sleepless79 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I guess everyone likes to think their situation is different, or more intense or what have you... but i've been in deep pain/confusion for over a year and still feel as stagnant and confused as i did in april of 2008 when my boyfriend of 8 years who i lived with that entire time, but was currently out of the country for a 6 month adventure on which he planned to join me for part of, called to say his confusion about us had gotten the best of him, that he had made a slight indiscretion and that he really didn't know if we were meant to be together forever. that he was confused as to why he didn't know if he wanted to marry me after all these years and felt like he should know. i should explain a bit of our relationship - him being a foreigner, we spent much of our relationship abroad on adventures and we were passionate (yes we fought!), conversations were interesting, we experienced a deep emotional connection, we were creative, thoughtful, attentive and very sexual (compared to most couples). we had a really truely joyous connection. he was a very deep philosophical thinker, who struggled with complex issues of humanity's existence and society norms and death and afterlife... we laughed till we ached regularly. our break was a surprise to me, but not a complete surprise - having been together for 8 years without really figuring out / talking about our future together, we talked about our doubts about the theory of monogamy and about almost everything really... having my best friend and partner for so long, ripped away while i we were not living together was unbelievably painful. i relocated permanently to the US. we now still talk often, we still love and care for each other. but nothing has changed on his end and i don't know what to make of anything anymore either. he has wanted to see me numerous times as he hadn't gotten involved with anyone else and wanted to see what it felt like to visit, etc, but after about 7 months i got involved with another guy, who makes me laugh, who i get along with almost scarily, (we've never even raised voices - it's been over a year being together now), we have fun adventures, he always calls me back, etc. but there's this missing element that i had with my ex boyfriend of this almost painful love of each other where we talked for hours when we weren't together, we didn't really know how to function apart from eachother, we had a much more passionate relationship. i keep trying to tell myself that these things aren't that important, that i've found someone who loves me and who already feels that they want to be with me forever, who i can see myself with forever, who can support and love me... but everyday that we're not hanging out i'm crying about how much i miss the tenderness and passion that i had with my ex - the way we touched eachother, the kissing and the soulful connection, where things with the newer guy are maybe a bit more surface level, a bit less passionate, not to say that department is bad, it's just not as wow.... we talk about our days in the evenings - not about politics and art - but what's wrong with that?? i hope some of my confusion is coming thru here ;-) i have heard so many times that i need to stop comparing the two of them. but it's not really comparing that i'm doing (is it?), it's just that what i'm used to is very completely satisfying and i feel like what i have now is just not quite there. i'm afraid to leave him and regret it forever, because he truly is wonderful. but i'm afraid to feel like i've settled, and i'm afraid that eventually i won't be happy with this less soulful, less passionate match... or maybe that will come over time? i told him that i thought i needed some space - that i felt like i was trying to make him someone that he wasn't - that i needed more and he wouldn't hear of it. said i wasn't going to get away that easily and that he would adjust. since then things have maybe been a little more attentive, but there hasn't been some big change.... i lost my courage on that one and nothing else has really come from that. i hope someone has some words of wisdom.... it's been way too long to feel so confused and so sad...
deebeechrisyo Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Sounds like you aren't even close to being over your ex. It's not fair to your current boyfriend because you aren't giving him yourself fully. How often have you been in contact with your ex since the breakup? It also appears that you have already figured out in your head that this current guy isn't the one. You might regret breaking up with him in the future, but I'm pretty sure you are going to eventually. The sooner the better, as the pain for him will be less then what it could potentially be.
Author sleepless79 Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Sounds like you aren't even close to being over your ex. I think that's true, but is it possible to stay with my boyfriend and hope that it will eventually happen? My boyfriend is aware that I still have feelings for my ex. He hopes that he's a better match for me and that I will realize that. I realize that I'm not giving all that I could. I'm in almost daily contact with my ex - 90% of the time it's through chat about work or school or friends (we went to college together) and what they are up to. Other times it's about how we're confused still. It's not fair to your current boyfriend because you aren't giving him yourself fully. How often have you been in contact with your ex since the breakup? It also appears that you have already figured out in your head that this current guy isn't the one. I really haven't figured that out at all. It's just a very different relationship. But it's wonderful and I fully think I could be happy like that forever. I do wonder about being completely fulfilled. I've read places that it's silly to expect your spouse to be the person in your life that completely fulfills you. I'm afraid that my relationship with my ex has given me impossible shoes to fill and that being 30 I shouldn't keep looking for something unattainable. You might regret breaking up with him in the future, but I'm pretty sure you are going to eventually. The sooner the better, as the pain for him will be less then what it could potentially be.
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