She isn't putting any effort into relationship

[NOM]

Hello.

 

Sorry for the long post, but something has been bothering about how my girlfriend has been lately. I'm looking for feedback and any advice you can offer. I know some people reading this might not take this seriously as we're both young, but please, try to take this seriously, as any other relationship, and I don't mean that in any disrispectful way.

 

I don't know where to start, so I'll just give some basic info first. I have been in an LDR with a girl for about 6 months now. I'm 17, she's 16.

 

We talk pretty much every day, through instant messaging, though lately it's not as much we, but just me talking.

 

We saw each other at the end of last month, and I'll be going to see her again in January.

 

For the past week and a half or so, she hasn't been the same. She no longer starts conversations with me, write, or even reply to my texts. I feel like she's ignoring me quite a bit, as she simply doesn't talk back to me, or does every 5-10 minutes with abrupt sentences, when instant messaging.

 

This isn't the only reason I feel like she isn't putting in any effort. I send her a ''good morning text'' pretty much every day, and she never texts back, even when I ask her to write back to tell me how she is. I just feel like I'm doing everything. I text her every day, I sent her a letter, trying to be romantic, and whatnot (even if it's a tad cheesy ), and I make all the plans to come see her, which can go as far as me looking up her holiday times on her school's website, because she keeps on forgetting. I feel more than a little unappreciated, as she never reacts to anything I do anymore. I feel like I have to learn to backflip while unicycling with a monkey on my face, just to grab her attention. For the past week and a half, I've been asking her if she wanted to have a phonecall as we mostly talk through text, and she keeps putting it off, even when I offer to call her when she has nothing to do.

 

I think I should add, that she has a new friend. As silly as it may seem that I find it discomforting that she keeps on putting posts about what a great time she has talking to him, inside jokes and all, and pictures of how funny he is on webcam (yes, I sound jealous, but that's because I am).

 

She never tells me anything if something is wrong, and when I ask her she usually says ''it's nothing''. We used to have late night conversations when she'd mostly end up falling asleep, but now, she just ends up logging off without even saying bye most times. She also told me that she had doubts about our relationship because of the distance (conveniently enough when she became such good friends with this guy). I've asked her about this guy, who lives 6 hours away from her, by the way, and whether she is losing interest in me or not. She told me that I'm basically being silly thinking that, because she loves and wants to be with me. Every time I bring the fact that she doesn't reply to my texts up (or something along those lines) she just says sorry, but never does anything about it, like actually text me.

 

This last week has been stressful for her with family and friend problems, and she keeps using that as an excuse, so I guess I can understand where some of her quietness is coming from. On the contrary, I still think that how she ignores me can be justified by this. I know I sound really accusatory, but I feel that our relationship is under threat due to the amount of time she allocates to talking to that friend of hers, and because she takes me for granted, I guess.

 

I don't know whether I should confront her about this, as I've been nagging on about stuff (which she does nothing about) for the last few days, and without me, they've been stressful enough for her. To sum it up, it's as if she doesn't care anymore, and I feel like I do all the work. I don't know whether this makes me sound needy or not, but it's nice to get at least a little attention sometimes.

 

I'm asking for feedback on this situation, as I'm not really sure what to do. Thank you for reading this, if you got this far or not.

[Rollercoasterr]

Sorry sweetie, but it sounds like the new friend might be more than just a friend.

 

I'll reply more to it later when I get my thoughts sorted.

[NOM]

Reading that felt like reading a rejection letter from a college.

 

I was just talking to her on MSN, and she pretty much snapped at me and logged off. I texted her saying that I feel like she doesn't care anymore, and after 2 more texts she replied saying that she's going to bed and she'll talk to me tomorrow. I don't know what to do.

 

Any more feedback would be nice, guys. Thanks.

[NOM]

I was just wondering if anyone else could offer some sort of opinion on this. It would be much appreciated.

[NoneoftheAbove]

Im sorry you are going through this I've been in your shoes before. Silent treatment is the worst thing you can get from the person you love. You said you texted her and try to talk to her, and she said im going to bed. I used to get this all the time, in my case she wasn't interested in talking so she threw excuses and ran away for example, im going to bed. This sounds so much like my story, in my opinion it means she is not interested instead off talking to you and breaking it off she is doing it in a way which cowards would do "ignore" i can see that you are very hurt by her reactions and that you are not happy, my suggestion to you my friend RUN leave her behind. There is girls out there who would love you just as much as you love them back, don't give your precious love to a person who doesn't deserve it.

