3 week break goes bad

[samlovespearljam]

Okay, here's the deal...

 

My girlfriend and I were dating for 2 years. In the relationship's prime, it truely felt like magic--for both of us; unless she's a liar, which she isn't.

 

Anyways, 3 weeks ago we decided to go on a break. It's almost the end of our first semester in college and right before Thanksgiving break, she told me that she needed time away from me because the spark was gone, to which I fully agreed. The spark was gone and I wanted to replenish it. She was in total control of the outcome and at first I was optimistic because I believe she still loves me.

 

She said she needed thanksgiving break to think and straighten herself out. Her mom and step father were talking about divorce, as well as her cousin and his wife, with whom now she is best friends with. She had a lot on her plate.

 

Towards the end of thanksgiving break, she told me she was going to need more time. I agreed to this because I love her. She said she needed to be more independent because she relied on me for everything. She also mentioned wanting to make more friends because she was missing out on a lot of the "college experience." Still, I agreed, however I had now begun to miss her a lot.

 

She started making friends and going out and partying. We had always been a couple of little party animals so this didn't worry me. However, I still missed her.

 

I tried to talk to her about what I was feeling but she just said she just needed more time and that she was having a blast.

 

After this I had become suspicious of what she was doing. So much so that I knew in my heart that she was probably screwing around or seeing someone--which was my worst fear.

 

Today I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if she was having sex with anyone else because I didn't want to be kept in the dark any longer. It was making me feel stupid.

 

--It's the third week of our break. We'd been dating for 2 years.

 

She said "I'm not seeing anyone, but I got wasted and ****ed this guy 3 times"

 

Of course I was infuriated, but I didn't blow up. I told her that I was very disappointed and that maybe we weren't meant to be together.

 

She said thank you for being mature and that she appreciates it and that she thinks we might still be meant for each other.

 

Now I'm trying to move on, and now I know that it doesn't matter if I go after another girl. I would have sex with another girl, but I don't feel like it would change how I feel about her. I feel wronged even though we were technically single. It doesn't seem right that she had sex with another guy 3 weeks into a break. It seems too soon. I feel like she wasn't even thinking about me and that she didn't care if we worked anything out--which hurts a lot.

 

We never really fought much during our relationship and the break was, for the most part, pretty sudden. I just don't understand and I'm really confused.

 

If anyone can make some sort of sense of this, and offer any advice as to what to do, I'd appreciate it.

[oneandone]

This sucks bro. This may or may not help you, but this is pretty normal in young relationships. College changes not only a lot of relationships, but people as well. The whole "party/ freedom" experience college provides probably made your gf think quite a bit about being committed with you. As the weeks wore on and the more and more times she overheard other girls talking about how much fun they were having being single and partying, and also Im sure she had some wondering eyes on other men in class and what not, it made her realize that she would rather live for the experience than live for you. It sucks, but it happens and is a major part of maturing.

 

You have played it very well and mature so far. Thats all you can do right now. Go out with your friends, party your balls off, focus on school, the gym, extracurricular activities, inter mural sports, etc. to get your mind off of her. Take other girls out and start focusing on moving on. DONT DWELL ON THIS! You are young and there are too many fish in the sea to catch the wale right now. Do not contact her unless she contacts you. If she does, just be cool about everything and appreciative of the good memories you have with her. Once she experiences other guys and how they dont treat her as well as you do, then she will start coming back and telling you she misses you and hopes your well, etc.

 

I know this harder said than done, but you have to just play it cool right now like you understand where shes coming from and this is whats best for the both of you. Focus on yourself, and start looking at the glass half full instead of empty. Dont be bitter with her either. That will push her further away. Make her see that you are fine with or without her and you can have just as much fun, if not more, as shes having.

[HLP234]

Wow that sucks, I'm in the same break situation and mine went home for the holidays. I hope she won't do that, it will just kill me.

 

I know its a more comfortable situation for her than it is for the guy, but if she cares than she would not have done what she did. I just hope the same does not happen to me because then I have waited for nothing..and been egged on every time I try to pull away from her and give her the space she wanted.

[Miko]

Repeat after me

"I don't DO breaks...sweetheart"

Seriously, who invented the "break" anyway? Someone who wanted to F*** other people and have a relationship at the same time, that's who.

[samlovespearljam]

Update:

 

Our conversation is now mostly lengthy facebook messages. I think she might just feel bad for hurting me, but I don't know. She said that she didn't mean for things to happen between her and this guy...they just did. But I'm thinking if it's a mistake...why the hell would it happen 3 times? Is she just trying to sugar coat things?

