lastnight Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 So the last time i was on LS properly was this time last year when my ex broke up with me for the first time. After finally getting over it and piecing some bits back together, meeting somebody new....you guessed it she came back and made a major play. This girl at the time I was infatuated by, and i felt back on the new girl in my life but my bond with the old one was too much still and against my head i let my heart rule out and we had this big dramatic reconciliation. Things were great for a good couple of months, but ultimately started to sour really quickly as I couldn't seem to get over trust issues (on getting back together with my ex she admitted that my deep founded suspcisions and gut instincts were right...she cheated on me with this guy on holiday, a 'friend'), and she started a new college course, new friends etc. Her life is very different to me, i've just turned 24, got a good career, she's 18 and is not even started with uni yet. Anyway long story short, she breaks up with me a couple of days before my birthday. But you know what, christmas last year i was at the brick wall, she crushed me and she knew it. This time though it didnt feel so bad. It still doesn't feel so bad, just kind of numb. I've removed her from my life, deleted her and her friends (not my friends, never were) from facebook etc and removed her number and memories from my life. We've not spoken much apart from a few txts of me expressing how this seems for the best although it's obviously pretty tough. I don't feel sorrow, I just feel such a sense of emptiness. I've been on a few dates, but it's not the same, that deep infatuation i felt with this girl that paved over the cracks of the age issues and blinding obviousness of the social obstacles etc we'd experience. I also think in years to come this may register with her, heck this is a similar pattern to last time where she discarded me from her head, went out on a binge after binge, then realised the grass is never greener. I'll be gone, i'm moving out of my apartment and to another city where I don't have to walk the streets and have dull reminders of better times gone by walking hand in hand with that girl. Part of me also weirdly feels like although i'm feeling a different kind of loss, a sad dullness, that I have resigned myself to it being over. Of course it's over, it was damn well over when I told you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me before you walk out of my life forever, and not only did you tell me, you screamed those words with that glazed over look in your eye, and a consequent knife in my heart. But this same acceptance, last time, brought my brief liberation and your subsequent return. I'm over this as best I can be, and the sense of calm knowing that the relationship and what it was founded on spurred my weaknesses being brought to the surface and leaving me a shell of the person I used to and could be, causing it's ultimate demise, gives me a sense of weird relief. I just wish I could of fixed this and that our love was what I really believed it to be in the beginning, able to transcend all. Maybe we'll meet again some day when the detail doesn't dance in the way. I'll see you when i'm older and you're wiser. Until then I'll just be getting on with it, in my own time. x
Arabella Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 You and I have had very similar experiences. I'm sorry you feel like this, I can certainly relate. I was 25, and I fell completely and utterly in love with a 21 year old. I'm a professional woman, while he was barely on his second year of college and doing very poorly. At first, he didn't even "register" as potential mate material because of the obvious life-stage difference. We became friends, and he worked pretty hard to win me over. Despite my common sense, he eventually managed to do so and I fell for him. I also thought our love was unique and special and able to transcend everything. I knew he wasn't quite old enough to have the relationship I wanted, but I was willing to give him time and wait. Like you, I ignored everything I once held as a standard because of how I felt for this guy. He did drugs, drank, was diagnosed bipolar and refused to medicate, was disrespectful, a consummate liar, had no regard whatsoever for my feelings and needs, unreliable, and might have cheated on me with the prior girlfriend and even strangers on a casual sex site. Three weeks ago it ended (he blew up at me and told me to leave him alone indefinitely) and I feel much the same way you do. In the back of my mind, I knew this was going to happen from the very beginning. I have been meeting other people because my friends push them on me, and I just can't bring myself to feel interested. You knew better even when you were with her... and so did I. Let that be a lesson learned to listen to our common sense Like you said... maybe you'll meet her down the road again, when she is wiser. But even if you do... could you ever forget what she has done to you? Best of luck, Arabella
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