ajj Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I established NC after I reached what I thought was my breaking point with my ex-partner. I asked him to move out, get IC and we would work towards living together again. Initially he refused IC and said if we can't live together we can't be together. I sobbed and cried. Days later he called me back and said he wanted to be together and would seek IC. Of course he didn't, he only stopped the head games for a few days, and I reached a breaking point and established NC. He was the first to break NC about the cable bill. All of the other utilities were in my name except for the cable. I went to the cable company to have it shut off but since I am not on the account they won't shut it off. He contacted me about the cable and I informed him of this. Has he shut off the cable since? No. Maintaining NC was no easy task as we both work for the same company but different facilities. Eventually he broke NC about the question of the cable then it was silly other excuses. The dog missed me and I was free to visit her any time to take her on a walk. Then we both drifted into calling each other. He recently became very ill (was misdiagnosed at ER) and though he moved back in with his parents after I gave him the boot they were out of the country. He was sick and I was worried. I took care of him and took care of the dog. During this time I'm on doctor's orders for a reduced working schedule myself as I have been sick as well. Since he was the sicker of us I took care of him as well as an energetic 60lb puppy. So what became of all of this? There we were falling back into old patterns. I was so eager to please! His mom was calling me internationally every two hours to check on him because he was mad at her for calling too much and refused her calls. So I took her calls and allayed her fears so she wouldn't cancel the rest of her trip to return home just to take care of his spoiled a$$. (Besides living in the dorms for two years 10 miles away from his parents house the closest he ever came to living on his own was with me. He has no coping skills for living in the world.) We were spending time together long past the crisis of his illness. He asked me to dogsit in my home once he was well enough to return to work (I was not). Though I'm on my third round of prednisone in less than two months for asthma that suddenly won't be controlled I agreed. If I'm nice to him beyond all he'll be nice to me, too! When I had NC in place I hated him. I hated him to the point it hurt me physically. I would cry at the drop of a hat and dreaded going to work each day because people would bring this up. (yeah, some of my co-workers are special). But when I allowed the boundaries down I could convince myself that he wasn't the emotionally abusive person I pushed out the door to protect myself. The pain was gone! I thought I was healing. Until Saturday. I was on the receiving end of more of his emotional abuse. I posted in another thread about my concern about an emotional (probably physical) affair. That's the least of it. Now that we don't live together he's as free as he wants to dump his toxic garbage on me because he can simply spew then hang up and not call me until he needs something again. He doesn't have to face me until he's lonely and realizes he has no real friends and his overbearing mother is getting on his nerves and all the chess clubs in the world won't fill the hole that is inside of him. What have I learned from this? Don't break NC. Yeah, that anger I was feeling was part of the healing process. It wasn't going to last forever. The anger was a natural response. In the last couple of days I have felt worse physically than ever. Emotionally, I'm a bit detached then I go through fits of rage again. I vowed never to put myself through this again and then I did. I know all too well from my own experience as well as watching my friends that even if emotional abuse doesn't automatically escalate into physical abuse the emotional abuse will escalate and couples' therapy tends to make that worse. So, yeah, I have some self-esteem issues. I wasn't as healed as I thought I was. I have a lot of soul searching to do and it isn't agonizing about what went wrong with our relationship. I know beyond a doubt what went wrong. Now what can I do to fix me? The obvious is really stick to no contact this time. Seek out supportive friends and avoid co-workers who enjoy getting me worked up. I have set new goals for myself. Namely, pursuing the dreams I put on hold for him so he could pursue his goals. Thinking about what to do next and doing those things next has been more helpful than just about anything. Rule number one: Maintain NC or everything else will be for naught.
Author ajj Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I don't want him back. Each day of complete NC I feel anger- but this time I'm also feeling relief. I work less hours and I have more money. If I wanted to make myself angry I could go back over my bank statements and realize just how much I was supporting him even though we were allegedly splitting the bills in half but I won't. I'm looking forward. Even if he came to my door right now and said "I've been an ass. I've been alone my entire life and don't really know how to interact with people. I've been selfish to the point of being cruel. I'm so sorry and I realize I have lost what I have previously said was the most meaningful relationship (hah! the only one) in my life and I'll do whatever you say to make things right." It would never happen because I'd never open the door to him in the first place. The reason for the last fight? His high sense of entitlement. I hadn't done enough for him. I was dogsitting the dog we had adopted together because his parents were out of town. I had an emergency and he had to come get the dog. From his point of view despite dogsitting while I was suppossed to be home from work recovering from illness (after spending the previous week nursing him through his) I should have done more! Two days with a hyperactive 60 lb dog wasn't enough. I was reading a book yesterday and everything just sort of clicked, I guess. Dealing with someone with that high of a sense of entitlement nothing is ever enough for them. I could do more and more and instead of getting the loving partner I thought he was I would only get more demands and more punishments for not giving enough. I know I'm better than someone who through actions and so many words "Buy my love. Earn my love" over and over and over. I don't want him back. I want me back. The me who worked so hard her bosses told her to lighten up and give herself a break. The me whose friends adored her because she was fun and interesting and could work 80 hours a week and still find time to go out and have fun. The me who is confident enough to look at someone like him and then look the other direction.
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