The heart of my issue - looking for your 2 cents

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

I didn't want to come out and say it right away but I've posted a few things and read many others and like the advice and support that people tend to give on here.

 

I am an "ass man". Some guys like boobs, some like legs but I like asses and I love anal sex...I have always been interested from the very beginning of my sex life when I was 19. I don't know where the appeal came from or why it is...but that's just the way it has always been for me.

 

When I first started dating my ex at 19 we were both virgins. Anal sex had come up but it took a year together before she was willing to try it. It turned out that she liked it and for the next 6 years we were together we ended up having anal most of the time ( at her request if you can believe it )

 

When she cheated on me and left I knew I would never be able to replace the sex I had with her. She was the only woman I had been with but I was quite well aware of how few woman enjoy ( let alone ask constantly ) for anal sex.

 

I met my W two months later. She was everything my ex wasn't ( stable and self sufficient ). I saw her as someone that I could have a family with and not have to worry about taking care of her like a child most of the time. There was no "wow" factor and it wasn't her physical appearance that drew me to her. She was up for any activity, upbeat and fun to be around. She was less self conscious than my ex and even let me take "private photos" of her and stuff like that. She was not into anal though and although she may have been willing to try more stuff than my ex ( like the pictures ) the sex itself was not as enjoyable. My ex was extremely clean about herself...pretty much obsessive about it....which worked out well for a guy who liked anal. My W didn't seem near as concerned with the cleanliness but was much more spontanious as a result.

 

I had hoped that over time my W might take a liking to anal but it never happened. I thought she was a perfect like partner in every other way though so we got married after 4 years of dating. Breaking up with someone over sex just didn't seem right to me ...especially when they were perfect in every other way.

 

I know that you shouldn't force someone into something they don't enjoy and I certainly don't feel I pressured her to much. I brought it up on occasion but she settled into letting me have anal once a year on my birthday ( so it's been about 5 times in the past 4 years for me ). I can't deny that it has been frustrating as it is my biggest turn on. I haven't wanted to pressure her but can't deny that disappointment and resentment was building up. As a side note...I have done all the stuff that she likes. I have also told her that if I don't do something she likes then just ask me and I will.

 

The year after our first child was born we had sex about an average of 1.5 times a months ( that includes any BJ or any sort of release she offered ). Naturally sex was difficult after the baby and wasn't really enjoyable to either one of us. I also found her lack of cleanliness much more bothersone over the years. Where performing oral used to be something I enjoyed it had gotten to not only not being a turn on...but actually being a turn off. In the beginning as least it was off-set by spontanity but after the baby there was no spontanaity. I knew that if we were going to have sex that week then it was going to happen on Saturday afternoon while the baby was napping. If I knew in advance we were going to have sex then I would try to shave and clean up a bit before hand...where as she was more like "OK, the baby is down. I'm going to poop then let's have sex". That did nothing to turn me on. I have always felt like she is a very unsexual person....she almost has to be led by the hand.

 

I talked to her about many of my issues ( I didn't mention the cleanliness one because I didn't want to hurt her feelings ).

 

Though in no way justified, I ended up having an affair with a friend from work. I ended up having anal with her more often in our 8 month affairs than I had with my wife in 8 years. People tried to tell me the sex was so much better with her because it was just new but they didn't know all the details. Sex with my wife had never been that good and I thoroughly enjoyed sex again for the first time in 8 years.

 

When the affair was exposed I chose to stay with my wife. I never wanted to leave her, and although I fell in love with my affair partner...there were some serious issues there. I had a son and a family now and if I chose to look past the sex just to marry her then naturally I should look past the sex to keep my family together.

 

My wife knows that anal was the main reason behind the affair which has now made it emotionally difficult for her on top of physically. I also found out after the affair that she doesn't just think it is uncomfortable she thinks it is disgusting and degrading.

 

Both of my IC have said to leave the marriage because I will never be happy but I am trying to fight against that opinion. I have been 5 months of NC with my affair partner ( it's been difficult though ) and feel as though things are getting worse rather than better.

