JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I participate on this board because I'm in a relationship with someone who is/was having an EA with someone in another state (knock on wood, he stopped calling her November 13th!) but I was in an affair with my boss back in 2003 thru 2005. I thought I'd share what I did to him and his wife. The affair I had with my then boss totally devastated my personal life. I wound up living alone in a small apartment, waiting on him to "leave" his wife. He drug it out forever and ever, saying he was waiting to get his finances in order. In the meantime, I was spending a LOT of time at his house while his wife was at work. His wife finally found out about us, and about a week later he fired me ... for "stealing". I was so furious with him for stringing me along for such a long time, and had given up so much in my life, dealt with numerous problems, while he just had a walk in the park, and for once I wanted HIM to deal with MASS PROBLEMS. I knew his wife's Cardinal Sin was for him to bring a woman into their home, so you know what I did? I journal almost every day, and did a LOT of it back then, so I copied my journal onto a CD and took it down to her work, with a note telling her how many times I'd been inside their house, and to read my journal so she could see I wasn't lying. I talked in great detail about their house, their dogs, her plants, etc. And of course, I also talked in great detail about how much he said he loved me, and our sex life. I suppose it wasn't the most noble way to get revenge on him, but it gave me great satisfaction to find out she sold the house and dumped his ass just a few weeks later. So for those who cheat ... beware because you never know when you'll wind up with someone like me!
bentnotbroken Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 You seem kind of happy about doing that.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 BB, I know, and I'm not real proud of what I did. I was just infuriated that I'd lost my personal life and then my JOB and he didn't even get a scrape. I was tired of taking 100% of the hits in life. While I didn't go about it the right way, I know that her finding out was in her own best interest. I have sometimes contemplated looking her up and sending her an apology note, but I doubt she ever really wants to hear from me again. It's been about 2 years since they divorced.
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Funny how you didn't care about his wife or her feelings during the A. you knew he was married, chose to be the OW.. Then once the A ended, instead of just accepting that it was over, you screwed him over. Sorry, but when one chooses an A, let alone one with their boss, OWN your part in it. I hope people read this, maybe it'll make those MM or MW think twice before cheating. Seems like anything goes once an A ends, atleast in your situation it looks that way. sorry to be harsh, I just don't see you owning anything and you blame him for it all. Again you didn't care about HER during the A, and it wasn't up to YOU to decide what was/is best for her.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 i'll have to say that i thought about doing this but never would. heres why it crossed my mind. so my marriage is destroyed. i own that, i did that. but i also disclosed everything in an attempt to fix things. he lied to her and tries to fix things based on lies. so this a** who helped to ruin my life gets to keep his because he continued to lie and manipulate her???? something just feels wrong about it. its the sort of feeling that why should those who are honest be punished more than those who deceive? and after the A i'm angry with him. angry for the lies. angry for stringing me along. angry for throwing me under the bus and "using" the hurt he caused me to save his marriage. something inside of me thinks he should have some consequences in this also. why reap the benefits for continuing to be dishonest. why make strides in his own personal life at my expense? afterall we did this together, we should equally take the fall. i wouldnt ever do it, but it has crossed my mind.
Woggle Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 i'll have to say that i thought about doing this but never would. heres why it crossed my mind. so my marriage is destroyed. i own that, i did that. but i also disclosed everything in an attempt to fix things. he lied to her and tries to fix things based on lies. so this a** who helped to ruin my life gets to keep his because he continued to lie and manipulate her???? something just feels wrong about it. its the sort of feeling that why should those who are honest be punished more than those who deceive? and after the A i'm angry with him. angry for the lies. angry for stringing me along. angry for throwing me under the bus and "using" the hurt he caused me to save his marriage. something inside of me thinks he should have some consequences in this also. why reap the benefits for continuing to be dishonest. why make strides in his own personal life at my expense? afterall we did this together, we should equally take the fall. i wouldnt ever do it, but it has crossed my mind. Not trying to insult you but you ruined your own life and destroyed your own marriage. What he did was wrong and he owns that but what has happened to your life is all you. As soon as you realize that you will start the healing process.
MizFit Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Funny how you didn't care about his wife or her feelings during the A. you knew he was married, chose to be the OW.. Then once the A ended, instead of just accepting that it was over, you screwed him over. Sorry, but when one chooses an A, let alone one with their boss, OWN your part in it. I hope people read this, maybe it'll make those MM or MW think twice before cheating. Seems like anything goes once an A ends, atleast in your situation it looks that way. sorry to be harsh, I just don't see you owning anything and you blame him for it all. Again you didn't care about HER during the A, and it wasn't up to YOU to decide what was/is best for her. I don't agree with what the OP did...not by a long shot, but I want to comment on how strongly I disagree with your words. She did have the affair, but it had escalated to a point where they were making plans to be together. He obviously was lying/gaslighting her and she trusted it...if you love someone you trust them until they give you a reason to not trust them. That is why she changed her mindset...he not only threw her under the bus, he took the bus pass and any loose change scattered around the body...he took advantage of his power over her and had her fired (I know we don't have the full story, but going on what is written here). Why would her feelings and her actions not reflect that? As far as 'owning' it...who was cheating on the wife? It was the husband...that's for him to own. He treated the wife like crap and he treated the OW like crap...let him own it. It's like creating wind and fire and figuring they wouldn't come together to burn down the forest. Most WS are clever (or fortunate) enough to keep the 2 elements apart, but sometimes it gets out of their control and things like this happen. Like I said, I don't agree that you put the BS through anything like that. If they approach you then you respond in kind.
