Unwelcome attention from male(s) in WH's family

[moaningmyrtle]

D-day was just over a year ago. Recently I have noticed a shift in behaviour towards me by a certain older male in my WH's family.

 

He has got a little too close to me on a couple of occasions and also visited unexpectedly when he knew I would be home by myself.

 

I am being my usual friendly but distant self with him. On Sunday when he put his arm around me in an apparently casual manner (in front of my H) I hunched my shoulders and moved away. This was not hard for me as actually I'm quite repulsed by any thought of intimate physical contact with him. I hope to be able to deal with this non-verbally, but I have discussed it with my H.

 

My H is a conflict avoider and does not want me to say anything to the female members of his family, nor does he want me to openly confront the man. At the moment not enough has happened anyway for me to say anything without it being hugely embarrassing for all.

 

My intuition is that he sees me as vulnerable and is maybe "testing the waters" in some way, but I could just be reading too much into it (this would be the best possibility).

 

If it's what I think it might be it's totally unexpected. It's bad enough trying to recover my marriage without having to sensitively deal with unwanted attention by an older male in my H's family.

 

Have any other BWs had to deal with something similar?

 

Any thoughts on the best way to handle it especially if it escalates?

[NoIDidn't]

I agree. Keep sending the "NO" signals because if you confront him, your H doesn't sound like he's going to support you in any way. If anything, he'll make you out to be crazy and "seeing things" since his affair was outted.

 

And find ways to pre-empt him trying to get you alone. Note when and how he does it and change your pattern. Eventually he'll tire of this game.

 

Yuck, he's doing this to his own family member's spouse too. Yuck.

[jnj express]

Sorry---but do not play this by your H's rules----Remember your H. cheated, and he is to get back into the mge., by your rules.

 

Next time this guy comes onto you, and especially if it is a group, you say and in no uncertain terms---keep your hands off of me --I do not appreciate being pawed. Also I do not like your flirting and it is to stop, or have you forgotten I am married to your brother.

 

If your H. won't be the man of the family, then I guess you have to. Do not pussyfoot around about this. This guy needs to be put in his place----there are numerous women, who did not make it clear to the male stalking them, that they wanted no further contact and in many cases there were very bad situations that occurred, including rape. If you condone this guys actions and he gets you alone---What then---he will just say "well you never stopped it before, and you never said no"---You say NO to this guy RIGHT NOW

[Spark1111]

D-day was just over a year ago. Recently I have noticed a shift in behaviour towards me by a certain older male in my WH's family.

 

He has got a little too close to me on a couple of occasions and also visited unexpectedly when he knew I would be home by myself.

 

I am being my usual friendly but distant self with him. On Sunday when he put his arm around me in an apparently casual manner (in front of my H) I hunched my shoulders and moved away. This was not hard for me as actually I'm quite repulsed by any thought of intimate physical contact with him. I hope to be able to deal with this non-verbally, but I have discussed it with my H.

 

My H is a conflict avoider and does not want me to say anything to the female members of his family, nor does he want me to openly confront the man. At the moment not enough has happened anyway for me to say anything without it being hugely embarrassing for all.

 

My intuition is that he sees me as vulnerable and is maybe "testing the waters" in some way, but I could just be reading too much into it (this would be the best possibility).

 

If it's what I think it might be it's totally unexpected. It's bad enough trying to recover my marriage without having to sensitively deal with unwanted attention by an older male in my H's family.

 

Have any other BWs had to deal with something similar?

 

Any thoughts on the best way to handle it especially if it escalates?

 

I am not sure how to handle it if it escalates. I would probably continue to ignore it, unless a TRUE line was crossed that could not be ignored.

 

But this is a very interesting post and triggered some memories of my own after DDay.

 

I think men smell female vulnerability from a mile away.

 

For quite awhile after DDay, I was amazed at the men in my world who stood a little too close, grew a little too intimate in their conversation, seemed a little too interested in....me!

 

I certainly do not consider myself flirtatious, or seductive, and was frankly, quite confused by it all.

 

Until I determined, my emotional vulnerability must have been obvious to the male gender and they were somewhat closing in, in the most surprising ways.