[carvidep]

This situation is no fun. I went through this with my ex. I was with him for 1.5 years, and the last 6 months he started to go quiet and dull on me. I couldn't do anything to impress him, as hard as I tried. We were 4 hours apart, used AIM, he wouldn't webcam or talk on the phone, but we visited each other maybe once a month. He lost interest and didn't tell me that until I broke up with him. He FINALLY admitted to me that he saw me as a really good friend and nothing more, after a year and a half of calling me his girlfriend.

 

This sounds a lot like what's going on with your gf, and her guy friend might have something more to do with it, too. I agree, let her go. You need to invest your energy in making yourself happy, not her.

[NOM]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

So, I texted her yesterday, and she actually replied. When we were IMing, it seemed like she took some of the stuff I said on board. I asked her how she felt about what I'd said, and whether she's mad or upset or anything, and she said ''I'm over it.''...whatever that means, considering I'm the one that should be annoyed and upset.

 

Anyhow, she seemed more talkative, and when I asked her why she's been like this lately, she said that some things have been going on in her life. She never really shares her problems with me, as she thinks they're not important enough (even though this one seems to be influencing our relationship), and this case was no exception, so I'm not sure what's going on. I also found out that the guy friend of hers has a girlfriend, so I don't know if I should find that comforting or something. She's been a little weird with me, for example when I compliment her saying she's beautiful, she'd say something like ''I know''. It isn't at all like her to be cocky.

 

I asked her if she wanted to have a phone conversation, just to hear each other's voices, and we scheduled it for Sunday. If she'll go through with it or not is another story.

 

Anyways, I don't know if her being more talkative is good or not, and whether or not I should go ahead with my planned visit in Jnauary, to see what she's like in person with me, at least.

 

Any more opinions would be nice. You've been really helpful, guys and gals.

[billy356]

NOM you arent going to like my advice and I am almost certain you wont take it but here it is....WALK AWAY

 

To explain further...you are putting in all the effort and probably too much effort to boot. No doubt there was something going on with the other guy and that might be over now which is why she would be more talkative but still... At the very least she sounded attracted to him and was considering him over you. That alone is good reason to walk.

 

Another good reason to walk is that you are not getting what you want from her. It is that simple. So you walk away. No Contact for at least a week. If she truly is in to you this will drive her nuts and will make her realize what shes stands to lose. At this point you come off (from your posts) as the guy who will never leave so why put effort into you. She has to feel like she could lose you and then what she does with that feeling will tell you everything.

 

Now that would be hard for me to do and I am 34 and been down this path so many times i could do it blindfolded....so whether or not you are able to man up and do this is completely up to you. But it is what must be done in order to save this relationship, if it can be saved.

 

Best of luck buddy, i will be pulling for ya!

[NOM]

Thanks billy356.

 

I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I've had enough really. If she wants to talk to me, she can be the one to call me. I have better things to do than wait for her to make up her mind.

[NOM]

Hey guys and gals.

 

Things didn't go according to plan, and I ended up once again seeking attention from her.

 

I'm tired of how she treats me, really. Today, when she talked to me, it was nothing but rudeness, from her side.

 

Thing is. Even though this is happening, I am still afraid to lose her. This is my first serious relationship, as such, and I'm not really sure what to do. I've never been good with girls, and the fact that I have, or had something with her makes it all the more difficult to let go.

 

Can anyone offer me any advice on this please? Thanks in advance.

[Boundary Problem]

There are so many people who are able to have a first class relationship without rudeness. You don't need to put up with this.

 

 

Don't be afraid to lose her. Be more afraid of losing yourself.

 

 

It is OK to say 'hi' once in a while. If you are an empathetic person, you don't need to ignore her for the rest of your life.

 

 

But just start dating other people until she learns the valuable lesson of how to treat people who are important to her.

 

Walk away from the relationship, is my advice. If you put up with crap, it will only get worse.

 

And by the way - she knows exactly what she is doing. Therefore, you must assume she is doing it deliberately if you have communicated already the specific things that are hurting your feelings.

[hoping2heal]

Hello.

 

Sorry for the long post, but something has been bothering about how my girlfriend has been lately. I'm looking for feedback and any advice you can offer. I know some people reading this might not take this seriously as we're both young, but please, try to take this seriously, as any other relationship, and I don't mean that in any disrispectful way.