Sal Paradise Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Are you sure it was about getting even with the OM? It sounds like to me that it was also about hurting his wife because he chose her over you. 1
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 WhichWay, I wrote this as a lesson learned type of a deal. I knew people would be harsh to me for it, and I was prepared. I owned a LOT of what happened, and he didn't own one damned thing. It took two of us to make that affair happen, and I took 100% while he took 0%. I didn't include all the details for the sake of not making it a novel, but you shouldn't take a short paragraph or two and assume you know all the details. He didn't drag me into his house, I went willingly. But also, I never drove myself there, he always picked me up and brought me over because he didn't want the neighbors to see my car. That takes 2, and it's 50/50 blame. He didn't take his fair share of the problems, even after 2 years of promising me the moon, promising me he was leaving her as soon as his finances got in order. I was naive, stupid, and selfish. I freely admit that. But after he screwed both me and his wife over he still didn't have a scratch on his nose. I hated him for that. My life was a disaster. Does that make what I did right? Of course not. I didn't post this seeking high 5's, I was trying to share some hard learned lessons. I loathe affairs now, and I know I'll never participate in one again.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Are you sure it was about getting even with the OM? It sounds like to me that it was also about hurting his wife because he chose her over you. Nope ... like I said in the post above, I didn't share all the details in my original post. They lived in a gorgeous house in an exclusive part of town. What he really wanted to keep was that house, his wife was just incidental (the house was in her name, not his). i.e. her Cardinal Sin about him not having another woman in the house I think I was going for him losing that stupid house, and I was having a petty jealousy fit that a physical structure made of wood and stone could somehow be more important to someone than me.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 it had escalated to a point where they were making plans to be together. He obviously was lying/gaslighting her and she trusted it...if you love someone you trust them until they give you a reason to not trust them. That is why she changed her mindset...he not only threw her under the bus, he took the bus pass and any loose change scattered around the body...he took advantage of his power over her and had her fired (I know we don't have the full story, but going on what is written here). Why would her feelings and her actions not reflect that? Well said MizFit, I couldn't have said it better myself. I was trying to make Life Plans with this man and not only lost my life as I knew it, but also lost my job. Right or wrong, I wanted to equal out that 0/100 scale to more like 50/50, since that was what it took to make the affair happen in the first place.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 wobble - sorry to burst the bubble but re-read my post. i did own my actions. i do take the blame. the reason why i agree with jane is that i dont feel that he did the same. and so because he wasnt honest with her he benefited. its the feeling that someone weasled their way out of something and in turn got lesser consequences. the issue of where we did it was also a big topic for my xMM and his wife. she thinks we never did it in their bed or in their house. the house he wants to keep. so he sleeps with her each night in that bed and she thinks he never had another woman in the place where she lays her hed. she might re-think things if she knew the truth and he is well aware of that. its the feeling that i get from knowing his marriage is in a better place because he lied. i could have easily told my H we never did it at our house, but in attempts to come clean i was honest. it wasnt the easier route like my xmm took. we both did this, we should both deal with the aftermath. he's dealing with less because he lied.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 MBEG, I admire you for taking the high road and not disclosing the truth to his wife. And while I didn't go about it the right way, I know that her finding out was the right thing. The best Life Lessons are usually those learned the most painfully. We'll survive though.
Woggle Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 You fell for a player and he knew how to weasel his way ouy of things. That is what his kind do. You lost your sense over a man who you should have known better than to go after and it has cost you dearly. It sucks but that is the way of the world. In time he will get his. This is what happens when you betray your spouse over a slick player. There is a lot of liberation in just admitting to yourself that you effed up and using that as a learning experience.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 There is a lot of liberation in just admitting to yourself that you effed up and using that as a learning experience. Agreed!
Hazyhead Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Although I'm not condoning hurting the BS, I agree with Mizfit, he abused and was complacent about his power and behaved despicably. He purposefully hurt her and lost her her job, it would have infuriated me too. I have moments when I feel so vengeful, but I wasn't as severely treated and I know I'll never go through with anything. However, in that position, I'm not so sure I'd 'do the right thing' either.
temple Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Ouch, I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand what you did obviously hurt the W and that's very sad. On the other hand I guess she deserved to know the truth... but was this decision really yours to make? It's a difficult situation either way. I hope that at least you've felt you can move on with your life now. If you keep looking back you'll get a sore neck
bentnotbroken Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I agree that the wife needed to know the truth, and I am not of the camp that the AP shouldn't be the one to tell. I just had an issue with the extreme that you went to hurt her. There was no compassion in what you did. I understand you are trying to use this to help others and that is a good thing. I am glad you have grown from that place, it takes work. My heart just aches for a person who's home was violated. I was that person. While I understand he let you in, he drove you there, you always had the option of saying...." I will not crap on another person's home." Not just a house, but a home. I pray others read and understand the magnitude of your post. If one person takes something from it and changes, your journey will be fruitful.
