Dark-Farmer Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I don't think what she did was all too wrong. The affair was definitely wrong, but revealing it wasn't. Sure revealing the affair to his wife hurt his wife, but it was her husbands unfaithfulness that truly hurt her. I think she is better off knowing what he did in the long run, so that she could choose how to move forward with her life. And she ultimately choose to leave him, it might actually be different if she choose to make it work. If she found it important enough to leave her husband over she is probably somewhat relieved she learnt who her husband actually is. Plus he sounds like an *sshole. Come on firing her for "stealing" because he was too much of a coward to call it off. He dug his own hole, how could he not predict a move like this? if i did that to someone i would Expect them to do that to me. PS - if she found out through other means she would have been atleast equally as crushed. May as well let the cat out of the bag now, plus he sounds like a repeat offender you probably saved her further heart break.
Gabriele Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I don't think what she did was all too wrong. The affair was definitely wrong, but revealing it wasn't. Sure revealing the affair to his wife hurt his wife, but it was her husbands unfaithfulness that truly hurt her. I think she is better off knowing what he did in the long run, so that she could choose how to move forward with her life. And she ultimately choose to leave him, it might actually be different if she choose to make it work. If she found it important enough to leave her husband over she is probably somewhat relieved she learnt who her husband actually is. As a BS, I agree....if my H was feeding me Bullsh*# and just feeding me more lies, to 'heal the relationship"....I would hope that someone would pull the wool off my eyes. I think that the OP was disrespectful and harsh (but I get that she knows that now), but when people are in pain they act selfishly too. So I don't really agree with the level of 'harshness' but I think it just adds insult to injury, literally, to having the devastation of discovering an A, then to be continually lied to when you are so hurt and broken, it's awful.... ick.
Samantha0905 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Nope ... like I said in the post above, I didn't share all the details in my original post. They lived in a gorgeous house in an exclusive part of town. What he really wanted to keep was that house, his wife was just incidental (the house was in her name, not his). i.e. her Cardinal Sin about him not having another woman in the house I think I was going for him losing that stupid house, and I was having a petty jealousy fit that a physical structure made of wood and stone could somehow be more important to someone than me. I think when people enter into an affair, they should understand this is a possible outcome in the end (your telling her, I mean.) The jilted partner may end up getting angry and telling. Unfortunately, in the beginning the affair partners aren't thinking it all out -- they are in full blown lust at the time. They are having some kind of void filled and I do believe it is addictive. It could have been more than the house for him. A marriage involves all sorts of things. A relationship history between the husband and wife, children sometimes, holidays together, worldly possessions, security, etc. He, no doubt, was an ass if he fired you. I do think it would have been in both of your best interests, however, to not work in the same place once the affair ended. Deciding who the fall guy should be -- in your situation -- seems to have been him as he was the one choosing to stay in his marriage after making plans to be together with you. If he was your boss, he should have had the sense not to have had an affair with you anyway. I'm not sure he was all out lying to you purposefully. Maybe, at one time, he thought he could do it. I know this would make a person feel like someone was playing with their emotions, but the affair partners are already screwing around with all sorts of people's emotions (his wife, their children if they have any, etc.) Saying it and doing it are two entirely different things. Maybe he weighed it all out and decided he'd keep his family. That apparently went amiss. It's difficult for an affair partner to cry foul because they feel their emotions were played with. What about the wife's emotions? It's a screwed up situation. Anyway, I think it's a risk people take when they get into an affair. He screwed you over big time and you set out to get him back and did. I don't know how I would act in the same situation. In my head, I doubt I would tell the wife -- but the firing thing was huge -- and now I'm reading back and seeing he accused you of stealing? He's an ass. He played with fire.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 (edited) So for those who cheat ... beware because you never know when you'll wind up with someone like me! you liked having another woman's man UNTIL you felt jilted. but it was ok to sleep with another woman's husband at the time, no? Edited December 15, 2009 by Dexter Morgan
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I pray others read and understand the magnitude of your post. If one person takes something from it and changes, your journey will be fruitful. Thank you Bent, that was my intentions in bringing up an affair that died 4 years ago And yes, you were right about the other stuff too, I just had my head up my ass and wasn't thinking clearly.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I'm thinking that better revenge might have been suing him for firing you. Then at least you wouldn't have been left penniliess by his act of cowardice until you could find another job. Maybe if I had been thinking more clearly back then I would have thought of that myself!