 

I don't know where to start, so I'll just give some basic info first. I have been in an LDR with a girl for about 6 months now. I'm 17, she's 16.

 

We talk pretty much every day, through instant messaging, though lately it's not as much we, but just me talking.

 

We saw each other at the end of last month, and I'll be going to see her again in January.

 

For the past week and a half or so, she hasn't been the same. She no longer starts conversations with me, write, or even reply to my texts. I feel like she's ignoring me quite a bit, as she simply doesn't talk back to me, or does every 5-10 minutes with abrupt sentences, when instant messaging.

 

This isn't the only reason I feel like she isn't putting in any effort. I send her a ''good morning text'' pretty much every day, and she never texts back, even when I ask her to write back to tell me how she is. I just feel like I'm doing everything. I text her every day, I sent her a letter, trying to be romantic, and whatnot (even if it's a tad cheesy ), and I make all the plans to come see her, which can go as far as me looking up her holiday times on her school's website, because she keeps on forgetting. I feel more than a little unappreciated, as she never reacts to anything I do anymore. I feel like I have to learn to backflip while unicycling with a monkey on my face, just to grab her attention. For the past week and a half, I've been asking her if she wanted to have a phonecall as we mostly talk through text, and she keeps putting it off, even when I offer to call her when she has nothing to do.

 

I think I should add, that she has a new friend. As silly as it may seem that I find it discomforting that she keeps on putting posts about what a great time she has talking to him, inside jokes and all, and pictures of how funny he is on webcam (yes, I sound jealous, but that's because I am).

 

She never tells me anything if something is wrong, and when I ask her she usually says ''it's nothing''. We used to have late night conversations when she'd mostly end up falling asleep, but now, she just ends up logging off without even saying bye most times. She also told me that she had doubts about our relationship because of the distance (conveniently enough when she became such good friends with this guy). I've asked her about this guy, who lives 6 hours away from her, by the way, and whether she is losing interest in me or not. She told me that I'm basically being silly thinking that, because she loves and wants to be with me. Every time I bring the fact that she doesn't reply to my texts up (or something along those lines) she just says sorry, but never does anything about it, like actually text me.

 

This last week has been stressful for her with family and friend problems, and she keeps using that as an excuse, so I guess I can understand where some of her quietness is coming from. On the contrary, I still think that how she ignores me can be justified by this. I know I sound really accusatory, but I feel that our relationship is under threat due to the amount of time she allocates to talking to that friend of hers, and because she takes me for granted, I guess.

 

I don't know whether I should confront her about this, as I've been nagging on about stuff (which she does nothing about) for the last few days, and without me, they've been stressful enough for her. To sum it up, it's as if she doesn't care anymore, and I feel like I do all the work. I don't know whether this makes me sound needy or not, but it's nice to get at least a little attention sometimes.

 

I'm asking for feedback on this situation, as I'm not really sure what to do. Thank you for reading this, if you got this far or not.

 

There's another man in her life, and he has replaced you. That doesn't mean he's better than you - it just means you don't do it for her anymore, but he does. This is very commonplace at you two's age. Please don't let this make you think "I'm not good enough, I didn't do enough." At this age, you start evolving and changing your tastes as well as are just testing waters and trying to figure out what you like. A lot of relationships don't make the distance for that reason; because one or both people outgrow eachother and the relationship.

 

I think it's unfortunate she hasn't bothered to just fess up and end the relationship, however she is young too and probably feels bad. It seems like she's blowing you up and waving this guy in your face hoping you will just leave HER.

 

You can continue persuing her and trying to be romantic for her, but it will most likely be futile and just push her farther away from you- she wants someone else now. I would talk to her about this and see what she has to say.

[LucreziaBorgia]

when she became such good friends with this guy

 

I'm sorry, but your relationship as you knew it effectively ended when this started.

 

There is only one thing, and one thing only to do when this happens: you walk away, and you don't look back.

[Soul Bear]

I have to agree with the majority here.

Just walk away. Does she know exactly what you are feeling?

Show her you are worth better than that kind of treatment. The next one is always better anyways ...

We all deserve the best when it comes to love bro, and heartache is heartache no matter what age you are But what comes with age, is more opportunities....Because if you have the ability to love, then you will find love again.

She is making you an option and you are making her a priority...it does not sound like a very healthy balanced relationship. I think you know the RIGHT thing to do, but that said, it's not always the easiest.

