How do you turn down a mentally disabled person?

[EricaH329]

I'm not even sure that's the correct term to use. I've never been in this situation before, and to be quite honest... it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

 

There is a guy that comes into my job every Friday and Saturday night. He is a very, very nice guy. I'm not sure exactly what's wrong with him, he either got into an accident which made him the way he is, or i'm thinking it might be cerebral palsy.

 

Anyway, every night he tells me he needs to ask me something. He just so happens to tell me this when i'm extremely busy, so he says when I get a minute to talk to him. Since he leaves fairly early, I haven't gotten the chance to find out what he wanted to ask me.

 

This past Saturday, he came in very early and told me he needed to talk to me. He began the conversation with "I have this friend...". He continued to tell me that this 'friend' is in desperate need of someone to talk to. I told him the best advice I can give is that his friend should see a counselor. He told me that his friend is seeing a counselor, but that he needs more than that sometimes. And then he went on to talk about how he gets really nervous about asking girls out on dates, and there is a girl that he really wants to ask out.

 

I tend to freeze up in situations that catch me off guard, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. He told me that his 'friend' was actually him, and I told him that I really couldn't give him any sort of advice outside of seeking professional help and that everyone gets nervous asking people out on dates.

 

I told him that I needed to get back to work, and he then told me that he still needed to ask me something when I got the chance.

 

Needless to say, he left early again, and he didn't get the chance to ask me.

 

I feel like such a terrible person, but i'm not sure how to go about this situation?? I know what's coming, but I just don't know how i'm going to handle it.

[alphamale]

I feel like such a terrible person, but i'm not sure how to go about this situation?? I know what's coming, but I just don't know how i'm going to handle it.

if you don't have a bf already then make one up...he could even be Ken from your old doll collection, you could say he's shorter than you and on the quiet side and likes to stay home a lot

[Devil Inside]

I feel you. It is very difficult to let someone down when you know they will take it much harder then someone else.

 

I used to work with folks that had developmental disabilities. It was when I was in my early twenties and needless to say I got many love notes, poems, and proposals. I handled them as gently and as definitely as I could. I would let them know that I was flattered, and that I appreciated their friendship...but I did not have any romantic feelings for them, and I never would.

 

They would become a little embarrassed or upset, but like anyone else..it is part of life. These women wanted to be treated like anyone else, and this is a part of life we all deal with...rejection.

 

So all I can say is be sensitive, but make sure you are clear that it is never going to happen. I can tell it is going to be hard for you..you are so sweet...probably why the poor guy is so taken with you. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[Crusoe]

Just treat him as you would wish to be treated.

[EricaH329]

I feel you. It is very difficult to let someone down when you know they will take it much harder then someone else.

 

I used to work with folks that had developmental disabilities. It was when I was in my early twenties and needless to say I got many love notes, poems, and proposals. I handled them as gently and as definitely as I could. I would let them know that I was flattered, and that I appreciated their friendship...but I did not have any romantic feelings for them, and I never would.

 

They would become a little embarrassed or upset, but like anyone else..it is part of life. These women wanted to be treated like anyone else, and this is a part of life we all deal with...rejection.

 

So all I can say is be sensitive, but make sure you are clear that it is never going to happen. I can tell it is going to be hard for you..you are so sweet...probably why the poor guy is so taken with you. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

 

Thank you!

 

This has been eating away at me for the past few days. I feel terrible already, I can't imagine what i'm going to feel like when the inevitable happens.

 

The thought alone of rejecting someone that's been rejected their whole life is heartbreaking. It's even worse if this guy used to be in a normal frame of mind, and something horrible happened which made him like this.

 

I want to be as sensitive and nice as I can with him. However, I do not want to tell him that i'm not interested because of him. I just think that would be incredibly hard for me to do. I'm sure he always gets reasons as to why he's not 'good' enough for everything in life... I don't think I can reject him with that reason.

 

I am sort of seeing someone, so I think i'm going to opt for that. I feel like i'm not being true, but I just can't bring myself to tell him the truth.

 

This really, really sucks.

[Devil Inside]

Thank you!

 

This has been eating away at me for the past few days. I feel terrible already, I can't imagine what i'm going to feel like when the inevitable happens.

 

The thought alone of rejecting someone that's been rejected their whole life is heartbreaking. It's even worse if this guy used to be in a normal frame of mind, and something horrible happened which made him like this.

 

I want to be as sensitive and nice as I can with him. However, I do not want to tell him that i'm not interested because of him. I just think that would be incredibly hard for me to do. I'm sure he always gets reasons as to why he's not 'good' enough for everything in life... I don't think I can reject him with that reason.

 

I am sort of seeing someone, so I think i'm going to opt for that. I feel like i'm not being true, but I just can't bring myself to tell him the truth.

 

This really, really sucks.

