

 

He's dating you, he's with you, isn't that enough or do you have to control his every thought? I'm sorry, I just cannot for the life of me understand how him looking at other women is showing any disrespect for you.

[starryeyed12]

Thank you for the responses, they are helping me with this thought process, which is very conflicting for me. As I have said, I can admit that I am jealous and insecure, but trying to work through it. At the same time, I want to feel respected by my partner.

 

I think he is a bit stupid first of all for telling you this as he did. He may be observant about outward appearances, but he seems to have little sensitivity to how others receive his comments.

 

Bingo. He told me that he has a tendancy to speak first and think later. His defense for such behavior is that its usually just passing thoughts in his head that are meaningless and he doesn't mean them in a hurtful way. He is just expressing himself. He's begun to have more of a filter around me because he says things that bruise my ego, and after arguing how hes just trying to speak his mind, he will sometimes later applogize. But once again, having to have any kind of filter around me makes him feel like hes not able to be himself completely.

 

Fact is...true genuine praise to God would be thanking Him for everyone that is in this world. All are beautiful and worthy. Or the reverse could be...all humans are little before God. Outward beauty is NOT something that we should thank God for making without also realizing that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

 

I have no problem with a guy or gal appreciating beauty, but I think his reasons are faulty and disrespectful.

 

I totally agree.

 

I don't have a problem accepting that he is going to appreciate the beauty of others, and I have before too. My problem is that I want him to respect my feelings and the fact that I do not want to know about his opinions of other women unless I ask. I don't openly share with him when I find another guy attractive. But, I also don't see that guy the same way I would see a sunset or a painting because looks alone are too superficial to fit in that category. Like you said, all people and things can be found beautiful if you choose to look at it in that way. I don't go around thinking that all the people walking around at the mall are works of art. It still feels like an dramatic, artys free pass to check people out.

 

Do you people-watch at times? Do you consciously stop it when he's around?

One alternative would be to people-watch with him but I don't know if that'd be a real solution or one that just enables an activity of his that you don't like.

 

There have been times when I have purposly given a guy a second look just to see if he says anything, and he didn't. The thing is, I pretty much have to make a conscious effort to look that hard at another man. It would be a rare day if I ever saw, in passing, a man who made me want to thank God for his surface beauty alone. He'd have to be a frickin angel.

 

 

 

He of course called me vain and insecure and said that makes me very ugly. I also find this very disrespectful... he is dismissing your feelings, and at the same time making you feel worse.

Such an attitude is certainly not going to help an insecure partner!

 

But if I am I being overly sensitive, vain, and insecure, do I deserve to have him point it out to me? Are my desires unhealthy?

[Malenfant]

Bingo. He told me that he has a tendancy to speak first and think later. His defense for such behavior is that its usually just passing thoughts in his head that are meaningless and he doesn't mean them in a hurtful way. He is just expressing himself. He's begun to have more of a filter around me because he says things that bruise my ego, and after arguing how hes just trying to speak his mind, he will sometimes later applogize. But once again, having to have any kind of filter around me makes him feel like hes not able to be himself completely.

 

maybe not talking about it would help. I dont mean we shouldnt talk about issues, but its a very sensitive subject for you, he's not very good at explaining himself, and ultimately he digs a hole for himself and you get upset. might be easier just to not mention it?

 

 

I don't have a problem accepting that he is going to appreciate the beauty of others, and I have before too. My problem is that I want him to respect my feelings and the fact that I do not want to know about his opinions of other women unless I ask. I don't openly share with him when I find another guy attractive. But, I also don't see that guy the same way I would see a sunset or a painting because looks alone are too superficial to fit in that category. Like you said, all people and things can be found beautiful if you choose to look at it in that way. I don't go around thinking that all the people walking around at the mall are works of art. It still feels like an dramatic, artys free pass to check people out.

 

oh I see..thats different... he shouldnt just say stuff like that. regardless of his meaning its crass and hurtfull to go on about other women. likewise, you dont say when you think a guy is nice. he should respect you and not say anything.

if it was me, i'd get super mad when he did it. he'd soon learn (i hope).

Maybe because you ask him about it he thinks its fine for him to bring it up of his own accord.

I would just not go there, for the sake of peace.

 

 

There have been times when I have purposly given a guy a second look just to see if he says anything, and he didn't. The thing is, I pretty much have to make a conscious effort to look that hard at another man. It would be a rare day if I ever saw, in passing, a man who made me want to thank God for his surface beauty alone. He'd have to be a frickin angel.