 

Right now I'm hurting and I don't know if I can fully forgive her for all this. I'm just trying to get some closure from her. I want to know why she pissed our relationship away like this. I think she's just going to continue to tell me that she didn't mean for it to happen like this and she's doesn't know why. But if i'm going to be able to move on with any success, I need some answers.

 

--i think the first post guy drives a valid point about the college thing--

[Miko]

Seen it a thousand times. Sometimes it's when they go away to college(and start partying), sometimes it's when they turn 21(and start partying). Those are the two big ones. She want's to 'try new things' which is understandable but calling that a 'break' is f'ing ridiculous. It just happens, you may be able to catch her on the other side of it but go on with your life in the meantime.

 

In the future, remember "Honey...I don't DO breaks"

[HLP234]

She will never tell you the real reason. The reason for a break is so that they can just do it without hurting you. Mine has even apologized for all the hurt she is causing me while I wait.

 

That still means nothing, because the situation has not changed. You can sit and pry for all the answers and it won't do anything. So just take it as she didn't care about you at all, if she really did she would of told you without you having to ask her.

 

Also, take it as she cheated because, think of it this way, yes you guys are on a break, not together, watever...our status on facebook is "It's Complicated." Would you go an do the same thing to her with another girl if you care so much about her even if you are respecting the break she wants?

 

I would not and you wouldn't either probably so just accept it and tell her you can't see or talk to her anymore, it will help you get better.

[samlovespearljam]

That's what part of me wants to do. That part of me just wants to tell her to **** off and that I hate her for what she did to me. Because ultimately I don't know if can forgive her.

 

However, the other part of me loves her deeply and has already forgiven her and just wants her back. Which I know is foolish--but you can't tell your subconscious what to think can you? Its a whole other person.

 

Also, I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. Only one of my friends understands what I'm going through and he and his girlfriend ended up back together. So he just gives me false hope. My other friends have no clue what to think of the situation. They are stupid when it comes to love.

 

My family lives 200 miles away, and I don't like talking to them about my problems anyway.

 

So here I am on this forum since the only person I've ever been completely open with has cut me loose.

[silic0ntoad]

No breaks. Breaks are simply a girls way of doing things outside of the relationship without ending it.

 

I don't say honey. I say simply this. "If you want a break, I'm out. Peace."

 

Done deal. They never hear from me again. No breaks. No second chances. No looking back. No mercy for the merciless.

[Miko]

No breaks. Breaks are simply a girls way of doing things outside of the relationship without ending it.

 

I don't say honey. I say simply this. "If you want a break, I'm out. Peace."

 

Done deal. They never hear from me again. No breaks. No second chances. No looking back. No mercy for the merciless.

 

THANK GOD!!! FINALLY!!

 

No breaks...ever.

 

She'll respect you for it.

[McGrupp]

dont tell her to **** off. dont tell her you love her.

 

just stop calling and answering her calls. if u want her to come crawling back thats the only way.

 

and go live man. college is short and flies by.

[HLP234]

The worst part of a break is when you over analyze stuff because you know she's not with you and she can do whatever. So the best thing to do is just ignore it and get you mind on something else.

 

Maybe they come back and realize what they did, but that's highly unlikely..its just gonna end up with you having to make the decision because they will just continue to ask for time until she completely separates herself from you.

[silic0ntoad]

And that's why you don't do a break. MEN I IMPLORE YOU. DO NOT ALLOW A FEMALE TO TAKE A BREAK ON YOU. YOU ARE SIMPLY BEING A PU$$Y DOORMAT THAT WAITS ABOUT FOR THEM TO COME BACK. IF A GIRL ASKS YOU FOR A BREAK, TELL HER IT'S OVER. DON'T BE A DOORMAT. SHOW THEM YOU HAVE BALLS.

[HLP234]

Yeh that's too bad I learned it the hard way. What sucks is everything was perfect than out of nowhere it came.

 

I could understand she had issues to figure out because she had recently moved and went through a state of depression but still, should not take more than 2 weeks at the most to figure out what she wants.

 

I wish I could of told her before she went home for holidays..now I have to suffer some more until she comes back because I would like it to be in person.

[Miko]

Yeh that's too bad I learned it the hard way. What sucks is everything was perfect than out of nowhere it came.

 

I could understand she had issues to figure out because she had recently moved and went through a state of depression but still, should not take more than 2 weeks at the most to figure out what she wants.

 

I wish I could of told her before she went home for holidays..now I have to suffer some more until she comes back because I would like it to be in person.

