condogal Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 hi, a question for anyone who can help....what would you do if maybe reconciliation is a possibility for me and my ex...how stupid would it look of me when his family knows all the turmoil that went on...like the cops being called, me in jail for the night...restraining order...(my ex saw red and went crazy to punish me for my bad behavior)...but now there son misses me and might want me back..and i might consider it...i know it's bad but we have 6 years under us and we really do love eachother...but his family knows what he did to me and i'm ashamed and in the end of all this i fought with his sister and his mother...i don't know what to think or do...can we really be 1 big happy family you think 1 day??
Kantor Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Sounds like you have a lot of things to work out. Perhaps it would be best to move on and get things straight in your life before you go back to a life where the problems with you and others need fixing. Sounds like a bad situation to me, and one you should stay away from.
Author condogal Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Thanks Kantor, but i really need something more detailed/explained for me...it's unfortunate my situation... but when love is still there...what do you do?...i know our situation sounds very very crazy...i feel so ashamed...i really need help sorting this out...someone experienced here?...no offense...thanks so much...
norajane Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Re-read your previous thread. The advice in there still stands. Your ex hasn't changed, and neither have your relationship dynamics so there is no reason to believe it will work out this time. Especially with a restraining order between you. His family is the least of your worries, but they are the ones who made him who he is and they will always take his side, not yours.
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Nora, what if i told you he has come around and wanted to talk and was very empathetic...i'm so confused!...but i love him...;(
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 wow...it's really slow tonight huh...2 responses and 108 views...is my story too unfixable?...i hope not...;(
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Nora, what if i told you he has come around and wanted to talk and was very empathetic...i'm so confused!...but i love him...;( That's what he always does, so he can manipulate you into getting what he wants. REREAD your other thread. It's all in there. In your own words! You may love him, but so what? Women who are physically abused also love their husbands. And those husbands also come on all sorry and so sweet after they hit them. And the women are reminded how much they love their husbands and believe maybe this time, he'll stay sweet instead of smacking her again one day. And they're always wrong, because their abusive husbands haven't "changed". They're still the same guy, just manipulating them with sweetness, but will continue hitting them. Loving someone doesn't mean the right choice is to stay with him. Why are you in your condo right now? How did that happen? THAT guy who made that happen has NOT changed. I know you're not going to listen to me. I know you're going to go back to him, because you are easily manipulated by him - he's been doing it for so long, he knows exactly what to do to push your buttons. Do yourself a favor, though. Don't rent out that condo. You'll soon need to move back there again, so keep it available for yourself.
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 And read this. You might find it helpful. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213605/
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Thanks Nora!! your great, very much appreciated...but it seems he's telling me that i need to work on my neurosies...not sure how that's spelled......like how i drink when i'm truly upset at him and he doesn't like a woman he will marry to drink...he's worried about his future with me because he doesn't want that around his possible children with me...but i would nevvvvverrrrr drink around my kids if i had any...he's made me so upset at times and i've gotten crazy and i feel i've created the embarresements... but why do i feel he is sooo right?...that i should chill more and stop wanting us to advance so quickly....uhhhh 6 years...hello???...i'm 35!!...he's 33 soon!...he is more distant and cautious and confused about me more than i am right now...why am i more sure to be with him forever more than he is at this point...but hey he came by here last night and we talked till 6am...made love and it was a good positive chat....i'm so confused...my guy is not a drunk, he's responsable...a saver...and has a good future for himself...i'm not dealing with a no car, has nothing to offer loser...i'm so confused...
Island Girl Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Girlfriend you have got it bad. And it appears he does too. Look. It doesn't matter what anyone here says. It doesn't matter what he family thinks etc. You aren't done with him. You never were moving on or separating yourself from him. The two of you are in a sense addicted to each other. When there is this kind of dynamic there is just no saying enough things to you to be able blind you from the hope that lives inside of you that it WILL work out. It is the only thing you really see and want to see. You will always have a way to see possibilities and positives. I have seen a case, firsthand, of this actually in the end work out. That was 7 years ago and they are together better than they ever have been. Two of my friends had similar situations at different times and they went through all of the on going mess of it all until they were done. It didn't matter what happened or what was said to them - they just had to do it until they just one day were over it. And that same day it was over finally. You aren't done. It might be that you should be. But you aren't.
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 it seems he's telling me that i need to work on my neurosiesAnd have you told him that he needs to work on HIS neuroses? And his manipulative behavior? And his emotional abuse? Don't you see - in the midst of trying to convince you to come back, he's already poking at you to CHANGE so that you can be who he wants you to be. And that still will not be enough, because nothing will ever be enough to please him. Stop trying to please him! It's not supposed to be this hard! And it's not supposed to get you thrown in jail! 6 years, lots of moving in and out, lots of threats to break up with you every time you displease him and don't act the way he wants you to, AND one night in jail and a restraining order...it doesn't matter that he has a job and a car. He's still TOXIC and bad for you.
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Wow, you got it IslandGirl!!...i just don't get what this kind of relationship means???...thankyou soooooo much!!!
Island Girl Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 you got it IslandGirl!!...i just don't get what this kind of relationship means???...thankyou soooooo much!!! It means you are going to keep this up and it will either be the same over and over again until one or both of you are just finished with the drama and willing to move on to someone else or you will at some point get it together and fix what is wrong with the two of you. Either way. The only thing that matters to either of you if what you say to each other. You aren't going to listen or put stock into anything that calls that into question either. You will find something else to counter the weight.
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 How much more of your life do you want to waste on him? You aren't getting any younger. I imagine you want a marriage, children? YOu'd better get this ass out of your system and start dating again, or that will never happen. All you'll get with him is more abuse. The dude SENT YOU TO JAIL. Does this really not have any impact on you?
