canyonlands Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 This is the first time i've ever joined a forum before. I think that getting this off my chest and possibly recieving some advice or consolation will help me through this. I guess ill begin by stating my situation... This girl was my first love. We've known eachother for 10+ years now and we were best friends. We started dating senior year of highschool, when both of us had just turned 18. We've lived together ever since, with the exception of about 6 months. Like any young couple i suppose, we had our ups, and definately our downs. Due to immaturity (atleast i believe so), we had broken up for short periods 3 seperate times in 6 years. I felt as though this was normal, seeing how young and unexperienced we were with relationships. Anyways, about 2 months ago, she broke up with me suddenly. I had a feeling for months before this that something was off, but i continued to love her and treat her good as usual. We had just moved back home from Florida, and she told me she wasn't fully feeling optimistic about the relationship anymore. I had recently been laid off 2 times in a year, and was suffering from depression. I wasn't able to be MYSELF. Anyone whos been really depressed can identify with me here. Needless to say, my spell of depression took a toll on the relationship as well. About a week or so after she broke up with me, i visited her and opened up about my problems. I explained that i hadn't wanted to burden her with my problems and make her unhappy, and thats why i hadn't been able to put in 110% at times. She cried alot and told me she understood better now that i opened up, and offered to give us one more fighting chance. For the past month or so, we had been spending more time together actually communicating and from what i thought, rekindling the original feelings as to why we loved eachother to begin with. A week ago, i had noticed a sense of disconnection from her again. I confronted her about it, and she informed me that her feelings weren't changing and she wanted to call it quits. I was crushed. For the past week, i had moments of weakness when i called repeatedly to apologize to her and promise change. I understand that this only pushes that person farther away. Who wants to be with a weak and needy individual right? I just couldn't help myself. I love this girl with all my heart. I'd give the world to her if i could. She always said no matter what, we would work things out. Yesterday night i had called her again for closure. I had given one last chance at trying to get her back by offering to attend couples counseling together. This was an idea she had previously introduced to be a positive step to healing our relationship. When I suggested this, she explained that she was no longer in love with me and hadn't been for a couple years now. She claimed she dedicated more time to fixing our situation than she should have. She then told me she was looking forward to dating other guys. This killed me inside. I've been treating her like gold, and she's interested in other guys? ****! How can i love this girl so much that i can't function, but she's able to start giving herself to someone else? After 6 years, this girl did a 180 on me and it hurts to say this, but i hardly recognize her anymore. She was the closest person ive ever had and i really, truly thought that no matter how difficult something seems, if you have love, you can fix it. Im now questioning what i thought was true. The only option i've been left with is to cut off contact completely from her until further notice. This is the MOST PAINFUL aspect because she was my heart and soul and i can't even communicate with her to atleast make sure that she's safe. I haven't been able to eat or sleep for days now. My thoughts are consumed with memories of us...its a week before Christmas and about 3 weeks till our 24th birthdays and what would have been our 6 year anniversary. One of the hardest things is that I can't even spend any of these times with her. Im filled with anger and sadness. Im usually a very outgoing person. Life of the party. Charasmatic. now i feel dead inside. I know that sounds pathetic, but im being honest. I do however, know what i have to do in this situation. I would just appreciate some re-assurance from someone who's been in a similar situation. How do you deal with this without going insane? thanks for your time.
LovelyDaze Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Your heart is very precious. Don't let this lose your faith that you will be happy again because YOU WILL! Like you stated, you guys are young and unfortunately being young means to grow. MOST people, when they are in a relationship as a young couple, they also grow apart. It can't be helped. Obviously, everyone on the LS crew has a significant other we thought was the sun and the moon. Thing we forget is that most of us have PRIOR exes we felt this way about as well, yet we moved on to find another love that we fell just as hard for. How to deal? Just focus on the day ahead, not tomorrow, not the next anniversary or the next birthday. Just today. If you want to scream, cry, punch pillows, throw dishes....do it. Let it out and then think if this is a person you want back the way they are now or the way they WERE. Because who they were no longer exits. A special person is walking around this earth waiting for you to heal. Come on LS anytime to vent, their are great people on here that feel you pain...literally.