 

he's not sensitive like you, and maybe he just thinks you're admiring the view. Also, if he thinks you're feeling the same way he does when he sees a beautiful woman, he knows you're not being nasty or disrespectfull, because he doesnt think he is. he's only going to judge your actions by how he would feel if he were doing it. I think he majorly lacks the empathy to understand that something he is doing is upsetting you

 

 

But if I am I being overly sensitive, vain, and insecure, do I deserve to have him point it out to me? Are my desires unhealthy?

 

no, he shouldnt add to your insecurities. but its also difficult for him to disuade you from feeling otherwise, as he has no tact, he may get frustrated and just blurt stuff out so as to avoid having to think carefully.

 

In depth conversations and being asked deep and meaningfull questions about a subject they probably see as 2 dimensional is very hard work sometimes. he probably just wants to end the discussion.

[Ms. Joolie]

Hi, Starryeyed.... what an interesting post. I do have thoughts about it that I'd like to share.

 

I think, from what you have written, that your partner's appreciation for beauty is legit. It doesn't sound like he has a wondering eye for whatever woman suits his fancy. Just the fact that he mentions beauty and sunsets and babies seems to me that he truly is taking this to another level.

 

Who knows what's behind his admiration of beauty. Sounds like an interesting guy, maybe he has a lot more about this subject to share with you if you let him.

 

As for the feelings of jealousy and insecurity, I think it's important to address these. Are insecure because you are afraid of losing your partner? Are you jealous because you think other women are more attractive than you are?

 

You have your partner, and you have your own beauty. Until you really grasp this, you will continue to be jealous and insecure. In other words, instead of securing yourself with your partner by focusing on your relationship with him (a beautiful relationship) you are distracted by insecurity. Instead of of focusing on your own beauty, with the beautiful woman that you are, you are jealous of women around you.

 

Don't set yourself up. Consciously change your thoughts to secure your relationship and relish your own beauty. It's not an overnight thing, it's a process, but unless you change your thoughts and commit to what it takes to secure those thoughts you are setting yourself up for feelings of jealousy, insecurity, resentment, etc.... and acting on those simply by default.

[starryeyed12]

no, he shouldnt add to your insecurities. but its also difficult for him to disuade you from feeling otherwise, as he has no tact, he may get frustrated and just blurt stuff out so as to avoid having to think carefully.

 

In depth conversations and being asked deep and meaningfull questions about a subject they probably see as 2 dimensional is very hard work sometimes. he probably just wants to end the discussion.

 

I think you make a good point. This is probably the reason why his comments came out so viciously (vain, insecure, and very ugly).

 

 

I think, from what you have written, that your partner's appreciation for beauty is legit. It doesn't sound like he has a wondering eye for whatever woman suits his fancy. Just the fact that he mentions beauty and sunsets and babies seems to me that he truly is taking this to another level.

 

 

Maybe he does see some women as he sees a sunset or art. But, does the fact that that type of beauty exists justify him to look for it when he knows I find it hurtful at this point in my maturity? If his reasoning is legit, how often does he actually see this kind of beauty, and how closely do you have to be watching others to notice it? When we are together, I want him to not care if the most beautiful woman is walking by because he doesn't know a damn thing about her. He can aknowedge her attraction, but thats where the line should stop. Looks alone is not enough to propel someone to such heights in my mind. If its a beautiful woman in an atistic photo, that may be different. The photo captured a still-life mood, era, setting, feeling, color, emotion, it is more than just a passing face. Random passerbyers should not be looked at in this way unless he is looking for it, and why should he be looking for it when I am with him? I should be his sunset.

 

Instead of of focusing on your own beauty, with the beautiful woman that you are, you are jealous of women around you.

 

 

Sometimes it takes real effort to see your own beauty. You look at yourself every single day, and your face looks slightly different from day to day. There are days when you think, "wow I am beautiful" and you wonder why you ever let yourself think otherwise. Then there are days that you feel off. At 24 years old, I can't say that I am or will ever be 100% comfortable in my own skin. I don't believe anyone ever truely is to that extent, even those beautiful women who are compared to sunsets. I don't think I should feel like I'm vain because I get insecure sometimes. I don't think I should feel like less of a person because I am stung by pangs of jealousy sometimes. I am a human being. I may never be completely comfortable in my own skin until I'm 75 years old for all I know, but until then I don't think its too much to ask for my man to respect my feelings and keep his thoughts to himself. Maybe I will be able to hear all his opinions on who he thinks is beautiful when I feel comfortable enough, but it certainly isn't now.