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Nora!!! yes, yes, yes...toxic for me cuz i have never been this way in other relationships...Nora, you are so right it's scary......what does this type of relationship form, that he does ,mean??...i really feel i must have faults tho!....ughhh but you are very right about never being enough in pleasing him....more scratch meals, decadent house cleaning...and not saying boo about what my wants and needs are in terms of marriage movement and having kids...that i should chill and it will fall into place with time...he always says he's unsure about me because i bring up things that he doesn't want to deal with forever with me....like the ugly fat haitien chic he slept with from work while we were broken up...that i found out about cuz of my gut feelings...well he still has to work with her and tells me if you never get over that we will never make it...well i'm trying to be human about it...but fuh he works with her still and will for our maybe 30 years married life??...i'm really trying to be reasonable...really...but i've changed because of what he did...and anyone who knows me will tell you i am wayyyy hotter than her....i just don't get it...how does anyone cope with this...
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 No one has to cope with "this". They leave. And find someone better to live their lives with. Because staying just means you're asking for more of the same.
Island Girl Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Oh geez. And then he has your head spinning too about being with the other girl and you have that whole mess going on about being "hotter". That add a whole separate aspect to this. You also feel like you should be with him to show you ARE indeed better. You DO realize that is YOUR issue and it just triggered some kind of insecurity bond with him too now? It has become yet another reason you feel compelled to stay with him. What you have is two people who found each other and burn HOT. BUT the two of you push ALL THE WRONG BUTTONS in each other. It is a volatile situation because when good it is oooohhhh so good. But when it turns ugly it is really really ugly.
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Yes!! ohhhhhh so good with him but when ugly....ohhhh ugly...i'm not wanting to stay with him to validate that i'm hotter than her...i'm just trying to understand his ****!!...and trust me a big part of me wants to really move on big time...it's just all too hurtful for me...like i love him but hate him!just can you help on what his past and present behavior means???he swears he thinks nil of this co-worker, that she's invisible to him...and with this time apart from me...still...he'd never subjected to doing anything with her....ever!!...that i should really put it past me cuz the past will kill our future....his words...thanks you girls...your amazing...much hugs...
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 What you should be asking is if he still has the restraining order out on you. If he can get you arrested AGAIN if you get near him when he's in a snit. If you are willing to be controlled like that. As for the girl, he wanted to f*ck her at that time, so he did. That's all it means. It's just another example of him doing and getting what he wants, regardless of your feelings or its impact on you.
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Thanks Nora! I won't worry about the R/O for now as i've been without him a month and starting to feel i can do without him still...but can you please explain him?...what does it mean when he once said that he went with her because i gave up on us in our past breakups....that i had dated other guys and mentioned to him how i was treated better...he said he went with her...mind you...(8 times)...ughhh...barf!!...because he was trying to heal that way cuz i was dating in between our breakups...but then last night his story changed and said it was curiousity to be with a black girl??...wha tha fuh??...help me understand this...anyhow he called me tonight and i didn't answer but i texted him back saying that it's wierd how his story changed on the reasons of his encounters with her and that i need to move on because we are very different...the end...
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) He meant that you dated other people during break-ups, so he decided to f*ck someone else. And he chose someone who intrigued him. He wasn't trying to "heal". He wanted sex. And to get back at you. To punish you. And you SHOULD be worrying about the restraining order. You said he was at your house and you had sex with him recently. If you go near him, he can have you arrested. Really, do you want that hanging over your head? You SHOULD be worrying about the criminal record you have now, and your fingerprints being on file with the police, and his ability to have you thrown in jail again on his whim. You think he won't get mad at you again? You think he won't call the police again? He's seen how easy it is, and he's seen that you will still see him and talk to him and have sex with him despite that fact that you are now a criminal according to the police all because HE WANTED TO PUNISH YOU. From now on, when you apply for jobs, you have to answer YES on the application where they ask if you've ever been arrested. Don't you get it? There is no point wasting your time trying to understand him. You should understand only that you must get away from him before he totally ruins your life, more than he has already. Edited December 18, 2009 by norajane
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Nora, thanks for answering back...it means so much...i just don't see him going any further with more drama that has already transpired...he feels guilt and humiliation from what he did to me...as for taking the R/O off...in time it should get removed if i know him well enough as i won't go to him to ask for this...i need to keep my pride at this point and let him sink in his own right or wrong decision making on this subject...as for the co-worker...why did the reasons of why he did it change?...if you remember his two seperate reasons on my earlier threads...thankyou!!...hugs.
Author condogal Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Nora, and apparently i don't have a criminal record as per what the police said that night but i did have to take a pic and do fingerprints...the cops said it's mandatory but not for a record...
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Because he's a freaking ass, that's why. He manipulates. He controls. He told you one thing when he wanted you to believe it, and then he told you another because he wanted to hurt you. People manipulate with information. With lies. Half truths. Partial truths. Lies of omission. And by manipulating the information they give you, they manipulate you into reacting one way or another. He told you he was trying to "heal" by f*cking someone else? And you lapped it up, thinking he must be oh soooo hurt not having you. But really, he just wanted to f*ck her because he was horny and she interested him. And he told you that when he wanted to hurt you and make you feel insecure. And he succeeded, didn't he? You can't get her off your mind and that's more important to you than the fact that you just spent a night IN JAIL because of him. Honestly, take those rose-colored glasses off.
norajane Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hi Nora, and apparently i don't have a criminal record as per what the police said that night but i did have to take a pic and do fingerprints...the cops said it's mandatory but not for a record... Where do you think those fingerprints and picture go? Into a police file. That they will keep. That's your record.
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