 

Last night my wife had a rough day at work so she had a glass of wine and I led her to the bedroom after our son went to bed. I did all of the usual foreplay things I do for her ( she did nothing for me which is most often the case ) and then we had sex. She had a few orgasims and then when she didn't have anything left I finished. That's all sex is ( and really has been for a long time ) for me. I do what I can to excite her in foreplay, let her have her orgaisms and then finish when she has had enough....it seems more like work than anything else. I didn't even have any interest in having sex, I just do it so that she won't feel unwanted or unattractive or anything like that. I want to try to make her happy even if I am not. Sex with my affair partner was even better than it had been with my ex, she was extremely clean and she genuinely seemed to care about my sexual satisfaction instead of just her own.

 

Is there really any way to fix this? Or am I doomed to just pretending I am happy and living a life of sexual dissatisfaction ( I'm just in my early 30's ). My IC said my wife would have been a good choice for me in my sixties but there is just no sexual chemistry for us for me to have married her in my 20's.

 

Anyone out there having sexual issues with their partner that they were somehow able to over come? Please help

Edited December 15, 2009 by DestroyerOfWorlds

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

The way I see it...if your spouse likes rap and you like country...you can take a friend to concert with you.

 

If you like hiking but your wife likes watching TV, you can also find a friend to go with you.

 

But sex...it's the one issue where you can't morally go outside of your marriage to do with someone else in order to make you happy. Unfortunately I did do that...and DO NOT reccomend it.

 

I read a book that says it doesn't matter how much you love each other or how much you want to be together...if one loves living in the city and one loves living in the country....eventually one is going to become unhappy.

[tnhusband]

Sounds to me you need to forget about your fetish for now - concentrate on working on you in order to increase her overall libido. If she's not into sex then I'm sure anal and any other adventurous sex play is the last thing she wants to deal with.

 

I suggest you read the Sex Starved Marriage - it suggests that you focus on you and not your spouse. I can honestly say it worked for me.

 

If you can get to the point where her libido increases then fetishes and kinkiness can be bought up a whole lot more openly.

 

Of course anal is one of those things where if she does not enjoy it there will not be much you can do about changing that.

 

Good luck.

[Samantha0905]

The cleanliness thing would be a problem for me. I don't really understand it. I'm not a prude, but I think being clean and smelling nicely for sex is a good thing. If there's any sweatiness or uncleanliness going on, I'd rather it happen during the sex.

 

Why don't you suggest the two of you take a shower together as foreplay?

 

As for the anal, I don't have a problem with it but wouldn't expect someone to expect me to have it if I didn't enjoy it. I see how this could be a problem, however. It would certainly not be pleasurable to be with someone who did not enjoy oral sex -- both giving and receiving.

 

When I was having a physical extra-marital affair, we discussed anal sex but frankly -- he was rather big -- and I was a tad worried. I feel different people have different pleasure zones and pain tolerances. Perhaps it just isn't pleasurable for her and somewhat painful? I don't think you can do anything about that.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

The cleanliness thing would be a problem for me. I don't really understand it. I'm not a prude, but I think being clean and smelling nicely for sex is a good thing. If there's any sweatiness or uncleanliness going on, I'd rather it happen during the sex.

 

Why don't you suggest the two of you take a shower together as foreplay?

 

QUOTE]

 

The cleanliness issue has been resolved for the most part since I finally brought it up during MC. She makes more of an effort to keep herself clean these days.

[theycallmeprincess]

You can't re-create something that was never there to begin with. From where I stand you have two choices:

 

1. Suck it up, and come to terms with the fact that you and your wife are not sexually compatiable, and learn to embrace and rejoice in the positive things of your relationship

 

or

 

2. Put an end to your marriage, search for what you think will really make you happy (a woman who enjoys anal, apparently) and try to be the best co-parent you can be for your son, you and his mother.

[TinyLee222]

>>When I first started dating my ex at 19 we were both virgins. Anal sex had come up but it took a year together before she was willing to try it. It turned out that she liked it and for the next 6 years we were together we ended up having anal most of the time ( at her request if you can believe it )

 

 

Ok, as you know you aren't going to find too many women who would rather perform

anal than straight sex ALL the time. Sure it's good to mix it up a bit but you said, " for the next 6 years together we ended up having anal most of the time"(at her request). Do you enjoy regular sex or given the choice always choose anal? If it's a deal breaker and you aren't compatable sexually then put an end to the marriage. I just dont think it's going to change given your wifes disgust with it. Just be sure that in your next relationship you be upfront with what you are looking for. BTW, have you ever been with a man? Is that an option? I wish you good luck.