 

 

I feel you.

 

I guess you could say that you are seeing someone and that is the reason...but this guy may hang around, and what are you going to say if you stop seeing this guy.

 

I know that as a guy, even though I have no disability, I have had a woman give me an excuse as a reason, and it kind of sucks more. I would rather a woman just be straight up with me.

 

I know it is hard, but I still think being straight up is best.

 

Either way...good luck.

[laRubiaBonita]

just tell the guy you are not allowed to date patrons/ customers and leave it at that.

 

if he still insists and causes you discomfort tell him flat out that you are flattered, but his persistant asking is making you uncomfortable..... AND you do not want to "get in trouble" with your boss.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him you're flattered that he has asked you out, but you're not looking for any type of relationship, or to go out on dates. Keep it short sweet and to the point.

[sfsassy]

Tell him you're flattered that he has asked you out, but you're not looking for any type of relationship, or to go out on dates. Keep it short sweet and to the point.

 

I have Cerebral Palsy, but am of normal intelligence. I work within the disabled ommunity and a couple of mentally impaired guys have asked me out. I just tell them they are so sweet, but see them more as brothers. One of them eventually married someone, lucky him!! I have been rejected for my disability or people have decided they can't handle the "extras" my disability involves. It isn't fun to be rejected, but I understand and I bet he will too. And of course if he asks weird, take appropiate action.

[EricaH329]

Thank you for all the responses!

 

 

sfsassy- It's great to hear from someone who also has Cerebral Palsy. Thanks for responding! I think i'm going to go with your strategy, but instead just tell him that I enjoy being friends with him (instead of seeing him like a brother).

 

Rejection does suck, and I hate doing it to begin with... but it makes it much harder for me to do it when the guy is so nice and he's used to being rejected. I hope he doesn't take it hard.

[D-Lish]

Tell him you have a bf.

[EricaH329]

This guy has still been coming into my job every weekend. I've been able to keep our conversation short enough to where nothing of value has been brought up.

 

Tonight, before he left, he handed me a note and told me that he would like to talk about the content of the note next weekend.

 

This is the note: "I care about you so much. You are so gorgeous. Will you help me? Will you be my girlfriend? I love you. -Love (his name)"

 

This breaks my heart. I already know what i'm going to tell him. I'm going to say that he is a great guy, but i'm already involved with someone else. It still kills me though, knowing that this guy has been rejected his whole life by people, and i'm just going to be bunched in with everyone else. If I think about it too much, it really gets to me.

 

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, and i'm not trying to make it out to be one, it's just a very tough situation for me to be in, especially when I have to actually say this to him.

 

Ugh

[Joe Normal]

Why are so many people telling her to lie to him? "I have a bf", "I'm not dating at the moment" etc. Do you think this helps? Even for a normal guy it may given them false hope. For someone who is mentally handicapped it is the height of cruelty.

 

You must just bluntly tell him you are not interested. Anything else would be cruel. Trying to be kind is cruel, because you will give him false hopes and make him think he has a chance. So, unless you like being cruel to handicapped people, just tell him "sorry, I'm not interested in you that way". Do it sympathetically, but don't lie and make up some BS excuse.

[Joe Normal]

. It still kills me though, knowing that this guy has been rejected his whole life by people, and i'm just going to be bunched in with everyone else. If I think about it too much, it really gets to me.

 

Well, if you care that much, why not spend a night of passion with the guy and blow his mind? Actions speak louder than words, and you have it in your power to make up for the years of rejection he has presumably received. Would it really hurt you so much to spread a little love around? Wouldn't it be cruel to deny him an hour or two of happiness? If you *really* feel bad about the guy, then you could give him a night to remember!

Edited June 27, 2010 by Joe Normal

[TaraMaiden]

Mentally/physically handicapped/challenged people are part and parcel of society.

They have that right to be considered equal, and on a par with every other human being, worthy of dignity, respect and common courtesy.

 

The overwhelming message we get is that those who are different, should not be treated differently, morally and emotionally speaking.

 

Making allowances for any physical impediment should be part and parcel of life, not an exception. They have as much right to have a three storey-home, and to work on the 8th floor of an office block, as much as anyone else. But if modifications are needed, then yes, they should be made. Exclusion is prejudicial, and depriving us of their potential input for logistical or mechanical reasons is an invalid and outdated factor.

 

Therefore, if they (rightly) wish to be on a par with able-minded and able-bodied people - then they (rightly) merit and deserve completely impartial and equal treatment.

Making emotional allowances for mentally or physically handicapped people, and 'pitying' them for their state is patronising and belittling, and accentuates the difference even more. It puts both parties at a disadvantage.

 

In short - treat him like a male human being first.

Don't even think about what the 'handicap' is.

Because right now?

Consider it this way.....

It's yours, not his.