Gabriele Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 as a bs, how do you watch TV, movies anymore...... everything has infidelity in it, and I know I get just sick to my stomach. Does that go away? probably not. I used to feel like I had a love that was so special, like fairytale love, the love that makes you cry in a movie. I had a husband that loved me so much.....he would never hurt me, I never questioned that. I had the perfect man (other than he leaves his socks laying around!), the perfect love. It hurts to realize that I was so blind, that I was so naive. My fairly tale has been broken.......does that really exist for anyone, I have never felt jealous of anyone else's relationship before now. I am not sure if I feel jealous or pity for those young couples in love that are just starting out.....just wait, you will be hurt. I hate that I am so jaded. All I want is for this ich to go away.....I want MY life back, I want ME back, I liked my fairytale!
Spark1111 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 as a bs, how do you watch TV, movies anymore...... everything has infidelity in it, and I know I get just sick to my stomach. Does that go away? probably not. I used to feel like I had a love that was so special, like fairytale love, the love that makes you cry in a movie. I had a husband that loved me so much.....he would never hurt me, I never questioned that. I had the perfect man (other than he leaves his socks laying around!), the perfect love. It hurts to realize that I was so blind, that I was so naive. My fairly tale has been broken.......does that really exist for anyone, I have never felt jealous of anyone else's relationship before now. I am not sure if I feel jealous or pity for those young couples in love that are just starting out.....just wait, you will be hurt. I hate that I am so jaded. All I want is for this ich to go away.....I want MY life back, I want ME back, I liked my fairytale! Me too! I will never love or trust so blindly again. I will only trust myself and my intuition in the future. Until this happened to ME, I never saw or suspected it anywhere else; not my family, the neighborhood, among friends, no where! I thought Hollywood was simply Hollywood and I almost pitied all those EMR's, saw it as a sign of an instable lifestyle between narcissists. Two years past DDAY, I think it bothers him MORE than me. Especially discussing the recent Tiger Woods drama with my grown daughters and we all decide he is deeply flawed psychologically and YUCK! We all want to shower with bleach!
allhopelost Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 as a bs, how do you watch TV, movies anymore...... everything has infidelity in it, and I know I get just sick to my stomach. Does that go away? probably not. I used to feel like I had a love that was so special, like fairytale love, the love that makes you cry in a movie. I had a husband that loved me so much.....he would never hurt me, I never questioned that. I had the perfect man (other than he leaves his socks laying around!), the perfect love. It hurts to realize that I was so blind, that I was so naive. My fairly tale has been broken.......does that really exist for anyone, I have never felt jealous of anyone else's relationship before now. I am not sure if I feel jealous or pity for those young couples in love that are just starting out.....just wait, you will be hurt. I hate that I am so jaded. All I want is for this ich to go away.....I want MY life back, I want ME back, I liked my fairytale! I feel your pain and sorrow as well. I cannot watch anything on television other than Hockey. Just seeing two happy people that are in love makes me sad/envious/angry. Ours was a marriage like you believed yours was. Everything is so different now post-A. There is little joy in any activities, I cannot watch anything or be around anyone that bares ANY resemblance to my wifes AP. My children, who know nothing of their mothers affair or her AP now think I am a racist and hate me for it because of the anxiety and panic attacks I develop when thrust into those situations. It is so hard to take the brunt of my own children's disrespect for me and my feelings, knowing it would literally shatter their world if they were to find out the truth about why I feel this way. I also want my life back, my marriage back, to feel happy again without worrying what is going to go wrong yet again. Part of me believes that after an affair, a part of you dies. The part of you that BELIEVED in others, that felt COMFORTABLE with your own body, the part of you that TRUSTED people, and the part of you that ENJOYED being in love is murdered when your SO decides you no longer deserve exclusivity. As much as we try to revive that which was taken from us, through MC, IC, LS advice, etc., the truth of the matter is there is no Lazarus effect, no rebirth of that which is gone. Our only hope is to cope. Look at it this way; You lose your leg in a car accident. Drunk Driver. Not your fault, not fair, you didn't deserve this horrible thing that has happened to you. Does that mean that you never walk again? No. But what it does mean is that you are forever changed, incomplete, a fragment of what was once whole. Is it the end of the world? Not usually, but the ghost pains will hurt you for years as you hobble through the rest of your life hoping your one remaining leg, your last leg, is strong enough to support you and that you NEVER are unfortunate enough to get involved in another accident.