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 She was ALREADY a victim, and you added to her nightmare. It will take this poor woman MANY years to recover...if ever. You have likely damaged her permanently. Saying "she dumped him" , like she is a strong woman, who wont tolerate his crap....it don't work that way sweetie....she's messed up beyond compare. You are asserting strong opinions as facts about someone you never even knew existed until you read a post about her on the web. She was indeed a very strong woman, and once she found out the truth, she dumped him off at the curb. Messed up beyond compare? How could you even present that as a fact?
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 this is one of those threads that should fall under "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!"
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 So now you're on the other side of it. Being cheated upon by your partner. Yep. Karma is a bitch. My only solace is that his EA partner is over 1,000 miles away, and I'm thinking her husband won't be allowing her anymore trips to Las Vegas "with the girls" any time too soon.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 this is one of those threads that should fall under "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" LMAO!!
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 LMAO!! pretty funny, eh? i just couldn't resist!
road Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 janeinvegas The OMW deserved the truth. No one was going to give it to her. You did the right thing. Bonus was you got to get back at the OM by doing the right thing. Measure of character is would you of had exposed the OM to his wife if you were not fired from your job. If you had no need for revenge. That you exposed and apologiezed to the OMW because it was the right thing to do. Would you?
Dexter Morgan Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 this is one of those threads that should fall under "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" no pun intended
bittersweet memories Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) So for those who cheat ... beware because you never know when you'll wind up with someone like me! OMG.. Its funny to read this quote...So you basically got Karma from years back. So BEWARE! Edited December 18, 2009 by bittersweet memories
Stung Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I don't think what she did was all too wrong. The affair was definitely wrong, but revealing it wasn't. Sure revealing the affair to his wife hurt his wife, but it was her husbands unfaithfulness that truly hurt her. I think she is better off knowing what he did in the long run, so that she could choose how to move forward with her life. And she ultimately choose to leave him, it might actually be different if she choose to make it work. If she found it important enough to leave her husband over she is probably somewhat relieved she learnt who her husband actually is. Plus he sounds like an *sshole. Come on firing her for "stealing" because he was too much of a coward to call it off. He dug his own hole, how could he not predict a move like this? if i did that to someone i would Expect them to do that to me. PS - if she found out through other means she would have been atleast equally as crushed. May as well let the cat out of the bag now, plus he sounds like a repeat offender you probably saved her further heart break. Agreed that the wife needed/deserved to know, I think most agree with that...if I were a BS I would certainly want to know, so I have never understood the queasy morality some people on this board adopt about who's 'place' it is to tell. And yes, it was the actions, the repeated betrayals perpetrated by the husband, which delivered the truly crushing blows. However I do think that giftwrapping the sexual imagery the way the OP did and pressing it indelibly into the wife's mind and psyche was an additional layer of cruelty, and that is what most posters are responding to. To some it might seem like a minor extra irritant, but to others...salt in the wound really stings. I know I would have a very hard time getting over the visuals that would give me. In addition it appears to have made her feel so unclean and unsafe in her house, her HOME which was in her name ONLY that she had to put it on the market. Sad. I can only wish the wife well and be glad Jane seems to have learned from her experience.
jnj express Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Hey Jane----you may have done it for the wrong reasons---BUT HIS WIFE HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT HER SCUMBAG H. You were right in telling her, so she could make decisions about her own life based on truth, and not her H's deceit, and manipulations. Everyone has right to know what is going on in the life so they can make informed decisions about their future. Sure it caused her pain, but the vows she took were with her H. He caused her the grief, her beef is with her H. She took no vows with you.
torranceshipman Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I think you did the right thing - for once the W received some respect from someone in her M, via receipt of absolutely honest about what was going on - no more lies, gaslighting, cheating, etc - which also probably helped her get a good D settlement so she could start anew. I don't care why you did it - I think it was the right thing to do, because ultimately it led to the W being told the truth and being able to see the light and get away from such a big loser of a H.