Author canyonlands Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Thank you for your support. I know that I'm young still. Maybe I misinterperated how I felt about her, or maybe I really did love her. All I know is that you made an excellent point.... Why would I want her back after she's developed into a person I swore she wasn't/couldn't be? It just hurts so much to know that after all these years that I thought she had the same feelings as I, she was potentially "having her cake and eating it too". I suppose I'm angry at myself for trusting her with my heart because I've only been vulnerable to her, and I feel didn't care enough to support me through these times. I'll most likely never know the real reasons this happened and what caused it. It's better for me to just accept that it can never be what it was, and move on. Easier said than done though right? Thanks again for listening.
LovelyDaze Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 You're welcome! And you're right. MOST of us never get the full 100% story on WHY they left. I don't know how my ex went from a knight in shining armor to a demon from hell! All I know...is that he did and I can't be with a person like that. EVERYONE who says they will never love again, always do. Sadly though, we do love another and have a breakup with THAT person. Reality says we may fall in and out of love several times before we find the one that stays. Each ex is a learning experience on what we really want in a relationship.
bluestraps Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I am 37 years old. My ex is 33. I was with her for 10 years. Over that time she said she loved me. I said I loved her. My situation is extremely difficult for me to deal with at times, Its been 3 months since the split.Over the 10 years I was always faithfull to her. We started off really heavy. I met her and after about a week we were basicaly boyfriend/ girlfriend. She had alot of issues, she has depression. She has been on medication since about 19 years old. At 22 and 27 we weren't exactly kids.We have been thru everything. She cheated on me with 4 men over that time. Even though she knew how serious I was about her She still did it.Its a 10 year relationship a lot happened , I cant go thru it all you would get a headache. and so would I .For two simple reasons This is why my relationship failed . I lived at home W/ parents, and was working all of the time between 1999 and 2004. And she was living with her Mom. Because of her depression she coul'dnt work........ or I guess the doctors told her she shouldnt work. This was a mistake .We were always seeing eachother but since I didnt live alone we couldnt have a more intimate relationship. Im not talking about sex . Im talking about closeness and having time just to be together. Without having to always be out in public Out with friends doing things .. whatever...Working would have given her a outlet to be normal and to have a sense of purpose. Because over the 10 years. for the most part she was always personable. She is smart and I believe she could hold a job. With her depression she would sleep all day and stay up all night..... See so much happened I cant write this and have it make senseHer and I had alot of fun.... we could have had a good marriage...thats another story !!Your depression I assume was temporary. I have also been laid off from jobs. You and the girl were 14 when you met. Thats still young. You started dating at 18 . Did the feelings start when you guys were 14 ?You both have changed over that time ,you both became more mature. I cant speak to all the psychological changes that happen in Adolescence But your reationship has changed for the worse. And maybe she is more ready to move on and not be exclusive to you. Age isnt always bad. Just because youre young doesnt mean it cant work.Basicaly its time to leave her. You are still young. Im assuming at 24 you either have a job or a career . You can meet other more .. mature and ready women. Dont waste the next 6 or whatever many years going thru the same thing with this girl. She talks about other guys. Sounds familiar to me ... hmmm.... ect.... Man I have a mess in my relationship.You sound like you have a little mess. Just let her go. take it from me .WE dont know you, What are you not telling us ? What else is happening on her side ? Stuff you may not know Think.. were you romantic with this girl. Did you always buy her presents for christmass, birthdays. Did you go places and do things . Did you spend alot of time with her . Did you spend time with friends. Did you neglect your relationship with her ? Did you call her by pet names ? Ask your self a few things DO you want to get married.? Are you ready for one woman?. . DO you have a good career / or job.? DO you live by and support yourself ?If you do you're ready for a serious relationship. Find another woman who is too.
bluestraps Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 This probably is your first loving relationship. Thats important, you havent had your heart broken before. This sound like the first relationship I was in . At 24 you are still in a good place. Id hate to see you do this for 2 or 3 more years. Maybe if you are serious about her, you can get her back.Have you done romantic things with her . Maybe this is why she isnt in love with you. My girl said I wasnt romantic with her. I believe I was , but what do I know !!Here's what you do . Wait two weeks. dont call her or anything. Dont let her know youre upset Sound like you dont care. Then call her after christmass but before new years. Talk to her then maybe you need to give her some time to be alone. Its like playing games. . I hate that ...
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