 

I'd like to hear some men weigh in on this.

 

I wonder if that is how a WS and an OW/OM choose each other.

 

True attraction? Or supreme emotional vulnerability?

[sally4sara]

Was this older male family member a large influence on your philandering husband? Could be this guy's attitude guided you husband in his formative years and shaped his attitudes about women and sex........

You said your husband doesn't want his affair revealed much. Perhaps his family runs on secrets and the expectation of women keeping their mouths shut about the male family member's actions?

[carhill]

I'd like to hear some men weigh in on this.

IME, absence of negative is what most 'normal' males key in on. Those who have seeded far and wide enough to have substantially extended families didn't get that way by being polite and demure. They might disguise it with seemingly appropriate boundaries of decorum, but it's there. Predation. No doubt WH learned sexual behaviors from examples of his familial males. They were his role models.

 

As often intimated here, many men don't receive the 'stay away' vibe either because they aren't equipped to pick up on subtleties of negative body language or because they simply don't care. They need stronger measures, like direct words, a slap in the face or a kick in the nuts. I'd be happy to oblige them, simply because their actions have always made cross-gender relations more difficult for men who are respectful and sensitive to such matters.

 

With female friends and spouses of male friends, I know they're looking for physical and/or emotional support when they approach me physically or verbally. I sense it in their body language. Experience has taught them I'm a 'safe' male who doesn't see all physical affection as sexual. However, if they are feeling distant and males are to stay away, I pick up on that and give them space.

 

So, OP, directly communicate or whack him in the nuts. I think you'll get your message across.

[2sure]

Urgh. He smells victim. Not that you are, but he perceives you to be ...so he is thinking you are easily manipulated or possibly thinking of a revenge affair. Vulnerable of course.

 

Fix that for him.

 

The next time he gets too close to your personal space, take one small step away, look him directly in the eye, no smile and say in an even tone:

"Back Off." Then walk away to another friendly conversation leaving him wondering what the hell just happened.

 

He wont be able to quite explain it to anyone but will get the message loud and clear. I know this guy. He is a predator but the moment he realizes you are not a victim....he will become a cry baby bit*ch.

[moaningmyrtle]

Many thanks to those who commented.

 

At the moment my own reaction is to continue with the "negative" body language when he does get too close.

 

My H knows I will say something if it continues, mainly because I'm so angry that it's happening and also I no longer feel quite so willing to take care of my H's family (by pretending it's not happening) as I did before. Despite this I know if I do say something it will further tear apart my H's family. They are all still suffering from the fallout of the death of my BIL and the revelations of my H's infidelity. There's still a strong part of me that doesn't want further damage inflicted, particularly on my H's mother and sister and our own sons.

 

Just to clarify a couple of points. My H's family all know of his infidelity and I'm embarrassed to say it's my H's father who is the male. He cheated on my MIL many years ago and it caused devastation to her and also my H and his sister. It's why it has seemed inconceivable to my MIL and SIL that my H would do the same to me.

 

In many ways my FIL has been the "rock" of the family in the past year and has provided immeasurable support particularly to my sons (his grandchildren). I'm sure the whole saga has been hard on him too but there's still no excuse for him to hit on me.

 

My H wants me to give him the benefit of the doubt but if it escalates (at the moment it's certainly bearable as it's so subtle) he will support me in saying something to his father. He's a sensitive man and hopefully will pick up on the vibes fairly easily.

Edited December 17, 2009 by moaningmyrtle

[Snowflower]

 

Just to clarify a couple of points. My H's family all know of his infidelity and I'm embarrassed to say it's my H's father who is the male. He cheated on my MIL many years ago and it caused devastation to her and also my H and his sister. It's why it has seemed inconceivable to my MIL and SIL that my H would do the same to me.

 

 

This is sad to me and I'm sure that despite everything, it is difficult for your H to deal with. Men tend to look up to their fathers and if your FIL has been a rock during this time of family difficulty, this makes it even more difficult for your H.

 

Infidelity often runs in families unfortunately so despite the pain your H saw when he was younger, infidelity can sometimes be established as a pattern of behavior.