McGrupp Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 i wantd to know what you guys thought about 2 things ive been contemplating. th first is that, when my ex said at our last dinner " i need to feel empowered right now" that that comment was actually emotionally abusive in some form. using the putting down of someone else to empower yourself. the 2nd thing is ive been reading a lot of pick up books and realized that my relationship went south when i stopped being a douchebag (for lack of a better term) to her and turned into a nice guy. the challenge was gone and she also cheated a year b4 which brings up another point. a lot of these relationship books say to never take back a cheater because you will never forget and anytime she does something you will be worried and i think that was true for me, and created my insecurity and me sapping her independence. anyway...thoughts? kinda ramble as i sit here. also one book mentions how rationalizing is a thing men do a lot (the irony abounds)
USMCHokie Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 First of all, good on you for reading and trying to learn more about yourself and relationships in general. Second, stop using that knowledge to analyze the past...you should learn from the past and apply that knowledge to the present and future... Insecurity often brings down many relationships...it's not that you turned into a nice guy or stopped being a douchebag, but you lost confidence in yourself and your relationship after your ex cheated...just as confidence is a quality women want when they first start dating you, confidence will always be something they want you to have during the relationship until the both of your grow old and senile... This is a good observation that you've made about why your past relationship may have failed...take that and only that away from the past and apply it to present McGrupp...that's how we learn from the past without letting it tear us apart...
Author McGrupp Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 i feel like im moving on a lot. sort of where the 3 week period of NC leaves you. i felt like this b4 too when i was at 25 days in october b4 i spiraled way donw by breaking NC. anyway...i saw a pic of her tonight by accident (was looking at old photos from a wedding we went to) and i didnt phase me to hard. actually kinda took her off the edestal a little. still made me sad though
deebeechrisyo Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I don't think you need to be a douchebag, but yes losing your confidence and turning into a doormat was I'm sure a big part of her losing attraction. It's very good that you can see this and learn from it. For me, I regret settling into a lull during my last relationship. I pretty much put a hold on all my goals and ambitions and settled for what I had. Huge mistake and this is something I will never do again.
Author McGrupp Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 yeah but i cant get my respect back from her and thats what sucks. i want her back so bad.
mickleb Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 How come you can get your respect back FOR her? (The cheating definitley f*cked your relationship, btw.)
Author McGrupp Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 it wasnt just the fact she cheated. it was as one book said "what went through her head" at the time. see she was going for drinks on her bday with 2 guys from work and her and another girl in the city. of course i wante to go. she said no. at that point i shouldve laid down the law and walked away. of course i was like, fine go and have fun. ill be here! and then she admitted to kissing one of the guys. came back. i let her. but we never dealt with that moment or moments where she put herself in those situations. i wish i was a man when i was with her instead of turning into a giant pussy.
mickleb Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 So her getting off with someone else helped?
Author McGrupp Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 helped what? the relationship? it was me saying its over after that and her running and crying for me back that made me come back. i thought it had made us stronger.
mickleb Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 helped what? the relationship? it was me saying its over after that and her running and crying for me back that made me come back. i thought it had made us stronger. Yes, the relationship. Silly you. Cheating doesn't strengthen bonds. Building trust does. She shattered yours and your confidence went down the pan, too. Nevermind. You will find someone you can trust. When you've built your confidence back up. You have finally begun to work on this. Don't stop now. x
Author McGrupp Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 i wish i had been more mature in this relationsip. i always thought i was. anway im much better a lot of the time. much , much better.
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