McGrupp Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 hey ive been broken up with the ex for like almost 4 months, but ive been doing a lot of reading on relationships and trying to devulge what actually happened to us. anyway...last year my ex went out without me, said i wasnt allowed to go, told me the men she would be with. i was of course not cool with this, but after a verbal fight i told her i was ok with her going. it was also her bday. she kissed one of the guys there. told me in the morning. i broke up with her. she pledded to come back for 2 weeks. i took her. for like the next 8 months or so we were all good. and then she became distant again, leading me to believe something was going on (we were kinda long distance so i couldnt see for myself and had to do this all over the phone) my insecurities got the best of me. i accused her of cheating again. this evntually led to us breaking up ( lots of arguments, me wanting to see her, etc.) so in hindsight, was i wrong to take her back? i think its more the act (you cant come with me) then the actual kissing. ive had friends (usually the more secure) say it shouldve been over right then. ive had others (my parents actually) who said it was just kissing and thats not cheating. at the time i thought it was ok to take her back. but i guess i never forgot and someone once said forgive = forget thoughts? doesnt really matter too much, just kinda inside my own head at 1 am...
Author McGrupp Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 i mean you can rationalize it (she was drunk, the dude took advantage) or you can say **** that, who disees their so on their bday? were done anyway. gotta stop living in the past
Angel1111 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I would call kissing someone else cheating. It was no doubt a huge insult to you, and rightly so. Not only that, it was her birthday and she didn't want you with her? That alone sets off alarm bells. It sounds like the kissing scenario was pre-meditated on her part. Yeah, it should've been over at that point but sometimes it takes things like this for us to decide where to draw the line.
carhill Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 IMO, it depends on the kind of kiss, the person and the circumstances. I've done it both ways, cheating and not cheating and, IMO, the difference is the feelings behind the expression. Only your ex knows for sure what those feelings were. My instinct is, if it was an old friend (not ex or sexual partner), less likely to be cheating, than if an ex/partner or picked up stranger. That would be my boundary. Yours and someone else's might differ. Relationship boundaries are unique to each relationship and the individuals involved. If you went out on your birthday and kissed a girl while celebrating, would you consider that you cheated on your GF? See how it works? It isn't as black and white as seen at first blush. Who is the girl? What was the mood? What was your intent? What kind of kiss was it? BTW, I don't think alcohol is a reason or excuse. If the impetus is there, it's there. The alcohol just removes a filter or two. In instances where I broached boundaries of fidelity, even while drinking, I knew exactly what I was doing and the impetus for those actions was there. No ambiguity about that. Never let a woman convince you otherwise because she 'got swept away' or a 'guy took advantage'. BS.
aerogurl87 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Yes kissing is cheating in my opinion, actually anything you wouldn't do with someone you're attracted to in front of your SO is cheating to me. I understand that it's easier to forgive then to forget, but OP I don't understand why it took you 8 months to figure out that the relationship wasn't going to work. My ex claimed it took him 5 months to realize that he couldn't be with me after I cheated on him (and we were long distance too) and I never understood why it took him that long to figure it out. But now I'm rambling, so I will quietly go away in peace...
carhill Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Ah, but that's the sticky wicket, as such things went on in front of both SO's, in my case. This is why I mentioned underlying feelings. People can undertake seemingly innocent actions but the feelings behind them are what constitute the betrayal. Also, the OP might have different boundaries. If his boundary was no physical contact of any sort with any non-related male, then even the scenario I described, no matter how innocently appearing, would breach his boundary. This is why boundaries and their communication is so important. I'm really not that smart; I learned most of this in MC.
an hero Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 By kissing do you mean making out? If so, yes I classify that as cheating. It sounded premediated if she didn't allow you to come out with her on her birthday. What a b*tch thing to do. I don't know if you were wrong to take her back. Depends if you felt like you could forgive her and trust her again. I believe in second chances in most cases, and if it was just kissing and no sex then I think that would be easier to forgive. If it did turn out she did something behind your back a second time, even if it was just kissing again, then you made the right move by dropping her.
road Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 "last year my ex went out without me, said i wasnt allowed to go, told me the men she would be with" Obivious as the nose on Jimmy Durante's face. This girl wanted to out on a date and didn't want you around as the third wheel so she could bang her OM. "she kissed one of the guys there. told me in the morning." WW and WGF usually feel guilty the morning after and can't top themselves from confessing. However they never tell the whole truth. They will admit to only something minor that they can get you to believe. "i broke up with her." You were smart to believe your gut feelings were true. Words out GF mouth were lies. Good move. "she pledded to come back for 2 weeks. i took her." Bad move. "for like the next 8 months or so we were all good. and then she became distant again," GF was cheating again. Stop living in denial. As to what is cheating. Cheating is doing anything behind your partners back that you would not do in front of them because they would not approve. Who wants to watch the GF making out with an OM?
an hero Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 As to what is cheating. Cheating is doing anything behind your partners back that you would not do in front of them because they would not approve. So would you consider farting in your hand and smelling it as cheating?
Analyticalhope Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I have to agree with Road. In my books kissing is cheating. I suppose a kiss on the check to a friend is not, but if that was the sort of kiss she did, she wouldn't have needed to confess to you. The fact that she didn't want you there is the huge red flag in this situation. The fact that she confessed to kissing a guy implies probably that she is downplaying what actually took place. I'm not in a position to judge whether or not she was lying to you, but my gut feeling would be that she was only telling part of the story to try to ease her feelings of guilt. Your instinctive reaction to break it off with her was right. However although I don't think it was right, I can understand why you took her back. You wanted to feel happy again I guess and hoped that taking her back would be the easiest solution. But can you ever trust her? I'm sorry for the situation she has put you through but I think all of your actions were reasonable and you were not being overly possessive or controlling in wanting to be with her on her birthday. The fact that she premeditatively did not want you there means you are probably right to walk away from this unhealthy relationship.
MichiganMan222 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 That's masturbation. Letting another woman smell it is cheating.
Author McGrupp Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 why do i hate myself for something she did?
Dexter Morgan Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 she kissed one of the guys there. told me in the morning. yes....she cheated. i broke up with her. she pledded to come back for 2 weeks. i took her. big mistake for like the next 8 months or so we were all good. and then she became distant again, leading me to believe something was going on (we were kinda long distance so i couldnt see for myself and had to do this all over the phone) my insecurities got the best of me. i accused her of cheating again. this evntually led to us breaking up ( lots of arguments, me wanting to see her, etc.) so in hindsight, was i wrong to take her back? yes, absolutely i think its more the act (you cant come with me) then the actual kissing. yup, she didn't want you around because that would put a crimp in her interactions with other men. she isn't fit to be anyone's girlfriend, you are MUCH better off without her.
Lish Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 (edited) why do i hate myself for something she did? Cuz you haven't, after four months, totally accepted the fact that she was COMPLETELY in the wrong. You probably feel like you pushed her to it... you feel guilty for being so far away from her, meaning if you were closer, it may never have happened. This all has to stop. While I am certain you are by all means no saint, you didn't make her kiss another guy. She did it because she wanted to. Even if you were a bastard to her, two wrongs do NOT make a right here, or in any sitation. Therefore, if you were so bad and were driving her away, she should have had the respect for herself and been the bigger person to voice her opinion. I'm not saying you're a pig or anything, I just don't know what went on exactly. So I'm trying to advise on a few different situations. In short: this isn't your fault. You didn't force her to kiss anyone. She just did. Simple as that. The kiss that SHE had, brought forth the failure of your relationship. She betrayed your trust. You didn't feel you could trust her again (which is why you accused her of cheating), and therefore by HER breaking the trust, the relationship ended. I dunno what went on, and I'm sure you've said and done things you probably wish you hadn't, but not in this situation. Um, was that really in short? uh not really. Whatever. good luck Edited December 16, 2009 by Lish
woodsfield Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 i played "adult spin-the-bottle" with some girls i grew up with (and GF didn't know) when i was dating my future W. needless to say, she was not happy, but neither of us found it to be cheating...but your girl going out on her bday without you and tonguing some guy at the bar is disrespectful, at the very least. both above incidents can be seen as cheating in some eyes and nothing to get all worked up about in other eyes. whatever..... don't beat yourself over this...the girl seems like she is playin you, and you have every right to dump her. i think you still have feelings for her; that's why you are having difficultly with this situation. forget her, dude. she ain't worth it. she seems high maintenance, too. am i wrong?