Strive to grow and learn and become an even stronger person. Know your worth.

Edited December 20, 2009 by Soul Bear

[NOM]

Okay, I thought I'd do an update.

 

To cut a long story short, we had a couple of chats and arguments about why things have been so difficult....according to her, because of the distance.

 

Yesterday, she told me that she, in fact loves this guy, and he loves her. I told her to make a choice, and she chose him over me. Saying more crap about the distance. I just happen to know that he lives 6 hours away from her....in my case it's only 3. So, not much sense in that excuse.

 

To add to it all, she's known this guy for 3 months now, through yet she's never met him. I find it hard to comprehend the fact that she left me for a bunch of letters on her screen.

 

This only happened today, so I don't expect to get over it that quick. This was my first serious relationship, as such, and to be honest I don't know how to deal with this.

 

When she told me she was emotionally cheating on me with him (as I saw it), I tried to keep cool and level headed, which I did. I just asked how long this has been going on, etc. When I asked her permission to talk to him, she said no, even though I could've contacted him anyways. I respected her wishes and left it at that.

She kept on going on about stuff, saying "When you asked me if I liked him 2 weeks ago, I didn't, but now it's different.", and how she feels so bad for doing this to me and that she hates herself for it and won't be able to sleep, and so on (almost as if she was trying to get pitty out of me). Senseless stuff like that.

 

Anyways, not much point in me rambling on, but I just want tips on how to deal with something like this. I've deleted all photos of us together, etc. I want to forget about her. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or what. to be honest, I didn't think I'd be this calm about it, but I don't know whether I really am calm or if I'm suppressing my feelings. I know I loved her.....and I still do. I'm just annoyed at myself for trusting her.

[hoping2heal]

Okay, I thought I'd do an update.

 

To cut a long story short, we had a couple of chats and arguments about why things have been so difficult....according to her, because of the distance.

 

Yesterday, she told me that she, in fact loves this guy, and he loves her. I told her to make a choice, and she chose him over me. Saying more crap about the distance. I just happen to know that he lives 6 hours away from her....in my case it's only 3. So, not much sense in that excuse.

 

To add to it all, she's known this guy for 3 months now, through yet she's never met him. I find it hard to comprehend the fact that she left me for a bunch of letters on her screen.

 

This only happened today, so I don't expect to get over it that quick. This was my first serious relationship, as such, and to be honest I don't know how to deal with this.

 

When she told me she was emotionally cheating on me with him (as I saw it), I tried to keep cool and level headed, which I did. I just asked how long this has been going on, etc. When I asked her permission to talk to him, she said no, even though I could've contacted him anyways. I respected her wishes and left it at that.

She kept on going on about stuff, saying "When you asked me if I liked him 2 weeks ago, I didn't, but now it's different.", and how she feels so bad for doing this to me and that she hates herself for it and won't be able to sleep, and so on (almost as if she was trying to get pitty out of me). Senseless stuff like that.

 

Anyways, not much point in me rambling on, but I just want tips on how to deal with something like this. I've deleted all photos of us together, etc. I want to forget about her. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or what. to be honest, I didn't think I'd be this calm about it, but I don't know whether I really am calm or if I'm suppressing my feelings. I know I loved her.....and I still do. I'm just annoyed at myself for trusting her.

 

Something was missing from your relationship together. Something large. That doesn't mean you are to blame, it doesn't mean you are inferior in any way. You two are young and at that age where you are growing and so are your tastes and atitudes. It could of been as simple as the two of them relate to eachother in a way the two of you simply cannot because of who you are. I think she's lying to either make herself look or feel better about what went on with this guy; obviously she didn't simply fall in love with him in 2 weeks time and leave you. However, it's obvious she was lying what can you do? It's just over between you two and you will grieve and feel bad; but she just wasn't right for you.

[sagetalk]

I feel your pain bro. Something similar to this happened to me. I was trying a LDR with a girl and after about 3 or 4 months she went from being happy, excited, playful, to dull and weird. I had no idea what was going on (I was clueless). She finally admitted that she had met another guy and had been spending everyday with him. It hit me like a truck. I didn't hate her for it. I never said anything mean to her. There is no point to having hate or bitterness in your heart. Let it go, forgive her, and move on. Delete the photos and emails. Find a girl that is excited to see you and loves talking to you.

 

I hope that you find an awesome girl to help you get over her .