MizFit Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Hey Jane----you may have done it for the wrong reasons---BUT HIS WIFE HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT HER SCUMBAG H. You were right in telling her, so she could make decisions about her own life based on truth, and not her H's deceit, and manipulations. Everyone has right to know what is going on in the life so they can make informed decisions about their future. Sure it caused her pain, but the vows she took were with her H. He caused her the grief, her beef is with her H. She took no vows with you. I agree with all of this. As I said before I don't think the delivery and reasons were the best, but I agree. I wish more than anything that my xMMs W had spoken to me when it happened. I was so blindsided when it happened I really didn't think of approaching her...also don't think I would to this day. Anyway...I wish she'd have called me or had shown up at the door so she could have heard everything (even though she saw every email we sent for 6 months). I think this would have done 2 things...I think it would have given us both one area where there wasn't a question mark. I also think it would have put me in a situation where I'd have possibly betrayed xMM. That wouldn't have been a priority then, but as he's back in contact I think it would have been a way to avoid that happening. I've actually thought about calling her now, but firmly believe it was her place at the beginning and actually still is.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 I wouldn't go forward from this smugly thinking that you played such an important role in his W divorcing him. After all, it's highly likely he's done this before. Maybe the wife had recovered with him before but decided she wouldn't do it again. You'll likely never know. Lessons learned? Not one very important one (maybe the most important one), if you're in a relationship now with another cheater. Why not expose that one 2 all involved? Before it gets "serious"? As 2 the firing. This bugs me the most. Most people who are wrongly terminated fight the termination 2th and nail. Companies prefer 2 "lay off" rather than fire, because nothing needs 2 be proven (and the person laid off can collect unemployment). So, fired for stealing?? That's a pretty serious charge. And one that can affect your ability 2 find similar work down the road. So I'm wondering. Was the charge true, and that's why you didn't fight it? -ol' 2long Smugly? If I have come across as smug, I truly apologize to anyone who thinks so. I started this thread as "a lesson learned" I am with an EA cheater (she lives in Colorado, we're in Nevada) for financial reasons. I have other threads on here regarding my current situation if you feel up to searching for all my posts. And yes, all FOUR parties involved know the truth and are aware that all FOUR people have full knowledge. Full disclosure. As for the firing, I already had a full plate of schitt, I didn't want to have to go to court, jump through hoops to get 'justice' (ha ha) and wait for months or years for a judgment I may or may not have received. I wanted it over with. Besides that, this was back a long time ago when the job market was still decent, I knew I would have another job in less than a week - and did. And NO! I didn't steal, it was just his excuse!
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) I started this thread (as mentioned several times) as a lesson learned type of a thing, but I suppose also in hopes of some small, tiny absolution for what I did to his wife. I braced myself for people telling me mean things, and certainly there are those who have. I am surprised that so many people have said, "It wasn't all that bad, she'll survive and she's moved on." Even though I feel VERY BAD for what I did (especially because I dropped it off at her work, I can't even imagine what happened when she read my handwritten note) I have always been of the mindset that eventually she would look back on it as a lesson learned as well, and eventually be grateful that she just found out the truth. Seriously? ... I doubt she even read my journal. Think about it, if someone presented YOU with a journal under these circumstances, would YOU read it? I'll bet a lot of people wouldn't. I never found out if she actually did or not. My handwritten note (100 words or less) told her a few brief details about the inside of her house, and something about her dog Bruno. That was really all the "proof" she would have required that I was physically inside her house, and that was my goal. I am NOT trying to justify what I did, but I have never thought she would be emotionally scarred over this as some people (including my best friend) have asserted to me. She was a very strong woman, very confidant and financially set. But I'm glad that not 100% of everyone here on this board thinks I deliberately threw this woman under the bus just to get my jollies. That was NOT my goal. Edited December 20, 2009 by JaneInVegas
Recommended Posts