threebyfate Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 If it's romantic or flirtatious kissing, yes, it's cheating. If it's air kisses, no, it's not cheating.
Spectre Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 IMO, it depends on the kind of kiss, the person and the circumstances. I've done it both ways, cheating and not cheating and, IMO, the difference is the feelings behind the expression. Only your ex knows for sure what those feelings were. Unless it's just a peck on the cheek, it's wrong. It doesn't matter if the chick is thinking she hates the dude when the kiss happens, still cheating. My instinct is, if it was an old friend (not ex or sexual partner) less likely to be cheating If you have a bf/gf, you have no business kissing anyone, old friend or not. Unless, as I said, it's a quick peck on the cheek. If you went out on your birthday and kissed a girl while celebrating, would you consider that you cheated on your GF? See how it works? It isn't as black and white as seen at first blush. Who is the girl? What was the mood? What was your intent? What kind of kiss was it? If it's like a peck on the cheek when you are leaving the party, or when you have just arrived and are saying hi, that's one thing. Anything else is going a bit too far.
carhill Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 So, kissing my male friends in front of their wives is out? Vice versa? Perhaps your somewhat rigid perspective will change with age and experiencing the world. I generally err on the side of decorum. Historically, it's always been the women who determine where their boundary is, regarding affection. The same with the men. Handshakes are fine with me too
Author McGrupp Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 i mean they made out. iasked her if she kissed him back, and she said yes.
Javelin Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 There's no reason to get technical, because we all know what type of kiss she initiated with the other guy. She cheated my friend.
Strych9 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 It's a deal breaker in my opinion, you were right to dump her the first time.
Author McGrupp Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 (edited) i wish i had LS at the time, and or some self respect and enough power wehn to walk away. she dumped me this time btw..basically cause i couldnt trust her, because of this. **** her. actually our breakup convo consisted of the words "you never got over me kissing that other dude" forgiving = forgetting and i never forgot. Merry Christmas Edited December 26, 2009 by McGrupp
samsungxoxo Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I think she dumped for another hidden reason. Otherwise what girl would just break up due to trust issues as a result of her kissing another dude. The way I see it is that she look for an excuse to break up with you so she can be free and do what ever she wants to with any men. Talk about class girl. You should be glad she dumped you so now you're better off without that type of girl. Now you're relax and don't have to go through the drama of dealing with trust issues.. Good luck and hope you had a wonderful time yesterday...
New_Life08 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Yes, kissing is cheating and so is inappropriate sexual talk as far as I'm concerned. It is all too easy to lead to other things and why take that chance when in a relationship? I think she doesn't know what she wants. The distancing herself is like the #1 clue that something is going down. I think you were right to dump her, taking her back was probably a mistake, but we all make mistakes. If there was nothing going on she would take the time and have enough respect and integrity to assure you she has been loyal. She wants her cake and eat it too. It is up to you to allow it or not. best of luck...
Author McGrupp Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 The way I see it is that she look for an excuse to break up with you so she can be free and do what ever she wants to with any men. Talk about class girl. You should be glad she dumped you so now you're better off without that type of girl. weird. my dad said the same thing
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