lovekillsslowly Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 A thought to ponder for all the MOW's and the OW's. Which situation do you feel is tougher? Being the OW involved with an MM who goes home to his wife and family every night and leaves you all alone to sit around, crying, missing him and wishing so bad things were different. Or being the MOW involved with a MM who goes home to his wife and family every night but yet you have to sit at home and suffer in silence because if you were to sit around and cry and be miserable your H would want to know what is wrong and there is no way you can be honest with him and tell him the truth. Both situations suck...obviously.... and I can see the good and bad in both. If you are the OW you can at least cry yourself to sleep and get all the emotions out without having to explain anything to anyone. But you are all alone. If you are the MOW you can't cry at all and you have to keep all your emotions bottled up inside of you. But you do have somebody there with you who loves you.....you're not alone. Thanks for replying!
atlnay Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 A thought to ponder for all the MOW's and the OW's. Which situation do you feel is tougher? No way to really know unless you were in both situation, a hell I wish on no one. That said, as an OW I wonder who I rather be. I mean his W has him physically, calls the shots, his heart, his child, the status, the security & benefits of a partner. Yet, I don't have the anxiety, worry & stress. I mean I do, to an extent, but he's really not MY problem. Would I rather know another woman is in the picture and act accordingly or would I rather believe he's all mine and have doubts and suspicions crop up. I really don't know. What I do know is being in this has severely warped my mindset when it comes to Rs.
Spoiled Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 A thought to ponder for all the MOW's and the OW's. Which situation do you feel is tougher? Being the OW involved with an MM who goes home to his wife and family every night and leaves you all alone to sit around, crying, missing him and wishing so bad things were different. Or being the MOW involved with a MM who goes home to his wife and family every night but yet you have to sit at home and suffer in silence because if you were to sit around and cry and be miserable your H would want to know what is wrong and there is no way you can be honest with him and tell him the truth. Both situations suck...obviously.... and I can see the good and bad in both. If you are the OW you can at least cry yourself to sleep and get all the emotions out without having to explain anything to anyone. But you are all alone. If you are the MOW you can't cry at all and you have to keep all your emotions bottled up inside of you. But you do have somebody there with you who loves you.....you're not alone. Thanks for replying! As a MOW, my xMM and I shared many similarities and were very understanding of certain dynamics of our A. We both had to work equally hard to communicate and/or see each other. Our communication was never one sided, we had to call when we were available, not just according to his schedule. We both had to end calls abruptly, call or text spouses during our time together, and deal with the fact that we were sleeping with our spouses. We both endured how it felt when the other took family vacations, celerated birthdays, and holidays. We were friends for over a decade prior to our A and knew each others' spouses. Lies portraying an "evil" spouse or a "bad" marriage never existed. I see how much my daughter adores and loves her daddy(my H) therefore can understand his comment of "I cannot imagine being away from my daughter" and believe it to be true. I fully understand how it feels to truly love someone else but have a sweet spouse and beautiful children at home. Risking the A, yet really not wanting to ruin the family unit, the years of memories. How it feels to 'ride the fence', feel guilt, and shame. What it is like when d-day occurs and you have to make a decision. Therefore I was sharing the exact experience. I do not see how a SOW or SOM would understand some of those dynamics. I do agree with the disadvantage of not having support or ability to speak with someone openly. I have always been very vocal about my emotions and this was the only time in my life in which everything was held inward. After d-day, I became depressed and still have some bouts of depression. During our NC of 4 months, it was difficult for me to deal with my emotions. To express the hurt and pain. I had to continue with my children, my M, and more while grieving. I still have bad days and there have been many days in which I hide my true feelings.
Author lovekillsslowly Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Dear Spoiled, Thank you for your insight and reply. You summed up everything that I felt and how me and my xMM acted during the 10 months that we were involved with each other. You and I have so many similarities. I was friends with my xMM for 7 years before anything happened between us. Can I ask how you made it 4 months with NC??? I can't even make it through two weeks without breaking down and calling him. I'm so disgusted with myself....disappointed in myself....I am a pathetic woman. I use to be so strong...so independant....and I still am in regards to evey other area of my life with the exception of NOT CONTACTING HIM!!! Why can't I get past this???
OWoman Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Being the OW involved with an MM who goes home to his wife and family every night and leaves you all alone to sit around, crying, missing him and wishing so bad things were different. This was never my experience as an OW. I would go home to my family every night, or go out with friends, or with the MM of my choice, leaving the other MMs to sit around, crying, missing me and wishing so bad things were different - with or without their families, IDK, I can't say I ever gave that a minute's thought. That was their problem, part of what they'd signed up for. But I do see that it can be both harder and easier for a MOW - easier in that she has the distractions of family and commitments; harder in that the A needs to be kept tightly under wraps. As a D mother, I had the benefit of the family aspect, but the advantages of the single person - being accountable only to myself, free to come and go and to call the shots as suited me. It must be terribly difficult to HAVE to keep one's R a secret - and to have to fit in with the agenda of others. I admire those who have the strength and endurance to put up with that - I know I couldn't.
heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I've been both; MOW until I left my xH, and OW since. I think it is definitely more difficult to be the OW. It is heartbreaking to suffer alone. At least when I was married, I was constantly in the company of others. I didn't have to share my children, and I didn't have to face nights and holidays alone. MM said today he wouldn't change anything, and it really hurt me. I left my xH because I thought we had a future together, and he went back to his W. Why would he change anything? He still has me on the side, and all the comforts of home...makes me so mad at myself sometimes.
Author lovekillsslowly Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 Yes I've been where you are at in regards to feeling mad at yourself. I use to be such a strong, confident, independant woman. This A turned me into a weak, needy woman that I don't even recognize. I begun NC again today after sending him one final text message. I just don't want to be the bitter xMOW who is angry and hates all men just because it didn't work out for he and I. I want him to have good memories of our times together and to not have any regrets about the A. He's told me that the only regret he has is that he feels like he really messed my life up with his indecisiveness and the back and forth roller coaster he put me on. I know that he really did care about me. I wish you the best and hope this all works out for you the way you want it too.
heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Thanks. Right now the what I want is for him to realize how great we were together and come back...not a realistic or healthy place to be. I know my MM loves me, but I don't know that he will ever leave. I'm not being fair to his wife or myself if I continue to make myself available.
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