scatterd Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 (edited) I dont think she hurt his wife by telling her he hurt her by not being honest. Its painfull not knowing and being treated bad for some unknown reason.Im saying this because not knowing and not being able to prove it is a horrible situation to be in, she is most likely happily married to a non cheater now.I also know it was wrong for her to do what she did cheating is ugly. Edited December 15, 2009 by scatterd
HarmonyHope Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Well said MizFit, I couldn't have said it better myself. I was trying to make Life Plans with this man and not only lost my life as I knew it, but also lost my job. Right or wrong, I wanted to equal out that 0/100 scale to more like 50/50, since that was what it took to make the affair happen in the first place. I'm thinking that better revenge might have been suing him for firing you. Then at least you wouldn't have been left penniliess by his act of cowardice until you could find another job. 1
eeyore1981 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I personally don't have a problem with Jane passing this info along to the wife. I don't feel the wrong was done by disclosing the truth, the wrong was done (by Jane) by screwing this woman's husband in the first place. As far as all the OW on here who furiously cling to how they are doing no wrong and owe the wife nothing, your MM owes you nothing, either. It either takes 2, or it does not. Women aren't in here tearing their hair out over being betrayed by their husband because they caught them self-pleasuring in the closet. 1
RedDevil66 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I have not an ounce of respect for cheaters (I was one) but I have to say, I respect your honesty. I'm not a person who would take revenge, and I was shafted in the worst way, but I can totally understand where the actions are created from. This thread is a great example of how being in an affair is a world of total denial and lies. The first problem you had was believing and trusting some man who was cheating on his wife. All these other women who think their "guy" is different and they really love them are blind. And when my ex had an affair and the trash confronted me, I was really hurt by the details, but happy to know since knowing gave me the power/strength to move on from that sick/crazy situation. Lessons learned :-)
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 His wife may NEVER get over the images that you gift wrapped for her. Then you come on this board and say it like you are PROUD of your behavior. Your morals are entirely skewed, and you need to address it with a professional. She was ALREADY a victim, and you added to her nightmare. It will take this poor woman MANY years to recover...if ever. You have likely damaged her permanently. Saying "she dumped him" , like she is a strong woman, who wont tolerate his crap....it don't work that way sweetie....she's messed up beyond compare. What my WW's OM said to me...in one phone call.....****ed me up more than her 6 month affair. I think about it daily for 2 years WITH THERAPY. I can't imagine if OM told me he was in my house, and provided sex info. Look, YOU got yourself into this. YOU decided to get involved with a married man. YOU moved into the apartment YOU believed his bull****....which I am ALWAYS amazed at. The media pokes fun at this DAILY. Join the world of the THINKING people. YOU screwed your MARRIED boss.......which makes you wrong again....in that you are fishing off the company pier.......A KNOWN NO NO. YOU did all of this...he was just trying to get laid. Doesn't make him innocent, yes he is also a low life. But we are talking about you here.
RedDevil66 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 His wife may NEVER get over the images that you gift wrapped for her. Then you come on this board and say it like you are PROUD of your behavior. Your morals are entirely skewed, and you need to address it with a professional. She was ALREADY a victim, and you added to her nightmare. It will take this poor woman MANY years to recover...if ever. You have likely damaged her permanently. Saying "she dumped him" , like she is a strong woman, who wont tolerate his crap....it don't work that way sweetie....she's messed up beyond compare. What my WW's OM said to me...in one phone call.....****ed me up more than her 6 month affair. I think about it daily for 2 years WITH THERAPY. I can't imagine if OM told me he was in my house, and provided sex info. Look, YOU got yourself into this. YOU decided to get involved with a married man. YOU moved into the apartment YOU believed his bull****....which I am ALWAYS amazed at. The media pokes fun at this DAILY. Join the world of the THINKING people. YOU screwed your MARRIED boss.......which makes you wrong again....in that you are fishing off the company pier.......A KNOWN NO NO. YOU did all of this...he was just trying to get laid. Doesn't make him innocent, yes he is also a low life. But we are talking about you here. I think she gets all this and feels like cr&p because of it. And I don't see her as proud of this. Trust me, the wife will get over it and she needed to know. The images will help her move on from this piece of dirt.
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 The compassion was missing. You set out to screw him over, fine - But the way you went about it was wrong. It was malcious and maybe if you had taken the time to apologize to her, speak to her about the real truth instead of doing the way you did I wouldn't have been as harsh as I was. I participate on this board because I'm in a relationship with someone who is/was having an EA with someone in another state (knock on wood, he stopped calling her November 13th!) but I was in an affair with my boss back in 2003 thru 2005. I thought I'd share what I did to him and his wife. So now you're on the other side of it. Being cheated upon by your partner.
Recommended Posts