 

Lee

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

>>When I first started dating my ex at 19 we were both virgins. Anal sex had come up but it took a year together before she was willing to try it. It turned out that she liked it and for the next 6 years we were together we ended up having anal most of the time ( at her request if you can believe it )

 

 

Ok, as you know you aren't going to find too many women who would rather perform

anal than straight sex ALL the time. Sure it's good to mix it up a bit but you said, " for the next 6 years together we ended up having anal most of the time"(at her request). Do you enjoy regular sex or given the choice always choose anal? If it's a deal breaker and you aren't compatable sexually then put an end to the marriage. I just dont think it's going to change given your wifes disgust with it. Just be sure that in your next relationship you be upfront with what you are looking for. BTW, have you ever been with a man? Is that an option? I wish you good luck.

 

Lee

 

I prefer anal over vaginal but it's not like I don't like vaginal sex. With my ex and my affair partner...if we had vaginal intercourse and they got a few orgaisms then they didn't mind ( and actually enjoyed ) letting me finish with anal. I liked the fact that going into sex with them I always had 3 options as to how it might end...where as with my wife I know that 99.9% of the time it will be vaginal intercourse.

 

As for being with a man, never have been and have absolutley no interest in that option. I joke actually because one of my brothers is gay...so we all ended up being "ass men" one way or another.

[angie2443]

I think maybe you're a cake eater. There several times in your post where you make comparisons between your wife and your ex. What I hear you saying is, your wife is good at x, but not y. For example, your wife is more spontanious, but not as clean as a result. Your wife is more average, which is good for a mother, but more boring than your x, who maybe wouldn't make good mother material. I think the most respectable thing you can do, is decide which type of woman you want, and stick with that decision. You can't have both (cheating) without hurting people.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

I think maybe you're a cake eater. There several times in your post where you make comparisons between your wife and your ex. What I hear you saying is, your wife is good at x, but not y. For example, your wife is more spontanious, but not as clean as a result. Your wife is more average, which is good for a mother, but more boring than your x, who maybe wouldn't make good mother material. I think the most respectable thing you can do, is decide which type of woman you want, and stick with that decision. You can't have both (cheating) without hurting people.

 

 

I didn't go back and re-read my post ( because I wrote too much ) but I don't think I mentioned anywhere about trying to make a decision. From a sexual satisfaction standpoint I am much happier with my ex or my affair partner....the more enjoyable intimacy the closer I felt emotionally. If intimacy is the foundation of a relationship then I had a great foundation with both of them.....but I know it would be like having a well built foundation for your house but then only having enough money left to put a cardboard box on top of it to live in. I may have cracks in the foundation with my wife but we have built a very nice house on top of it.

 

Family is very important to both my wife and I and I have no desire to be the father who says to his adult son "Sorry I left you and your mom when you were a child but she wouldn't take it in the butt...so you understand right?" I'm not trying to make a decision to stay or leave. I'm trying to see how other people in similar situations have coped or gotten around the issue. If I wanted to leave for sex I would have left with my affair partner 6 months ago before all the crazy stuff had went on with her.

 

Sorry if that sounded snippy...wasn't meant to be :-)

[whichwayisup]

Basically it comes down to your sex life or your life outside of the bedroom.

 

Or, talk to your wife about having an open marriage. That since you seem to love anal, can't live without it, and she's not into it, then what other choice do you have? Sneak off on occasion and cheat on her?

 

Which is more important, being a father, a family man, a good husband surrounded by your kids? Being around a loving wife, who really is a good woman, and does have sex with you (just not anal).

 

Just think it out. Do you believe that your fetish has ruined your life? If you weren't so into anal play, would you still have cheated on your wife?

 

Also it sounds like you don't "love" another woman, just what they give you..Like they aren't "wife" material, enough for you to cut bail and marry someone else who can pleasure you the way you want to in the bedroom.

[Hazyhead]

I don't think it's necessarily that the AP wouldn't make good mother material, but she isn't the mother of his child, so it wouldn't be possible to even know that - Plus, it's now irrelevant as he is already a father to the son from his marriage. His AP might have also made a great mother despite how she does or doesn't perform in the bedroom. Or rather, how sexually compatible the union was.