 

Just add this to your "Don't f'ing do that again" list

 

1. Don't do breaks

2. Don't do breaks

3. Don't be 'best friends' unless you're actually dating

4. Don't take no ****

5. Don't talk smack about her friends(even if she does)

6. Don't get complacent

7. Don't be indecisive

[HLP234]

Yeh I will have to do that as hard as it may seem. Wish I would have done it earlier instead of sitting there thinking yeh she must really be affected by the move and what not.

 

It has something to do with the connection she has with the best friend, we too have a connection but she is failing to see it for some reason. Oh well, now I have learned what to do when it comes to this.

[samlovespearljam]

Update:

 

I told her today that I was through. Although it hurts deeply to throw it away so soon after such a long, great time, i feel like i need it. i told her that down the road, i may take her out to catch up and then take it from there. i deleted her from my facebook and told her i wouldn't be texting or calling anymore. i told her to give her mom and step-dad my love and that was that.

 

It ****in sucks. Especially when I thought i knew her perfectly. Men will never know women. they're all ****ed up in the head. i thought she was different, but i was stupid.

[hurting_in_nw]

Good job dude. Now you've gotta stick to it! I don't want to see a post from you in a few days saying how you called her and got all mushy and whatnot. Stick to it!! Go for a drive, throw on Rearviewmirror at an obscenely loud volume and leave her behind.

[oneandone]

Like I said, just dont act bitter towards her. Always play it cool and you will always leave the door open in her eyes.

 

You made your decision now be confident about it. If you stick to your guns and become a better man, it will bite her in the butt sometime down the road. Whether she sees you at a party making out with another girl, or at the store shopping with a lady friend, or out having a great time with a bunch of friends, it will definitely come back to haunt her down the road. Until that day, just stay positive and get ready to start fishing with dynamite because college is the EASIEST PLACE EVER to meet new girls.

[HLP234]

Does playing it cool mean being her friend? After she hurt me like this with this stupid break that I don't understand, I can't seem to be her friend if I am to heal.

 

I will let her know though that we can't be friends because I still have feelings for her and I need to heal up. I know she will try and talk to me but I will do my best not to.

 

So if you are ignoring her this way will she ever realize it? All I want is for her to realize what she gave up for granted. I don't really care if she wants me back after I tell her what my decision is. If she does fine, if not then i can not act like nothing happened while being her friend.

[traderho]

99.99% of the time when a woman wants a break its code for "I want to f*** other guys". Some good advice on here that when a woman says that to you a clean break is definitely needed and never, ever look back.

[samlovespearljam]

Haha, rearviewmirror. Nice. I'm gonna do that.

[HLP234]

It makes perfect sense but it pisses me off that she asked for space, I giver her space, and then not even a day goes by and she will randomly text me and make me feel like **** for not talking to her.

 

I tell her I'm giving you time to yourself and she says,

 

I want my time but I miss you and you dont even talk to me about anything or just try to make small talk... it's making completly just want to walk away and never get back into a relationship with you at all.

 

Wtf is the point of this? Whenever I try to talk to her about it she always says you can't just talk to me you have to talk about "this."

 

Everyone I know is saying she has issues from what they have heard from me.

[samlovespearljam]

Another update in case anyone is still interested:

 

I've been doing no contact for the past couple days. I did have to see her briefly to get the last of my stuff but I kept it short.

 

-Opening the door of her truck,

 

"I'd stay and chit chat but it wouldn't do us any good....My door's always open."

 

-Closed truck door and walked away.

 

She messaged me on facebook saying:

 

"I can't PROMISE you anything, because it's hard to tell where our futures will lead us, but I'd consider going on a date."

 

I replied:

 

"After your consideration this time, I'll be sure not to get my hopes up"

 

I'm pretty sure she's seeing the dude she ****ed. Which sucks. Although I've been talking to a couple of girls here and there I still feel lonely. I've been working out for a good while and lost 20 lbs. I was never very fat to begin with so I'm looking pretty good. I've been hanging out with friends and partying and whatnot but the loneliness still lingers on the back of every other thought.

 

My mind plays various tricks on me like saying that she's going to be at the party that I'm going to tonight and I'm going to win her back. I know this is not true, although there is a slight chance of her being there. I steer clear of thoughts of false hope, but my conscious still pushes them in my direction.

 

There's a 75% chance I'm going to get laid tonight, endorphins are coursing through my muscles, and Christmas is around the corner, and yet none of this moves me at all. Why am I stuck in such a rut? I hide it from everyone. Most people, including her, think I'm doing just fine. Which is a good thing. But still...why won't the loneliness go away even when I'm in good company?

[HLP234]

It won't go away because it takes time and perhaps you want her to realize that she messed up. She won't realize for a while either. But by that time hopefully you have moved on and have someone else. You just have to go with it I guess, its hard but time will help heal.