 

Thank you for all your insights!!

Edited December 17, 2009 by starryeyed12

[torranceshipman]

As for thanking God for beautiful people, this is malarky and disrespectful to God and everyone else in Hi creation. Implied in this statement is..."anyone I do not perceive as beautiful does not deserve thanks to God. Fact is...true genuine praise to God would be thanking Him for everyone that is in this world. All are beautiful and worthy. Or the reverse could be...all humans are little before God. Outward beauty is NOT something that we should thank God for making without also realizing that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

 

 

Disrespectful in YOUR conception of what God would or wouldn't approve of as a statement. We all have a different relationship with/attitude to God and how we view the world, and I don't think you should be negatively standing in judgement over this guys' feelings towards his thanking God for something. I think that what he said was very sweet and it is a lovely idea that he wants to thank God for beauty. He probably thanks God for a lot of other things too, but they just are't discussed here as it would be irrelevant to the post.

[starryeyed12]

Disrespectful in YOUR conception of what God would or wouldn't approve of as a statement. We all have a different relationship with/attitude to God and how we view the world, and I don't think you should be negatively standing in judgement over this guys' feelings towards his thanking God for something.

 

Point taken, but it still doesn't solve the issues that something inside me does not like the fact that he uses this reasoning as a validation to check out other women when he knows I feel disrespected. I'm not trying to make him go blind. He will have thousands of chances to view other women. When hes with me, I want to feel like I am his sunset.

[JamesM]

Disrespectful in YOUR conception of what God would or wouldn't approve of as a statement. We all have a different relationship with/attitude to God and how we view the world, and I don't think you should be negatively standing in judgment over this guys' feelings towards his thanking God for something. I think that what he said was very sweet and it is a lovely idea that he wants to thank God for beauty. He probably thanks God for a lot of other things too, but they just are't discussed here as it would be irrelevant to the post.

 

I am not standing in judgment OVER him. I am simply stating how I see it. And as you tell me not to stand in judgment, I cannot help but notice that your statement does that to mine.

 

My point is...he decides what he sees as beautiful and thanks God for said beauty. And everyone who he thinks is not beautiful in an ugly world (see OPs comments above)...well, those people and things gets no thanks given to God. Implied is that they are not worthy of praise or thanks. I simply said and will say again, God made all things beautiful in its own way.

 

And my additional point is...he is using rationale to "look" at people which he may be (according to the OP) doing in direct contrast to what God in the Bible says about looking upon another woman.

 

I think that the whole gist of this discussion is...this Bf is staring at other people while knowing that how he does it is not appreciated by his GF.

[FilthMerchant]

Alright, so do you think that admiring a passing man or womans' looks is comparable to admiring a sunset or a painting? Do you think its a healthy reaction for your S.O. to be thankful for the well positioned features of passing men, women, and children who they know nothing about than their surface level appearance? Or does this sound like an artsy, emotional free pass to check other people out?

 

I admire and am moved by painting because it strikes a reaction deep in me. Its beautiful because I am able to relate to its feeling and mood, and that reaction is not solely based on its looks- the colors and brush strokes- but by analyzing what those colors and strokes are saying in conjunction with everything else and how they make me feel. I don't think I would ever be moved or touched enough to be thankful for another passing woman or mans looks based on their appearance alone. My mind would distinguish whether I thought they were attractive or not, but it would never strike me deep enough to categorize them in the same place as a sunset or painting. Looks alone is too shallow. If it was a woman artistically portrayed with colors and setting and had feeling and mood that's different, otherwise to me it's shallow glances that aren't necessary when you love someone and it makes them uncomfortable. Is that just vanity?

 

It's a deep-rooted biological instinct that neither you nor him will be able to get rid of. Luckily, checking people out is harmless unless he acts on it (he probably won't). It's just one of those things you don't ask about, because it's really nothing wrong, and just uncomfortable to discuss, just like how you don't ask about exes.

[NoIDidn't]

Many people watchers are very insecure as well. They watch others to monitor how they think they might be coming off socially.

 

I think your BF is just as insecure as he claims to think you are. That and rude. Its okay to look. Its not okay to do so when your GF says she doesn't like you doing it in her presence and try to rationalize it away by insulting her.