Trimmer Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 ...what it does mean is that you are forever changed, incomplete, a fragment of what was once whole. Is it the end of the world? Not usually, but the ghost pains will hurt you for years as you hobble through the rest of your life hoping your one remaining leg, your last leg, is strong enough to support you and that you NEVER are unfortunate enough to get involved in another accident. Yes, you will be forever changed, but that does not mean that you will spend the rest of your life as a fragmented cripple, haunted, never again to be whole. And yes, I felt this way once, too, as I lost (or had ripped from me...) my innocent view of life and love as fairy tales, but frankly now, even without the woman who I assumed would be the love of my life until I died, I feel more whole than I realize I was "back then." As a part of my healing, I decided it was time to become whole as an individual, and I see this imperfect world more clearly than when I believed in the fairy tale view of things. I suppose for some people, giving up that innocent view is distressing, but over time, for me, it has actually been calming. Yes, there are a lot more damaged people walking around than I had thought, but that makes everybody around me, and the world we live in, seem much more real to me. So I absolutely empathize with your pain, and understand what you are saying about feeling like you will always be a fragment and un-whole. I remember being in that place myself, in circumstances quite like those that you guys are describing in this thread. But it doesn't have to be that way forever - this does not have to be the dominant thing defining, guiding, structuring, or constraining the rest of your life. You may not feel this way - yet - but one of the powerful gifts that this delivers into your hands is that now you get to create, define, and build the rest of your life yourself. See that as the gift - the opportunity - that it is, and do something with it!
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Yes, you will be forever changed, but that does not mean that you will spend the rest of your life as a fragmented cripple, haunted, never again to be whole. And yes, I felt this way once, too, as I lost (or had ripped from me...) my innocent view of life and love as fairy tales, but frankly now, even without the woman who I assumed would be the love of my life until I died, I feel more whole than I realize I was "back then." As a part of my healing, I decided it was time to become whole as an individual, and I see this imperfect world more clearly than when I believed in the fairy tale view of things. I suppose for some people, giving up that innocent view is distressing, but over time, for me, it has actually been calming. Yes, there are a lot more damaged people walking around than I had thought, but that makes everybody around me, and the world we live in, seem much more real to me. So I absolutely empathize with your pain, and understand what you are saying about feeling like you will always be a fragment and un-whole. I remember being in that place myself, in circumstances quite like those that you guys are describing in this thread. But it doesn't have to be that way forever - this does not have to be the dominant thing defining, guiding, structuring, or constraining the rest of your life. You may not feel this way - yet - but one of the powerful gifts that this delivers into your hands is that now you get to create, define, and build the rest of your life yourself. See that as the gift - the opportunity - that it is, and do something with it! I agree. I felt the same way for some time after d-day and initiating recovery. The thing is, even the WS feels it. They, too, can't watch infidelity on TV without being affected. Everyone is jaded after an affair is discovered in their midst. But I decided to make myself whole. I have/had so many issues to work on personally, that I decided to focus on me in the wake of his EA. And I am glad that I did. I am much stronger than I was because I confronted most of my fears and came out better than I went in.
anne1707 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 The thing is, even the WS feels it. They, too, can't watch infidelity on TV without being affected. Everyone is jaded after an affair is discovered in their midst. As a former WS, I can totally agree with this. I will always regret more than anything the pain I caused my H. It shames me. But that is no price compared to what I did to him. We are almost 18 months after D-day and whilst things are good for us (occasional setbacks as to be expected), I feel desperately uncomfortable if something crops up on TV etc re affairs. It feels like it is another twist of the knife in the back. I really don't know whether I will ever stop feeling like this (or even whether I should). But one thing I do know. I never ever want us to go through all this again.
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 As a former WS, I can totally agree with this. I will always regret more than anything the pain I caused my H. It shames me. But that is no price compared to what I did to him. We are almost 18 months after D-day and whilst things are good for us (occasional setbacks as to be expected), I feel desperately uncomfortable if something crops up on TV etc re affairs. It feels like it is another twist of the knife in the back. I really don't know whether I will ever stop feeling like this (or even whether I should). But one thing I do know. I never ever want us to go through all this again. Anne My H would agree with every word you have said. He often cringes or asks if I am willing to change the channel. He feels like you, that he will likely never not feel this way. I can't say for certain whether he will or won't do it again, but I would be surprised if he did given how profoundly the whole experience affected our family (our marriage, our kids, our parents - especially his since they have since passed away).
scatterd Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I understand how you are feeling but how do you go back?He cut off his nose to spite his own face and does not know it.having respect from someone is an honor and once its gone its hard to earn back.Love yourself for who you are and remember what you are worth.Move forward and be happy.
Island Girl Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I suppose for some people, giving up that innocent view is distressing, but over time, for me, it has actually been calming. Yes, there are a lot more damaged people walking around than I had thought, but that makes everybody around me, and the world we live in, seem much more real to me. Absolutely true and brilliantly illustrated.
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