 

DoW, is there some other way os spicing things up with your wife? I understand your situation. I was in a long term relationship when I started in an affair with a MM. The affair made me realise the relationship I was in wasn't right for me, and although it wasn't everything, sexually incompatability was a part of that. Even though things haven't worked out for me and the MM, I don't regret leaving the relationship. It's very different for you though, because of your son, but it depends on how big an issue it is for you. Is there a chance it will fester and get even worse? If you can't have everything then you need to choose.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Basically it comes down to your sex life or your life outside of the bedroom.

 

Or, talk to your wife about having an open marriage. That since you seem to love anal, can't live without it, and she's not into it, then what other choice do you have? Sneak off on occasion and cheat on her?

 

Which is more important, being a father, a family man, a good husband surrounded by your kids? Being around a loving wife, who really is a good woman, and does have sex with you (just not anal).

 

Just think it out. Do you believe that your fetish has ruined your life? If you weren't so into anal play, would you still have cheated on your wife?

 

Also it sounds like you don't "love" another woman, just what they give you..Like they aren't "wife" material, enough for you to cut bail and marry someone else who can pleasure you the way you want to in the bedroom.

 

If I weren't so into anal then I don't think I would have cheated on my wife. There were many other things going on at the time that clouded my judgement but it was ultimately my calculation that I would only maybe have anal sex 20-25 more times in my life that was at the core of my decision.

 

I can't agree on the not "loving" another woman part. I was very much in love with my ex and despite all of the issues she had I still proposed to her figuring the grass isn't greener anywhere else and I would rather work through any problems we had rather than leave her for someone else. I was shocked when she cheated on me and said she was leaving for a guy she had met 2 weeks earlier....8 months before our wedding.

 

When I met my W 2 months later I have to admit that I was still rather guarded emotionally. After all I had done for my ex and how I had felt to her it was all for not. Ultimately I knew that her leaving me was the best thing she could have done for me but it still stung. So I looked at my W and although I didn't feel the same emotional or sexual connection with her, I knew she would make a great life partner. I had learned that emotional love could screw you over in the end and wasn't falling for that again. I loved my W with my head more than my heart perhaps right from the beginning. Years later she told me she knew I was the man she wanted to marry by our second date....it certainly didn't come so quickly to me.

 

My xAP accused me of just using her for sex and to get what my wife wouldn't provide me. She said I never cared about her and that every word I ever said to her was a lie. The thing was, I felt an emotional connection to her that I had never felt with my W. I know it wasn't just sex and it pains me deeply to have hurt her so despite all of the things she said and did. I shouldn't care about her...but I still do...and that certainly isn't coming from my head or I would be smart enough to know better.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

I don't think it's necessarily that the AP wouldn't make good mother material, but she isn't the mother of his child, so it wouldn't be possible to even know that - Plus, it's now irrelevant as he is already a father to the son from his marriage. His AP might have also made a great mother despite how she does or doesn't perform in the bedroom. Or rather, how sexually compatible the union was.

 

DoW, is there some other way os spicing things up with your wife? I understand your situation. I was in a long term relationship when I started in an affair with a MM. The affair made me realise the relationship I was in wasn't right for me, and although it wasn't everything, sexually incompatability was a part of that. Even though things haven't worked out for me and the MM, I don't regret leaving the relationship. It's very different for you though, because of your son, but it depends on how big an issue it is for you. Is there a chance it will fester and get even worse? If you can't have everything then you need to choose.

 

Unfortunately it is a fact of being worried about the xAP being in a parental role for my son. She was drunk and drove to pick her son up one night and that really scared me more than anything else she had said or done.

 

Both my IC have said that they don't think I can get passed this and will end up having another A. I don't agree with that though. Even if I didn't care a lick about anyone but myself....this has been incredibly painful for me. I do love my xAP despite everything and leaving her has been tough. Most of my friends have always been females and the fact that even though she wanted to be with me and I loved being with her and talking to her or emailing her through the day...I have now lost my AP as a friend. Talking to or even hanging out with other women has never been an issue for me but now I can't even say an innocent hello to my xAP. I have never lost contact with anyone I cared about ( including my ex I mentioned ). Dropping out of someone's life that I care about has been very difficult and I NEVER want to go through this pain again. Add to that the suffering my wife has to endure, the hurt of my xAP and the effect it would have on my son as he would be old enough to know what's going on....and I am quite prepared to just "grin and bear it" for the rest of my life....it's just not all that exciting a prospect.

[Hazyhead]

I'm sorry, I hadn't read any of your previous posts; I now have and understand the concern completely. That's a lot you have to deal with, but yes, your AP wouldn't have been a good role model nor parental figure for your son. I also understand the pain of losing someone you love from your life, or am beginning to understand it, as my AP may well completely vanish from mine and like you, I've never lost contact with anyone I cared for. It makes me sad that you seem to have lost all hope though. I respect you trying to work on your marriage for the sake of your son (exactly what my AP said), but that doesn't need to be the end of things for you. If, sadly, you and your wife part ways, there will be somebody else for you and those desires you have... well...

[whichwayisup]

I really hate to say this but your wife was the rebound gal..And you married her. Seems like you're not inlove with your wife, she's a good wife and mother, a good family woman, on the outside, does the right thing, loves you, supports you .. But, you don't feel 'it' for her. Whether it be no passion or no real deep caring love, no sexual love either - Fact is, she will never have you the way she deserves because you don't feel that same way about her.

 

Do you want to save your marriage, try to connect with your wife? Or is the writing on the wall?

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

I really hate to say this but your wife was the rebound gal..And you married her. Seems like you're not inlove with your wife, she's a good wife and mother, a good family woman, on the outside, does the right thing, loves you, supports you .. But, you don't feel 'it' for her. Whether it be no passion or no real deep caring love, no sexual love either - Fact is, she will never have you the way she deserves because you don't feel that same way about her.

 

Do you want to save your marriage, try to connect with your wife? Or is the writing on the wall?

 

 

I hate to look at it that way but after all that has happened ( which I never thought I would ever do ) I can't help but worry about that.

 

I looked at my ex and I was willing to marry her despite our issues. My parents didn't want me to marry her and everyone felt my W was a breath of fresh air when she came along. I felt if "just being in love" and having an extremely compatible sexual and emotional chemistry wasn't the right reasons to marry someone than looking at values and life goals were the proper way to go. I couldn't feel I was marrying my W for the wrong reasons because that would have made the reasons right for marrying my ex ( which nobody really thought was a good idea ).

 

I am on here because I do want to save my marriage and connect with my W, otherwise I would have just taken the advice of both my ICs and left. One IC pointed out the rebound angle to me as well saying that after you end a relationship you tend to look for someone who is completely the opposite of the person you were with...and sometimes you go too far to the opposite end of the scale and completely lose the things that you did love about your previous relationship.

 

This may sound like an oxymoron considering I've jut had an A but I am actually a very loyal person ( which made it difficult with the A because then I felt a need to be loyal to both which was obviously impossible ). I don't want to leave my family and it would take me alot to ever consider doing so. I suspect that is why "someone" from my AP's life contacted my W on 3 occasions....because she knew that even though I was in love with her...I would never leave my family unless she could get them to leave me.

 

No matter the degree or range of my emotions for my W, she is someone I do love and care about very much. I wouldn't do anything to any of my friends that would cost them their house, totally disrupt their life, or take their children away from them every second weekend...so I wouldn't want to do that to my W either.

 

I do know that my W deserves better than this and wish I could find a way to be better for her. I do think eventually she will just not feel the love she needs to be happy and leave. I can't say as it hasn't been depressng lately as Christmas approaches ( and my son isn't even 2 yet ) and it's in the back of my mind that this could be the last Christmas for my family together.

[kevinconner]

I do not feel there is a cure for sexual incompatibility. You need this first, and then you connect, you share and you are more open to sharing back.

 

Your wife may indeed have most of what she wants in a relationship and has no kind of daily issue that she wakes up with, thinks about, and finds no resolution.

 

One thing for sure. This dilema you are is going to kill you. Your body is suffering and as a result, you are going to live a shorter life.

 

What I am doing now, after reading a couple of books, is trying to first work on myself. My inner self worth. Building this up, it may be easier in the long run to make a decision. In addition, I am now pouring myself into my children. Why?

 

The fact that I married in part to keep my family happy is a huge problem. I do not want to raise my children and not build in them a real sense of self, enough to know what they want and to not make huge decisions without the right set of mind.

 

You may owe it to your son to make sure he turns out OK. Raise him up, put him on the right track and at the same time work on yourself.